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9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 12/30/2005 5:35:16 PM EDT


Chuck Norris, it turns out, is an extraordinary human being:


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he
is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips,
but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his
foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and
killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific
Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until
he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says,
"Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?"
he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game,
but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused
him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch,"
Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good
looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after
the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the
devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who
appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should
have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a
prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a
crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the
animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more
that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He
then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK
NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding
his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed,
"Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard
that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to
stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all
three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head
exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung
like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus
the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying
day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift
favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck
omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck
Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years
and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them
from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance
Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck
Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people
anyway.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the
pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of
a high school football game. When the football went flat,
he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal
with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby
60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually
"Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot
in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger
who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and
could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome
for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order
are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die
from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to
the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the
oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes
it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight
to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris
himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were
very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a
canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

And lastly, When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one
Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and
went into his backyard.
He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it
whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was
fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick
to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

And we never will

Link Posted: 12/30/2005 5:37:05 PM EDT
Not this shit again, chuck norris is a damn joke, the sad parent is he doesnt know it.
Link Posted: 12/30/2005 6:04:39 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/30/2005 6:04:39 PM EDT by tc6969]
Not again!
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