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Posted: 8/1/2009 11:02:34 AM EST
I thought things were solid between us before I left, we had been together for quite some time before getting married.

When I left we both were sad that I was going but she told me multiple times, i will be here when you get back.

First 3 months went fine, then the problems started, it was little things at first and then it got to the point where all we did was argue about everything.

To me it seemed like she was losing her mind and she hated everything about her life, especially me. She cut her hair, changed the type of clothes she wore, started hanging out with new friends, blew off my family and her old friends, stopped going to church and constantly complained about where we lived and her job.

Then she started complaining more and more about me, like everything was my fault. Then one day she says she needs to talk and says she wants a divorce.

It blew me away that things got that bad, I was pissed because i felt like out of the blue she just wanted to quit.

How was I suppose to try to work things out when she just quits? I told her I needed time and thought we should wait until I came home until we filed for divorce. She kept pushing the divorce thing and just went right into dividing our stuff.

I think her family put pressure on her to wait, because she decided not to file until she sees me in person.

So I have leave coming up and we are going to see each other and spend time together trying to fix things or get divorced if it doesn't work out.

The thing that gets me is lately she has been more friendly and seems like she is trying to work on things between us.

Now I am starting to think, she is freaking crazy as much as I love her and want things to work out I am afraid she just has gone nuts on me.

Should I give up on her? I realize deployments are hard, has anyone been through anything like this? Any advice?
Link Posted: 8/1/2009 1:43:45 PM EST
You two need to get counceling right away. Preferably by a pastor at your church
Link Posted: 8/1/2009 1:47:25 PM EST
Ouch.

I'm guessing but I'd say she's alone and mad. She's lashing out because something very important is missing in her life and doesn't know how to cope with it.
Link Posted: 8/1/2009 1:59:50 PM EST
You're not going to like what I have to say, and I mean absolutely no disrespect by what I'm about to say. I've been deployed, I've been divorced, and a LOT of the things you mentioned set off red flags in my mind. Changing her appearance, changing her circle of friends, leaving the church?

You should consider the possibility of another man. They have to segregate themselves from mutual friends (and fellow parishoners) because they will not condone her behavior - and will defend you. SO she has to have another outlet, people who don't know you and won't judge her. Keep your eyes open brother - and best of luck.
Link Posted: 8/1/2009 6:40:38 PM EST
Yep, all her actions would seem to indicate that there is a new guy in the picture.
Link Posted: 8/1/2009 9:40:32 PM EST
i've asked her a bunch of times about that and told her if thats the case just tell me and then we will get divorced and that will be the end of it.

She swears up and down its not the case...
Link Posted: 8/1/2009 10:32:14 PM EST
dude, cut your losses and walk away. We've all seen this before, especially deployed. It'll sting now, but in the long run, I think you'll be better off.
Link Posted: 8/2/2009 12:52:04 AM EST
Originally Posted By scoutfsu99:
dude, cut your losses and walk away. We've all seen this before, especially deployed. It'll sting now, but in the long run, I think you'll be better off.


Well we will see how the leave goes, with my luck as soon as I am ready to let go she will want to come back.
Link Posted: 8/2/2009 2:50:44 AM EST
I have to agree with the cut your losses crowd but it is really up to you. I have been deployed and I have been and am still going through my fair share of issues at home.

It takes two to make things work, that means you and her. If nether party is committed it will never work. I know it is hard to face the facts but there is a good chance there is someone else she is seeing based on her behavior you have no proof but something isn’t right and you know it. It’s possible with time she will realize she is happy with you and things can work out, again it takes two who are committed for it to work.

I wish you the best of luck

You know you have outlets for folks to talk to in your area; it is there if you want it, the Chaplin, your peers, etc.

Hang in there!
Link Posted: 8/2/2009 3:01:03 AM EST
Originally Posted By GR8TWYT:
You're not going to like what I have to say, and I mean absolutely no disrespect by what I'm about to say. I've been deployed, I've been divorced, and a LOT of the things you mentioned set off red flags in my mind. Changing her appearance, changing her circle of friends, leaving the church?

You should consider the possibility of another man. They have to segregate themselves from mutual friends (and fellow parishoners) because they will not condone her behavior - and will defend you. SO she has to have another outlet, people who don't know you and won't judge her. Keep your eyes open brother - and best of luck.


