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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:22:00 PM EST
Fuck that chunky, jar shit. It's not supposed to be pico de gallo, it's not supposed to plop. It's supposed to drip and slide off your chip, mother fucker!
This is what you want, for real salsa that you pour on tacos and eat with tortilla chips. First off, you need four ingredients, FOUR! Tomatoes (Buy the cheap ones, broke ass. They don't have to pretty, steakhouse tomatoes. They're just going in a blender anyway you son of a bitch.), garlic, jalapenos, and salt. "But Rincon, I love cilantro and onions and shit!" No fucking kidding?! Guess what? So do I, so does everyone! You are not special, princess pants. I put cilantro on my pancakes. I rub lime juice on my tits. That's all well and good, but don't try and get creative with this tried and true sauce technique. This isn't you're aunt Patty's, from Ohio, abortion salsa. FOUR ingredients, Asshole. Chop off the tops of your tomatoes, split jalapenos and skin your garlic. 
Boil tomatoes for five minutes, then throw in the jalapenos and garlic for another minute. Take it off the burner, add salt, cover and let it sit for ten minutes. 
Strip the jalapenos of the seeds and veins. A slotted, wooden spoon works great for this, dumb shits. Everything just slides right on out. Everything into the blender, preferably something with a 50 HP motor. If you don't have a good blender, stop being poor or ask one of your fancier, Walmart greeter friends to borrow theirs. 
Blend that shit up and down. It will be a frothy fuckin mess afterwords, resembling your bloody, Sunday morning, hangover shits, you lushy, drunk waste. 
Add salt and throw it in the fridge for a few hours to settle and chill. Eat it. There it is. If you dick with this recipe and add pineapple, mango, corn or whatever other queer shit you read on pinterest for their "bestsalsaever#", I will find you and piss on you in your sleep. Enjoy, friends. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:28:21 PM EST
[#1]
Solid
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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:33:45 PM EST
[#2]
Fail for zero cilantro or green onion.
Fail for stripping the jalapenos down and not having seeds. You made weak ass hot sauce. Not salsa. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:35:21 PM EST
[#3]
Looks good.
But we'll have to agree to disagree on a couple of things. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:37:33 PM EST
[#4]
You're not supposed to boil it. You're supposed to char everything on a random flat piece of metal over an open flame. Then you blend.
Tomato, jalapeños, onion, garlic, lime juice, cilantro, salt. If you want extra heat, throw in some Japanese chiles too. I lived in a shitty house with a bunch of Mexican construction workers for 2 months. This is how they did it. Every night. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:40:53 PM EST
[#5]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
You're not supposed to boil it. You're supposed to char everything on a random flat piece of metal over an open flame. Then you blend. Tomato, jalapeños, onion, garlic, lime juice, cilantro, salt. If you want extra heat, throw in some Japanese chiles too |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:42:07 PM EST
[#6]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
This. But I add pepper, habeneros and serranos. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:42:10 PM EST
[#7]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Fail for zero cilantro or green onion. Fail for stripping the jalapenos down and not having seeds. You made weak ass hot sauce. Not salsa. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:43:00 PM EST
[#8]
Ketchup.
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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:44:35 PM EST
[#9]
Shit
But, you do remove the seeds. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:44:50 PM EST
[#10]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
You want to know the reason why your butt hole is always sore? Well, the other reason anyway? The seeds aren't digestible and resort in the ring of fire the day after. Guess what Gordan Ramsey, the whole "Seeds are where the heat comes from." bullshit is just that, bullshit. So, for those of us who haven't built up a 'resistance' to a horrendous ass pain, cut the seeds. Won't affect the heat one bit. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:51:41 PM EST
[#11]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
You're not supposed to boil it. You're supposed to char everything on a random flat piece of metal over an open flame. Then you blend. Tomato, jalapeños, onion, garlic, lime juice, cilantro, salt. If you want extra heat, throw in some Japanese chiles too. I lived in a shitty house with a bunch of Mexican construction workers for 2 months. This is how they did it. Every night. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 3:53:26 PM EST
[#12]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
We're gonna need the recipe for the salve you use on your cornhole. (No homo) 
Try this, it's not that bad. 2lbs Roma tomatoes 1/2 a large white onion 2 good size jalapenos 2 serranos 2 habeneros 1 cup cilantro 3-4 cloves of garlic minced 1 tbsp ground black pepper 2 tsp salt Juice of one lime Throw the tomatoes, onion and peppers on the grill till you get a nice all over char on them. Core the tomatoes. Remove some of the seeds from the peppers. Throw everything in a blender and blend to desired consistency. Let cool in fridge for a few hours. Enjoy! |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 4:01:08 PM EST
[#13]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
You want to know the reason why your butt hole is always sore? Well, the other reason anyway? The seeds aren't digestible and resort in the ring of fire the day after. Guess what Gordan Ramsey, the whole "Seeds are where the heat comes from." bullshit is just that, bullshit. So, for those of us who haven't built up a 'resistance' to a horrendous ass pain, cut the seeds. Won't affect the heat one bit. Guess you should try regular toilet paper instead of a bidet or that quilted charmin/northern toilet paper. OP still made shitty non-salsa |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 4:01:57 PM EST
[#14]
Chunked up onions, jalapenos, and a smidgen of cilantro in this stuff is great.
