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Posted: 6/9/2003 11:30:01 PM EDT
Nothing in my life has worked out. I have lost all hope for the future. I am constantly depressed, morning, noon, and night. My marriage has fallen apart. The only future I see for myself is one of lonliness and misery. I'm very, very tired. Three weeks ago I impulsively swallowed about 50 or 60 pills (yeah, it's pathetic, like everything else in my life). It was the first time I'd ever done anything like that because of my depression. I've begun to wonder whether I'll be alive by the end of the year. I have nobody who I feel comfortable talking to about anything, I have only one friend who will be leaving in two months. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of sitting here each and every night so depressed I can barely move. I'm just so tired. No, this isn't a joke. And I don't know why I'm posting this. One thing I've learned is that most people are too busy and wrapped up in their own lives to care about the problems of others. Anyway, thanks for listening.
Link Posted: 6/9/2003 11:32:42 PM EDT
You need to get to somebody NOW! Need to talk? Call me, call somebody! Trust me dude, life sux but there's no problem worth dying over! All your troubles can be fixed Get back to me IM me SOmething!
Link Posted: 6/9/2003 11:36:16 PM EDT
Hey, you got all of us here. But right now you need to get yourself some help, and it is out there. Do you have health insurance? If you do, get to a doctor tomorrow. If not, get to a doctor tomorrow. There are plenty of people and ways to help out there. Depression is a disease that can be treated. I could tell you that life is not all bad blah blah blah but you can't hear it through the depression. Get yourself some help tomorrow. And until then you have us. And we like nothing more than getting involved in the lives of others. [;)] Seriously there is help and people who care out there. But you might need to make the first step.
Link Posted: 6/9/2003 11:36:45 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/9/2003 11:38:10 PM EDT by Zardoz]
One thing I've learned is that most people are too busy and wrapped up in their own lives to care about the problems of others.
View Quote
This place ain't like most; there are a [b]LOT[/b] of damn fine people who frequent this board. There are several instances where members of this board have gone WAY out of their way to help out a fellow mwmber, even if it's only to listen to 'em bitch. See? One of 'em has already offered ahead of me, and I started to respond as soon as I read your post. Ok, two of them. See how quick these guys are to help out a guy who needs it?
Link Posted: 6/9/2003 11:38:53 PM EDT
Dude, I know what its like to be depressed. Dont hurt yourself, get help. Maybe medication will help you, just don't do anything to hurt yourself. IM me if you want to talk to someone.
Link Posted: 6/9/2003 11:45:20 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/9/2003 11:45:52 PM EDT by TheKill]
Take the good advice you are given....get some help! Call your family doctor if you have one. He can make an evaluation of your mental state and help you, be it an anti-depressant to combat a physical problem, or a referral to a good counselor. If you don't have any of those options, search the net or look in your phone book for 24 hour emergency hotline. Counseling can help immensely sometimes. But you need to be evaluated by a pro. In the meantime, many of us have gone through the same feelings, almost everyone does at some point in thier life. It's how you handle it and get through it that counts. Do it right, get through it, LIFE REALLY DOES GET BETTER if you take the right steps, and you can do it!
Link Posted: 6/9/2003 11:50:33 PM EDT
To answer your question (post title) yes there is a reset button. I hit it back in 1995....I was on a club tour with a band, I quit playing and came home, ditched my girlfriend and all my friends, and went to work on the railroad 12 hours a day 6 days a week, and just camped out in my apartment and saved my money for a year. I just hit it again when my wife left....house is being sold, I quit my band, starting all over again with nothing but a truckful of stuff, a computer, a car, truck, and bike, and my trusty job. Hopefully, I get it right this time! I will be praying for you!
Link Posted: 6/9/2003 11:56:28 PM EDT
Flashlight... GET HELP NOW!!! I know all seems gloomy but it will get better... I know it sounds cliche but IT WILL. this is the "Higher Power" cleaning house for you because your life is not right now. IVE BEEN THERE!! I thought my world is over. What is the use... this was 10 years ago. You need to talk to a professional. some problems we just cant handle by ourselves. What is cool about talking to someone, you open up doors and strengths you never knew you had. DO IT!
