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Posted: 4/16/2002 6:00:49 PM EDT
I have to get this off my chest. There's no one to talk to really. A few years ago I lost my adopted daughter to anorexia nervosa. She was 5 feet four inches tall and weighed 70 lbs. A few months ago, my oldest biological daughter, who is fourteen, began to "diet". At first I said nothing. She was drinking a slim fast for breakfast, one for lunch, and was eating a sensible dinner. She was about ten pounds overweight at that time. She lost those ten pounds and everything was fine. Then she began to wear baggy clothing. Feed the dog under the table. Measure everything she consumed. And tell us she wasn't hungry at dinnertime. Her health began to get bad. She is always cold, always sniffling, her hair was looking awful. So, having lived through it once and knowing the symptons, I asked her if she had an eating disorder outright. She swore to me she didn't. She said that she's just so into the net lately that she isn't hungry. So, today when she went to school I logged onto her computer to see what she's been doing. There were pro-anorexia websites. An online diary of hers that details how she starves. How she hides behind baggy clothing. How she carries a weight in her backpack for when she has to get on a scale. I went to school and got her and took her to the doctor. He said she's "dangerously" thin. She is clinically malnourished. And she still says that she is "fat". She said the kids at school call her "lard ass" and "chubs". And that she would rather die than be fat anymore. She weighs 93 lbs. And she's 5'5. Tonight, after pulling a few strings and calling in a few favors, I said goodbye to her and signed the papers for her to be institutionalized. And I feel like shit for it. She told me she hated me. That she would kill herself in the hospital. That I was a bad father. That she wished I would die on the way home. I just want her to be okay. *I* just want to be okay, but I can't deal with this. Why are my kids killing themselves just to be skinny? They were never fat to begin with and I've always taught them that it's what is INSIDE that counts. God, I cant' deal with this.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:06:35 PM EDT
If it is alright with you I'll keep your daughter in my prayers. I have a daughter and this really breaks my heart. Hang in their friend.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:08:17 PM EDT
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:09:02 PM EDT
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:09:51 PM EDT
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:10:13 PM EDT
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:10:15 PM EDT
You did the right thing. It's a mental illness and it needs to be dealt with by the professionals. The day will come when she gets better, that she will be glad you took the actions you did. You'll be in my prayer's.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:11:49 PM EDT
Dude, you did the right thing. It sounded like intervention was the only way to save your daughter. Hard decision but the right one. You can blame Hollyweird and the glamour scene for this. They put out the image that if you're not painfully thin than you're fat and ugly. Hope everything works out.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:12:15 PM EDT
Originally Posted By SanityFair: Tonight, after pulling a few strings and calling in a few favors, I said goodbye to her and signed the papers for her to be institutionalized. And I feel like shit for it.
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I think you did the right thing. She'll realize one day that you did the right thing. And the reason she'll be able to do this is because she will be [i]alive[/i]
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:12:19 PM EDT
Sanity- You did exactly what a father and any self-respecting man is supposed to do. There is no alternative. You need to take care of yourself, now that your daughter is being taken care of, and you can do that most effectively by continuing to talk. On the net is OK, because this site is loaded with some of the finest people to be found, but what you really need is some face-to-face time with a professional, clergy, relatives, or just good friends/loved ones. Do that, and do it tonight; real friends won't mind how late it is. You're in my prayers, as is your daughter; (I have an 11 year girl, and love being a Daddy)if you like, e-mail me, and we can talk some more. You did the right thing because you're a good father. Continue being a good father by looking after yourself, because people are counting on you. Best of luck, and God Bless. -Kurt --------------- This needs tacked!
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:13:08 PM EDT
You did the right thing by getting her help before it is too late. I too have a daughter and pray this never becomes an issue with her. Our prayers are with you.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:14:10 PM EDT
You are a damn good father, Sanity. i'm proud. Just remember, serial killers never look like serial killers, rapists never look like rapists, and women who have eating disorders NEVER believe they have one until it is too late. You did the right thing. I think my sister has an eating disorder and I am scared to death. :( They won't listen to what you say.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:14:50 PM EDT
You are doing the right thing! I think most young women have some "chub" at one point and unfortunately that is around the time that their personal self image if formed. GOD FORBID if someone says anything about a couple extra pounds, they immediately and PERMANENTLY start to believe that they are always fat. My girlfriend is 5'1 and 93 pounds and does not eat either, she also runs 6 miles a day on the streets then another 2 in the gym at night. Her dinner habits suck, but she does eat, just while noone is watching. Oh yeah, she's also an actress/model, which is what every girl strives to look like, so I guess I should have known what i was buying into! You did the right thing and one day when she's married and has kids, she'll realize it. If she's dead, she will never be able to love you for not stepping in and helping. She'll just be dead. Good luck.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:15:23 PM EDT
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:15:28 PM EDT
You did the right thing!!!! She will love you later for it....
