First a bit of background.
I am currently living in Japan for due to a work contract that keeps being extended.
I have ulcerative colitis, a medical problem which requires me to make a frantic dash for the toilet every 100 minutes or so.
When I say a “dash”, I really mean a DASH, 1 minute from the initial warning; I am in severe danger of making a skid mark

I was going back to my company residence in a rural area by car last night about 8 O’clock in the evening, well after dark.
I get tell-tale cramps in my stomach which means Red-Alert for me.
My options are
1.  Crap in my pants
2.  Pull over and relive myself in the forest that is conveniently nearby.

I do whatever anybody would do in my situation and pull over and park at the side of the road being careful not to be an obstruction to any cars that might pass by, not that I expect any to.

I finished my business in time thankfully and return to my car to find a Japanese police car and 2 policemen (one old guy about 50ish and a young one about 30 years of age) using flashlights to have a look inside my car.

I say “Good evening” to them in Japanese and they visibly jump, seems like I took them by surprise.
They turn around and their faces change from normal to “Oh, shit”.
The old police man starts stuttering in a mixture of Japanese and English which is totally incomprehensible.
I tell them that I can speak Japanese as fluently as a native.
They should have noticed that when I first spoke to them, but of course I didn’t say that.
The young one takes charge of the situation and goes through the expected routine, “Driver’s license please. Name, age, address? Have you got your foreigner’s register card? ” and so on.

Then comes the inevitable “What are you doing here at such a late hour? There are no shops or anything else that warrant you stopping here"
I have an internal debate on whether to bluff it out or be truthful.
I reason that what I have done can’t be an arresting offence and that I will get a warning or a fine at the most.
I tell the truth, show my medications and the wad of toilet paper that I had taken with me.
The older policeman says still in a mixture of broken English and Japanese…..
Drum roll
Po : “Then we shall have to look for your turd and used toilet paper.”

      “Where is it?”
Me: “I don’t know. I normally don’t expect to have to retrieve it so I don’t take mental notes ”
Po: “Where is the general area that it is in?”
Me: “Around there. (gestures with hand)”
Po: “So we will search”
And then they commence to do exactly that.
Both of them go into the woods and start searching.
In the meantime I am left wondering….
1.  Where’s the guy with the candid camera sign?
2.  Where’s the camera?
3.  It would be fun to take my car and drive off, or even better take the police car and drive off.
4.  I wish that one of them would find it by treading in it.
5.  What happens if they don’t find it?
6.  I like pie.

About 5 minutes later the old one calls to the young one that he has found it.
The young one comes to me to ask to borrow my toilet paper so that he can match it to the stuff that has been found.
They come back and tell me that I am cleared and free to go.

I think about the potential of this as a posting topic so since I am talking with them I ask them about their armament.
They told me that all Japanese ordinary police are armed with a .38 revolver ”New Nanbu” with 5 shots and a baton and that’s it.
No back up in the car or at small police stations.
The first shot of the Nanbu is a blank and there is no ammo for reloading.
I asked if I could see it and was told that there is a seal on the holster to determine if the revolver has been taken out or not, so they could not show it to me.
The old one let me have a close up look at it in the holster though.
They had some kind of body armor with a plate which looked pretty solid.


I leave and they leave and everyone lives to see another day..

slow day on the ginza, i guess! "my god, look at this gaijin unko! there is enough to make smarr japanese chird!"

That goes to prove that the Japanese are a thorough
sort when it comes to their careers.

A bit TOO thorough, I suppose.

Those Japanese cops know their shit...

first shot is a blank?!?

WTF?

ETA; The average CCW ARFCOM'er civilian carries more firepower and more rounds than a regular Japanese cop...  

Hey, I've seen some Japanese pr0n in my day.

I know why they REALLY wanted to find the doodie.

Quoted: Hey, I've seen some Japanese pr0n in my day. I know why they REALLY wanted to find the doodie.

Hey, if four rounds of .38 and a blank can't take care of your situation - it's time to breakout the fairies that live in the clamshell and summon Gamera

Was it really necessary to match the TP you had to the TP they found in the woods next to the pile of shit?

CSI:  Tokyo.
Coprolite Scene Investigation...

Guys, this is really AWESOME!!!