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 12:18:27 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/10/2003 12:19:25 AM EDT by cynic]
As has already been said, many of us have been in your EXACT same position and know EXACTLY how you feel. We also now know that reaching out, as you have just done, was the first step towards a vastly improved life. You've done good so far, Flashlight, now follow through. Seek professional help ASAP --- it's out there, readily available, free or on a sliding scale if needed. Meanwhile, keep the lines of communication open. We're here for 'ya. cynic
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 12:24:18 AM EDT
IM sent Flashlight. I'm with ya..
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 12:33:10 AM EDT
i was reminded this weekend HOW FRIGGIN LUCKY WE ALL ARE, when i saw a beautiful young girl who is spending her entire life in a wheelchair. dude, take a vaction, or at least go some place that you like to have fun at and forget your problems, at least for a day. your best friend is leaving in 2 months, well make those months as full filled as possible, just cuz hes leaving doesnt mean there wont be visitations or phone calls. i havent talked to my best friend in 6 friggin years, and have no way to contact him. no friends, then talk to family, talk to God (if you believe). tomorrow is another day, get a good nights sleep, treat yourself good, clear your mind, and then start over and move on. what your going through is nothing new, prolly millions of people have gone through the same thing and gotten through, your not alone. if you knew all the times that i realized my life sucked and couldnt see a future, got depressed, wanted to start over, it would make you sick. im still here, still trying, still failing but STILL TRYING.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 12:33:16 AM EDT
I've been there. I was there two weeks ago. I got divorced 3 years ago. I lost my job and was blackballed from getting a job. I've been a leech on my family, actually I wasn't but that's how you feel when you're depressed. Just when I was about to check out for good, I got a job. I know depression. If I can help please let me know. Now, PLEASE GET SOME HELP! TS
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 3:23:41 AM EDT
Yes, The_Flashlight, there [u]is[/u] a reset button. "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away, behold, all things are become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17 Youe life is far from over. You can change it and start over. Talk with someone that can give you good advice. Don't give up. I look back to very bad times in my life and am thankful that I just "carried on" until they got better. IM me if you want to talk. I'll be glad to talk with you. Don
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 4:44:44 AM EDT
Been there, done that, it can get better. However, it is up to you to do that. No one else can do it for you. Other people or faith or whatever can sometimes help you through and put you on a better path, but it ultimately comes down to you making the choice to live and make things better. Find someone to talk to, I found a decent shrink who I actually became friends with and kept in touch with after she retired.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 4:52:36 AM EDT
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 4:56:27 AM EDT
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 5:14:04 AM EDT
Please don't do anything rash. I have been in a similar situation....Please Call if you need to talk or anything...Man, day or night. IM me and I will give my work and home #'s We do Care.... Mike
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 5:23:01 AM EDT
IM sent
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 5:34:22 AM EDT
brother, i have punched that reset button twice. both times over women. both times, i came up smelling like a rose. you will, too! the first time, all i ended up with were the clothes on my back. now, when we hit those low points, we have choices to make. my choice, both times, was to fight back tooth and nail. if you are too depressed and tired of the fight...get to a doctor and do it now. you need your strength and all the determination you can muster, because life WILL get better. and only YOU can fight your way thru to that better life. my email is always open to you, flashlight. use it if you feel like talking.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 5:35:24 AM EDT
Make a plan. Discipline is your friend.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 5:38:30 AM EDT
Life sucks. I am disabled, will be in some degree of intense pain the rest of my life, unemployed and unemployable. Now go find out if this is a chemical problem (if you have been on painkillers or other drugs, it seriouly screws up your brain chemistry) and take steps to make things better. I too have VERY few friends, and most of the good peopel I know are on this board. Bring a tent, and come join us at Bulletfest Friday afternoon. You will forget all about doing yourself, and will most likely be ready to do a few of us before it's over. NOW GET OFF YOUR WIDE ASS AND TAKE CARE OF THE PROBLEM!! I'ts possible, I am living proof... Ops
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 5:38:45 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/10/2003 5:39:14 AM EDT by dave223]
Flashlight, [b]I care!![/b] Email me if you need to talk to someone. dave223@houston.rr.com
