You're best jokes. I could use a chukkle before I go to bed. Patty
Ever hear of a oooh oooh bird?
It has 4" balls and 2" legs and when it lands it goes oooh oooh
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer"
I'll refrain from the trip to the zoo with the always immaculate ex-wife and the masturbating chimp. No one would believe it anyway, but it was, by far, the most hilarious scene I have ever experianced in my life.
How many militant feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
2. One to change the lighbulb and one to suck my dick.
What if I said pretty please? Would you tell your story then? Patty
*ETA* Good luck with that one Roboman!
this one turned south in a hurry
Why does it take three women with PMS to change a light bulb?
<font size=6>IT JUST DOES!!!!!!!
My barber went in for citizenship and wasn't expecting such a crowd. He was schedued to take the history test. He looked in and muttered "Ho-leeee shit!"
Some authority type asked who said that and the barber replied: "Mayor of Hiroshima,"
"Oh, yeah? Name 2 other people at said that in US history ad I'll waive the test."
"Hessian General at Trenton on Christmas morning, and General Custer at Little Big Horn," he said.
Little Brian was in his 5th grade class when the
teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living.
All the typical answers came
up-fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer,
Brian was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the
teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and
takes off all his clothes in front of other men and
they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the
offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy
and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,
hurriedly set the other children to work on some
exercises and took little Brian aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Brian, "he works for John Kerry, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.
Start a man a fire, and he is warm for a day. Start a man ON fire,
and he is warm for the rest of his life.
A man and his son where very poor.
So the man told his son to take their last duck to town and see what he could get for it.
On the way to town the son met a hooker who asked him if he want to have some fun.
"Sure" he replied "but all I got is this duck"
"That's okay " she said...and they proceeded on with the encounter.
Afterward the hooker was so well satisfied that she offer the duck back to the boy if he would make love to her again. So he did.
After he was don e he grabbed his duck and went outside, the duck got away and ran into traffic where it was immediately killed by a truck. The driver got out and felt so bad he gave the young man $25.
So the son went home and the father asked him how he did.
"Not bad" the son replied: " I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a fucked up duck for 25 bucks!"
Pooby bravo! Zardoz the Kerry joke made me blow scotch up my nose! Patty
A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream.
"What was that!?" she asks.
"Oh don’t worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."
"Ouch," she blurts.
Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.
St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."
Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I’d rather go to hell."
He responds, "No, no you don’t want to do that, you’ll be raped and sodomized there!"
The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
The little boy farmer joke redeemed you Roboman! Patty
Why did the blonde snort NutraSweet?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
A kid goes to school and hears a great way to make some money off his parents. His friend tells him to just say simply "I know the whole story. I know your secret and I'm OK with it.. So He goes home.
He runs into his father first. He says "I know the whole story. I know your secret and I'm OK with it."
Dad pulls out his wallet and hands him twenty bucks. "Don't tell your mother" he cautions.
He heads straight ot the kitchen and finds his mother. "I know the whole story. I know your secret and I'm OK with it." Mom goes to her purse and pulls out forty dollars. Pressing it into his hand she says "OK, but don't say anything about it again."
He steps out onto the porch to survey for his next victim. The postman walks up and hands him the mail. The kids staters him down and says "I know the whole story. I know your secret and I'm OK with it."
The postman looks at him and kneels down. "Finally! C'mere! Give your real father a hug."
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."
Salesman stops by a farmers place and asks to spend the night.
The farmer has a beautiful 18 yr old daughter and promptly tells
The salesman "You can spend the night in the barn"; "But,
you must promise not to put your penis in the 3 holes in the south wall of the barn".
The salesman promises, walks into the barn and falls asleep.
About midnight, the salesmans curiosity gets the better of him and he looks into the first hole.
He sees nothing, it is dark.
He sticks his finger in the hole and finds it is warm and wet.
Integrity not being one of his better traits, the salesman puts his penis in the first hole.
Feels pretty good. The salesman tries the second hole and it is better than the first.
Feeling gutsy, he places his penis into the third hole.
The farmer is awakened by yelling and screaming from the barn.
The farmer finds the salesman, stuck in the third hole, white as a sheep, tears streaming from his
eyes, crying "What the hell is in this hole ? cried the salesman"
The farmer says "Well, on the other side of the first hole was my wife"
"The second hole was my daughter............."
"And the last hole is my automatic milking machine that does not quit until it gets 4 gallons."
Dark In here
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No thanks"
Boy: "My dad's outside"
Man: "OK, how much?"
In the next few weeks it happens again and the boy & mum's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball glove"
Man: "How much?"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says "I can't I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1000" and the father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and have you confess."
They go to the church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says "Dark in here."
The priest says "Don't start that shit again"
So a guy buys a parrot and when he gets it home he discovers it swears and is verbally abusive.
After a particularly trying tirade the guy grabs the parrot and throws it in the freezer.
Not wanting it to die he retrieved it after a few seconds.
The parrot humbly looks up and says "I'm sorry sir if my language offended you and I meant no disrespect. May I ask what the chicken did?"
Old joke. No there are three guys, each to a hole and the first hole is his cow.
Two guys Frank and Bob, are out hunting. At the campfire, Bob admitted that he hadn't yet had sex, and Frank assured him that he'd soon find the right woman. By the last day they've gotten nothing - so they decide to split up an go in separate directions, and see if they get any good game -and meet up at the end of the day.
When they meet up, Bob is all excited, and can't wait to tell Frank his amazing story.