Think about what this man posted above.

I have been deployed, I am deployed, I have had my ups and downs in our marriage. 12 yrs on the 7th. This is your decision, you said you love her, go home and tend to your woman. Get face to face with her, if she did in fact do something, you need to find out if it is over and done with, and then you need to decide for yourself if you want to overcome this bump in the road.

Regardless, you two need to speak to counselor from church or a pastor, quick. I may get flamed here; however, women are the weaker vessel, this is your wife and you have a responsibility towards her. Mistakes happen, we are human, get face to face and then make decisions.
Link Posted: 8/2/2009 4:09:47 AM EST
I agree everything points towards the cheating thing and thats what I thought originally. I have spoken to her friends and family and they say no, but they could be lying as well.

I dont know hopefully I can figure things out...
Link Posted: 8/2/2009 7:44:39 AM EST

Originally Posted By 1911greg:
I agree everything points towards the cheating thing and thats what I thought originally. I have spoken to her friends and family and they say no, but they could be lying as well.

I dont know hopefully I can figure things out...

A friend of mine once said that "women are like monkeys - they never let go of one tree branch until they have another one in hand."

If I hadn't lived it myself - it would be easier to make excuses for her. This is what I did when i didn't want to deal with my innermost suspicions/fears. In the end, I was the chump. EVERYONE seemed to have some knowledge of her transgressions but refused to "get involved" until I decided I'd had enough. Then they were more than willing to spill their guts about what they knew. The Firecontrolman has the right idea though - face to face. Look into her eyes when you ask the tough questions. They will tell more than her words can. Best of luck to you.
Link Posted: 8/2/2009 7:52:35 AM EST
reference my post in this forum about my brother..

protect your assets, and more importantly protect yourself
Link Posted: 8/3/2009 12:02:18 PM EST
It is not easy to be alone when a partner is away. Is she on base? It's always best to go home and live with Mom when the spouse is deployed.
Link Posted: 8/3/2009 12:15:18 PM EST
Originally Posted By 1911greg:
i've asked her a bunch of times about that and told her if thats the case just tell me and then we will get divorced and that will be the end of it.

She swears up and down its not the case...


Hire a PI. It's not that much money when you consider the cost of actually not ever knowing for sure. Obviously, you need to do it before you get back.
Link Posted: 8/5/2009 8:49:26 AM EST
Originally Posted By Sparkym37:
Originally Posted By 1911greg:
i've asked her a bunch of times about that and told her if thats the case just tell me and then we will get divorced and that will be the end of it.

She swears up and down its not the case...


Hire a PI. It's not that much money when you consider the cost of actually not ever knowing for sure. Obviously, you need to do it before you get back.



I thought about that, i dont know...
Link Posted: 8/5/2009 6:13:10 PM EST
Originally Posted By 1911greg:
Originally Posted By Sparkym37:
Originally Posted By 1911greg:
i've asked her a bunch of times about that and told her if thats the case just tell me and then we will get divorced and that will be the end of it.

She swears up and down its not the case...


Hire a PI. It's not that much money when you consider the cost of actually not ever knowing for sure. Obviously, you need to do it before you get back.



I thought about that, i dont know...


You can either face facts and accept what you already know in your heart or you can keep lying to yourself. My friend kept lying to himself.....and came home to an empty bank account (just under $60k total gone). He knew it deep down but wouldn't admit it to himself. And he suffered he consequences. You reap what you sow
Link Posted: 8/6/2009 7:17:53 AM EST
Saw plenty of this in my 20 years in the Army. Sorry, time to move on. Life is too damn short to allow people to shit on you... and you Sir have been shit on.

Protect yourself and the future, get out ASAP.
Link Posted: 8/6/2009 12:03:37 PM EST
I was in your exact possition about 6 months ago, less than 4 months into a year long deployment there were 'issues', when it was brought to light many things came out and it only got worse, luckly she wasn't cheating, luckly I have some good bro's to do RnS, most of the issues span from us both being active duty military, at that time we had spent 2 weeks together in 10 months, I'll be home soon, after haveing had 4 weeks together in 18 months... it's rough, when I was on R&R she went for the door and then decided it wasn't the way to go, I've had the divorce paper work drafted as well, I've spent over 2 years of my life away from her just from being in Iraq, she's spent 14 months here. Life is rough, but I have 7 years married to her and 9 of knowing her, new changes came to our lives and a move across country, that has resparked alot of adventure.