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 5:42:49 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/10/2003 5:46:47 AM EDT by 19119640]
Dude! I've been there. Those thoughts have crossed my mind enough times that it sends a shiver down my spine just thinking about it. I had an incedent 2 years ago that at the time cost me...my job, my friends, my girlfriend, my truck, my ability to drive for sometime, as well as my life ambitions. When it happend I went from top of my game, to alone in a 3 bed room home with nobody to talk to. Finally an old friend stopped by to see me one day...worried about me. Started working through it and in a matter of months I had regained all that I had lost....cept that heartless bitch, but who needs her. Things do get better. If you had told me right after all this happend where I would be today, I would have laughed my ass of and than thanked you for the good laugh as I needed one. Hang in there dude. Get some help. We are all here for you and are willing to go the mile if need be. IM me if you want and I will send you my # if you want to talk. OR hell, send me your # and I will call on my dime. Maybe some of the members in your area could all get together and get you out of the house. Staring at them walls does not help. You would be surprised how a good afternoon of pissing off ammo will change your outlook. Give it a try.... and again get help. Call if you need. We are here for you pal. Scott P.S. If you have not already, cry out to god...he's listening, all you have to do is open the door for him.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 5:52:41 AM EDT
overbearing panic attack entrenching my veins in an hour i'll be ok i pray this pain will go away permanently someday I'VE seen more than... I should have to... I'VE seen this on my own this song is a, poem to myself, it helps me to live... in case of fire, BREAK the glass, and move on into your own... reoccurring drowning effect entrenching my brain, i hope you'll be ok someday, so i can say that you moved on in the right way... WE'VE seen this and WE'VE breathed this and WE'VE lived this on our own... this song is a, poem to myself, it helps me to live... in case of fire, BREAK the glass, and move on into your own... your own... BREAK... this song is a, poem to myself, it helps me to live... in case of fire, BREAK the glass, and move on into your own... Dude...lots of us have been there and are here...dont give up...I just started taking meds yesterday after I got out of the ER...I have had PTSD and health issues for years....my life was shit...I finally gave in to some meds..I lost it yesterday and had to give in...I feel calm now with some hopes for the future...take the next step to freedom....life is good regardless of the surroundings....
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 6:14:07 AM EDT
recon, nice poem, I knew it was PTSD after reading the first sentence........... Don't know how long you've been a victim, but PTSD can be lived with, once we understand potential triggers. Good luck... And flash??? Get some help, and it'll get better....
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 6:22:30 AM EDT
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 6:30:49 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Old_Painless: Yes, The_Flashlight, there [u]is[/u] a reset button. "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away, behold, all things are become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17 Youe life is far from over. You can change it and start over. Talk with someone that can give you good advice. Don't give up. I look back to very bad times in my life and am thankful that I just "carried on" until they got better. IM me if you want to talk. I'll be glad to talk with you. Don
View Quote
Good advice, you just have to believe it and act on it, no matter what the circumstances say. Sooner than later the circumstances will turn. Believe.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 6:34:04 AM EDT
The_Flashlight, I've been close to where you are. There have been times when I've been close to pulling the plug, and there are 3 things that have kept me going: 1) I have come to [b]enjoy[/b] life. It hurts like hell sometimes, and there will be stretches when it hurts [i]most[/i] of the time, but you have to learn to love being alive. Find beautiful things (women, babies, trees, sunsets) and [b]enjoy[/b] them. Look for simple things that make you smile and focus on them when life pushes too hard. 2) It would kill my parents if they outlived me. I don't know if your folks are still alive, but it is a horrible act of selfishness to take someone's child away. And you would be surprised at the amount of pain you would cause other people if you died. People you think might not care, you think aren't your friends, would be torn apart by it. You have to be a man and push on. 3) These worked for me for a while, but there came a time in my life when I thought my troubles were stronger than even these arguments. I had two choices, destroy myself or call out to God. I had never believed in God because I never saw a need for him to explain the world as I saw it. At this moment, I saw the need for him. He had given me life, and it was my responsibility to care for that life. I surrendered my mind to him, and the release was wonderful. I still have hard times, but I now have a solid foundation to keep me stable. So do the following ASAP: 1) Find a Doctor 2) Talk to God. A church is good in the long run to support your believing, but for the moment, please talk to Him on your own, right now. He's always listening!
