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Posted: 8/17/2005 9:24:31 PM EDT
I've been employed as a pretzel maker at the mall for several years now, and I take great pride in my job. It's not just a mechanical action, the making of a fine pretzel, and it takes the right hands and a deft touch to impart the culinary grace possible for this classy and elegant edible.

However, the people who buy them need to get a few things straight. If they would follow a few simple rules, my life woult be A LOT easier.

1. Yes, I have a girlfriend. NO, we don't have 'an understanding', YES she would probably mind if we did 'that', NO I don't think it would be wise to try it anyway, YES, I have plans after work, NO, I haven't starred in any pornos!! When I'm making pretzels, I'm not just a piece of meat, I AM A PROFESSIONAL!! Catch me in the mall parking lot after work, and perhaps we'll talk, but not while I'm working!!

2. There is an order to the toppings. I've been making them for years, you've been eating them badly. You must UNLEARN what you believe to be the truth about pretzels. The Fab will get it right for you.

3. There is a well defined heirarchy of pretzel store employees, and the cook is at the top of the food chain. Why do you think I'm trusted with the money at the register? Why do you think they allow me to make the product? If you want to put in an application, ask for the manager... If you want to discuss your pretzel with a professional who knows how important it is... ASK ME!

4. DO NOT stare at me or make suggestive comments while I'm in the process of kneading the dough, or shaping the pretzel. This is when my concentration is most required. It's what they pay me to get right, and I don't take that lightly.

People need to get this right. When you're buying a pretzel, and the professor is IN, just put your money down and see how it's done.
Link Posted: 8/17/2005 9:26:21 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/17/2005 9:31:12 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Fast_Jimmy:

People need to get this right. When you're buying a pretzel, and the professor is IN, just put your money down and see how it's done.





No pretzel for you!!!!
Link Posted: 8/17/2005 9:33:25 PM EDT
LOL, the pretzel Nazi. I like that.
Link Posted: 8/17/2005 9:33:47 PM EDT
1. The first rule about pretzel making is DO NOT talk about pretzel making.
Link Posted: 8/17/2005 9:43:42 PM EDT
They're just pretzels. It's not like it takes much skill.
Link Posted: 8/17/2005 9:49:09 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Fast_Jimmy:

Yes, I have a girlfriend.



Was your screen name her idea?
Link Posted: 8/17/2005 10:00:01 PM EDT
Hmmm....the kid at my mall that makes pretzels is fat and smells funny.

I guess Pretzel making schools vary greatly in their coursework and credentials.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 7:48:11 PM EDT

Originally Posted By MachinegunManiac:
They're just pretzels. It's not like it takes much skill.



Have you ever worked as a pretzel maker?

I didn't think so.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 7:50:24 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Fast_Jimmy:

Originally Posted By MachinegunManiac:
They're just pretzels. It's not like it takes much skill.



Have you ever worked as a pretzel maker?

I didn't think so.






Do you ducttape the dough to your back so you can absorb multiple full power shots?
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 7:52:20 PM EDT
Our Rules:


1. Make them fresh

2. Toss out the old crap


3. Make them like the picture - light & golden - not burned to shit


4. Have some - don't be out. Pay attention to the flow of sales & people. It ain't rocket science
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 8:00:25 PM EDT

And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones who start
To mold a new reality
Closer to the heart
Closer to the heart

The blacksmith and the artist
Reflect it in their art
They forge their creativity
Closer to the heart
Yes, closer to the heart

Philosophers and ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the heart
Yes, closer to the heart, yeah

Whoa-oh, you can be the Captain
And I will draw the chart
Sailing into destiny
Closer to the Heart
Closer to the Heart
Well, closer to the Heart, yeah



Rush, Closer to the Heart


Link Posted: 8/18/2005 8:01:25 PM EDT
You go Fast_Jimmy

Damn it, when I buy a Pretzel I want it to be made by a guy with
your enthusiasm and dedication.

Man, I wish there was more pretzel makers with your attitude at my malls.

There are few Americans left with your work ethic.

