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Posted: 10/22/2016 11:58:37 PM EDT
That's an uncomfortable conversation. They're healthy, so we were able to make jokes while going over it. I'm still not a fan of that conversation though. |
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Nothing like discussing the mortality of a loved one.It always gives me the creeps. After dealing with a situation that didn't have a will, I'm always grateful to when someone has the foresight to do this. It really is an act of love.
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I did that with my dad a month ago before his brain surgery. He told me what to do and wrote down all pertinent accounts and stuff.
Luckily surgery went great and he was given the all clear by his doctor today |
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As someone taking care of a 81 year old mother not in good health I know what your saying. It's painful to see life slipping away from the person who was so full of life.
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Nothing like discussing the mortality of a loved one.It always gives me the creeps. After dealing with a situation that didn't have a will, I'm always grateful to when someone has the foresight to do this. It really is an act of love. View Quote Yeah. They decided to make me the executor of it. (hooray) I wanted to go over it with them to make sure that I understood what their wishes were and also that there weren't any areas that would be confusing for anyone else. |
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Quoted: That's an uncomfortable conversation. They're healthy, so we were able to make jokes while going over it. I'm still not a fan of that conversation though. View Quote My mom goes bonkers when we try to discuss it in front of her. As uncomfortable as it is, it is a very special conversation and reminds me how much I love them both. |
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As uncomfortable as it was, you'll be happy they did it for you when the time comes. My grandparents didn't do that for my parents and it made things harder than they should have been, especially for my father.
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Do they also have Advance Directives? I would strongly recommend them in addition to the will.
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My parents sat me down last year and wrote me out of their will since my fiance isn't good enough for them and they don't want her to be able to spend a dime of it. I said, cool, it's your money, do with it what you wish. My mother is a "devout" Christian.....guess that's why I'm an atheist.... ETA: the reason this is a big deal to them, just like my grandmother, it's all about the money. I was constantly reminded for 6 month's after that they hoped I realized "You'd stand to inherit $10 million or more plus about 1000 acres of land". Some would call me stupid. But dammit, my fiance is a good woman. Sure she came from a fucked up family and she knows that. But she's finishing up school and works hard. She cooks all the damn time and I never have to ask to have my dirty clothes washed.
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I did that with my dad a month ago before his brain surgery. He told me what to do and wrote down all pertinent accounts and stuff. Luckily surgery went great and he was given the all clear by his doctor today That's great. No kidding! Its was kinda nice to know he trusted me with all that stuff. Probably because my mom would obviously be devastated and my 30 year old sister can't even handle a 12 year old cat being put down. |
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Wife and I had Our wills drawn up 16 years ago. getting them out once in a while to update them is Humbling.
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After the stuff we went through with my grandfathers and my aunts estate, my folks updated theirs.
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I always got the creeps from people that bragged about the shit they were going to get when their parents or other loved ones died. Fucking weird.
I've been in the OP's shoes, and having a sense of humor about it is great, it sure is a shitty conversation to have. |
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It's not any more pleasant when they are not healthy. View Quote It's actually much worse. The conversation I had with my dad, when he was dying at 58, will be seared into my memory til the day I die. I advise everyone to have this conversation when the time of death is still relatively unknown. |
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My parents sat me down last year and wrote me out of their will since my fiance isn't good enough for them View Quote That's a sure way to strain a relationship. I bet that didn't go the way they'd thought it would when you kept turning them down. If someone tried to pull that on me I'd tell them I will specifically go against their desires to spite them for trying to control me in such a pathetic way. I keep telling my parents to spend it all before they die, but I don't think we're talking as much as you are. |
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Im glad I have a great sister. My parents said a little would go to charity and the rest evenly to us on the financial side. House would be sold, split that, split other items how we want. Its not something I worry about.
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Nothing like discussing the mortality of a loved one.It always gives me the creeps. After dealing with a situation that didn't have a will, I'm always grateful to when someone has the foresight to do this. It really is an act of love. View Quote This. My dad didn't want to deal with the fact that he was going to die (all while drinking heavily & smoking & doing everything he could to kill himself), so his estate was a mess when he passed. My mother has had a will drawn up by a lawyer, advance directives, told me where it's located & who the lawyer is, the works. My oldest brother is the executor of the financials, I'm the executor of personal stuff (who gets what from the house, that kind of thing). Much better all around than the way my dad did it. |
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That's an uncomfortable conversation. They're healthy, so we were able to make jokes while going over it. I'm still not a fan of that conversation though. View Quote As painful and uncomfortable as it was, it sure beats the alternative, you could go years resolving the issue of their estate. You are a better man because of it. |
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Is an attorney needed or just written and signed statements stamped by a notary?