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 6:51:19 AM EDT
I'm not really good at giving life changing advice or anything but I'll try to speak from my own experiences. We all get depressed and bummed out because of women, work, etc. Think about the family and friends you do have(and you do have them even if you think you don't). It would break their hearts if you were to hurt yourself. Regardless of how bad you think your problems are there are always people with problems alot worse than yours.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 7:45:05 AM EDT
Flash, the common theme here is that we all have been through tough times at some point in our lives. Mine came when I was in England and my ex told me she wanted a divorce. Luckily I had the support of a lot of friends and co-workers there to talk to, many of whom had been through the same thing I was going through at one time or another. The divorce was tough, but in retrospect, I shudder and laugh now thinking that I almost ended it once over a woman. Depression and stress play funny tricks with your head. 1. Go see a doctor and make sure your depression isn't chemically induced. 2. Be around people as much as you can. It's a great way to stay busy and make new friends. 3. Look for and find another job. I've found that working, besides being necessary financially, gives me a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning, and is also another place to make friends and contacts. 4. Find a divorce or depression support group or both. They can be wonderfull in showing you that you aren't the only one who wants to hit the reset button too. 5. And finally, remember that everything happens for a reason and that when one door closes another one opens. Good luck!
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 7:55:31 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/10/2003 7:56:58 AM EDT by vmax84]
Man, you need to go see your family doctor and get him involved with your life. My marriage went down the toilet, I was 20 pounds too heavy, no energy......I felt a lot like you. You can pull yourself out of this, but it will be easier with a little help. My Doc said my testosterone level was extremely low, so he put me on a prescription to get that in line. My wife filed for divorce on me last September. Thought it was the end of my life. All I think of was how could she do this to me, decent looking guy, high morals, polite person, pilot, college grad, blah blah blah. Even though it's still kinda painful, I've now realized the glass is always half full, never half empty. I'm 180 pounds now on a 5'10" frame, still run and lift weights religiously, am closer to my daughters than I ever could have dreamed.......believe me my friend, things will get better but YOU are the one who has to come to the decision to dig yourself out of the gutter. If I could do, so can you. Keep us posted or email me at vmaxrules@hotmail.com or call me at 231-779-9053.....I'm no shrink, but an average guy who needed a 2x4 up side the head to get living again. Steve vmax84
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 8:51:11 AM EDT
Thank you for all the nice responses. Obviously, I'm still alive. I'll try to respond to as many as I can.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 9:24:49 AM EDT
please take care of yourself... we all care about you even though we dont know you from Adam... that should i the very least tell you ONE positive thing about this world!!! may God bless you and lead you to recovery.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 10:17:39 AM EDT
Hey man, We've all been there in some form or fashion, I know I have. Trust me, It's not worth dying for. If you need to talk email me.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 1:08:00 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 1:54:38 PM EDT
Are you a Church going man? If so seek out your Pastor.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 2:30:52 PM EDT
Do NOT do anything stupid! I almost did several things that you have already considered, and it isn't worth it!!! You want depression? My Dad, which is a survivor of WW2 tried suicide after my Mom passed away, and thank goodness I got to him when I did! A CLOSE one! Just this past May, My half brother tried to kill himself with a 357 magnum! Believe it or not, he is still alive today and home! I have seriously thought about it myself several times and I realized that there are a LOT of people out there that care enough to tell & show me how much that they care! I have seen this several times myself, so I DO understand all too well! PLEASE!!! Do us all a favor....either e-mail someone or IM them and TALK to us! We will be here anytime you want us. We DO care about you. No matter what you may think! Please open up to us, do not feel embarassed or ashamed of anything you have said or done. We all make mistakes....That my brother, is called life, and we ALL make bunches of mistakes. IM me and I will talk to you! I am not afraid to go the extra mile. I am on vacation the rest of this week, and I have more time on my hands for someone in need when wanted or needed!IM me!!!! Mark
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 3:18:47 PM EDT