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:15:53 PM EDT
You are doing the right thing, and someday she will thank you for saving her life. Hang in there, all our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:19:34 PM EDT
My first and only child so far is just 14 months old but, I often spend 'quiet time' reflecting on what he means to me and what the future will bring for him. As a parent, we want nothing more than everything for our children. If we could possibly attain it, we would give it to them. Along with that, we would do anything to protect our children. Now, I didn't really understand what that statement meant until 14 months ago. I really didn't understand what it meant to say that I would die for my son without hesitation, without regret. What you did was all you could do to save your child's life. She doesn't know this now but, in time, she will. Trust me on this one, I know about hating your parents. And I don't use that hate word lightly. It will take time and it will be tough but, she will understand what you've done for her someday. What you did is something that not just any parent could have done. What you did was love your child enough to risk losing her love to save her life. Don't ever doubt that what you did was right. You know better than anyone what was awaiting her at the end of the road she is on. I can only try and imagine what you are going through, I can't possibly know. But, what I do know is this: I hope that I will have as much strength as you if I ever face such a situation with my son. Rely on your faith. Rely on your family. Rely on your friends. Rely on us here. Never give up, never be afraid to ask for help and you will come through this.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:23:29 PM EDT
I am so saddened to hear of your daughter's situation, but I am so relieved to see what you have done for her. I have a daughter who, when she was about 18 years of age, lost weight until she was about 105 lbs, and she is 5'6". I was worried about her, too, and was also thinking about seeking medical treatment when she suddenly snapped out of it. She is now 30 years of age and in good health. But don't think it didn't add to the grey in my hair! I'll talk to my Father about it tonight. Eric The(YouKnow,TheBigGuy)Hun[>]:)]
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:28:33 PM EDT
I don't think you just did the right thing, I think you the ONLY thing that should have been done. I do think that thedave is right and it should involve the whole family to work on the problem. Good father. One day tour daughter will realize this. Keith
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:32:01 PM EDT
I don't think you just did the right thing, I think you the ONLY thing that should have been done. I do think that thedave is right and it should involve the whole family to work on the problem. Good father. One day your daughter will realize this. Keith
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:32:23 PM EDT
yes, you did the right thing. your daughter's health and safety should be (and obviously is) your number one concern. i can't add to what anybody else said about good actions to take, though. i just wanted to reiterate that you are NOT a bad person for what you did. [stepping up onto soapbox]now, i'd like to address the "image" question. hollywood is just a conduit for the masses. the reason they don't put "real" women in movies is because no one wants to watch real women in movies. face it, if i posted a pic of me and a pic of a model, which would would you guys go ga-ga over? (note: matt is the only one i EXPECT to answer me. [:D]) guys just notice the female FORM first. and since we want to be noticed, how else are we supposed to do that? it isn't just about being a "super model". everything around us tells us that we aren't even noticable unless we're skinny and sexy (and stupid). example: my mother-in-law-to-be told matt that i wasn't good enough because i wasn't skinny enough. he actually grew up believing that the exterior form was indicative of the person inside. like if i lost weight, i'd be a better person? she thinks i won't make a good wife because i'm not skinny enough. (now, i may not make a good wife, but it won't be because of my weight.) anyhow, what i'm trying to say is that we girls overhear your catcalls and whistles and comments. and it starts to add up. we notice that you never whistle to girls who look like us. that you never flirt with girls like us. that you never ask girls like us for our numbers. it gets depressing. i'm not excusing female stupidity any, just trying to show that it ain't just about hollywood vixens and fashion models. [stepping down off of soapbox now] anyhow, i don't care what y'all think of me. cuz i'm sure i can outshoot some of ya! [:D]
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:32:30 PM EDT
Originally Posted By SanityFair: Tonight, after pulling a few strings and calling in a few favors, I said goodbye to her and signed the papers for her to be institutionalized. And I feel like shit for it.
