Thank you! You've reported that your family member does not accept that if they don't buy consumer goods, the terrorists will have won. To help us better understand your family member's behavior, please indicate what kinds of consumer goods they are reluctant to purchase by selecting from one of the following options:
- If your family member is reluctant to purchase food, press 1
- If your family member is reluctant to purchase clothing, press 2
- If your family member is reluctant to purchase household goods, press 3
- If your family member is reluctant to purchase properly-licensed digital entertainment, press 4
- If your family member fails to recognize that not watching the commercials on network television is a form of theft, press 5
- If your family member is reluctant to purchase the latest movie-tie-in games and toys, press 6
*6*
Thank you! You've indicated that your family member is reluctant to purchase the latest movie-tie-in games and toys, some of the finest products that our American System of Capitalism has to offer. To better understand your family member's behavior, please select from one of the following options:
- If your family member refuses to purchase the joint Minority Report / Office of HomeLand Security Junior PreCrime Investigator kit, press 1
- If your family member refuses to purchase the joint Austin Powers / CIA / FBI Master of Disguise Makeup Kit (including Austin Powers Teeth and J. Edgar Panties) press 2
- If your family member refuses to purchase the joint Lilo & Stitch / Immigration and Naturalization Service video "Welcome to America, Now Assimilate, Little Alien!", press 3
*3*
Thank you! Although failure to purchase the Lilo & Stitch / Immigration and Naturalization Service video "Welcome to America, Now Assimilate, Little Alien!" is not yet a crime, hopefully it soon will be, after the passage of the USA-BUCKS (United Senators Advocating Buying Unlimited Crap in Key States) act, sponsored by Senator Hollings.
We already know where you live, of course, but to ensure we question the correct family member, please enter your name using the letters on your phone's touchtone keypad:
*W* - *E* - *N* - *D* - *Y*
Thank you, Wendy! Now please enter your family member's relationship to you:
- Press 1 if the family member you've described is your sister
- Press 2 if the family member you've described is your brother
- Press 3 if the family member you've described is your father
- Press 4 if the family member you've described is your mother
- Press 5 if the family member you've described is your child
For all other relationships, press 9
*4*