There are so many responses I don't know where to start answering people. I called a local psychological clinic today and set up an appointment for Thursday. I've been in therapy before, it's never led to any kind of solution, but what the hell? I'll give it another try. At the very least it will give me a chance to get things off my chest, as long as I have the $$$ to pay them. To the person who said I need to find a way to enjoy life - I long ago lost whatever enjoyment I felt for life. None of my former hobbies/interests are enjoyable to me anymore. I used to collect comic books, yet gave that up years ago because of lack of money and growing disinterest in them. I used to play a lot of tennis, but I've been unable to find anyone to play with consistently for years. My most consistent partner abruptly stopped calling or returning my phone calls several years ago. I never heard from him again. I got involved with firearms as a result of meeting a friend at law school who is a shooter. As a result, I now own a Beretta 92FS and a Bushmaster AR. But, my interest in firearms isn't as strong as his, I don't have the same kind of passion for it as he does. My interest and involvement in it is tied to my friendship with him. And he'll be leaving soon and getting married shortly thereafter. I'd like to think I will stay in touch with him, but a large part of me doesn't believe that will happen. There have been a variety of problems between us over the past 3 years, and I really don't know if any of them have ever truly been resolved. His girlfriend dislikes me for a variety of reasons, and would rather I not be in the picture. He has friends who come from out of town to visit him, and I ask myself whether the situation will ever be such that he could come and visit me over a weekend, or have me visit him whereever he and the girlfriend end up getting a house. The most realistic answer I can come up with is "no". It all seems very pointless, yet I have nothing else to turn to. It'll end up like my ex-friend from undergrad. I heard from him every once in a blue moon, got the occasional phone call or email. But it soon disintegrated. He stopped calling and writing years ago. I sent him a christmas letter, yet never got a response. I have no other friends. I don't know anyone from high school, or undergrad, or my master's program. I've made only one friend the past 4 years, and that's going to collapse. I feel completely isolated. I've been prescribed anti-depressant medicine before, yet I've never taken it consistently. It always produces bad side effects, from nausea to sexual dysfunction. Taking it is basically like chemical castration for me. And part of me doesn't even know whether medicine would do any good anyway. My life does need to change, I recognize that. But there are powerful reasons why it doesn't. In some ways I've achieved success - I just graduated from law school, which was my 4th college degree. I'm more educated than everyone else in my family combined. Yet my personal life is in shambles. I'm 33, and my entire life has passed by without there being anything fulfilling or satisfying in my personal life. And I've lost all hope that anything will ever happen to change that. My marriage is emotionally dead. There is no intimacy between us of any kind. Even my wife has commented in the recent past that we're just roommates now and nothing more. I don't even remember the last time we had sex, it was sometime in 2001, and it had been more than a year prior to that. I'm not sexually attracted to her. I'm not in love with her. There's more of course. But that's all I have the strength to write now. I'd like to say thank you for all the words of encouragement and all the offers to talk, and the phone numbers and email addresses. I'm genuinely surprised at the response I've gotten. Thank you all very much.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 4:06:33 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/10/2003 4:23:16 PM EDT by Duffy]
Flash, since you asked for a reset, you know a fresh start can be a good thing, I'd be excited to shed the old self, old relationships and friendship and the memories that go with it. Got no friends? Sounds to me you're better off without these friends of yours. I say it's better to be alone than having worthless "friends". It'll take some time to get used to, you just might enjoy being alone and having just a few true friends that are not the fair weather variety. Wife left? Maybe it's better that it ended now than later, before more damage was done. Hope you realize that many smart people have a hard time dealing with the daily morons. Seeing you're an over achiever, that might well be the case. Also stop focusing on the negative. Humans have a (thankfully) selective memory, don't dig out the bad. Set yourself a goal you can achieve on your own. I've decided a long time ago that people are prone to lie, deceit and manipulate others for their gains, the sooner you realize most people around you don't measure up, the sooner you'll stop being disappointed by them. Relying on other people for your happiness is a sure way to be miserable, you have to be confident and happy inside first, then things like friends leaving you won't pack a wallop, you know you can make new friends, hell with the old ones.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 4:16:32 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/10/2003 4:21:08 PM EDT by DoubleFeed]
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 4:17:03 PM EDT
... Hey [b]The_Flashlight[/b], there are a lot of good folks on this board. If you have the wherewithal to meet up with some in your area; do it. ... It's so much better when you can discuss things like these in person with a confidant. ... I know things may seem really hopeless at times, but I assure you, better times lie ahead. Take a deep breath, relax an get some rest. You will get through this, you'll be a better man and hopefully it will be your turn to help someone out that needs your guidance in matters like the one your going through.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 4:22:12 PM EDT