I work with japanese people here, in UN (yes... I work for the ENEMY...) and I don't make any affort to believe this story.

must have been thier highlight of the month!!!

Quoted: Hey, I've seen some Japanese pr0n in my day. I know why they REALLY wanted to find the doodie.

I really love the contrast between your avatar and your posts sometimes.

Quoted: Guys, this is really AWESOME!!! I work with japanese people here, in UN (yes... I work for the ENEMY...) and I don't make any affort to believe this story.

Why not?

From what I have seen/read (very little), this does not sound out of the ordinary for them.

[johnny cochran]If you can't locate the shit... you must acquit.[/johnny cochran]

Reason why the Japanese are so undergunned is the fact that NOONE and I mean NOONE has guns. They inherited this from their "warlord" culture where only Samurai could bear arms. Any peon, peasant, sheeple, subject-psuedoCitizen found with a weapon was killed.* Nice right? OH and although they are considered an "industrial democracy" belive me they are not really. The police have powers that make China look like "rand of reee hrome of brave" Go look up the japanese as far as gun control on the RKBA web sites unbefuckingliveable!




*thats why i belive we should base our gun laws on Japan!

Omoshirokatta. Demo, keisatsu hitotachi wa honto ni anata no unchi o mitsukatta kana?

Quoted: Hey, if four rounds of .38 and a blank can't take care of your situation - it's time to breakout the fairies that live in the clamshell and summon Gamera Mothra

Mothra - Toho Studios - Giant moth
Gamera - Daiei Studios - Giant turtle

Your Kaiju-Fu is weak.

Quoted: Quoted: Hey, I've seen some Japanese pr0n in my day. I know why they REALLY wanted to find the doodie. I really love the contrast between your avatar and your posts sometimes.

Well, I wasn't ALWAYS a Christian.

But even then, it's not like I went looking for Japanese scat pr0n. It's just one of those internet things that sort of happen.

Having lived in Japan for a couple of years, I'm more surprised they didn't have you drop trou to inspect for recent nether region activity.

Quoted: Was it really necessary to match the TP you had to the TP they found in the woods next to the pile of shit?

I think that it was incase somebody had taken a dump a few minutes ago.
At least the police thought it necessary.

Quoted: first shot is a blank?!? WTF? ETA; The average CCW ARFCOM'er civilian carries more firepower and more rounds than a regular Japanese cop...

I asked about that and they said that by police regulations, they have to fire a warning shot before actually shooting at a person with intent to hit.
Hence the blank.
And he said that “If it comes to shooting, I can just pull the trigger twice”.

I knew that some people would call .
I would do so too, if I read this.
Unfortunately I have no way of proving this, and in any case it’s man shit, not

Quoted: I knew that some people would call . I would do so too, if I read this. Unfortunately I have no way of proving this, and in any case it’s man shit, not

I am not calling BS on 'ya.  

I just think is funny as hell and sad all at the same time.  

FLEEZE!!! POOH PORICE!!

They had to match the TP!?

Just on the off chance that you were trying to claim someone else's shit as your own?

Quoted: Quoted: Guys, this is really AWESOME!!! I work with japanese people here, in UN (yes... I work for the ENEMY...) and I don't make any affort to believe this story. Why not? From what I have seen/read (very little), this does not sound out of the ordinary for them.

I'm fairly sure Paolo means that the story is easy to believe, hence no effort required.

After living in Okinawa for 2 years, I can completely believe this story...some of the stuff I saw there...

Quoted: [johnny cochran]If you can't locate the shit... you must acquit.[/johnny cochran]

You BASTARD!!! LMFAO!!!

Quoted: Reason why the Japanese are so undergunned is the fact that NOONE and I mean NOONE has guns. They inherited this from their "warlord" culture where only Samurai could bear arms. Any peon, peasant, sheeple, subject-psuedoCitizen found with a weapon was killed.* Nice right? OH and although they are considered an "industrial democracy" belive me they are not really. The police have powers that make China look like "rand of reee hrome of brave" Go look up the japanese as far as gun control on the RKBA web sites unbefuckingliveable! *thats why i belive we should base our gun laws on Japan!

Data from the Japanese National Police Organization.
The number of shooting incidents for last year was 71, illegal guns confiscated was 1880.
Most were hand guns.
I would guesstimate that at least 10 times that number of illegal guns exist in Japan.

