The news topic for today is the resignation of President Kerry after only 4 months in office:
After being awarded 3 purple hearts while in office, the President decided to resign.
FIRST AWARD- An errant stapler not fully embedded in a series of military documents, pierced his skin causing undue discomfort.
SECOND AWARD- Reeling from a paper cut from an anti-gun legislation proposal, he seeked medical help from the President's medical team. The team, consisting of a Psychiatrist, Gynecologist and a Veterinarian,
deemed the President able to carry on with his duties, despite the aroma of smelling salts.
THIRD AWARD- While receiving his haircut, it was found that the President had passed out from the sound
of the scissors which resembled machine gun fire. The fallen hair have given all for their country. No DNA testing was used to determine whether it was his hair or not.