I also use it with brown sugar, basil, and oregano for pizza sauce. Just bought 6 cans @ .69 cents each a few minutes ago. 
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Posted: 8/19/2017 4:09:13 PM EST
[#15]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
You're not supposed to boil it. You're supposed to char everything on a random flat piece of metal over an open flame. Then you blend. Tomato, jalapeños, onion, garlic, lime juice, cilantro, salt. If you want extra heat, throw in some Japanese chiles too. I lived in a shitty house with a bunch of Mexican construction workers for 2 months. This is how they did it. Every night. I get the ingredients from the garden then can it for storage. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 4:13:09 PM EST
[#16]
Not sure if OP is serious
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Posted: 8/19/2017 4:13:47 PM EST
[#17]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Sounds great, for a roasted veggie, tomato sauce dip. I posted a proper, Mexican restaurant, table-top salsa. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
You're not supposed to boil it. You're supposed to char everything on a random flat piece of metal over an open flame. Then you blend. Tomato, jalapeños, onion, garlic, lime juice, cilantro, salt. If you want extra heat, throw in some Japanese chiles too. I lived in a shitty house with a bunch of Mexican construction workers for 2 months. This is how they did it. Every night. Real salsa is done on a plancha, like redfish described. My wife, from Jalisco, only uses tomato, jalapeño, and salt. You can put more stuff if you want. If you went way down in Mexico you would not eat any boiled salsa. Not sure what they do in the North. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 4:16:18 PM EST
[#18]
For instruction writing style alone! OP really makes me feel compelled to make this. 
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Posted: 8/19/2017 4:38:21 PM EST
[#19]
Isn't salt the fifth ingredient?
don't piss yourself you heathen.
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Posted: 8/19/2017 4:45:11 PM EST
[#20]
OP, that was some of the finest prose I've read in a long time. Salsa looks good too. Will check it out.
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Posted: 8/19/2017 4:51:43 PM EST
[#21]
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Posted: 8/19/2017 4:58:44 PM EST
[#22]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
You're not supposed to boil it. You're supposed to char everything on a random flat piece of metal over an open flame. Then you blend. Tomato, jalapeños, onion, garlic, lime juice, cilantro, salt. If you want extra heat, throw in some Japanese chiles too. I lived in a shitty house with a bunch of Mexican construction workers for 2 months. This is how they did it. Every night. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 5:00:37 PM EST
[#23]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Pretty much the way I do it. If I am being lazy I will put all the ingredients under the broiler until its charred. I get the ingredients from the garden then can it for storage. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
You're not supposed to boil it. You're supposed to char everything on a random flat piece of metal over an open flame. Then you blend. Tomato, jalapeños, onion, garlic, lime juice, cilantro, salt. If you want extra heat, throw in some Japanese chiles too. I lived in a shitty house with a bunch of Mexican construction workers for 2 months. This is how they did it. Every night. I get the ingredients from the garden then can it for storage. 
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Posted: 8/19/2017 5:05:29 PM EST
[#24]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
You're not supposed to boil it. You're supposed to char everything on a random flat piece of metal over an open flame. Then you blend. Tomato, jalapeños, onion, garlic, lime juice, cilantro, salt. If you want extra heat, throw in some Japanese chiles too. I lived in a shitty house with a bunch of Mexican construction workers for 2 months. This is how they did it. Every night. OP, if you are going to make salsa, at least use some ripe tomatoes from the garden, instead of that crap with no flavor from the store. It's the middle of summer for fucks sake. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 5:11:58 PM EST
[#25]
Open a can of Rotel tomatoes with chilis, drop in blender, spin to desired consistency.
