Hello, Women's Forum.

Basics: 37 year old guy, married two years.  First marriage for both of us.  No rug rats.  (It's a term of endearment...really!)   Most of my time on ARFCOM is spent making smart alleck remarks in GD, but I try to add something occasionally.

So, deal #1.
Tiny leak in the upstairs bathroom eventually created weak spot in the kitchen ceiling.  It is plaster, and a little bit of the skim coat peeled off.  I fixed the leak, and ignored the ceiling.  Okay, I can deal with her not being happy about that.  I finally get around to patching it, and in the process, "it is decided" to paint the whole kitchen.  I've got some time off, which we knew about several weeks ago.  
I have been asking her, as kind and patiently as I know how, to pick a color.  Every evening after dinner, it is the designated time to remove at least one paint chip from the wall.  Yesterday, I made it clear that the ceiling is done, I have the day off.  It is time to prime and paint.  This morning, I made it clear that I am actually wearing old clothes in order to paint.  Is it really even necessary for me to tell you what didn't happen before she left for work?
Go ask my optometrist....  I ain't so good with colors.  All I see in that little dot book are dots, so leaving it up to me ain't the best move.  I WILL make the wrong choice.

If I can't see colors, why do you constantly ask my opinion of colors?

Deal #2
Our income took a kick in the pants this year.  We just don't have as much discretionary income, no big deal.  She wants a new bedspread.  Fine.  Let's just make that our Christmas present to each other?  Nope.  Okay, we won't do that.  So, I make out a Christmas list with a few options, but apparently they are the wrong options.  I am supposed to ask for things that she wants to buy for me.  So, why ask me in the first place?  Is it some kind of test?  Am I supposed to love her so much that I don't ask for gun-related paraphernalia, to make her life easier?  Well, a bed spread isn't gun related.  Now we are getting one, anyway.  And I have to provide my opinion?  
My opinion is that.....
1) we have one already
2) the one we have now shrank in the wash, so picking one that says dry clean only is not a good idea, even if it is all cotton.  Maybe the manufacturer put that label on there for a reason
3) the one we have now is always dirty because the dog sleeps in the bed.  It stands to reason that a new one will be similarly dirty all the time.
4) I really don't care what the bedspread looks like.  When I'm in the bedroom, I am either sleeping or looking at something else entirely
5) If a new bed spread is your idea, and you think it is important, why don't you pick it?
6) I gave you the option to buy one for Christmas, you declined.


What the hockey sticks am I supposed to do?
Lay down the law, tell her to make a bleepity bleepin' decision?
I would really like to just put the brushes and rollers away, and tell her it is her problem, now.

Am I unreasonable?  I just don't understand.  What am I doing wrong?

Is there anything a man can say that will actually force a woman to make a decision?

Anything... any ideas...  advice....  please!   Pretty please!  For the love of all that is holy, someone explain women to me!!!!!!

Sounds Like there might be other underlying issues.

Dose she normally make her own decisions?

Are you guys still being affectionate?

Has anything changed in the relationship?

Are you still doing things that you normally do when things are moving along cozy?

In a very sweet and understanding way, sit her down and ask her. What is her problem?

Tag so I can see women explained.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. My husband would just pick a color if after all the chances you have given your wife to decide and she still hasn't. As far as a new bedspread, well I have 2 quilts. I Change them often since we have a cat who sleeps on the bed. This way one gets washed, and one on the bed. I also didn't spend a ton of money on them. They were 20 dollars a piece.  I had shopped around and for the price of the 2 I couldn't touch one in a regualr store.
As far as you making out a list of what you want for Christmas I would be thankful for it. Would cut down my guess work.
I learned early on.. men don't care what color a bedspread or curtain are or anyting related. My husband says the same as you. I have yet to meet a guy that does care.
Good luck and hope it all works out. I say pick a color and go with that.

Please bear in mind that we do not have men dying upon the field of battle for lack of painted ceilings or coordinating bed comforters.

