Well, shit.

Little lady has been feeling neglected, apparently.  

Truth to tell, work has been killing me and I've focused all of my free time on my little one.  

Add to that the fact she's in Denver and I'm an hour north, and well, I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did.

Its a tough competition between the little one, and a dating life;  especially when you're keeping a brick wall between what someone here referrs to as "pelvic associates" and your kid.   But the wisdom of the decision is that while I've got to get used to not having this woman around, my daughter never got attached to her and will not have any extra angst to deal with.   That's a good thing.  


But, like I said, I got the talking to this evening.   Got the modified, limited ultimatum:  "something's got to change" , and of course, I'm just getting back on my feet from the divorce so not a lot I'm willing to change.   Least of all on a "or I'm leaving" sort of insinuation.  

Sort of sucks, because I certainly love her;  I'm just not going to quit my job and relocate, or sacrifice time with the little one.

That turns out to have been a good decision, it seems.

Not too much drama so far as break ups go, and although I'm looking forward to living without the "dating tax" for a while, I'm still sorry to see her go.  She was a good one.  

Well shit Gonzo, I'm sorry to hear that.  After 14 years, I'm quickly approaching the same territory.  Sounds like you have your head on straight though.  I hope everything works out for you.

Quoted: Well, shit. Little lady has been feeling neglected, apparently.   Truth to tell, work has been killing me and I've focused all of my free time on my little one.   Add to that the fact she's in Denver and I'm an hour north, and well, I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did. Its a tough competition between the little one, and a dating life;  especially when you're keeping a brick wall between what someone here referrs to as "pelvic associates" and your kid.   But the wisdom of the decision is that while I've got to get used to not having this woman around, my daughter never got attached to her and will not have any extra angst to deal with.   That's a good thing.   But, like I said, I got the talking to this evening.   Got the modified, limited ultimatum:  "something's got to change" , and of course, I'm just getting back on my feet from the divorce so not a lot I'm willing to change.   Least of all on a "or I'm leaving" sort of insinuation.   Sort of sucks, because I certainly love her;  I'm just not going to quit my job and relocate, or sacrifice time with the little one. That turns out to have been a good decision, it seems. Not too much drama so far as break ups go, and although I'm looking forward to living without the "dating tax" for a while, I'm still sorry to see her go.  She was a good one.

Sorry to hear that man. I lost my girl sometime ago after I had made plans to propose to her either this Christmas or Summer. She ended up dumping me for an unsaved guy with a nasty drinking habit whose only upside is that he has graduated from school and has his own apartment, where she lives. To put this in contrast, she goes out partying every other night-5 months ago she wanted to settle down with me and devote her time and effort to her sunday school class at church.  

Thanks guys.

I suppose I'm being overly non-committal with her, but I hot hosed by he succubus who cheated, divorced me, and then tried to take away my kid, and that's got me cautious.

I do have to say, if a three week burst of activity at work because of a coming trial, and some travel to a funeral, and not getting to "talk everynight" is enough to cut and run, it does seem that marriage was probably not a good idea anyway.

Sorry to hear man..  

If it is anywhere like it was about 8 years ago when i was out there, there is plenty of fish in the sea

Quoted: Thanks guys. I suppose I'm being overly non-committal with her, but I hot hosed by he succubus who cheated, divorced me, and then tried to take away my kid, and that's got me cautious. I do have to say, if a three week burst of activity at work because of a coming trial, and some travel to a funeral, and not getting to "talk everynight" is enough to cut and run, it does seem that marriage was probably not a good idea anyway.

You're right, if it's going to work, there's got to be give and take on both sides.  I'm having a rough time dealing with my boyfriend's new work schedule.  He just opened a new business, and it's taken alot of his time, time that normally would be spent with me.  But he's excited about his new venture, he's always wanted to give it a shot, and who am I to get in the way of that?  All I ask is that he give me a weekend day every few weeks that we can spend together.  We have a weekend planned in March that I'm very much looking forward to, and until then, I'll keep myself busy, and know that he loves me, and is working hard and making his way in the world.

But it's not good just to sit on your thoughts and not voice them.  You have to make your needs heard, not just keep them inside and let them fester.  I disagree with the ultimatum your girlfriend gave you, that wasn't the way to handle the situation.  And if she had talked to you about it and not just said "it's this way or the highway" maybe she could see there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and hung in longer.

But now you know.

Anyway, good luck to you Gonzo.

Sorry to hear it and happy at the same time. The clarity in thought you are demonstrating in splitting up with the new GF shows that you got through your divorce a lot cleaner than you thought. When the timing and woman is right, you'll MAKE time for her. This one was just a filler until that time comes.

Good on ya!