God bless you Fast_Jimmy

GM
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 8:21:59 PM EDT

Originally Posted By fight4yourrights:


4. Have some - don't be out. Pay attention to the flow of sales & people. It ain't rocket science



When you've rolled the perfect doughy rods and shaped them artfully with skilled and practiced hands... When the line of women stretches to the Yen Ching chinese booth and you can see the hunger in their eyes... When you realize... I'm a god damned pretzel maker, and is there anything better than that? Then you'll know in that moment, that pinpoint of clarity etched in your mind forever.. the world is yours.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 8:24:26 PM EDT

Originally Posted By swingset:
Hmmm....the kid at my mall that makes pretzels is fat and smells funny.

I guess Pretzel making schools vary greatly in their coursework and credentials.



Actually, there was a pretty damn long apprenticeship program... like 14 months, and then I was able to join the union as a journeyman, which is the basic professional grade of pretzel chef.

You're absolutely right though, not every pretzel maker is a pretzel chef.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 8:33:41 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Fast_Jimmy:

1. Yes, I have a girlfriend. NO, we don't have 'an understanding', YES she would probably mind if we did 'that', NO I don't think it would be wise to try it anyway, YES, I have plans after work, NO, I haven't starred in any pornos!! AND NO, 13 is not the age of consent in Ohio. When I'm making pretzels, I'm not just a piece of meat, I AM A PROFESSIONAL!! Catch me in the mall parking lot after work, and perhaps we'll talk, but not while I'm working!!




You wack-off in front of a mirror, don't you.

Link Posted: 8/18/2005 8:40:05 PM EDT
Well. It's good to see someone that takes pride in their work.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 8:45:32 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 8:53:17 PM EDT
I had aspirations of pretzel making, but I didn't think I had the mojo for it.

I went for the shirt-folding degree instead.

Someday, tho, I haven't given up on my brown, salty dream.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 8:54:21 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 9:03:26 PM EDT
<Charlton Heston> Here's to you... Mr. Mall Food Court Pretzel Maker <[Charlton Heston]>

Oh, Mr. Mall Food Court Pretzel Maker ...
Oooohhh..

Link Posted: 8/18/2005 9:10:56 PM EDT

Originally Posted By swingset:
I had aspirations of pretzel making, but I didn't think I had the mojo for it.

I went for the shirt-folding degree instead.

Someday, tho, I haven't given up on my brown, salty dream.



You have to hold on and believe.

I wrote a poem about that once:


10 SECONDS TO LOVING YOUR CLEAN GUN

Baby, hold my rifle, but don't pull my trigger...
Let's rewrite history
In the elevator..
Or lock the door.
Polish my handgun just a small amount more.
I'll be coming there soon.
Just 10 seconds more... baby


Link Posted: 8/18/2005 9:12:41 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/18/2005 9:13:24 PM EDT by xanadu]

Originally Posted By Fast_Jimmy:

Originally Posted By swingset:
I had aspirations of pretzel making, but I didn't think I had the mojo for it.

I went for the shirt-folding degree instead.

Someday, tho, I haven't given up on my brown, salty dream.



You have to hold on and believe.

I wrote a poem about that once:


10 SECONDS TO LOVING YOUR CLEAN GUN

Baby, hold my rifle, but don't pull my trigger...
Let's rewrite history
In the elevator..
Or lock the door.
Polish my handgun just a small amount more.
I'll be coming there soon.
Just 10 seconds more... baby






Bloodninja...is that you?

ETA - Haaarrrr!
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 9:16:35 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/18/2005 9:17:42 PM EDT by Fast_Jimmy]

Originally Posted By happycynic:

Originally Posted By Fast_Jimmy:

1. Yes, I have a girlfriend. NO, we don't have 'an understanding', YES she would probably mind if we did 'that', NO I don't think it would be wise to try it anyway, YES, I have plans after work, NO, I haven't starred in any pornos!! AND NO, 13 is not the age of consent in Ohio. When I'm making pretzels, I'm not just a piece of meat, I AM A PROFESSIONAL!! Catch me in the mall parking lot after work, and perhaps we'll talk, but not while I'm working!!




You wack-off in front of a mirror, don't you.




Well, a man can't make pretzels ALL day long...

But seriously, I usually hook up with someone hopelessly hot in the parking lot, if my GF can't make it. We do have an understanding. Have you seen my bike yet? I'll have to dig up that photo, in which I look, I have to admit, AWESOME. Pretzel making isn't necessarily my life. I just do everything 100 percent, full throttle. Nothing less than mastery is my policy.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 9:32:30 PM EDT
Do you strap on the "deadly-duo" when your wife pics you up from work?