Here is a simple strategem that works:

If *you* want something painted, then paint it, provided you ask her if the color is OK or not.  If *she* wants something painted, let her paint it, provided the color is halfway acceptable to you.

If *you* want a comforter -- go buy one.  Same thing for her - she wants one, go for it.

But I pick up on a lot of passive aggressive behaviour and simmering resentment in your post like:

I finally get around to patching it, and in the process, "it is decided" to paint the whole kitchen

I mean there are two people involved -- not a committee.  So who did the deciding?  You? Her? Both?  Or is this your way of saying that *she* decided to have you paint the kitchen?

And what to make of this

Is there anything a man can say that will actually force a woman to make a decision?

Probably not.  

If you're 37 and only married 2 years, then you're both probably accustomed to taking care of yourselves independently and making your own unilateral decisions.  That's why I don't get all of this joint venture stuff, requiring both of your input on what either one of you could just move forward and accomplish.

And since money is such an issue, why not just agree not to do Christmas presents for each other this year?

And this:

Lay down the law, tell her to make a bleepity bleepin' decision?

I won't pussyfoot around.  There ain't no such critter as 'Laying down the law' to a woman.  She will undermine and torment you seven ways to sundown.  Like trying to nail jello to the wall.

Well, I went to the gym for a long time.

At least I'm tired now.  

I just really get frustrated sometimes.  It's true we waited until later in our lives to get married, so we are accustomed to doing things ourselves.
I just try to be polite.  To me, "The color of the kitchen is not important to me.  You should really pick a color you like." sounds better than "I don't care."  I guess I feel like I get backed into a corner, and have to be the bad guy.  I suppose I just have to come out and say "I don't care".

Thanks for your opinions/advice.

I really am thankful that we even get to celebrate Christmas, and exchange presents.  

For two people that are supposed to be adults.... Well, we just have our moments......

I think you and your wife need to learn to communicate with each other.  She is obviously not doing her share to communicate with you [however she could be saying things to you that you're not hearing].  

I would advise you to calm down and talk with her one on one.  Let her know that it stings to have her ask you for a list and then pick apart what you want.  It is you that she married, not herself or some person she wants you to be.

I would also back up Mrs.W's advise - I think psyops4fun advise though well founded could lead to further isolation in your marriage from even less communication.

Last but not least, don't let something as silly as paint get to you.  Its not worth it.

Patty

Quoted: Is there anything a man can say that will actually force a woman to make a decision?

Yep.

My husband would say, "I'll paint the kitchen when you've decided on a paint color, sweetheart."

End of conversation. Ball in my court. He isn't going there and making it into a big debate. He doesn't care what color I want to paint my kitchen as long as the food's still good.

Kind of takes the ambiguity out of the process.

I like Mrs WW's idea of having two bedspreads, one in the laundry, one on the bed, it's what I do too... I got two gorgeous quilts on sale a few years back for far less than you could buy one for normally. You guys should wait until after Christmas and shop the sales for a new bedspread (or two)...

What a mess you two have gotten yourselves into!  It sounds to me like the issues go beyond simple communication.  You've each established your priorities long before your marriage, and neither of you has adjusted those priorities to include each other.  In other words, you're both independent, strong-willed people who are butting heads over trivial stuff because you each have different ideas of what is truly important.  She thinks that you truly need a new bedspread, and you disagree.  She thinks a mutual "need" like that is not a suitable Christmas present, and again, you disagree.  Now you're both at a stale mate while she waits for you to see her point and you wait for her to see yours.    

How about you decide what you want in a bed spread.  Do you like a thick and fluffy comforter or something lighter?   Are their fabrics or textures that you like?  Decide on a few things (even if they aren't really that important to you), then take her shopping for a bedspread that meets your criteria and hers.  It's an excercise in compromise, and it will also let her know that you are thinking about this stuff.

As for the paint, have you explained to her that you are colorblind?  It is really important that you explain this to her.  She may think that you simply don't care/are not involved.  Obviously, she wants these things to be a joint decision.  Tread lightly and do not let yourself get worked up.  Tell her that you do care, but you just can't distinguish colors, so you really need her help to make that decision.  Don't paint it until she picks a color.  