Don't give up on the therapy, just the therapist if he/she isn't working for you. I've hit a low point recently and have been going to therapy for my marriage for reasons very similar to your own. I see a therapist individually and we go see one as a couple. My individual therapist, free from Kaiser, is OK but not any real help. He just acts as a sounding board. Our couples therapist though is really good. She is very insightful and really cuts to the heart of the problem, no touchy feely stuff at all. As for activity, join a tennis class at your local community college. I did that and met a bunch of people to play with. Since I was pretty good the teacher kept giving me incompletes so I could sign up for the next term. Plus all the nineteen year old girls to look at didn't hurt either. As for guns, try to get into some kind of competition such as IDPA or IPSC. Competition really tends to increase motivation to participate in an activity. Plus you meet a bunch of new people. As for hitting the reset button, you sound like you have a pretty good foundation to start with. You are young, educated, and could go anywhere you want. Up and move to some area that you have been interested in. I would love to just up and move to Arizona. Mmmm, firearm freedom again. Or find a job overseas. Friends are out there for the picking, wherever you end up. I'm glad you are getting help, please keep us updated. And remember, if the therapist is not helping ask for a new one. And if they give you meds, there are plenty of options now so let them know that certain ones were giving you side effects so you can try something different. Sorry, can't give advice on the marriage thing as I am in a similar situation to you now. Way sucks. Good luck and God bless.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 5:12:51 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/10/2003 5:14:15 PM EDT by Yankee1911]
The_Flashlight, like I said in the IM I sent you, it seems like you found a new crop of friends here. Yeah, it's just another internet site, but the Brotherhood here is something more. You're a part of this family now. All you have to do is reach out. Get in contact with some of the folks on your Hometown board and meet up for lunch or a day at the range...whatever. I'm glad you're seeking out some counseling. If money is an issue, check with your city or county and see if they have a "mental health center" or something similar. Most major cities have them, and money wouldn't hinder you in getting the help you want. Good luck friend, and as I told you, if you need to talk or just vent to somebody, IM me.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 5:44:33 PM EDT
I came home from work Jan. 31, 2002 to find my wife dead in our bedroom. She shot herself in the head. It was a sight that I will never forget. She was only 21 yrs. old. She suffered from postpartum depression, although somewhat different from the type of depression that you are suffering from, the core of the similarities are there. She felt the hoplessness and had the feeling of constant desperation to figure out what was wrong with her. She was on medication but one day she just quit taking it.....2 days later she died. She WOULD NOT make the honest effort to get the help she really needed. Believe me I tried my very best to help her every way that I could, but in the end, YOU and ONLY YOU, have got to make that move and take care of yourself. My wife left so many people behind that loved her more than she will ever know....including our daughter, who just turned 1 yrs old a week before my wife died. I know you dont realize it, but there are so many people that love you and want to see you succeed. I can promise you this; there are people in your family and people on this forum that are thinking of you right now, and praying that you will pull through this mess. Your not alone. My mom attempted suicide 1 yr before my wife committed suicide. I had to see the results of someone overdose on pills.....it aint a pretty sight at all. I checked her into a psychiatric hospital, and to this day she is doing good; she has her ups and downs, but she is still alive. I've been through quit alot of disasters in my life and I have looked down the barrel of a pistol a few times myself.....but, it is not worth it. 3 months after my wifed died, I got de-moted at my job, and took a drastic pay-cut, I was no longer a supervisor.....I didnt realize it, but it was actually a blessing. I took it as a new beginning. I was going through alot of shit at the time, and couldnt keep my head straight to be a supervisor........1 yr later after getting my head right, and busting my ass, I got promoted to a supervisor again, and making more money than before. I have learned that the basics in life is all you need. Just like me, you are put here for a PURPOSE. God has a plan for you, and I know you dont know it, but HE is holding you tightly right now, and will continue to do so. I used to think that the best thing I could do for my little girl, was to end my life, so she doesnt have to have a father such a messed up life.......but I look into her eyes and I now realize that I am her everything, and she needs me. As far as your marriage goes....my opinion is that the 2 of you need to get into some marriage counseling. You may not feel like you love your wife simply because right now, you don't love yourself,so how could you possibly love someone else? you fill your thoughts up with whats all wrong in your life, so these feelings and acts (or lack of in your love life) may be linked to your fight with depression......because you are NOT yourself right now. Seek help for yourself, and do it at 100% effort, and get help with your marriage, and if you still feel like you dont love her, then take the necessary steps. I could be wrong, but it seems like your wife still loves you, or she would not still be with you right now.....its just a thought. Get the help that you need and just realize that people love you, and REALLY sit down and take a look at what you would miss out on............if my wife would have done that, I believe in my heart that she would still be here today. Good luck, and know that my daughter and I will pray for you tonight.