New Study Shows All Y'All Can Suck It
September 5, 2004
AP News Media
BALTIMORE (AP) Researchers at the Johns Hopkins University Medical Center made one of the most important scientific discorveries in recent years Friday when they discovered that all y'all can suck it. Head researcher Dr. Steven R. Williams was confident from the beginning that his hypothesis regarding all y'all would eventually be proven correct. "As soon as I met y'all," said Dr. Williams from his home in suburban Baltimore, "I knew you could just go and suck it. I feel truly vindicated."
This news came as little surprise to University custodian Larry Simmons. "I been sayin that stuff for years, where's my award?" Simmons was heard saying to a fellow custodian near one of the school's loading docks. "Mr. high and mighty thinks just because he got some fancy degree he's better than me? What a moron," Simmons went on to rant. When asked why he had never come forward with his own findings, Simmons replied, "Get the fuck out of here before I kick your teeth in." "Suck it!" added Simmons.
The Nobel Prize Committee has also taken notice. "Unless others can come up with evidence refuting this assertion, there is little doubt in my mind that this will win the Nobel for science this year," a committee member said on the condition that he remain anonymous.
When told about his probable accolade, Dr. Williams remained humble. "While it is flattering to be recognized with such a large honor," he said, "our work here is far from done. Before the year is out we hope to prove that y'all be a bunch of punk bitches and y'all is wack." With such lofty goals, is such success even an attainable goal? Willaims expressed his confidence saying, "We have a great staff here and I truly believe that the sky is the limit."