In that high risk of a job, how often do you train in weapons and tactics? You better be wearing multiple layers of kevlar! You could be turning around to toss a pan of dough into the oven, and then all the sudden ya got multiple .308 rounds into your back!


Please! Just be careful.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 9:36:19 PM EDT
My parents owned a pretzel store and I worked there for six years; however, I'm not as strange as you.
Link Posted: 8/19/2005 4:17:35 AM EDT
This thread should be in the religion forum.
Link Posted: 8/19/2005 4:22:51 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/19/2005 4:28:00 AM EDT by Cleatus]

Originally Posted By Keith_J:

And the men who hold high flour
Must be the ones who start
To mold a new ampersand
Closer to the dough
Closer to the dough

The MALL PRETZLE MAKERS and the artist
Reflect it in their art
They forge their creativity
Closer to the dough
Yes, closer to the dough

Doughmakers and salt men
Each must know his part
To curl a new doughality
Closer to the dough
Yes, closer to the dough, yeah

Whoa-oh, you can be the Store Captain
And I will pour the salt
Salting into destiny
Closer to the Dough
Closer to the dough
Well, closer to the dough, yeah



Rush, Closer to the Dough





I think this is what geddy lee had originally written for this song
Link Posted: 8/19/2005 3:07:40 PM EDT

Originally Posted By xanadu:
<Charlton Heston> Here's to you... Mr. Mall Food Court Pretzel Maker <[Charlton Heston]>

Oh, Mr. Mall Food Court Pretzel Maker ...
Oooohhh..





Heston does the Real Men of Genius commercials?
Link Posted: 8/19/2005 3:10:04 PM EDT
Jimmy, do salted or unsalted pretzels burn more efficiently when loaded in XM193?
Link Posted: 8/19/2005 4:33:10 PM EDT

Originally Posted By napalm:

Originally Posted By xanadu:
<Charlton Heston> Here's to you... Mr. Mall Food Court Pretzel Maker <[Charlton Heston]>

Oh, Mr. Mall Food Court Pretzel Maker ...
Oooohhh..





Heston does the Real Men of Genius commercials?



When I hear that voice - It's Charlton Heston in my mind - so get over it!
Link Posted: 8/19/2005 7:18:29 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/19/2005 7:20:37 PM EDT by Fast_Jimmy]

Originally Posted By Cleatus:

Originally Posted By Keith_J:

And the men who hold high flour
Must be the ones who start
To mold a new ampersand
Closer to the dough
Closer to the dough

The MALL PRETZLE MAKERS and the artist
Reflect it in their art
They forge their creativity
Closer to the dough
Yes, closer to the dough

Doughmakers and salt men
Each must know his part
To curl a new doughality
Closer to the dough
Yes, closer to the dough, yeah

Whoa-oh, you can be the Store Captain
And I will pour the salt
Salting into destiny
Closer to the Dough
Closer to the dough
Well, closer to the dough, yeah



Rush, Closer to the Dough





I think this is what geddy lee had originally written for this song



Aside from making me laugh, this really made me think.

When I was but a young man, I knew the dough as flour, and water, and that which hardens into bread. But as I ventured out into the world, the dough took on meaning beyond the simple ingredient. Dough, masterfully shaped, cunningly worked into improbable shapes by the hand of a craftsman is the metaphor I have sought, and, inevitably, the answer to the question I had not thought to ask:

For whom does the timing bell on the pretzel oven chime?

Not for the craftsman, nay, he is merely the master of shapes and matter. Nor for the glassy eyed babe reaching out with trembling fingers, pale eyes locked with those of the pretzel craftsman as he sternly awaits the judgment of her mouth, for she is merely the consumer of baked matter.
It chimes for mankind. For the pope. For Jackie Onassis, Al Cowlings, and the mayor of Dubuque. For me, for you, for the pretzelmaker and bread consumer in all of us.

It chimes for us.
Link Posted: 8/19/2005 7:52:06 PM EDT
Uh, Fast_Jimmy, I think you have a growing credibility gap...pretzel dough isn't just flour and water...yeast is part of the magic.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 11:00:50 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Keith_J:
Uh, Fast_Jimmy, I think you have a growing credibility gap...pretzel dough isn't just flour and water...yeast is part of the magic.



I'm not going to write a poem about yeast if that's what you're getting at.
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 11:09:23 PM EDT
I know this is a joke but I seriously want a fucking pretzel right now.


