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Posted: 8/23/2005 10:15:20 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/23/2005 10:25:45 AM EDT by AshNH]
I work at home, my wife has the day off today. I've been pretty busy all day, so she decided to go out and take the dog for a ride to a nearby pond so he could go swimming. Less than a minute after she left, she called me from her cell and said "Watch out, as I was pulling out of the driveway, I could see a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses coming up the street, you might want to lay low if the doorbell rings."

So, I been working hard all day and can use a little diversion, so I peeped out the window, and sho'nuff, they were coming up the street, about 3 houses down ... Quick thinking, no time to dig a tiger trap, or rig a snare .... I grabbed my laptop, and a pair of speakers, ran out to the living room, and pulled up the raunchiest porno available at the moment, cued it up to a scene where the gal was having a particularly good time and screaming her approval at the manhandling she was receiving. I arranged the speakers just under the windows by the front door and turned the volume up.

Quick check out the window, they were 2 houses down now, I watched them try the next house, and then the next, and just as they were coming up to the end of my front walk I let 'er rip. I was peeking out a side window opposite where the speakers were to see the reaction. The speakers must've been quiet enough to not be heard from the end of the walkway, since they started towards my front door without hesitation ... About halfway up the walk, one of them, slowed and kind of hesitated, as if he were trying to figure out what he was hearing, and then, damned if the both didn't keep right on going to the front door, and rang the doorbell.

So at this point I had NO doubt that they had to be hearing the sounds of Tiffany Rayne romancing the bone, so I turned it up just a hair, then a little more, I couldn't see the front steps from where I was, so I decided to add some more relaism, and started banging the love seat in the living room up and down to the rythm. And then, the doorbell rang AGAIN! Can you believe it? Persistent little buggars aren't they? So I did the only thing I could do and turned the volume up the rest of the way ... It was loud, the couch was bumping, I started kicking shoes and things around the room to make more noise and started worrying on how I was going to wrap this all up ... The actors were coming pretty close to the end of their performance, and I couldn't tell if they were still at the door or not. I decided that if they were still there when the scene came to the end, I'd swing open the door with my shirt off and hair all mussed up, and ask "Hey, any of you guys got a cigarette?" ... Just as things were wrapping up though, I saw them turn the corner out at the end of my front walkway and kept going up the streeet, kind of furtively glancing back over their shoulders.

I only wish I'd had a video camera to capture the whole thing on tape.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 10:21:04 AM EDT


That is the funniest thing I've read here in awhile.
Thanks I needed that.
Good job.

Link Posted: 8/23/2005 10:21:30 AM EDT

Originally Posted By AshNH:
I work at home, my wife has the day off today. I've been pretty busy all day, so she decided to go out and take the dog for a ride to a nearby pond so he could go swimming. Less than a minute after she left, she called me from her cell and said "Watch out, as I was pulling out of the driveway, I could see a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses coming up the street, you might want to lay low if the doorbell rings."

So, I been working hard all day and can use a little diversion, so I peeped out the window, and sho'nuff, they were coming up the street, about 3 houses down ... Quick thinking, no time to dig a tiger trap, or rig a snare .... I grabbed my laptop, and a pair of speakers, ran out to the living room, and pulled up the raunchiest porno available at the moment, cued it up to a scene where the gal was having a particularly good time and screaming her approval at the manhandling she was receiving. I arranged the speakers just under the windows by the front door and turned the volume up.

Quick check out the window, they were 2 houses down now, I watched them try the next house, and then the next, and just as they were coming up to the end of my front walk I let 'er rip. I was peeking out a side window opposite where the speakers were to see the reaction. The speakers must've been quiet enough to not be heard from the end of the walkway, since they started towards my front door without hesitation ... About halfway up the walk, one of them, slowed and kind of hesitated, as if he were trying to figure out what he was hearing, and then, damned if the both didn't keep right on going to the front door, and rang the doorbell.