Dave

Quoted: Quoted: Thanks guys. I suppose I'm being overly non-committal with her, but I hot hosed by he succubus who cheated, divorced me, and then tried to take away my kid, and that's got me cautious. I do have to say, if a three week burst of activity at work because of a coming trial, and some travel to a funeral, and not getting to "talk everynight" is enough to cut and run, it does seem that marriage was probably not a good idea anyway. You're right, if it's going to work, there's got to be give and take on both sides.  I'm having a rough time dealing with my boyfriend's new work schedule.  He just opened a new business, and it's taken alot of his time, time that normally would be spent with me.  But he's excited about his new venture, he's always wanted to give it a shot, and who am I to get in the way of that?  All I ask is that he give me a weekend day every few weeks that we can spend together.  We have a weekend planned in March that I'm very much looking forward to, and until then, I'll keep myself busy, and know that he loves me, and is working hard and making his way in the world. But it's not good just to sit on your thoughts and not voice them.  You have to make your needs heard, not just keep them inside and let them fester.  I disagree with the ultimatum your girlfriend gave you, that wasn't the way to handle the situation.  And if she had talked to you about it and not just said "it's this way or the highway" maybe she could see there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and hung in longer. But now you know. Anyway, good luck to you Gonzo.

Thanks D,

The biggest issue was a geographical one:  I'm making partner at my law firm up here, and she's loving her job at a different law firm 80 minutes out of the way.   It was one of those medium distance deals, where you're close enough to develop high expectations, but far enough that the travel back and forth becomes the pits.   This is one I think she and I have both realized for a while, but I think I was more OK to let it ride, whereas she wanted one of us to move.  

Add that to my travel for work, and to see my little one, and well... there ya go.  

I'm actually feeling OK, because we handled it like adults and I'd have rather her be honest and say, "look man, I'm not feeling this any more..." than to keep it going in form only, while knocking boots with some new flavor of the week on the side.  I've already been throught that option, and I like this approach much better.

Quoted: Sorry to hear it and happy at the same time. The clarity in thought you are demonstrating in splitting up with the new GF shows that you got through your divorce a lot cleaner than you thought. When the timing and woman is right, you'll MAKE time for her. This one was just a filler until that time comes. Good on ya! Dave

It wasn't a matter of "making time" -- some people (women especially?) need to realize that sometimes life sucks and you need to just get shit done.   Telling a guy who's in the "push" on a big project (a coming two week trial, for me) that they're not devoting enough attention to you, right in the middle, you know, of their biggest time crunch just doesn't make sense.  

She has had to make a choice.   The choice was between:  (A)  a guy who adores her, who has a lot in common and who she claims to love, but with whom having a relationshiop is INCONVENIENT because of logistics and work demands.   Or (B) Some other guy that may or may no be any of the other things, but who is more convenient and available on a Friday night.  

The classic dillema between what's best : "right" or "right now"

Still bumming, though.  

Quoted: Quoted: Thanks guys. I suppose I'm being overly non-committal with her, but I hot hosed by he succubus who cheated, divorced me, and then tried to take away my kid, and that's got me cautious. I do have to say, if a three week burst of activity at work because of a coming trial, and some travel to a funeral, and not getting to "talk everynight" is enough to cut and run, it does seem that marriage was probably not a good idea anyway. You're right, if it's going to work, there's got to be give and take on both sides.  I'm having a rough time dealing with my boyfriend's new work schedule.  He just opened a new business, and it's taken alot of his time, time that normally would be spent with me.  But he's excited about his new venture, he's always wanted to give it a shot, and who am I to get in the way of that?  All I ask is that he give me a weekend day every few weeks that we can spend together.  We have a weekend planned in March that I'm very much looking forward to, and until then, I'll keep myself busy, and know that he loves me, and is working hard and making his way in the world.

See if you can still say that 3 or 4 years ago when he's working all hours and just getting by.

Given the tough slate of facts and options you appear to have made the most rational decision.

I hope you are OK with it.

Sorry to hear that man.  When it's right in a lot of ways, it makes it that much tougher when you have to go there with ultimatums and shit.  What is it with the ultimatums anyway?  Sheesh........I hear about this an awful lot and have experienced it myself.  Sux....

And TheOtherDave.....It doesn't sound like she was "filler" to me.  More like, someone who things were going really good with, until now.

Things will work out, they always do if you just hang in there!  

You are undoubtedly doing the correct thing wanting to spend time with your little one...and have your priorities straight.

Another thing to consider...if your kid did not bond with her....something is up....all I know is from spending time with mine is.....

KIDS KNOW SHIT!!!  It's amazing.

There will always be others.. keep lookin.

Quoted: Sorry to hear that man.  When it's right in a lot of ways, it makes it that much tougher when you have to go there with ultimatums and shit.  What is it with the ultimatums anyway?  Sheesh........I hear about this an awful lot and have experienced it myself.  Sux....

Many women (to a certain age) seem to be driving in a large part by their insecurities in relationships.