Link Posted: 8/22/2005 11:41:01 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/22/2005 11:56:41 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 3:24:58 PM EDT
Semi-Dupe!

your pretzle powers suck!

Link Posted: 8/23/2005 3:27:30 PM EDT
anyone got a secret pretzel recipie?
Link Posted: 8/24/2005 6:25:45 PM EDT

Originally Posted By WesDesRat:
Semi-Dupe!

your pretzle powers suck!




I'm sure you probably work in an office, or with some type of service company, or in the medical field, and that's all right. We need people to do that work. Without you, and other assorted guest workers, migrants, and southerners, our great nation would fall apart.

It's a shame that the kind of job I have, Union Pretzel Chef, is becoming a rarity. I'd get you on if I could, but some things are beyond my control. When I tell people about the benefits package, they look me up and down as if I'm nuts and can't believe the package could be so substantial.
Link Posted: 8/24/2005 6:31:23 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Dance:
This thread should be in the religion forum.



This thread should be in the Pit.
Link Posted: 8/24/2005 6:32:52 PM EDT
BTW. Your sigline dosen't fit.

It needs to read.

I AM A PRETZEL NAZI. WORSHIP ME.
Link Posted: 8/24/2005 6:38:11 PM EDT

Originally Posted By goodmedicine:
You go Fast_Jimmy

Damn it, when I buy a Pretzel I want it to be made by a guy with
your enthusiasm and dedication.

Man, I wish there was more pretzel makers with your attitude at my malls.

There are few Americans left with your work ethic.

God bless you Fast_Jimmy

GM



Me, too....my daughter loves 'em and I want Jimmy makin' 'em for her!

HH
Link Posted: 8/24/2005 6:47:51 PM EDT

Here we go again...........

Man, y'all are some gullible sorts here.


Link Posted: 8/28/2005 4:58:21 PM EDT

Originally Posted By HoustonHusker:

Originally Posted By goodmedicine:
You go Fast_Jimmy

Damn it, when I buy a Pretzel I want it to be made by a guy with
your enthusiasm and dedication.

Man, I wish there was more pretzel makers with your attitude at my malls.

There are few Americans left with your work ethic.

God bless you Fast_Jimmy

GM



Me, too....my daughter loves 'em and I want Jimmy makin' 'em for her!

HH



Is your daughter interested in the profession? I know some people, and can kind of give her some guidelines. Taking the right courses through high school doesn't hurt either.

Like I say, people are astonished at the package I've got, when I describe it in detail, as it relates to my excellent career.
Link Posted: 8/28/2005 5:01:25 PM EDT

Originally Posted By fight4yourrights:
Our Rules:
3. Make them like the picture - light & golden - not burned to shit


Somebody lost that page at the vendor downstairs from my office.
Link Posted: 8/28/2005 5:02:59 PM EDT

Originally Posted By CSM:
BTW. Your sigline dosen't fit.

It needs to read.

I AM A PRETZEL NAZI. WORSHIP ME.



I have refused pretzels before. When people aren't conducting themselves in a manner befitting an individual about to consume culinary finery... I point them to the exit doors across from JC Penneys.
Link Posted: 8/28/2005 5:18:45 PM EDT
You're trying to get steady work writing for The Onion, right?
Link Posted: 8/28/2005 5:59:42 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Fast_Jimmy:

When you've rolled the perfect doughy rods and shaped them artfully with skilled and practiced hands... When the line of women stretches to the Yen Ching chinese booth and you can see the hunger in their eyes...



When you mix add your "personal ingredient" to the pretzel and the women compliment you on the salty taste...






Link Posted: 8/28/2005 7:38:14 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/28/2005 7:52:52 PM EDT by Fast_Jimmy]

Originally Posted By XJ:
You're trying to get steady work writing for The Onion, right?



That would be all right, but I wouldn't mind being a motorcycle journalist. I'm heavily into things that are fast. This photograph should make that quite clear. The bike, by the way, is the fastest I've yet encountered in Ohio. In fact, I'm known as 'the king of Ohio', in drag racing circles.
Of course, my actual nickname is The Fab.

Link Posted: 8/28/2005 7:49:04 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Fast_Jimmy:
In fact, I'm known as 'the queen of Ohio', in drag racing circles.
Of course, my actual nickname is The Fag.



Fixed it for you...

Fabulous!




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