So at this point I had NO doubt that they had to be hearing the sounds of Taffany Rayne romancing the bone, so I turned it up just a hair, then a little more, I couldn't see the front steps from where I was, so I decided to add some more relaism, and started banging the love seat in the living room up and down to the rythm. And then, the doorbell rang AGAIN! Can you believe it? Persistent little buggars aren't they? So I did the only thing I could do and turned the volume up the rest of the way ... It was loud, the couch was bumping, I started kicking shoes and things around the room to make more noise and started worrying on how I was going to wrap this all up ... The actors were coming pretty close to the end of their performance, and I couldn't tell if they were still at the door or not. I decided that if they were still there when the scene came to the end, I'd swing open the door the door with my shirt off and hair all mussed up, and ask "Hey, any of you guys got a cigarette?" ... Just as things were wrapping up though, I saw them turn the corner out at the end of my front walkway and kept going up the streeet, kind of furtively glancing back over their shoulders.

I only wish I'd had a video camera to capture the whole thing on tape.



Now THAT is comedy.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 10:25:25 AM EDT
Oh man, that's great. The only thing that could have made that better would have been the "alternate ending" with you asking for a cig.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 10:26:49 AM EDT
"We dont want yo stinkin Watchtower"

then rack the ol 870.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 10:27:01 AM EDT
The only thing funnier would have been if you and your wife both answered the door in a state of disarray.

Definitely one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

Nice One

<hand salute>
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 10:38:34 AM EDT

Originally Posted By birdbarian:
The only thing funnier would have been if you and your wife both answered the door in a state of disarray.


We had a similar situation like that several years ago ... New Years day, and we'd had a bunch of friends stay overnight ... About 9am, the doorbell rings and I guess that time it was a couple of Mormons, opened the door and there we all were in various states of dress, some still sleeping, some getting dressed, everyone assuredly very hungover ... it looked like we'd just had a Roman Orgy, and these 2 white shirt, black tie Mormon guys are just standing their with their jaws open.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 10:42:35 AM EDT
THAT is good.......
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 10:48:34 AM EDT
nicely done
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 10:52:41 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 11:05:45 AM EDT

When JW or Mormons come to my house I always take their literature, say thank you, and close the door. My wife gets mad when I actually read the stuff. I get a kick out of it.

I had a JW married couple coming to my door weekly for a month and the exchange was always "HI", "HI", "Thank you", <door close>. One day may father-in-law arrived at my house the exact time the nice JW couple shows up and they start talking about how I'm joining their church. He nearly came unglued!! My father-in-law told them off! He came into the house red faced and was ready to perform an exocism on me. What a hoot even my wife had a laugh.

Shok
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 11:06:08 AM EDT
I had a simmilar experience with the roaming revivalists once.
Iwalked out to get the papers one morning and saw them coming down the street, so I waited around by the door.
I had the window open and the shades drawn so I could see out and they couldn't see in and I could see their feet as they were walking up up to the door.
Just before the guy knocked, I opened the door and said "Good Morning, Satin told me you would be here at this time... Won't you come in?".
They turned around very slowly and walked away.
I never had them visit again.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 11:17:46 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/23/2005 11:18:04 AM EDT by keving67]

Originally Posted By Shadowsabre:
I had a simmilar experience with the roaming revivalists once.
Iwalked out to get the papers one morning and saw them coming down the street, so I waited around by the door.
I had the window open and the shades drawn so I could see out and they couldn't see in and I could see their feet as they were walking up up to the door.
Just before the guy knocked, I opened the door and said "Good Morning, Satan told me you would be here at this time... Won't you come in?".
They turned around very slowly and walked away.
I never had them visit again.



Satin is gay linens

Confused me there
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 11:19:59 AM EDT

Originally Posted By keving67:

Originally Posted By Shadowsabre:
I had a simmilar experience with the roaming revivalists once.
Iwalked out to get the papers one morning and saw them coming down the street, so I waited around by the door.
I had the window open and the shades drawn so I could see out and they couldn't see in and I could see their feet as they were walking up up to the door.
Just before the guy knocked, I opened the door and said "Good Morning, Satan told me you would be here at this time... Won't you come in?".
They turned around very slowly and walked away.
I never had them visit again.



Satin is gay linens

Confused me there



Yet cheaper than silk and easier to wash.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 11:25:33 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 11:30:46 AM EDT
I wish I could do that kind of stuff. I can't even hang up on a telemarketer I'm such a wuss
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 11:35:08 AM EDT


Link Posted: 8/23/2005 11:48:08 AM EDT
I beg forgiveness from the Hive.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 11:52:14 AM EDT

Originally Posted By livefreeordieNH:
nicely done



+1!