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Don't. You did the one and only correct thing.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:32:41 PM EDT
SanityFair -- I have been on the flip side of this coin, and while she most certainly will hate you for doing this to her, she will grow and learn to love you for it... It took me and my parents years, and we still discuss it. I love my parents as much as I love my wife, because without their caring, I probably would be dead!
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:34:17 PM EDT
Hate to say it, but you did the wrong thing. Trying to force her to change her ways is just going to create a confrontation. The problem will now probaly destroy your relationship with her and most likely make her bitter at you for the rest of her life. You should have removed her from the enviroment creating the problem. Withdrawn her from school, and began homeschool. This way you could have kept a family life and removed the single most important influence on her to do this. Trust me for fourteen year old, school is life. remove school, something she is forced into usually against her will, forced into a society where her looks mean everthing, and this is what happens. Mental problems like this cant be analyzed and diagnosed and removed with drugs. It just doesnt work that way. Sorry to be hard on you but thats the way it is.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:35:40 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 4/16/2002 6:42:15 PM EDT by toaster]
One hell of a daddy imho. You did the right thing.. She'll be in my thoughts and prayers. -T. These threads really break my heart.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:36:11 PM EDT
Since when is "dangerously thin" considered good looking? I don't bloody CARE if it's what Madison Avenue thinks is right - I think they are usually out of touch anyhow. Besides, how could someone like Kate Moss be considered a "supermodel" with the body of a 15 year old male marathon runner? I've got bigger pecs than she does - probably because I press 450... Seriously, peer pressure and the mistaken ideal are going to be responsible for more dysfunctional people and needless ill health and death than anything else I can think of offhand. I'm not saying that being hugely overweight s a good thing, but people NEED some meat on them to look healthy - being built like a toothpick is NOT healthy. Sanity, I hope all is well in future. At least you ahve done the right thing now - you can't reconcile with a corpse. I can only hope your daughter realises sooner rather than later why you found this course of action necessary. I don't remember anything like this being a problem when I was in school - but I think I'm a product of the last generation fully able to form its own ideas... FFZ
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:41:53 PM EDT
Sanityfair, you did the ONLY THING you could do. Your daughter's life is paramount. She will thank you later WHEN she is better. E-mail me if you want to, I will return mail/calls. Do Not Beat yourself UP!!, when it comes to family and your well being. Remember, she needs you NOW. It took great strength to do what you did.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:42:10 PM EDT
Sanity, I do not have anything new to add that has not been said. However, you did the right thing. Your daughter will come around and thank you for what you did for her. Take care and God Bless. medcop
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:42:34 PM EDT
you did the right thing,and dont blame yourself for this. good luck
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:45:26 PM EDT
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:45:52 PM EDT
Legonas, your advice is quite frankly a load of bullshit. Sanity did the only thing he could to help his daughter stay alive. Medications might or might not help her, but committing her to an institution is the only thing that will keep her alive to find out for sure. "Changing her ways" is what she needs most at this time. Taking her away from school is an important part of it also--the change of environment will probably also serve to keep her alive long enough for some Psychiatric treatment to help.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:52:37 PM EDT
Originally Posted By legonas: Hate to say it, but you did the wrong thing. Trying to force her to change her ways is just going to create a confrontation. The problem will now probaly destroy your relationship with her and most likely make her bitter at you for the rest of her life. You should have removed her from the enviroment creating the problem. Withdrawn her from school, and began homeschool. This way you could have kept a family life and removed the single most important influence on her to do this. Trust me for fourteen year old, school is life. remove school, something she is forced into usually against her will, forced into a society where her looks mean everthing, and this is what happens. Mental problems like this cant be analyzed and diagnosed and removed with drugs. It just doesnt work that way. Sorry to be hard on you but thats the way it is.
