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Posted: 9/23/2004 5:41:47 PM EDT
Ok here's the deal.... I would like a female's opinion on how you would view me as "dating" material with my past and my current situation.
I'll give ya the reader's digest version for the those who don't know what i'm talking about. Almost two years ago my fiance and 10 month son were killed by a drunk driver while i was on duty one night. I was actually the 3rd officer on the scene but, i had no knowlegde of the victims when responding. Last month Hurricane Charley reduced my place and pretty much everything i owned to a pile of garbage. I'm staying at a friends currently until i can get back on my feet.
So there ya go.. i'm a 25 y/o L.E.O who's homeless... pretty attractive huh?.. I'm not some emtional basket case but, i have been very doubtful that any sane woman would want to deal with me. If i get hit on i pretty much pass it off because in my mind i guess i think once they find out about things , that'll be the curtain call. So do i appear as bad i as imagine? Don't be nice , be honest. Thanks

Link Posted: 9/23/2004 5:57:43 PM EDT
in a heartbeat, if i was single

Link Posted: 9/23/2004 6:23:16 PM EDT
Well, you would probably get at least a sympathy date from moi (if I wasn't already shackled to QuietShootr), but I would really have to think twice about having a relationship with someone who lost his loved ones so tragically. By that I mean, I would always be wondering if I was being compared to your fiance because you certainly didn't chose for that relationship to end and if, God forbid, things didn't work out, breaking up with you would be way difficult to do. (See, we haven't even dated and I've already dumped you! You've been used!) I think you would have be very open and honest as well as make sure that your prospective lady friend isn't there because of sympathy, because that is exactly what you DON'T need. So, all in all, you should not date me, but I am sure that there are other lovely girls who LOVE to go out with a cute guy even if he is a homeless LEO!
Link Posted: 9/23/2004 6:25:23 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/23/2004 6:28:36 PM EDT by Persephone]
screen door.....Ivan

wait, I'm married.

Seriously though. Your're smart, nice, handsome as all hell, what's not to like? You're a keeper to me.

Don't go writing off ladies because you're afraid of what they'll think. That's not even giving them a chance. Anyone of decent caliber would be able to see past that into your heart - and that's what matters. If you're ready, go for it.

Edited to add: Oh, you wanted the opinion of a sane woman, guess that rules me out.
Link Posted: 9/23/2004 6:37:30 PM EDT
Tagged for a reply in the morning. I need sleep to answer sanely!
Link Posted: 9/23/2004 6:40:43 PM EDT
I'm with Persephone. Your past is what makes you who you are today ...not to try and sound like Dr. Phil...but I personally wouldn't have a problem with your past or current condition. The fact that you are absolutely gorgeous doesn't hurt either
But we all know eventually the novelty of looks wears off. I wouldn't toss you to the wolves for leaving the toilet seat up.
Now if you were homeless, mooching off of friends, unemployed and perfectly content in that situation .. forget it..
Link Posted: 9/23/2004 6:54:03 PM EDT
If you managed to tell me all of this on the first date, I would probably run far and fast, honestly (not the house lost in the hurricane part). If you waited until we had gone out a few times and had established some level of trust and emotional intimacy before sharing, it wouldn't be a problem. I think that is going to be the key for you. Get to know her and let her get to know you before you tell her about your tragic losses. I wish I could say that it won't make a difference at all, but it will. It will affect how you deal with relationships as well.

My heart goes out to you. I will continue to pray for you.
Link Posted: 9/23/2004 8:49:33 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/23/2004 8:55:55 PM EDT by Ogre_4070]
I am going to say that mainly because of your age it may be difficult to find someone who understands what you have gone through. Let me call to your attention that I said difficult not impossible. You have gone through a lot for someone of 25 and I think that would intimidate a lot of people. Having had the experience of losing a spouse, I know that it leaves you with a lot of emotional baggage - baggage that most people your age would not wish to deal with. Being homeless because of a hurricane is not a negative; I am sure there are a lot more people in Florida in the same predicament. Some in worse situations because not only did they lose their homes but their jobs as well. You do have a job so you can start over accumulating junk .

While some will see you as having too much baggage, I see you of a man of great strength - if your internet personality is anything to go by. You have been through a lot and yet you keep on trying. I seldom say anything like this but I admire you. I am sure you will find someone eventually who will see what a good, strong person you are. However, you are going to have to give them the chance to prove that. I also know how difficult it is to date again after losing someone you love, so give yourself all the time you feel that you need.

So you are not going to be what some materialistic party girl will be looking for, but a sane woman would take a chance with you if you have dealt with your past.
Link Posted: 9/23/2004 10:42:45 PM EDT
I'm not a chick so ignore this if you like.

You had a son and were prepared to get married so I think you know how to weed out shallow, party bimbos so they shouldn't be a problem.

You've been through some F'ed up shit and come out the other side seemingly no worse for the wear. The biggest problem I can see you having with women would be coming into contact with a Florence Nightingale who thinks she needs to nurse you back to health. If you release the info about your past slowly you should be able to avoid them. Also, you don't seem like a "basket case" so you might not even attract that type. Like cat_aclysm said you can probably let them know about the house destruction pretty soon and might be a good idea so your prospective dates don't think you are some kind of loafer that doesn't have his own place.