If you don't have children or a house, it makes it easier to walk away, but that's your choice, she's doing time with out you just as you are doing time over seas, plenty of us make it, over half of the others divorce. You can make it work if you both put the effort in, but it takes two.

Link Posted: 8/6/2009 12:07:35 PM EST
Don't ever give up if it's what you want. Fight for her until the very bitter end and show her how you feel. If she has made up her mind it may be fruitless, but the fact that she has waited to file says she has doubts.
Link Posted: 8/6/2009 10:30:39 PM EST
[Last Edit: 8/6/2009 10:31:00 PM EST by scoutfsu99]
Link Posted: 8/8/2009 11:29:21 AM EST
From a wife: Deployments are hard but they aren't the end of the world. Or they shouldn't be. I've always said deployments are just a small amount of time away in a lifetime together. That doesn't mean some days, weeks, months aren't harder than others or that I don't get frustrated or angry when he's gone but it's temporary.

If you want to fight, then fight for her but neither of you should expect this to all be fixed on your leave and the homecoming at the end of the deployment is going to be another adjustment period. It takes more than a week or two to get back into the swing of things even if you're thrilled to be home and she's thrilled to have you. It takes time, patience, and communication and even more when there are underlying issues.

Don't forget MilitaryOneSource offers counseling - free. It might at least be a place to start.
Link Posted: 8/8/2009 3:54:08 PM EST
Blaming you for everything is a diversion so she can walk away and say it was your fault. By her actions, she was never committed to you or the marriage and apparenlt forgot her wedding vows as well.

Let her go with no regrets. Takes a special woman to be a military spouse and sorry to say, yours is not up to the task.
Link Posted: 9/20/2009 10:34:44 PM EST
Let's see...you can:

A-Hope she see's a therapist, gets her meds and is a happy camper.

**or**

B-Hire a P.I. for a few hundred $, and get piece of mind and confirmation. I honestly think she's thinking about other guys, if she has not been banging them already. At least you'll know and you can fortify your resolve.

Either way..."Goodbye Asshole...EJECT! EJECT!, EJECT!" (Sorry, watched Flight of the Intruder, last night) You do not need the drama or chaos of this chick, even if she was your very first or the very best lay of your life. Caveat: If you have kids, then make it work-even if you are in separate bedrooms.

Marriage is way over-rated. Both parties must want to make it work INDEFINITELY. Today's culture does not help. Plus nowadays marriage is completely pro-wife. There is no financial or logical reason for a MAN to ever get married. I wish someone had beaten this into me 20 years ago.

DAMAGE CONTROL; Get her to delay the divorce for as long as possible, even if that means lying and groveling to her. Wait until you are home, and IMMEDIATELY (if not discreetly) get your most prized possessions hidden away at a storage unit (under a trusted friend's name.), and freeze all joint assets and credit cards before she maxes them out. Tell the financial institutions she is completely 5150 and you will sue if they extend her credit under your name. Hell, send her to Vegas with some girl-friends and some pocket cash, if you need a couple of days to accomplish this. That would be awesome if she came home to a completely vacant house with a terminated lease contract stapled to the door and a grease spot where her leased car used to be, before it was towed by the repossess people.

Your marriage is most likely over dude. Sorry. But get proactive, and start googling the shit out of a decent attorney. The old joke of "Why do divorces cost so much? Because they are worth it!" Hopefully you just have to pay a little alimony for a couple of years. Remain calm in court, no matter what, and let her look like the insane one. BTW-when you are married, you should never even have to say "I'll be here when you get back..." Red Parachute flare #1 right there.

Link Posted: 9/20/2009 10:36:13 PM EST
Originally Posted By 1911greg:
I agree everything points towards the cheating thing and thats what I thought originally. I have spoken to her friends and family and they say no, but they could be lying as well.

I dont know hopefully I can figure things out...


No shit. They are HER friends and family, not yours.
Link Posted: 9/20/2009 10:40:32 PM EST
Game Over. Walk away. She isn't strong enough to be a military wife, and there is nothing wrong with that. You just need to acknowledge that little bit of information.
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