In my case, I grew up across the street from an assylum, er, Kingdom Hall. We were bothered incessantly until one day I up and told them we were avowed Satanists, and would they like to come into my basement and help me sacrifice something.

Never bothered me again.


Fucking freaks.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 11:54:38 AM EDT
Answer the door naked.....it's my favorite.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 11:57:58 AM EDT
If you don't have time to rig up a "porno anti-JW mine" you can do what I do.

"Hello, would you like hear about Jehovah's Witnesses?"

"I'm a Baptist."

Works like a cross on a vampire.

G
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 11:59:53 AM EDT

Originally Posted By glock23carry:
If you don't have time to rig up a "porno anti-JW mine" you can do what I do.

"Hello, would you like hear about Jehovah's Witnesses?"

"I'm a Baptist."

Works like a cross on a vampire.

G




I'll have to remember that one.

Any particular reason why?
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 12:03:24 PM EDT
When I was working nights I had them come knocking on my door about an hour after I got to sleep. I saw the suits so I deliberately answered the door in my boxers with a .45 in hand. (Too heavy for mexican carry!) The older one muttered something about seeing the light of god or some such stuff. I didn't let him finish the sentence. I advised them that they woke me up and they needed to leave the property before the shooting started. I did get an apolgy.

It is galling to have someone attempt to impose thier faith on you.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 12:05:58 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Zaphod:

Originally Posted By glock23carry:
If you don't have time to rig up a "porno anti-JW mine" you can do what I do.

"Hello, would you like hear about Jehovah's Witnesses?"

"I'm a Baptist."

Works like a cross on a vampire.

G




I'll have to remember that one.

Any particular reason why?



Because we call them on their bullshit when they pick and choose verses out of context to fit their doctrine.

JW's are the Michael Moores of the Bible.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 12:09:20 PM EDT

Originally Posted By HELOBRAVO:
Answer the door naked.....it's my favorite.



I never had that much nerve... but opening the door in your skivvies and speaking only German works very well.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 12:11:38 PM EDT
ARFCOM covered this several months ago. The correct response to JWs is to strip naked, rub your entire body in KY jelly, quickly don your LBE, and open the door to invite them to the gangbang
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 12:59:33 PM EDT

Originally Posted By 1Andy2:

Originally Posted By Zaphod:

Originally Posted By glock23carry:
If you don't have time to rig up a "porno anti-JW mine" you can do what I do.

"Hello, would you like hear about Jehovah's Witnesses?"

"I'm a Baptist."

Works like a cross on a vampire.

G




I'll have to remember that one.

Any particular reason why?



Because we call them on their bullshit when they pick and choose verses out of context to fit their doctrine.

JW's are the Michael Moores of the Bible.



Yep.

G
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 1:07:14 PM EDT

Originally Posted By birdbarian:
The only thing funnier would have been if you and your wife both answered the door in a state of disarray.

Definitely one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

Nice One

<hand salute>





Before I grew old and fat, I used to answer the door in a pair of boxers holding a beer and a smoke.

I'd give them a little sneaky grin and tell them "Come back later. The wife's out of town and I got me this little 18 YO hottie.The little twitch can suck the chrome offa trailer hitch". Then I'd wink.

They'd turn red and leave.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 1:08:04 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/23/2005 1:12:33 PM EDT by WildBoar]
Now thats a way go freak em out.

Had a buddy go charging out my door while I was trying to shoo them away once. He did some wierd thing where he flipped his eyelids inside out and had about 4 Alka Seltzers foaming our of his mouth. He pushed me and the JW's out of the way and fell into the front yard. HE was arching his back and shaking like having an epilectic fit. He was making demonic sounds and tried his best to imitate backwards latin. all the while foam flying everywhere.

I didnt see that comming but should have expected him to do something. I was trying to hold in my lauhgter but gave up after a while.

The JWs just stood there and watched him do his thing. They walked away after he calmed down, he would lay face down and breathe heavy and once in a while yell out an obscenity like some demon.

Now that I have been changed and grown up, I ask them questions to the point of them having to excuse themselves.
Link Posted: 8/23/2005 1:11:03 PM EDT

Originally Posted By glock23carry:
If you don't have time to rig up a "porno anti-JW mine" you can do what I do.

"Hello, would you like hear about Jehovah's Witnesses?"

"I'm a Baptist."

Works like a cross on a vampire.

G



Pretty much.
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