What about trusts, wills, DNR or POA? |
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That's an uncomfortable conversation. They're healthy, so we were able to make jokes while going over it. I'm still not a fan of that conversation though. View Quote Much better than waiting until you NEED to get it done in a hurry, trust me on that one. |
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That's an uncomfortable conversation. They're healthy, so we were able to make jokes while going over it. I'm still not a fan of that conversation though. View Quote I have their instructions in my safe. I wont open it. |
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Is an attorney needed or just written and signed statements stamped by a notary? What about trusts, wills, DNR or POA? View Quote I imagine that it's going to vary state by state, but I would always recommend using a lawyer on something like this. My parents did, and they said that she brought up a lot of things/scenarios that they hadn't considered. It was easy to let a professional handle it and was only a one time, non-recurring expense. |
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My Dad, irresponsible to the end, died without a will.
We sorted his shit out, but it was a PITA. A will would have made things easier. |
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This. My dad didn't want to deal with the fact that he was going to die (all while drinking heavily & smoking & doing everything he could to kill himself), so his estate was a mess when he passed. My mother has had a will drawn up by a lawyer, advance directives, told me where it's located & who the lawyer is, the works. My oldest brother is the executor of the financials, I'm the executor of personal stuff (who gets what from the house, that kind of thing). Much better all around than the way my dad did it. View Quote View All Quotes View All Quotes Quoted:
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Nothing like discussing the mortality of a loved one.It always gives me the creeps. After dealing with a situation that didn't have a will, I'm always grateful to when someone has the foresight to do this. It really is an act of love. This. My dad didn't want to deal with the fact that he was going to die (all while drinking heavily & smoking & doing everything he could to kill himself), so his estate was a mess when he passed. My mother has had a will drawn up by a lawyer, advance directives, told me where it's located & who the lawyer is, the works. My oldest brother is the executor of the financials, I'm the executor of personal stuff (who gets what from the house, that kind of thing). Much better all around than the way my dad did it. As a former estate planning attorney, you have no idea how smart you are to have gone over the part in bold above. Seen FAR too many cases where Mom or Dad have drawn up a perfect will, then hidden it and told nobody where to find it. Assuming Mom or Dad even told the kids they have an updated will, and have destroyed all copies of the old superseded wills, of course... And there's always the lovely situation of "I want my oldest son Bob to be my executor, he's a lawyer/physician and has such good judgment!" Uh, yeah, Bob lives 1600 miles away from the county where your estate will be administered, and if he leaves his practice for days or a week at a time regularly (to fly there at big expense) then that kinda fucks him over, doesn't it? And for everyone reading this, a will is important but an advance medical directive is far more important because nothing destroys family ties and pits siblings against siblings like the debate over "Dad would have wanted us to pull the plug at this point" versus "NO, DON'T KILL DADDY, I want him to live as a no-cognitive-brainwave vegetable in an expensive hospital bed for 30 more years!" |
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I have their instructions in my safe. I wont open it. View Quote View All Quotes View All Quotes Quoted:
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That's an uncomfortable conversation. They're healthy, so we were able to make jokes while going over it. I'm still not a fan of that conversation though. I have their instructions in my safe. I wont open it. I did, just to make sure that I completely understood what they wanted to have happen. I was actually surprised by one thing, so it was good for me to ask them and have them confirm it with me beforehand - rather than spending years afterwards wondering if I did the right thing. |
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Or being the one to make sure the medical staff adheres to those wishes. That was rough. View Quote View All Quotes View All Quotes Quoted:
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Try sitting down and going over their DNR. Or being the one to make sure the medical staff adheres to those wishes. That was rough. Thank youfor honoring their wishes. It is very uncomfortable when a loved one doesn't want to do so. Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile |
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Is an attorney needed or just written and signed statements stamped by a notary? What about trusts, wills, DNR or POA? View Quote SPEND THE MONEY ON AN EXPERIENCED ESTATE PLANNING ATTORNEY. He will know the pitfalls to avoid. I used to make a LOT of money off of fixing self-inflicted fuckups created by people who thought they were smarter than me or could save money by using LegalZoom, or both. Plus, some of these documents (depending on your state's law) are not valid unless the proper formalities are observed. For example: Wills nearly always have weird witness signature requirements, and in many states you have to dig up those witnesses to testify to the probate court that yes, they did indeed witness the will execution. If you don't know the magic language to make a will self-authenticating (and thus avoid calling the witnesses, assuming they are even alive; annoyingly, old dying geezers like to have their fellow old dying geezers be their witnesses), you can accidentally put your heirs in a fucked-up position that a competent attorney can avoid. |
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Wife and I have done this shit with son.
