There once was a lady named Louise,
Her pubic hair hung to her knees.
The crabs in her twat,
Tied her hair in a knot,
And constructed a flying trapeeze.
There once was a Lady from Reeling
Who had a peculiar feeling
So she laid on her back
and opened her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling.
There once was a man from Nantucket...
Interesting thread, I hope to expand my vocabulary on this one!
There was a young man from Peru,
Who fell asleep in his canoe,
While dreaming of Venus,
He played with his penis
And woke up all covered in goo.
There was a young man from Saint Paul
Who went to a masquerade ball.
Just for a stunt,
He went dressed as a cunt,
And was fucked by a dog in the hall.
There was an old woman from Leith,
Who would circumcise men with her teeth
It wasn't for fame,
Or, love of the game,
But, to get at the cheese underneath.
In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue
He hit a rock, split his cock,
and pissed all over the crew.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose c*ck was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
Wiping sperm from his chin,
If my ear was a c*nt, i would f*ck it.
There once was an apple-cheeked runt,
Who was welcomed with joy at the front,
This God's gift to he-men,
prevented spilled semen,
For his ass was tatooed like a cunt!
A soldier known only as Sarge
Had sex with a hooker named Marge
Though only a grunt
He assaulted her cunt
And gave her a hon'rable discharge
The day was clear,
the sky was blue.
Around the corner,
the shit wagon flew.
A wheel flew off,
a scream was heard.
A man had been killed,
by a flying turd.
There once was a man named St. Clair
who was banging his girl on the stair
the bannister broke
he shortened his stroke
and finished her off in mid-air.
Once a young woman named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
And part of her ass was in Dallas.
There was a young man from Spleen
who invented a wanking machine
on the 99th stroke
the fucking thing broke
and whiped his balls to cream
There was a man from boston,
he drove a little austin,
he had room for his ass &a gallon of gas,
but his balls fell out & he lost em.
There was a young man from Marsailles,
Who lived on clap-juice and snails,
When he couldn't afford these,
He lived on the cheese,
He scraped from his cock with his nails.
There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.
There was a goucho named Bruno
Who said, "about fucking, I do know..."
That women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
But llamas are numero uno.
There once was a man from the cape
Who fucked a barbarian ape
The ape said you fool
You fucked up my tool
And put all my arse out of shape
There once was a young man from Kent
Whose dick was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He stuck it in double
So instead of coming, he went
There was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
She was covered in puss
but never did fuss
and look at the money he saved
There once was a man named Dave.
He had a dead whore in a cave.
She smelled like shit,
She had but one tit,
But think of the money he saved.
Born on a mountain
Raised by a Bear
Got 4 sets of teeth and an ass full of hair
Drink rot gut Whiskey
Got a 9 inch rod
I'm a mean mother fu*ker
I'm a Republican by God!
Ole' Mother Hubbard ...
looked in the cubboard ...
to find Rover a BONE ...
when she bent over Rover rode her ...
because HE HAD A BONE OF HIS OWN !!!
There was an old man from `Ras
His balls were made of brass
He whacked `em together
Made stormy weather
Whilst thunder came out of his ass
There was a young man from spleen
who made a screwing machine
concave or convex
it would screw either sex
but, oh, what a bitch to clean
A sex crazy robot named Ray
Had sex in the bathtub one day.
His circuits eroded,
His bollocks exploded.
And frightened his woman away.
There once was a man from Dundas,
Who's balls were made out of brass.
When he clanked them together,
They made stormy weather,
And lightning shot out of his ass.
There was a man from Millenocket
who put his dick in a light socket
the son of bitch, threw the switch
and his cock took off like a rocket...
There once was a lady from Kent
Who shit wherever she went!
She went to the fair, she even shit There -
So they filled up her ass with Cement!
There once was a woman from Wheeling,
who claimed no sexual feeling.
But a man named Boris,
touched that poor girl's clitoris
and they scraped her off of the ceiling.