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I read all these posts. Most were on the mark. But this one is utter bullshit. How many children does this person have? I have 2 girls, 4 and 9. If it were me and mine, I'd deal with it in my own way. Without outside influence, ie: "professional help". Most of these "professionals" are WAY too liberal. They will just compound the problem. IMO.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:53:17 PM EDT
Originally Posted By legonas: Hate to say it, but you did the wrong thing. Trying to force her to change her ways is just going to create a confrontation. The problem will now probaly destroy your relationship with her and most likely make her bitter at you for the rest of her life. You should have removed her from the enviroment creating the problem. Withdrawn her from school, and began homeschool. This way you could have kept a family life and removed the single most important influence on her to do this. Trust me for fourteen year old, school is life. remove school, something she is forced into usually against her will, forced into a society where her looks mean everthing, and this is what happens. Mental problems like this cant be analyzed and diagnosed and removed with drugs. It just doesnt work that way. Sorry to be hard on you but thats the way it is.
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Are you nuts?? She needs professional care NOW! You think she resents him NOW??? Pull her out of school and "home school" ? She needs Pro care now, not some home brew.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:54:37 PM EDT
Just hang in there and talk to SOMEONE!! If she HATES you, at least she is still alive and can be cured. If she attempts suicide, she will prove that she has serious mental problems and be subjected to appropriate treatment. Anorexia is a mental disorder and very similar to attempts at self destruction. The sufferer has an untrue self image - to their eyes they look like Rosie! Heavy in-patient therapy is required. Failure to commit her for treatment is to give up and let her die; glad you have rejected that!! I was married to a mentally ill woman (anorexic among other problems) for some years and am not sure who was more damaged - me or her - by the experience. Deal with this just as you are and never let up. Your life as well as hers depends on it. Best of luck and God bless.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:55:21 PM EDT
Originally Posted By AFARR: Legonas, your advice is quite frankly a load of bullshit. Sanity did the only thing he could to help his daughter stay alive. Medications might or might not help her, but committing her to an institution is the only thing that will keep her alive to find out for sure. "Changing her ways" is what she needs most at this time. Taking her away from school is an important part of it also--the change of environment will probably also serve to keep her alive long enough for some Psychiatric treatment to help.
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I don't want to hijack this thread into a flame war but, I agree with AFARR on this one. An opposing opinion is not a wrong opinion. However, being an insensitive prick is being an insensitive prick...
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:57:21 PM EDT
sir, i have only words of encouragement for you. I wish you and your daughter the best, for i have seen friends through matters like these and even though i had to "be an asshole" and tell someone else (yeah, i'm the ripe old age of 17) to get them the help they needed, and even though they cursed me, i know i did the right thing because one of them, who i haven't seen in about 2 years, wrote me and thanked me a few weeks ago. God be with.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:58:54 PM EDT
Originally Posted By legonas: Hate to say it, but you did the wrong thing. Trying to force her to change her ways is just going to create a confrontation. The problem will now probaly destroy your relationship with her and most likely make her bitter at you for the rest of her life. You should have removed her from the enviroment creating the problem. Withdrawn her from school, and began homeschool. This way you could have kept a family life and removed the single most important influence on her to do this. Trust me for fourteen year old, school is life. remove school, something she is forced into usually against her will, forced into a society where her looks mean everthing, and this is what happens. Mental problems like this cant be analyzed and diagnosed and removed with drugs. It just doesnt work that way. Sorry to be hard on you but thats the way it is.
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This answer is so full of shit I can't even begin to tell you how much. It's the right move, SanityFair... be strong and deal with this as a family. We're all (mostly, it seems) hoping for the best.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 6:59:02 PM EDT
Originally Posted By albob:
Originally Posted By legonas: Hate to say it, but you did the wrong thing. Trying to force her to change her ways is just going to create a confrontation. The problem will now probaly destroy your relationship with her and most likely make her bitter at you for the rest of her life. You should have removed her from the enviroment creating the problem. Withdrawn her from school, and began homeschool. This way you could have kept a family life and removed the single most important influence on her to do this. Trust me for fourteen year old, school is life. remove school, something she is forced into usually against her will, forced into a society where her looks mean everthing, and this is what happens. Mental problems like this cant be analyzed and diagnosed and removed with drugs. It just doesnt work that way. Sorry to be hard on you but thats the way it is.
View Quote
I read all these posts. Most were on the mark. But this one is utter bullshit. How many children does this person have? I have 2 girls, 4 and 9. If it were me and mine, I'd deal with it in my own way. Without outside influence, ie: "professional help". Most of these "professionals" are WAY too liberal. They will just compound the problem. IMO.