He didn't really want to talk about it. To us it is just another part of going through life. |
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In addition to getting wills worked out, try to make sure that both parents are fully educated in what the other parents household functions are before one dies.
And if they can't assume the functions of the other make sure there is a plan to outsource that function in a way that will fulfill the need BEFORE the need exists. My father was a financial whiz and did everything himself. My mother can't balance a checkbook. My father died of pancreatic cancer in just 4 months from mowing the lawn to being dead. He spent way too much time while he was dying trying to educate my mother in how to deal with the taxes, the stocks etc. My mother pretty much got none of it, it slides right off her brain. On his last hospital admission we were in the *ER* and he made me get some paper from the nurses station and WHILE HE WAS BEING TRANSFUSED dictated notes to me on how to conduct the meeting with the tax accountant that we were going to have 3 days from then (that he clearly was not going to make). Its been 3 years since he died and we are still trying to figure how to handle the money. I'm good with numbers but not with stock picking like he was and my mother is an utter wingnut who can't make a decision. Handle this kind of shit before it happens, for everyone's sake. |
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My Dad, irresponsible to the end, died without a will. We sorted his shit out, but it was a PITA. A will would have made things easier. View Quote This. People get weird when a family member dies. This is a universal truth. Not commenting on PP's family, but I have seen firsthand how a loving family member can instantly become a greedy vulture with sticky fingers once Uncle Puddinghead dies. "I'll just slip this piece of nice jewelry into my pocket and take it, Uncle Puddinghead would have wanted me to have it...." A will can give heirs the political cover to say, "no, give it back, Uncle put in writing who he wanted to have that." The relatives might be pissed, but they will be less pissed at YOU as the executor than they would be in the absence of the will. |
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My parents sat me down last year and wrote me out of their will since my fiance isn't good enough for them and they don't want her to be able to spend a dime of it. I said, cool, it's your money, do with it what you wish. My mother is a "devout" Christian.....guess that's why I'm an atheist.... ETA: the reason this is a big deal to them, just like my grandmother, it's all about the money. I was constantly reminded for 6 month's after that they hoped I realized "You'd stand to inherit $10 million or more plus about 1000 acres of land". Some would call me stupid. But dammit, my fiance is a good woman. Sure she came from a fucked up family and she knows that. But she's finishing up school and works hard. She cooks all the damn time and I never have to ask to have my dirty clothes washed. View Quote For that kind of money I'd lie to them and tell they I dumped her and "came to my senses". Let them gloat and lord it over you and spend the rest of your life not working and using their money to give a great life to you and your fiance. Amateurs. |
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Try discussing your will with your daughter, your only daughter and only child.