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 7:27:53 PM EDT
I could tell you it will all work out, but you wouldn't believe me, and I wouldn't believe me either. One could assume that due to the number of degrees you have that you are fairly intelligent person. Problem is intelligence really is a curse, cuts down the number of people you can relate to and have something in common with, to a very small number. Combine that with being somewhat introverted and finding new friends looks pretty hopeless. In your situation, I take it that there have been a number of times when things look like they will change for the better, only to find out weeks or months down the road that things have only gotten worse. This has probably happened again and again. You probably feel that your have no redeeming qualities as a human and that you probably don't deserve friends since you are so lame and boring. I am going out on a limb with this line of reasoning, maybe this doesn't fit you at all, but I am only trying to cut through the corny sentiments and empty clichés that you are probably getting from a lot of people. Like you said, you are tired, tired of trying and failing, tired of trying to reason out your predicament, tired of being depressed, tired of hoping for a better future only to see things get worse, tired of having nothing to do, just plain tired. In this situation you do not have the motivation to try to start over, to try to make things better, its hopeless, period, why try, why bother. Well I am not going to tell you things will get better, because who knows maybe they won’t, maybe they will only get worse. That said, here are the reasons you shouldn’t kill yourself: 1. Most likely there are some people that do care if you die, it will bother them. You probably feel your continual miserable existence causes you more pain to stay alive, then the pain they would feel if you were gone. Thinking this, you probably feeling like you are being narcissistic, giving you one more reason you feel low about yourself. That really is the beauty of depression, you can’t win, everything you think and do only makes you hate yourself more. Anyway, look at the situation this way, by not killing yourself, you are taking the high road and doing something altruistic of sorts, if you want. Its at least one reason not to hate yourself. 2. There are millions of other people dealing with an existence just as pathetic, if not worse, than yours. There is no reason to kill yourself over it. It can always be worse, you could be like that 4 year old kid in Iraq that had the lower half of his face blown off, and will live with it for the rest of his life. Might as well take stock and realize that you are fortunate in some ways, in relation to others. 3. If you kill yourself, things will definitely never get better, however, if you stick around, there is at least a small, miniscule chance life will be worth living again. Even if things don’t get better, there will always be small moments when life is enjoyable. Like when you are eating chips and salsa, I find you can’t be depressed when eating chips and salsa, well at least not me, YMMV. 4. You will miss out on Terminator 3 and bunch of other kickass movies that will be coming out this year. I mean, a girl terminator ?!?, what will they think of next!!! 5. Through this experience, you are learning or will learn what really matters in life. If things do get better, you will be able to enjoy your blessings so much more and not take them for granted. 6. There are probably other reasons too, but if you actually try to think of reasons to live (not reasons to die), you could probably come up with some more yourself. So, o.k., maybe the above reasoning doesn’t help, if so, well there is always drugs, heh. Its cool your doing therapy, something might come of it, maybe not, but its not like your money is doing you any good in the bank and it won’t do you any good if you’re in a grave. If you have never tried church, ask around and find a good one that teaches from the bible, not some lame mainline denominational church like Methodists or Presbyterians. You may want to stay away from those more charismatic churches too, they can be kind of depressing. Nothing worse than being in a room full of overly happy people. If you have fallen away, maybe it was due to never really being exposed to true Christianity, or maybe you were and feel God just turned his back on you or is punishing you because you are a pathetic excuse for a Christian. You may want to try a Christian counselor if that is the case, they could probably be of more help. You could try other religions or belief systems, but they will probably suck. Well here is to life, miserable and full of disappointment, at least there is chips and salsa.