"You won't believe it! I was walking along the railroad track, and I found a beautiful woman tied to the tracks. I untied her, and we had amazing sex! We did it in all kinds of positions, and it went on for hours! It was awesome"
"That's great" Frank replied. "Did you finally get a blow-job as well"
"No" Bob responded. "I never did find her head"
Oh DK-PROF that's horrible! Patty
In that case I'm glad I didn't tell the other, more tasteless, joke.
I didn't say I didn't like it I just said it was horrible! Patty
Phew !! I was honestly worried that I might have offended.
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
There once was a man from Nantucket...
A guy suspects his wife and best friend are having an affair
so he hires a hit man to get revenge .
The hit man tells the guy that it's $10,000 a shot and
asks what he wants done .
The guy says I want you to shoot my wife in the head
and then shoot my friends dick off .
The hit man agrees and takes the job
A few days later the hit man calls the guy at work
and says that he has his wife and friend in his sights
They are both naked in the bedroom of his home .
The guy screams , I knew it .. Shoot them !!
The hit man says , Hold on a second ..
The guy says . What do you mean hold on . I'm paying
you good money to do this job .
The hit man says . yes that's true , but if I wait a few seconds
it will save you 10 grand
John Kerry once ran for President of the United States of America.
(And if that wasn't funny enough, he did so as a 'war hero.')
The nieghbor lady says "hey Little Johnie why are you digging that hole"
Little Johnie says "cause I'm burying my canary"
The lady now states " thats a mighty BIG Hole for just a canary"
Little Johnie states "thats cause he's inside your F***ing CAT!"
Against my better judgement - all non-pc disclaimers apply!
A Cowboy, an Indian and a Muslim are sitting in a bar.
The Indian says - "Once we were many..., now we are few."
The Muslim chuckles and says - "Ha! Once we were few, now we are many!"
The Cowboy pauses and says -
"Guess thats 'cause we ain't got 'round to playin' Cowboys and Muslims yet"
Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom one evening, and sees the covers going up and down. Johnny asks "What are you guys doing?" To which dad replies "Um, We're playing poker." Johnny says OK, and leaves.
The following week Johnny is at his grandparents house. He walks into their bedroom one evening and sees the covers going up and down. Johnny asks "What are you guys doing?" To which grandpa says "Um, We're playing poker." Johnny says OK, and leaves.
The following week Johnny's dad walks into Johnny's room and sees the covers going up and down. Dad asks "Johnny what are you doing?" Johnny says "I'm playing poker" Dad says "But Johnny, you need 2 people to play poker." Johnny replies "Not when you have a good hand!"
Love the cow/golf ball one!! Patty
In high school, I was on a club trip and we were on our way to some destination, can't even remember where now. We stopped to relieve ourselves at one of those interstate rest areas. We went in and took our spots at the urinals. The teacher in our group starts reading the graffiti written on the wall of his stall. I heard him say: "Hmmmmmm, the joke's in your hand". Then he was like, "hey guys...check out what's written here". I just chuckled and told him, hey man, it's written in your stall, not mine. So this joke is all your's. Then I said, mine has a water depth and temperature indicator built in. After that, he never mentioned anything else about the graffiti and got back on the bus.
Hehe. Not really a joke in the true sense but I prefer real life comical moments to fabricated ones.
Give a man a fish, and you've fed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Since music is my life, here are some music jokes:
How many orchestral conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the light bulb and the world revolves around him.
How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll look through several boxes before he finds one he likes (a joke on finding a good clarinet reed)
What is the difference between a baritone sax and a lawn mower?
About an octave.
You can tune a mower.
A musician told another that he could play so fast that he could play 512th notes at 60 beats per second. The other musician didn't believe him, so the first musician proved it by playing one.
It was the last concert of the year for the orchestra, and they always ended with the ninth symphony. The bass players hated this, because they only played a few notes at the beginning, and then a few at the end, a half an hour later. They had nothing to do but sit and wait.
Therefore, before the concert, the bass players decided that, after playing their parts in the opening of the symphony, they'd quietly lay down their instruments, leave the stage and visit the bar next door to the concert hall for a while. They planned to return just in time to play their final notes.
That's just how it went. But after ten minutes at the bar, two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the players were rather drunk. Finally one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!"
On their way back into the concert hall, the bassist who had suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time - I anticipated something like this, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's sheet music. When he gets to that spot in the score, he'll have to slow the tempw way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other!"
Sure enough, when they got back to the stage, they discovered that they hadn't missed their entrance. But one look at their conductor's face told them that they were still in serious trouble.
After all, it was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied, and two men were out!
For some reason, violists are always made fun of. It is probably because violas are similar to violins, but they usually play the less important stuff while the violins play the melodies. Also the size of the violas make it more difficult to play in tune. SO here's a classic viola joke:
An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestral manager asked whether anyone in the orchestra could step in and conduct. The only person to volunteer was the last-chair viola player.
The manager was nervous. "You have no time to rehearse," She said. "You'll have to conduct the concert cold."
"I know. It'll be all right." Said the violist.
The violist conducted the concert, and it was a smashing success. Because the conductor was still ill the violist conducted all the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations every time.
Two weeks later the conductor had recovered, and the violist took his place at the back of the viola section.
As he sat down, his stand partner asked, "So, where have YOU been for the past two weeks?"
A viola player came home to find his house burned to the ground. "We're so sorry," the police told him. "Apparently the conductor of your orchestra came to the house, made love to your wife, stole everything worth stealing, and then set fire to the place.
The viola player was utterly shocked at this news. "Really? The Maestro was HERE?!"
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs after a house fire?
what did kermit the frog say after jim henson died?