There once was a lady named Nelly,
her and her boyfriend were joined belly to belly,
because in their haste,
they used library paste,
instead of petroleum jelly.
There once was a whore from Azores,
who's cunny was covered with sores.
And the dogs in the street,
did snap at the meat,
that hung in festoons from her drawers!
Mary Mary quite contrary - how does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells and one fucking banana.
Ther was a morticians young daughter named Maddy,
who told a young and virginal laddy,
if you do as I say,
we can have a great lay,
since I buried more stiffs than my daddy.
Masterbation, what a recreation, masterbation what a way to go. First you grab a dirty sock, then you put it 'round your cock. dirty sock 'round your cock wooooooohhhhh!
There once was a girl named Dot,
who lived on pig shit and snot.
When she couldn't get these,
She'd eat the green cheese,
that she scraped from the sides of her twat.
Good ones here
The second part to this one...
The cabin boy, The cabin boy
he was a little nipper
shoved broken glass into his ass,
and circumsized the skipper.....
The AR-15 is a beautiful thing
but in just one area it lacks.
It's extremely reliable, but seldom viable
when beating the democrats back.
There once was a man named, Dan
He was a great American Man
He was so sick and tired
Of the Liberal Pinko Liars
He said, "Matters are now in my hands!"
He thought about much of the time
About defeating this treason crime
And not after long
He remembered a song
One with a delightful rhyme!
Die, Motherfucker, Die was the title
He admired the video much, like an idol
So disgusted in the ways
America was betrayed
By Leftist well-rehearsed recitals!
He became so enraged by their actions!
Revenge became a great passion!
He thought up a bold plan
To take back Our land
Gathered his guns and food rations!
No money he had from the start
Only friends with very big hearts
So he formed a Tac Team
Patriots in O.D. Green!
And remembered that war is an art!
Hollywood was in for a thrill
Where they would take ARs up the hill
And pick off by one
Michael M**re and his scum!
It was only the start of blood spill!
CNN, ABC, CBS
Were now in a helluva mess!
It was time all the lies
Were stopped with ZIP TIES!
Two-twenty threes told the rest!
This story is all ficticious
But this Dan's still malicious and vicious
He just may saddle up
With the Bushmaster Bullpup
And try not to look suspicious!
ETA: MODS, please fix this post if it's against the CoC. I'm not asking for trouble, just havin' a little fun!
There once was a girl named Dot
Who inserted a fly in her twat
When you played with her fuzz
That fucker would buzz
Till you glued his wing shut with a shot
Little Willie feeling bright,
Bought a stick of dynamite,
Curiosity seldom pays,
It rained Willie for seven days.
aww geeze yall some sick fucks
There was an old man named Mobby Dick
He was the only man with a corkscrew prick
He searched far and wide and high and low for a woman with a corkscrew hole.
When he finally found her he dropped over dead.
The dirty old bitch was lefthand thread.
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexohydranical ball
The cube of its weight
Times his mothers plus 8
Is his phone number
Give him a call
There was an old woman from wailing
Who had a particular failing
Laid on `er back
If `ya tickled `er crack
She pissed all over the ceiling
There once was a girl from Madras
who has a most beautiful ass
not round and pink
as you probably think
but gray, has long ears, and eats grass.
I have a slightly different version:
There once was a couple named Kelly
Who now live belly to belly
You see, in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
Thomas Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow contrains a bunch of limericks about sex between men and V-2 rockets. From memory:
There once was a fellow named Hector
Who was fond of a launcher erector
But the squiishes and pops
Of acute pressure drops
Wrecked Hector's hydraulic connector.
There once was a fellow named Slattery
Who fell in love with a battery
With that 50 volt shock
What was left of his c*ck
Was all slimey, and slippery and spattery.
There once was a fellow named Yuri
F*cked the nozzle right up its venturi
He had woes without cease
From his local police
And a hell of a time with the jury.
You get the idea.