Pretty good salsa in seconds. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 5:12:10 PM EST
[#26]
I'll try that out, but I'm adding cilantro, dickface
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Posted: 8/19/2017 5:27:08 PM EST
[#27]
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Posted: 8/19/2017 6:16:19 PM EST
[#28]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
No, that's some boiled restaurant stuff. Real salsa is done on a plancha, like redfish described. My wife, from Jalisco, only uses tomato, jalapeño, and salt. You can put more stuff if you want. If you went way down in Mexico you would not eat any boiled salsa. Not sure what they do in the North. (Leaving douchebag mode for a moment) my wife is also from Jalisco, Guadalajara to be exact. Her family recipe calls for frying sureno peppers and blended tomatoes in a pan and going from there. There is no 'real' way to make salsa. It's like telling an Eskimo that there is only one word for "snow". Everyone (Mexican) has a different method and they all say 'This is authentic'. No such thing, this was just a tutorial on decent restaurant style, chip salsa. Give it a try, you might find yourself a convert. You don't have to chop and squeeze stuff for half an hour to just achieve "meh" results. These four ingredients are the perfect accoutrement to fried, corn tortilla chip. Anyway, here is another salsa made, roasted, with the other evil things I left out of the restaurant style. This one brought the heat! 
(Entering back into douchebag mode) so suck my hairy ass, titty face. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 7:17:07 PM EST
[#29]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Looks good. But we'll have to agree to disagree on a couple of things. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 7:20:46 PM EST
[#30]
I'm with ya OP, i hate chunky salsa. HATE IT.
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Posted: 8/19/2017 7:23:47 PM EST
[#31]
Just grabbed some tomatoes and peppers from the garden, gonna give it a shot.
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Posted: 8/19/2017 7:38:50 PM EST
[#32]
Thats not how taquerias around here make it (Socal). They roast roma tomatoes and reconstitute dried chile de arbol chiles, then add a pinch of salt and Mexican oregano, then blend.
I do this but also add dried tepin peppers to keep others out of it. You can also add some vinegar, then run it through a mesh strainer to remove the solids and you get a Tabasco style hot sauce. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 7:42:58 PM EST
[#33]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Sounds great, for a roasted veggie, tomato sauce dip. I posted a proper, Mexican restaurant, table-top salsa. If you want a true taqueria style salsa you will lose the tomatoes and japs all together, and replace with tomatillo, and chili de arbol. See you want to toast the chiles de arbol in a dried state ( with seeds removed) You can leave the "ribs for hotter or remove them for more mild. ( the intense heat comes from the ribs connecting the interior of the pepper to the seeds BTW) THEN you want to boil the chiles de arbol with the garlic and tomatillos not only to rehydrate the chiles, but to soften the other incredients ( as your Murican salsa recipe does) Once soft and boiled you let sit for a while then take the chiles, tomatillos and garlic and put it in a blender, add just a touch of the water used to boil to achieve the right consistency so add a little at a time. Then add salt to taste, and an important last step, squeeze some fresh lime into the TRUE chile salsa. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 7:52:47 PM EST
[#34]
10/10 for writing style
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Posted: 8/19/2017 7:56:40 PM EST
[#35]
Quoted:
Enjoy, friends. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 8:12:15 PM EST
[#36]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
You're not supposed to boil it. You're supposed to char everything on a random flat piece of metal over an open flame. Then you blend. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 8:16:51 PM EST
[#37]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
No shit it's restaurant salsa, ball sucker. It's almost like I put that in thread title. Most people who consider themselves salsa gurus secretly wish their salsa was as good as what's in the bowl at their local dive taco joint. Well, here's how to make it! none of them have ever boiled flavor out of salsa ingredients. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 8:19:28 PM EST
[#38]
That's not how Mexican restaurants do it. They buy the cheapest bulk salsa they can find and water it down, and the smaller joints put a few drops of cheap hot sauce in it. That's restaurants and not taquerias.
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Posted: 8/19/2017 9:56:44 PM EST
[#39]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
... I'm guessing that you are a social loser, right? |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 9:57:31 PM EST
[#40]
I made a friend years ago when they were building a new baseball stadium in town. He lives 2.5 hours away and stayed in a camp trailer during the work week so he would come hang out and we'd drink cervezas at my place.