Almost every adult Japanese can legally own a long gun if the person can pay the $4000 tax per year.
The restrictions on the actual guns are that they must be smooth bore, maximum 5 shots, must be pump or bolt action or muzzle loaded. There are other regulations too.

One can even own a AR-15 if it is tamed
It is tamed by welding shut the magazine port, removing the brass ejection mechanism and rechambering it.
This makes it a one shot gun that uses a 20? gauge shot gun slug.
To reload pull the charging handle, push a rod down the barrel and eject, put a cartridge into the chamber via the ejector port and release.

Quoted: Omoshirokatta. Demo, keisatsu hitotachi wa honto ni anata no unchi o mitsukatta kana?

Hai, tabun watashino "mono" wo mitsuketa nodesiyou.
No offence meant, but are you aware that you are using baby talk Japanese?

Quoted: They had to match the TP!? Just on the off chance that you were trying to claim someone else's shit as your own?

I think that that was the idea.
I wonder if they checked to see if it was still warm?

PaoloAR1, sorry if you were offended.
I think that I misunderstood your post.

Quoted: Hey, if four rounds of .38 and a blank can't take care of your situation - it's time to breakout the fairies that live in the clamshell and summon Gamera

All your turds are belong to us.

Unanswered questions:

Did they sit in the car afterward writing a report?  How long?

What, they didn't take DNA evidence from you and the woods?

Quoted: Quoted: Hey, if four rounds of .38 and a blank can't take care of your situation - it's time to breakout the fairies that live in the clamshell and summon Gamera Mothra Mothra - Toho Studios - Giant moth Gamera - Daiei Studios - Giant turtle Your Kaiju-Fu is weak.

Are you sure Gamera would not be more apropros given the situation?

Quoted: Hey, I've seen some Japanese pr0n in my day. I know why they REALLY wanted to find the doodie.

TUB GIRL!

"Erementary, Watson-san. I have made an extensive study of toiret paper. This was made at the Nagoya Deright factory rast year."

Quoted: Reason why the Japanese are so undergunned is the fact that NOONE and I mean NOONE has guns. They inherited this from their "warlord" culture where only Samurai could bear arms. Any peon, peasant, sheeple, subject-psuedoCitizen found with a weapon was killed.*  Nice right? OH and although they are considered an "industrial democracy" belive me they are not really. The police have powers that make China look like "rand of reee hrome of brave" Go look up the japanese as far as gun control on the RKBA web sites unbefuckingliveable! *thats why i belive we should base our gun laws on Japan! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Data from the Japanese National Police Organization. The number of shooting incidents for last year was 71, illegal guns confiscated was 1880. Most were hand guns. I would guesstimate that at least 10 times that number of illegal guns exist in Japan. Almost every adult Japanese can legally own a long gun if the person can pay the $4000 tax per year. The restrictions on the actual guns are that they must be smooth bore, maximum 5 shots, must be pump or bolt action or muzzle loaded. There are other regulations too. One can even own a AR-15 if it is tamed It is tamed by welding shut the magazine port, removing the brass ejection mechanism and rechambering it. This makes it a one shot gun that uses a 20? gauge shot gun slug. To reload pull the charging handle, push a rod down the barrel and eject, put a cartridge into the chamber via the ejector port and release.

Well I've only been to Japan once for two weeks so i dont know that much about it. And i did Exaggerate a liittle when i said that NOONE could own a gun. But for all intents and purposes it is a disarmed society compared to us. But far more disturbing to me was what i read about their legal system and how broad the powers the police have. Like they have a key to every home in their prefecture and can search through your home at any time without cause! Turns out the cops like to rifle through teenage girls drawers looking for whatever in pop culture is big at the moment. They are trying to understand the teenage girl mentality! Good luck with that one chief!

Quoted: That goes to prove that the Japanese are a thorough sort when it comes to their careers. A bit TOO thorough, I suppose.

Not thorough enough. They didn't match the shit to his ass.

Quoted: First a bit of background. I am currently living in Japan

Your avatar is TOTORO! hahahhaha

[tangent]

Excellent read:

Yakuza diary : doing time in the Japanese underworld / by Christopher Seymour


Includes a chapter where they go out shooting.  Very interesting.  [/tangent]

Quoted: Those Japanese cops know their shit...

awesome

No offence meant, but are you aware that you are using baby talk Japanese?