As for her buying you gun related paraphenalia: she probably sees that the same way you see going out to pick a bedspread for her.  If she knows little to nothing about guns, she may not feel comfortable shopping for gun related stuff for a person who does know a lot about them.  Try to put yourself in her shoes, even if she isn't ready to return the favor just yet.  It's a simple truth that you can't make anyone else do anything.  The only part of this equation that you have any control over is yourself, and you need to do your best to live by the golden rule.  Treat her the way you want to be treated, not the way she has treated you.  If you slip into the habit of retaliating when you're hurt, things will continue to spiral out of control.  

If all else fails, a good marriage counselor or minister would be the next resort.  Good luck.  

I've been married 20 years. And I don't get these kinds of issues...we really don't have them because (as the blonde mod so expertly pointed out) marrying older IS tougher. Hubby and I have been "one" as long as we were "two."
Mr PMM will say, lemme know when you want "X" done. That translates to me as: "when you've picked a color, gimme the chip and I'll go to the Depot and get the paint and the brushes and the dropcloths and a power tool that has NOTHING whatsoever to do with the project, but that *I* HAD to have."

Likewise, when I say to the hubby "I hate that freaken bedspread." He knows I am gonna buy another one

As far as money issues...do we have them? Yes. The man likes to spend big money while I like to spend lots of little money...but we always let common sense prevail. Do we have moments? Yes...but bedspreads and paintchips do NOT get us ruffled.

Swimming pools however....

Good luck and learn each others cues...fast!

THere are other issues here then the color of paint as others have picked up on. Now if she has not said anything about the color before the leak just take a sample of the paint now and get that color. The orginal color should be fine.

Now the problem surrounding the selection of the paint color is just a front for the real problem. That problem will require the 2 of you to sit down and talk out what is bothering you both.

I agree with what the ladies have had to say. And this is just to validate what one oro more have said.

Back in 2002 I redid the kitchen. We did agree and selected the cabinets and the sink, counter top and range together. But the floor tile was at an impass. So one day I selected the tile and installed it. While it was going in she is "not sure of the color". But once it was in and I put a finish on the tile, she decided that she liked it. I waited till I could no long wait to finish off the project.

no macho intended, just my story.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas

Ugh, what a sore subject things like this can be.  I got tired of being told to select wall colors, window treatments, carpeting, etc, only to be told once it was all in place..."Well, I don't like it."



I used to think that men didn't care about home furnishing stuff either...

Quoted: I think you and your wife need to learn to communicate with each other.

+1

Ever wonder why, in my 12,000+ posts I've never asked ARFcom to understand my wife for me?

It's you're #1, sole and primary job as a husband to get along with your wife. How do you do that? First by understanding her motivations and desires (through conversation), and second by communicating yours respectfully. You come to an agreement, meet somewhere in the middle of the stream, and start from there. If you can't talk, or listen, then it's time to start. Sit down when you're both in a good mood (not after a fight or when you're frustrated), and hash things out. Try to figure out WHY she's behaving like she is, communicate that it's a problem for you and ASK what has to happen for these issues not to come up. And, with all conversations, be prepared for it to go the other way. She may be frustrated with you, so listen and take notes.

Sounds like you're 2 years into a marriage that has no one at the reins. Take them, or lose the reins (and your marriage). You're the man in this relationship, be one. You can still love your wife, and still respect her, without kissing her ass or enabling crappy behavior.

Umm... maybe she really doesn't care what color you paint it.   Tomorrow, just announce what color you intend to use, and if she doesn't like it, she'll tell you then.  If she doesn't object, just paint the room!

Doesn't sound like she's being totally unreasonable from your post.  Maybe indecisive, but some people just are - and you probably knew that before you married her.

Let her just pick out a bead spread and live with her choice.  It's just not that big a deal.  

Live and be appreciative with whatever she got you for Christmas.  Just be happy you have someone who loves you and wants to get you anything.