My half of the discussion was fairly easy because I understand my mortality very well. She, however, was uncomfortable the entire time, particularly when I explained to her that I want no heroic measures taken to keep me alive and that she is the one who the hospital turn to to sign the do not resuscitate order and the organ donation forms. The good news is my daughter understands that this is my wish and I swear to God I will come back and haunt her forever if she doesn't do what I've asked. |
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In addition to getting wills worked out, try to make sure that both parents are fully educated in what the other parents household functions are before one dies. And if they can't assume the functions of the other make sure there is a plan to outsource that function in a way that will fulfill the need BEFORE the need exists. My father was a financial whiz and did everything himself. My mother can't balance a checkbook. My father died of pancreatic cancer in just 4 months from mowing the lawn to being dead. He spent way too much time while he was dying trying to educate my mother in how to deal with the taxes, the stocks etc. My mother pretty much got none of it, it slides right off her brain. On his last hospital admission we were in the *ER* and he made me get some paper from the nurses station and WHILE HE WAS BEING TRANSFUSED dictated notes to me on how to conduct the meeting with the tax accountant that we were going to have 3 days from then (that he clearly was not going to make). Its been 3 years since he died and we are still trying to figure how to handle the money. I'm good with numbers but not with stock picking like he was and my mother is an utter wingnut who can't make a decision. Handle this kind of shit before it happens, for everyone's sake. View Quote How old is your mom, and what is her life expectancy? Might want to consider a controlled, smart transfer of stocks & investments into something much simpler and less volatile. I'm still pissed at my dad for inheriting $900,000 of investments at age 67 and keeping it in speculative stocks. There is a huge danger of it plummeting in value when you don't have 20 years to wait for it to creep back up in value. Which of course it did. Had he intelligently moved that $900,000 into something FAR less risky (taking tax consequences into account, of course), he would still have $900,000 instead of $200,000. |
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My parents sat me down last year and wrote me out of their will since my fiance isn't good enough for them and they don't want her to be able to spend a dime of it. I said, cool, it's your money, do with it what you wish. My mother is a "devout" Christian.....guess that's why I'm an atheist.... ETA: the reason this is a big deal to them, just like my grandmother, it's all about the money. I was constantly reminded for 6 month's after that they hoped I realized "You'd stand to inherit $10 million or more plus about 1000 acres of land". Some would call me stupid. But dammit, my fiance is a good woman. Sure she came from a fucked up family and she knows that. But she's finishing up school and works hard. She cooks all the damn time and I never have to ask to have my dirty clothes washed. View Quote Wait, so your going to give up 10mil for someone your not even married to yet? |
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I did, just to make sure that I completely understood what they wanted to have happen. I was actually surprised by one thing, so it was good for me to ask them and have them confirm it with me beforehand - rather than spending years afterwards wondering if I did the right thing. View Quote View All Quotes View All Quotes Quoted:
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That's an uncomfortable conversation. They're healthy, so we were able to make jokes while going over it. I'm still not a fan of that conversation though. I have their instructions in my safe. I wont open it. I did, just to make sure that I completely understood what they wanted to have happen. I was actually surprised by one thing, so it was good for me to ask them and have them confirm it with me beforehand - rather than spending years afterwards wondering if I did the right thing. It's definitely piece of mind. And during that stressful time you will already have a plan of action before you. You can execute the will with confidence knowing that you are fulfilling their last wishes exactly how they wanted it done. I really gave me the peace and room to grieve when I needed it the most. |
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Quoted: That's an uncomfortable conversation. They're healthy, so we were able to make jokes while going over it. I'm still not a fan of that conversation though. View Quote |
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This. People get weird when a family member dies. This is a universal truth. Not commenting on PP's family, but I have seen firsthand how a loving family member can instantly become a greedy vulture with sticky fingers once Uncle Puddinghead dies. "I'll just slip this piece of nice jewelry into my pocket and take it, Uncle Puddinghead would have wanted me to have it...." A will can give heirs the political cover to say, "no, give it back, Uncle put in writing who he wanted to have that." The relatives might be pissed, but they will be less pissed at YOU as the executor than they would be in the absence of the will. View Quote View All Quotes View All Quotes Quoted:
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My Dad, irresponsible to the end, died without a will. We sorted his shit out, but it was a PITA. A will would have made things easier. This. People get weird when a family member dies. This is a universal truth. Not commenting on PP's family, but I have seen firsthand how a loving family member can instantly become a greedy vulture with sticky fingers once Uncle Puddinghead dies. "I'll just slip this piece of nice jewelry into my pocket and take it, Uncle Puddinghead would have wanted me to have it...." A will can give heirs the political cover to say, "no, give it back, Uncle put in writing who he wanted to have that." The relatives might be pissed, but they will be less pissed at YOU as the executor than they would be in the absence of the will. It's funny that you mention that. Mom is going to be making a list of possessions and which ones that are important to her and who she would like to have get them. There was one piece that she mentioned that a daughter-in-law has expressed an interest in, and how it will be going to someone else. Glad she is making that list, because I would have just told her to take it. |
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My dad told me he wasn't sure if was going to renew his CCW license this time, because I think he thinks he won't live long enough to need it anymore.