Yes, I could have said 'unko' instead of 'unchi'. Considering I have a 10 month old boy, my wife gets mad if I use the more 'casual' words in my house. I guess 'unchi' was what came to mind first since that is the word we use most often in my house these days. Gomen ne.

Sore de, mondai ga attara, kita kaze ni itte kure!

I got it from a samurai movie a long time ago. Cracks me up everytime I get an opportunity to say it.  It sounds better if you snear and use a Toshiro Mifune voice while you're saying it though.

Quoted: No offence meant, but are you aware that you are using baby talk Japanese? Yes, I could have said 'unko' instead of 'unchi'. Considering I have a 10 month old boy, my wife gets mad if I use the more 'casual' words in my house. I guess 'unchi' was what came to mind first since that is the word we use most often in my house these days. Gomen ne. Sore de, mondai ga attara, kita kaze ni itte kure! I got it from a samurai movie a long time ago. Cracks me up everytime I get an opportunity to say it.  It sounds better if you snear and use a Toshiro Mifune voice while you're saying it though.

Can it translate and stil be funny?  How 'bout it?

God Bless the United States of America!  

You couldn't have told them you just had to take a leak???

They are probably laughing at you just as much as you are them!

OMFG!
That is the funniest thing I have read all day!!!

Thanks for the idea man.

Next time I want to go sneaking around someplace that I am not supposed to be. I will carry a turd and some toilet paper  just incase I get caught.

Quoted: must have been thier highlight of the month!!!

No kidding. I wonder what they're saying back at the station about this.

"my god, look at this gaijin unko! there is enough to make smarr japanese chird!"

Quoted: Quoted: Reason why the Japanese are so undergunned is the fact that NOONE and I mean NOONE has guns. They inherited this from their "warlord" culture where only Samurai could bear arms. Any peon, peasant, sheeple, subject-psuedoCitizen found with a weapon was killed.*  Nice right? OH and although they are considered an "industrial democracy" belive me they are not really. The police have powers that make China look like "rand of reee hrome of brave" Go look up the japanese as far as gun control on the RKBA web sites unbefuckingliveable! *thats why i belive we should base our gun laws on Japan! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Data from the Japanese National Police Organization. The number of shooting incidents for last year was 71, illegal guns confiscated was 1880. Most were hand guns. I would guesstimate that at least 10 times that number of illegal guns exist in Japan. Almost every adult Japanese can legally own a long gun if the person can pay the $4000 tax per year. The restrictions on the actual guns are that they must be smooth bore, maximum 5 shots, must be pump or bolt action or muzzle loaded. There are other regulations too. One can even own a AR-15 if it is tamed It is tamed by welding shut the magazine port, removing the brass ejection mechanism and rechambering it. This makes it a one shot gun that uses a 20? gauge shot gun slug. To reload pull the charging handle, push a rod down the barrel and eject, put a cartridge into the chamber via the ejector port and release. Well I've only been to Japan once for two weeks so i dont know that much about it. And i did Exaggerate a liittle when i said that NOONE could own a gun. But for all intents and purposes it is a disarmed society compared to us. But far more disturbing to me was what i read about their legal system and how broad the powers the police have. Like they have a key to every home in their prefecture and can search through your home at any time without cause! Turns out the cops like to rifle through teenage girls drawers looking for whatever in pop culture is big at the moment. They are trying to understand the teenage girl mentality! Good luck with that one chief!

I'm gonna have to call BS on that one...got a link?

Those are some damn thorough cops.

Quoted: Reason why the Japanese are so undergunned is the fact that NOONE and I mean NOONE has guns. They inherited this from their "warlord" culture where only Samurai could bear arms. Any peon, peasant, sheeple, subject-psuedoCitizen found with a weapon was killed.* Nice right? OH and although they are considered an "industrial democracy" belive me they are not really. The police have powers that make China look like "rand of reee hrome of brave" Go look up the japanese as far as gun control on the RKBA web sites unbefuckingliveable! *thats why i belive we should base our gun laws on Japan!

This is untrue.