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 8:12:52 PM EDT
Flashlight, If you are for real, you can see that this board has some of the best, most compassionate brothers in arms on the planet. I don't have a lon sad story as many of the others (who are genuinely concerned for your well being), but I can say I've been there to a degree. Life is hard and sometimes the more intelligent you are, the less happy you are. I'm not going to preach to you, but let me just say that I know someone in who is in the business of changing lives. [b]Jesus Christ. [/b] For nothing is impossible with God. Therapy [b]does[/b] help. There is allot of practical knowledge out there that has been developed by doctors in various fields. Still, if you want to completely "reset" your life. Jesus is the man. Best regards, you will be in my thoughts and prayers, --LS
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 9:29:38 PM EDT
[b]The_Flashlight[/b] I live in Jeff City, MO... Call me @ 573-353-9725... [b]24 - 7[/b] This is my mobile phone... The one thing that has help me thru times of depression is this - God Loves me! On this one thing I can depend. He made you, and you are special and unique in His eyes. On this you can depend. People will fail you, circumstances can overwhelm you, BUT... Tomorrow is a new dawn. A fresh start in life, each day. If you need someone to talk to call me. You are important to me. And God truly does love you, so pause... Pick up your phone... CALL ME... Isaiah 26:3 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whoes mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee" This one verse has help me through many valleys in life. Dude, call me... talk, and I'll listen...
Link Posted: 6/10/2003 10:39:23 PM EDT
Flashlight.....Yes there is a reset button. I hit it myself about 3.5 years ago- But only through conscious effort and even prayer. Already, you are smarter then I. I told nobody and kept it all inside. I wasn't exactly suicidal but I was completely indifferent to life, which can be just as deadly when you engage in dangerous activities. Figure out what makes life worth living and do it! No matter what the sacrifices, or obstacles, just pursue your dream. For me, it's aviation, and my family. For you, it's just waiting to be discovered. As far as we know, we only get one turn on this planet, so you might as well rack up as many experiences as you can. Don't give the liberals and other bastards the satisfaction of dancing on your grave. I'm not being sarcastic here. This country is involved in a cultural war, and we need every freedom loving person we can get. Do not waste a precious resource. I have a personal ambition to dance (and maybe piss on) the graves of several prominent celebrities and politicians. Literally! so I cannot even think about departing first. You are smart enough to get out of the rut. You just have to apply your intellect and willpower. It sounds like you have clinical depression. As you know, if the brain chemistry is out of balance, you need to rebalance it before you can get on with life. Please stay on the meds until you are absolutely sure you are free of it. Try prayer, it worked for me, even though I am not clearly not religious or devout. I cannot discount it's power. Good luck, you have a lot of friends here pulling for you. Please keep us advised.
Link Posted: 6/11/2003 12:34:09 AM EDT
Flashlight...there is a lot of good advice on this thread. Listen to it...the folks here are REALLY some of the best guys in the whole country....SERIOUSLY. Listen to them....you can IM or call any one of us....there are guys here 24/7. Just hold on, take a deep breath and go one day at a time. Things do change over time...especially if you make them change. Lot's of us have been there and back a few times so please understand that you are NOT alone.
Link Posted: 6/11/2003 2:22:47 AM EDT
This board is AWESOME. I have been hanging out here off and on for the past three years. I first found it when I was unemployed and down in the dumps and cruising the web all night.I started reading for the info and kept coming back cause the people who hang here made me 1. LMAO. 2. Always have advice for any question (a lot of it even good)[:D]and many (as you have seen)ready to help out others they never even met. Makes em good people in my book. [:E] Since you have a law degree we definetly need you around here someone is always getting there ass in trouble[(:)], maybe there is something you could volunteer for like Silvera vs. Lockyer and put all the knowledge in the big fat brain to use. FOUR degrees and you are 33?! Holy crap thats a lot of reading and I love to read. The tennis class was a great idea (coeds in skirts chasing bouncing ball[naughty])as is anything that gets you physically involved. Check out a scuba diving class, as a technical instructor I can tell you it can be extremely involving both mentally and physically. Plus there is no way you can think about anything else while you are doing it. Much better then Golf. Get active get those endorphins flowing, even if its a brisk walk around the block or dropping and doing 50 pushups. Keep posting With that egghead on your shoulders I'm sure you have a lot of good advice to give many here on the board.
Link Posted: 6/11/2003 3:36:43 AM EDT
Flashlight, My suggestion is that at this stage medication is more important than therapy. There are many different medications, keep trying different ones until you find one or a combination you can tolerate. Also note that side-effects can diminish over time as your body adapts to the medication. Get a good doctor and stick with him/her. And note that there are good ones and bad ones. If you have to, "shop around" until you find a doc that works for you. You also need to stick with it and give it time to work. My best wishes, I hope things work out for you.
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