(I talked him into renewing it anyway). |
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Quoted: Wait, so your going to give up 10mil for someone your not even married to yet? View Quote View All Quotes View All Quotes Quoted: Quoted: My parents sat me down last year and wrote me out of their will since my fiance isn't good enough for them and they don't want her to be able to spend a dime of it. I said, cool, it's your money, do with it what you wish. My mother is a "devout" Christian.....guess that's why I'm an atheist.... ETA: the reason this is a big deal to them, just like my grandmother, it's all about the money. I was constantly reminded for 6 month's after that they hoped I realized "You'd stand to inherit $10 million or more plus about 1000 acres of land". Some would call me stupid. But dammit, my fiance is a good woman. Sure she came from a fucked up family and she knows that. But she's finishing up school and works hard. She cooks all the damn time and I never have to ask to have my dirty clothes washed. Wait, so your going to give up 10mil for someone your not even married to yet? |
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Difficult though it may be, be thankful for the fact that they are being proactive.
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How old is your mom, and what is her life expectancy? Might want to consider a controlled, smart transfer of stocks & investments into something much simpler and less volatile. I'm still pissed at my dad for inheriting $900,000 of investments at age 67 and keeping it in speculative stocks. There is a huge danger of it plummeting in value when you don't have 20 years to wait for it to creep back up in value. Which of course it did. Had he intelligently moved that $900,000 into something FAR less risky (taking tax consequences into account, of course), he would still have $900,000 instead of $200,000. View Quote View All Quotes View All Quotes Quoted:
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In addition to getting wills worked out, try to make sure that both parents are fully educated in what the other parents household functions are before one dies. And if they can't assume the functions of the other make sure there is a plan to outsource that function in a way that will fulfill the need BEFORE the need exists. My father was a financial whiz and did everything himself. My mother can't balance a checkbook. My father died of pancreatic cancer in just 4 months from mowing the lawn to being dead. He spent way too much time while he was dying trying to educate my mother in how to deal with the taxes, the stocks etc. My mother pretty much got none of it, it slides right off her brain. On his last hospital admission we were in the *ER* and he made me get some paper from the nurses station and WHILE HE WAS BEING TRANSFUSED dictated notes to me on how to conduct the meeting with the tax accountant that we were going to have 3 days from then (that he clearly was not going to make). Its been 3 years since he died and we are still trying to figure how to handle the money. I'm good with numbers but not with stock picking like he was and my mother is an utter wingnut who can't make a decision. Handle this kind of shit before it happens, for everyone's sake. How old is your mom, and what is her life expectancy? Might want to consider a controlled, smart transfer of stocks & investments into something much simpler and less volatile. I'm still pissed at my dad for inheriting $900,000 of investments at age 67 and keeping it in speculative stocks. There is a huge danger of it plummeting in value when you don't have 20 years to wait for it to creep back up in value. Which of course it did. Had he intelligently moved that $900,000 into something FAR less risky (taking tax consequences into account, of course), he would still have $900,000 instead of $200,000. My mom is 80 and is in excellent shape. She could easily make it to 100 barring a sudden catastrophe. She has other money other than the non-IRA fund and that stuff is relatively safe, but the Non-ira one is about 70% "widow and orphan " stock held as individual issues (like Chevron, Colgate, etc) and its throwing off about 12K a year in dividend income that is part of what she uses to live on. Rest is mostly in tax free bond funds. I can't even get her to quantify how much she needs to live on (quote is "I DONT WANNA LIVE ON A BUDGET", which i try to point out is not the question I'm asking). Luckily she is fairly frugal so isn't burning through the principle , she's doing ok on Social Security, some pension income, the RMD from the IRA, and the dividends. Its hell dealing with her. Add in the promise I made to my father on his deathbed that I would take care of her, and his demand that she leave the investments completely alone as he had set them up and its a recipe for ulcers (got one this summer). |
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That's an uncomfortable conversation. They're healthy, so we were able to make jokes while going over it. I'm still not a fan of that conversation though. View Quote My sister and I are in your shoes also... very uncomfortable sitting at the dinner table with books out showing insurance paperwork , deeds, titles , bonds.... both in their 70s and doing great. |
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