Prior to the middle 16th century, pretty much anyone could carry any weapon they could afford.  Local lords might place restrictions on the non-warrior classes, but there was no national law against non-samurai carrying weapons.  This may largely have been because there really was no national government to impose such a law.  Up until Hideoyoshi Toyotomi, civilains could own swords, but could NOT carry two swords, that was the perogative of the samurai class.  The Dictator Oda Nobunaga was descended from peasant stock himself and began the process of uniting Japan, he came to power through superior military skills and eventually generalship.  His successor was Toyotomi Hideyoshi, another peasant risen to power who further unified the country and, for a time, outlawed non-samurai from carrying weapons.  He was succeeded after a civil war, by Ieyasu Tokugawa a samurai of the Minamoto clan and the first of the three to be able to claim the title Shogun (as a man must be able to trace his ancestry to one of three noble clans to claim the Shogunate.  Thus Nobunaga was "The Dictator" and Hedeyoshi was "The Taiko" or "Great Drum."    The Tokugawa Shogunate then REQUIRED samurai to carry the two swords (The Daisho) and set specific standards for what constituted a proper long sword, short sword or tanto (actually a classification of sword).  In about 1876, the Meiji Imperial government outlawed the carriage of all swords except by military officers, but only enforced it for a short time in order to force the samurai over to more civilian activities or into nationally controlled military pursuits.  These laws were relaxed in a few years and people were allowed to own, make and practice with swords again with considerable relaxation in the class of who could own swords occuring as the samurai class was no more.  

The real disarmament of Japanese culture came as a result of the US occupation of Japan.  The Occupational government absolutely banned all weapons ownership in Japan, pretty much without exception.  A thousand years of sword production was rounded up and tossed in store-rooms including many masterworks.  Servicepeople from the occupying countries were actually authorized to enter those store-rooms and pick a sword of their choice and take it home with them.  Japanese connoisseurs eventually prevailed upon the occupying government to allow them to go through the stored swords and pull out the culturally significant swords (as judged by a panel of artisans qualified to do so) and negotiated a regulation that allowed Japanese to own and make swords again as a cultural treasure.  This work around measure is the reason why the art of Japanese swordmaking and japanese swordsmanship arts are not completely lost today.   Occupational rule is why Japan is effectively disarmed (though there is precedent for disarmament in Japanese history, the modern incarnation is the direct result of the occupation.).

Can it translate and stil be funny? How 'bout it?

Kita kaze ni itte kure! - Translation: Go tell it to the north wind.

Which from the Japanese perspective of implied meanings, it means that if you got something to say about it, go tell it to the north wind. Because nobody here gives a shit. In the movies, the guy usually has to pull out his katana to defend himself after saying something like that.

Kinda like Clint saying, "I don't think it's nice, you laughing at my mule......"

I lived in Japan for almost a year and total time with shorter periods is about a year and a half and I can believe thisfor the most part.  Most older Japanese can speak English  but since they have few opportunities they are very reticent to do so for fear of embarassing themselves or the person they are talking to.

And the police are very much in to investigating as a reaction to an uncertain situation.  Gaijin has told us something, we have the opportunity to determine truth or untruth by a quick investigation, so we investigate.  

As far as the original incident, if you had done it right off the roadside, there would likely have been no problems.  This is (or was) a culture that finds public urination in the street acceptable for a variety of people and situations, it follows that an emergency dump due to illness would also be acceptable.  Ergo, if you were out in the woods, you must have had a nefarious purpose, because in an emergency doing it right by the side of the road would have been what a Japanese would do.

The police in Japan have an intrusive presence that we would find totally unacceptable.  The Police Boxes every few blocks, the police wanting and getting all the local information about people that might be needed or un-needed.  Police brutality is perfectly acceptable and rarely happens.  Why rarely? Well if you know that the policeman asking you to do something is skilled in martial arts and can legally knock your teeth out if he feels like it, means that few people give the police any excuse to be violent.

There is no "gun crime" in Japan.  But that's because criminals don't have access to guns, ergo no gun crime.  To admit to have any gun crime would mean that criminals have access to guns and admitting that would be to deny the government official policy.  So if a Yakuza or other criminal uses a gun in a crime say extortion or robbery that crime will only be codified as extortion orrobbery.  That a gun was used will be ignored for most purposes.  Like suicides, Japan has a very small rate of suicides by definition, which means that all the kids that leap in front of trains because they failed their exams are not comitting suicide, the act has another name and gets statistically included in the other category.