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And I will pray for you and yours.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 7:02:23 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 4/16/2002 7:04:38 PM EDT by imposter]
My wife treats girls and women with this problem. You have acted correctly. Girls with this problem are a huge suicide risk. It may take years, but she can overcome it. Get a good therapist who specialized in this field. Listen. Some parents do too much and some do too little.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 7:06:26 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 4/16/2002 7:07:28 PM EDT by Hannah_Reitsch]
Legonas, I am sure your intentions were good, but your advice was in error. I too am against putting kids "into the system", but anorexia is an illness, not just a product of liberal schools. If your child had a broken leg, would you try to fix it with homeschooling? No, of course not. Anorexics can be extremely sneaky about starving themselves to death. A hospital inpatient ward that deals with these kids knows what they are capable of. A home schooling Mom may have no idea the lengths her daughter will go to. Sanity Fair has already BEEN through this once, and knew exactly what to do. He did right, he may have saved his daughter's life.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 7:18:51 PM EDT
I am not only convinced you did the right thing – I believe that you did the ONLY thing that would save your daughter. I know little about this ailment, but, I know it is a very real threat if not recognized and treated appropriately. And that is EXACTLY what you have done. I wish you both the very best. – St-Cyr
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 7:18:59 PM EDT
First, MTV, primetime shows, and most young women's magazines promote anorexia and/or bulemia as "the norm." If they do not expressly state this, they definitely imply it by glorifying 90 pound women as "sexy," ad "popular." It ain't just your daughter- it's 25 years worth of young ladies, and there isn't an end in sight to this fad. Secondly, by making a hard choice for HER now, you have effectively made her hate you in the short term. SO WHAT? 10 years from now, when she is a happy, healthy adult, and you are perhaps a grandpa, everyone will admire your strength and decisiveness during this time of difficulty. Of course she hates you now- didn't everyone hate their parents at 14? (I still hate my mother-in-law). I see so many women in law school who are 24 and 25 years old, who never sought professional help for their eating disorders-it ain't a pretty site. She is young enough to treat- be glad you caught it early, before serious bodily damage occured. You know that you are doing the right thing for your daughter's future- stand tall, and know that you are doing the right thing for HER, whether she hates you for it or not. I admire you for making the hard, but correct choice.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 7:33:16 PM EDT
You did the right thing. You had a tough situation and made the right choice. Don't beat yourself up. You will need to be strong for your daughter so reach out to your family and friends for support. She is alive, and that is all that really matters. My thought are with you and your daughter. ARH
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 7:35:26 PM EDT
My wife is a nutritionist and registered dietitian, and I consulted her before I posted here. [b]You did exactly the right thing![/b] It doesn't matter right now if she is upset at you; that can be fixed later [b]as long as she's alive.[/b] Don't let monday morning quarterbacks with no skin in the game second guess you. A wise man once told me that the right thing to do is usually the hardest choice of the bunch. In this case, I think you chose wisely, sir. Get some counseling for the rest of your family, and take care of yourself. Your daughter needs you well.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 7:36:51 PM EDT
Just a point of informtion about eating disorders, it's not about the outside image, it's mostly about the inside image. Otherwise, why would these messages of thinness and beauty-as-worth even matter? Something to think about...
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 7:44:32 PM EDT
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 8:21:51 PM EDT
I just need to ask: What is a "pro-anorexia" site and who would run such a thing and why? Something I'm not sure anyone else has emphasized is that in addition to full-time attention and counseling on the medical/nutritional front, she needs spiritual counseling to show her the right choices for her mind and soul and to lead her from the wrong ones.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 9:52:17 PM EDT
SanityFair - Trust me when I tell you, you did the right thing. Like AntiUSSA, I've seen both sides of this coin. A lot of the guys here don't fully understand the motives behind the behavior, but they are all correct in that you did the right thing by having her admitted. I've been there. If you need someone to talk to about it, shoot me an email and I'll give you my phone number.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 10:05:26 PM EDT
My heart bleeds for you. I shall pray for her. My little girl is 8. I worry about the same thing daily. I am so sorry.
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 10:07:07 PM EDT
I can't add anymore than has already been said. Our prayers are with you and your daughters. Eric
Link Posted: 4/16/2002 10:17:23 PM EDT
Sf, Whether she hates you in the long run is up to her. The critical point here is, with the proper help she will live. As you have pointed out that is what you wanted. It is obvious that her life is important to you. What she said may never change, she will be alive. Today you saved a life. You and your family are in my prayers. Sean
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