My favorite salsa he made was roaster cherry tomatoes, 2 roasted habaneros, garlic and a pinch of salt. He showed me how to make tomatillo sauce and all that stuff too, but that cherry tomato/habanero stuff was the best |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 10:15:27 PM EST
[#41]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
That's not how Mexican restaurants do it. They buy the cheapest bulk salsa they can find and water it down, and the smaller joints put a few drops of cheap hot sauce in it. That's restaurants and not taquerias. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 10:58:38 PM EST
[#42]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
That's not how Mexican restaurants do it. They buy the cheapest bulk salsa they can find and water it down, and the smaller joints put a few drops of cheap hot sauce in it. That's restaurants and not taquerias. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 11:01:20 PM EST
[#43]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
If your proper Mexican Restaurant is like Chili's or On the Border. If you want a true taqueria style salsa you will lose the tomatoes and japs all together, and replace with tomatillo, and chili de arbol. See you want to toast the chiles de arbol in a dried state ( with seeds removed) You can leave the "ribs for hotter or remove them for more mild. ( the intense heat comes from the ribs connecting the interior of the pepper to the seeds BTW) THEN you want to boil the chiles de arbol with the garlic and tomatillos not only to rehydrate the chiles, but to soften the other incredients ( as your Murican salsa recipe does) Once soft and boiled you let sit for a while then take the chiles, tomatillos and garlic and put it in a blender, add just a touch of the water used to boil to achieve the right consistency so add a little at a time. Then add salt to taste, and an important last step, squeeze some fresh lime into the TRUE chile salsa. |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 11:08:58 PM EST
[#44]
Quoted:
Fuck that chunky, jar shit. It's not supposed to be pico de gallo, it's not supposed to plop. It's supposed to drip and slide off your chip, mother fucker! This is what you want, for real salsa that you pour on tacos and eat with tortilla chips. First off, you need four ingredients, FOUR! Tomatoes (Buy the cheap ones, broke ass. They don't have to pretty, steakhouse tomatoes. They're just going in a blender anyway you son of a bitch.), garlic, jalapenos, and salt. "But Rincon, I love cilantro and onions and shit!" No fucking kidding?! Guess what? So do I, so does everyone! You are not special, princess pants. I put cilantro on my pancakes. I rub lime juice on my tits. That's all well and good, but don't try and get creative with this tried and true sauce technique. This isn't you're aunt Patty's, from Ohio, abortion salsa. FOUR ingredients, Asshole. Chop off the tops of your tomatoes, split jalapenos and skin your garlic. http://i.imgur.com/4Pb4Xm5.jpg Boil tomatoes for five minutes, then throw in the jalapenos and garlic for another minute. Take it off the burner, add salt, cover and let it sit for ten minutes. http://i.imgur.com/BLHUYFa.jpg Strip the jalapenos of the seeds and veins. A slotted, wooden spoon works great for this, dumb shits. Everything just slides right on out. Everything into the blender, preferably something with a 50 HP motor. If you don't have a good blender, stop being poor or ask one of your fancier, Walmart greeter friends to borrow theirs. http://i.imgur.com/qv8qBKF.jpg Blend that shit up and down. It will be a frothy fuckin mess afterwords, resembling your bloody, Sunday morning, hangover shits, you lushy, drunk waste. http://i.imgur.com/mZGcrZU.jpg Add salt and throw it in the fridge for a few hours to settle and chill. Eat it. There it is. If you dick with this recipe and add pineapple, mango, corn or whatever other queer shit you read on pinterest for their "bestsalsaever#", I will find you and piss on you in your sleep. Enjoy, friends. That shit looks like something drunks barf up outside their local bars. Chris |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 11:16:19 PM EST
[#45]
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Posted: 8/19/2017 11:18:24 PM EST
[#46]
For everyone that has an issue with this.. there is no wrong way to make salsa.. practically each family has their own recipe. As long as the OP likes it, that is all that matters!
So many different flavor profiles is what makes fresh salsa so awesome!!! |
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Posted: 8/19/2017 11:51:28 PM EST
[#47]
Quoted:
It will be a frothy fuckin mess afterwords, resembling your bloody, Sunday morning, hangover shits, you lushy, drunk waste.
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Posted: 8/19/2017 11:58:32 PM EST
[#48]
Quoted:
For everyone that has an issue with this.. there is no wrong way to make salsa.. practically each family has their own recipe. As long as the OP likes it, that is all that matters! So many different flavor profiles is what makes fresh salsa so awesome!!! I'll definitely be trying the OP's method as well as the charring the ingredient method. Damn I really want some salsa now. |
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Posted: 8/20/2017 12:10:05 AM EST
[#49]
I am willing to bet OP had the diet of a toddler ie very bland. That salsa looks pretty crappy and bland. I bet he eats a hamburger with only ketchup and pickles like my kids.
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Posted: 8/20/2017 12:12:39 AM EST
[#50]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I got no problem with how the OP made his salsa. Just think it's funny he blasts anyone using ingredients other than what he says to use 
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