You, as the man in the relationship, must do certain things in order to make her 'feel good' about herself - things that include 'reading their mind' and 'living for her'. Ulitmatums are a part of this.  You comply = she controls you = she is good and worthy. You don't comply = she can't control you = she isn't good enough.

If her insecurities are not held at bay, she will destroy the relationship, either all at once or over time.

I hear after a certain age women grow the hell up and stop this kind of behavior. I just want to know what age that starts at.

Quoted: Quoted: Sorry to hear that man.  When it's right in a lot of ways, it makes it that much tougher when you have to go there with ultimatums and shit.  What is it with the ultimatums anyway?  Sheesh........I hear about this an awful lot and have experienced it myself.  Sux.... Many women (to a certain age) seem to be driving in a large part by their insecurities in relationships. You, as the man in the relationship, must do certain things in order to make her 'feel good' about herself - things that include 'reading their mind' and 'living for her'. Ulitmatums are a part of this.  You comply = she controls you = she is good and worthy. You don't comply = she can't control you = she isn't good enough. If her insecurities are not held at bay, she will destroy the relationship, either all at once or over time. I hear after a certain age women grow the hell up and stop this kind of behavior. I just want to know what age that starts at.

Death.

Quoted: You are undoubtedly doing the correct thing wanting to spend time with your little one...and have your priorities straight. Another thing to consider...if your kid did not bond with her....something is up....all I know is from spending time with mine is..... KIDS KNOW SHIT!!!  It's amazing.

Its not that my kid didn't bond with her; I purposefully kept my dating situation and my time with my daughter separate.   To my mind, the point of introduction and creating a bond between those two was when I was confident in my own mind that this woman was here for the long haul.   My "baby mama" has a revolving door policy, total immersion of our daughter into each and every one of he many post-divorce relationships, and those cointinuing attachment and loss situations seem like bad mojo to me.  

That's why my daughter's time is her time, she will never have to share it with someone who's not certain to the point of being betrothed to be the child's step-mom.  

To the poster above:   This relationship was not a throw away thing;  I did and do love this woman.  I've just matured to the point that I realized the two most important things about love and marriage:  (1)  John Lennon got it wrong.  Love is NOT all you need.  Sometimes there are external factors (wealth, religion, geographic separation, comitiment to kids from a prior relationship) that keep a new deal from working out; and (2) it is NEVER ok to promise your mate that you will "improve" things you actually cannot change.  

And to quote what is actually a gem of wisdom from that movie with the gay cowboys, "I you can't fix it, you gotta stand it."  

And I'll add that if you can't stand it, then you gotta end it.   She made that decision, and I don't blame her a bit.  

Sorry to hear it Gonzo.  Just remember that it is her loss, not yours.

SRM

How old is your little one?

Quoted: How old is your little one?

5

I talk to her every night, and fly out to see her once or twice a month.   She's here 8 weeks a year (her school district has long breaks in the fall, at thanksgiving, at xmas, spring break, etc.).

Its not what I ever envisioned, but we have a great relationship.

Quoted: Quoted: How old is your little one? 5 I talk to her every night, and fly out to see her once or twice a month.   She's here 8 weeks a year (her school district has long breaks in the fall, at thanksgiving, at xmas, spring break, etc.). Its not what I ever envisioned, but we have a great relationship.

I just read about how Mother allows everyone she see to meet your daughter.  During my first marriage I ran a daycare and I saw women do this to their children - it is so pathetic.  Maybe you have to see it from the outside to understand it.  I vowed and kept true to this vow to never associate my children with anyone until I knew it was going to be something I was committeed too.  I think you're very wise.

Not to sound nutty but have you read any of Doctor Laura's books?  10 things men do to screw up their lives?  It will shed a new perspective on the dating rhelm for you.

Patty

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Thanks guys. I suppose I'm being overly non-committal with her, but I hot hosed by he succubus who cheated, divorced me, and then tried to take away my kid, and that's got me cautious. I do have to say, if a three week burst of activity at work because of a coming trial, and some travel to a funeral, and not getting to "talk everynight" is enough to cut and run, it does seem that marriage was probably not a good idea anyway. You're right, if it's going to work, there's got to be give and take on both sides.  I'm having a rough time dealing with my boyfriend's new work schedule.  He just opened a new business, and it's taken alot of his time, time that normally would be spent with me.  But he's excited about his new venture, he's always wanted to give it a shot, and who am I to get in the way of that?  All I ask is that he give me a weekend day every few weeks that we can spend together.  We have a weekend planned in March that I'm very much looking forward to, and until then, I'll keep myself busy, and know that he loves me, and is working hard and making his way in the world. See if you can still say that 3 or 4 years ago when he's working all hours and just getting by.

Hey...if you care about the relationship, you need to grow and change with it.  If it's not worth it to you, then get out.   Maybe you're a quitter, but I'm not.  At least if it's something important to me.

<shrug>