I would tell you how sorry I am about your situation, but I don't think you need sympathy because you've got it handled...
Link Posted: 9/24/2004 3:22:26 AM EDT
If I was younger and single of course I would go out with you. As the other women have told you it all depends on the girl. I also agree do not tell her until you have gotten to know her and vice a versa about the tragedy of losing your son and fiance. Being homeless because of the hurricane is nothing to be ashamed of,there are others who are probably in worse shape than you. You have been through alot for someone your age,which is going to change you. Obviously it hasn't beaten you down which is good. Any sane reasonable women would be crazy to not go out with you. Don't pass on someone because of the way you perceive yourself. You have been through something so horrible,but you keep picking yourself up and keep going. I have to give you credit for that. Don't discount yourself,if you are ready to start dating again do it,if not that is okay too. My brother lost his wife 4 years ago,he is just now thinking of dating again.
Link Posted: 9/24/2004 4:00:55 AM EDT
You have been dealt a pretty shitty hand in the last 2 years. Circumstances, both beyond your control, but devastating. You have gotten some pretty good advice from some. Now I am going to be honest. Yes you can be dateable material. The homeless stuff wouldn't and shouldn't turn anyone away. You just need time to rebuilt, it takes time. As far as emotionally, you need to make sure that you have dealt with the loss of your fiance. The fact you keep "passing off" advances from women, leads me to believe your not past her death yet. I can't say honestly how I would be in the same situation. It was a very hard blow to handle. The fact your asking, tells me your ready to let her rest. Never forget her, but let her rest.
If and when you make the leap, you will need to be honest about your past, but it won't be something you just tell someone on the first date, or even the second for that matter. It too needs to be brought up at the right time.
Your a handsome young man, I honestly believe you can move forward and find someone who will be the right one again. Your still in my prayers, for another reason now. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Link Posted: 9/24/2004 6:56:37 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Persephone:
Seriously though. Your're smart, nice, handsome as all hell, what's not to like? You're a keeper to me.

And the fact you cook is nice too! What sane woman wouldn't want you?
Link Posted: 9/24/2004 7:07:01 AM EDT
Just wanted to suggest at least for now that you try not to worry about what may be appealing to someone else. Do what feels right in your heart and your mind, and don't worry about things beyond your control, such as another person's reaction. It's easy to say and difficult to do, but nothing bad could ever come from being true to yourself!

Take as much time as you need to heal and get your life back to where YOU want it to be, and maybe then the dating thing will seem like a no brainer.

You are obviously an incredibly strong person to have gone through what you have and still have maintained your pleasant character. There is nothing wrong with being open and honest about your past, but I agree with the others about the timing. If you are just casually dating someone, there is no reason to get into the details unless you get to the point with that person where you feel that you would like to get more serious about things.

When you meet the right person, there will be no reason to second guess whether or not you can be open with her. Anything worthwhile will be mutual.

Link Posted: 9/24/2004 7:22:38 AM EDT
I suppose that before you start worrying about what other women would think of you, start with figuring out what YOU want. If you are not actively dating because you are afraid of what they will think, that is one thing. However, if you are not dating because you don't think that you are ready, then that is completely different. Figure out if you want to date or not before anything else.

Now, if you do want to get out and start dating again, don't think about anyone else right now, just do it. One of the things that I think is really sad about modern times is the idea that if you go on a date, you are then committed to a long term, deep, heavy relationship. 20, 30 years ago it was accepted that people would date a few different people, non-sexually of course, and didn't feel committed to anyone for a while. Try this; there are, believe it or not, sane women who don't need a promise of marriage on the first date. Let the women know that you are just looking for a casual dating experience, and this will scare away the ones who might put pressure on you. See how it all goes and if you can handle it at the moment. I don't see any reason why you would need to bring your past up at first, unless you find it is still in the way of your ability to function.

If you date for a while and find it too difficult, there is nothing wrong with taking yourself out of the dating scene for a while. Perhaps it would be a better idea to cultivate some good friendships with women that you think are worthy of friendship, and take it really slow. I have found that relationships that started with a friendship ended up much better than dating immediately. I would strongly suggest staying away from a sexual relationship unless/until you know that you are really comfortable with the intimacy that goes along with it.

You are young, so give yourself some time. Take care of yourself, and it will all work out. I don't know you personally, but the gals here hold you in high regard, so that must say something about your character. Good luck, and if you make your way out to California......
Link Posted: 9/24/2004 7:39:15 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/24/2004 7:40:47 AM EDT by MrsBRF]
some women might be drawn toyou knowing you've gone through a lot, some may not. you seem REALLY awesome!! (so sorry about the accident, hadno idea) but dont pass things up...REALLY. and lay everything you say is (bad) on the table during date 1 or 2 so the hurt (if shes a b*tch and doesnt stick around) you're BETTER off!!!!!!! (you seem really awesome!)

ETA::this thread is USELESS without a PIC
Link Posted: 9/24/2004 7:52:53 AM EDT
Link Posted: 9/24/2004 8:21:27 AM EDT

Originally Posted By MrsBRF:

ETA::this thread is USELESS without a PIC

You haven't seen his pictures? He's the total package.

Ditto to everything above. I would add my $.02, but it would be the usual redundant reply.
Link Posted: 9/24/2004 8:58:50 AM EDT
...JUST scanned all the pages of hottie guys lookin for him...found him...and unless a lady is crazy, you're in!!
Link Posted: 9/24/2004 3:02:52 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Miss_Magnum:

Link Posted: 9/25/2004 6:55:15 AM EDT
After I'm single I'll fly to florida, one date..then I'll give you the honest 2 cents worth.
Link Posted: 9/25/2004 8:57:04 AM EDT
thank you everyone for the advice and kind words..

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