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10/20/2017 1:01:18 AM
9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 9/7/2005 1:32:19 AM EDT
I know that I will regret ever asking for advice about women on this board, but I am at a loss. Actually, my brother is at a loss. But since he is my flesh and blood, his problem is also my problem. Here is the situation. My bro got married two years ago. Before the wedding, the fiance was in dental school, into everything my bro was into (so she claims), in good physical shape, and she fawned over my bro, a real catch. She was basically his ideal woman because she was hot, motivated, soon to be making money, and into everything he was into. (Yes, I realize that he is shallow, but he is my brother so I have to forgive him)

My brother is a doctor just finishing up his residency, so he doesn't make any money right, but he will be very soon. Here is the problem: pretty much the day after the wedding, his wife no longer wants to do the stuff he likes to do, will probably fail out of dental school because she isn't motivated, and to add insult to his injury, put on a bunch of weight. Moreover, she is letting herself slide. Now, he is coming to me for advice on what to do. He is in counseling and has voiced his concerns, but he is getting nowhere.

For me, it is quite clear. She saw someone who was set to be making a lot of money in due time and saw an opportunity to get a free ride through life. She thought that by waiting on him hand and foot till the day they got married, she could play a role. After the wedding, she could go back to her normal self. I heard this and almost shouted "BAIT AND SWITCH!". If it were me, I'd be running for the divorce lawyer as fast as I could, praying the entire time that I didn't get her knocked up.

I think the main problem is that my bro feels as though he was slighted and that she was never all that into him to begin with and was after the easy life. Now he is miserable and hating life. So my question is this: Is he merely going through a teething phase of marriage or does he need to lawyer up?
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 1:38:02 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/7/2005 1:38:37 AM EDT by swingset]
Are you your brother's keeper?

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Anyway....the best advice is he needs to sit down with his bride and voice his displeasure in a constructive and open way. See where it goes........honesty beats shutting up and letting resentment explode into divorce.

Then, work towards counseling. If that fails, lawyer up.

Simple solution, difficult follow through.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 1:38:12 AM EDT
Tell him to tell her he is making a career change (though not really) to something that makes ALOT less and see what she does.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 1:39:06 AM EDT
Two years ago? Isn't it a little late to worry about it now?

How long were they dating before they got married? Depending on the courtship period, I would find it hard to believe it was her plan all along. Seems like that's a lot of effort to be a premeditated scam. Maybe the scam bug bit her once they were married.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 1:39:55 AM EDT

Originally Posted By FieroLoki:
Tell him to tell her he is making a career change (though not really) to something that makes ALOT less and see what she does.



Yeah, or you could do that.

Then tell him to tea-bag her....and post pics.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 1:41:03 AM EDT
Communication is key ... and he better do it now .... He needs to let her know how he feels and see what she thinks.

Getting divorced after 2 years if he is not happy will be a lot less straining on his bank account now than getting divorced further down the road.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 1:42:08 AM EDT
Don't be TOO suprised,



Happens every day, millions of times in this country.....

Link Posted: 9/7/2005 1:48:50 AM EDT
This is a Jekyll and Hyde case IMO. Call me cynical but IF the facts are as presented it's time to lawyer up and get it over with. The sooner the less tortuous.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 1:53:47 AM EDT
Time for an attorney...a really,really good one. Best of luck.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 1:57:07 AM EDT
Remember here, we're only hearing 1 side of the story.

I'm sure she's on the interweb telling her friends something completely sympathetic to her unhappiness.

Either he wants to start being a man and working this out with open communication (which is no guarantee, but still the best first step), or he wants to be a dumbass and lose half his shit.

In any case, he's a grown man and has to live with the consequences of his actions.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 5:39:37 AM EDT
Career change announcement might be a low down way to smoke her out but you can bet your last bit of pocket lint that it will work.

"Honey, I'm leaving medicine & going to follow my dream of becoming a Telemarketer"
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 6:39:11 AM EDT
www.NoMarriage.com
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 7:10:17 AM EDT

Originally Posted By swingset:
Remember here, we're only hearing 1 side of the story.

I'm sure she's on the interweb telling her friends something completely sympathetic to her unhappiness.

Either he wants to start being a man and working this out with open communication (which is no guarantee, but still the best first step), or he wants to be a dumbass and lose half his shit.

In any case, he's a grown man and has to live with the consequences of his actions.



+1

It's POSSIBLE that she is just a manipulative and callous person, who planned to take advantage of him from the get-go.

It is also POSSIBLE that somehow, she is not getting what she expected from him, and has started to "give up" in the relationship. Medical residency can put a lot of strain on relationship, and perhaps part of her behavior is a result of her not feeling that he is as engaged in their relationship as he should be.

I have no idea, obviously - but I am echoing swingset's observation that there may be two very different versions of this story! Of course the "bait-and-switch" wives DO happen - happened to a friend of mine's brother too - the wife dropped out of school and stopped doing anything, and wanted to becomae a "dancer" right after they got married. Luckily, he got an annulment pretty quickly.

I agree that it is crucial that your brother and his wife get into some councelling to get all of the underlying issues out in the open. Only AFTER that, can he truly start to make any decisions about who is to blame, and whether he should be talking to a divorce attorney.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 7:21:56 AM EDT
Good advice. I would say have your brother be very careful with planned preggos - no use bringing children into this until its fixed. He should be honest and constructive about his feelings [quite possibly the woman has a depression issue?]

Patty
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 7:24:38 AM EDT
Try the communication method 1st.... if nothing else he can say "I Tried"...... if that don't work...lawyer up and get the best you can afford.... he's a young guy with too many things in life ahead of him to have this kind of shit now.... solve the problem now or be miserable forever
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 7:27:20 AM EDT
Dump her. Get out now before it's to late.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 7:31:20 AM EDT
No flame to you, but this should be none of your business.

Your brother should just man up and do what needs to be done, he is the one in the situation not you. Life is hard enough as it is without strapping on someone else's problems. Been there, done that.

You are the odd man out, the best thing your brother can do is to face the problem himself and do what needs to be done, whatever that means to HIM.

If you tell him to dump her but they end up staying together and fixing it up, you'll be the asshole. Essentially you are in a no win situation pretty much no matter what the outcome.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 7:32:03 AM EDT

Is there such a thing as post-nuptial agreements?

Shok
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 7:42:51 AM EDT
What did he think the ring did?
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 7:44:47 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/7/2005 7:53:25 AM EDT by Q3131A]

Originally Posted By mmsig229:
www.NoMarriage.com



www.nomarriage.com

Make sure you don't have any kids before you can put a plan into action.... Er... Um... Your brother.

ETA: www.fireyourwife.com/

ETA2: Don't discuss it with her. Blind side from left field. If he decides to end it, he must think about self preservation. He doesn't want to be paying her for the next 30 years. He needs to think of his future children with his next live-in.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 7:47:04 AM EDT

Originally Posted By rebel_rifle:
No flame to you, but this should be none of your business.


Wrong. The brother came to him for help/advice, now he's involved.

S_U
Yes, this was probably a set-up. BTDT- but I got the house. Your brother already knows he needs out, thats why he's talking about it, he's just still in the denial/depression phase. He needs to get on with getting out of the relationship, the sooner- the easier, and cut his stress levels.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 7:51:43 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Lon_Moer:

Wrong. The brother came to him for help/advice, now he's involved.





And that is when you have to say, "Sorry, you need to talk to someone else who is a professional, some who is not connected, someone who can be objective."

Having family members be marriage counselors is a recipe for disaster. Almost every time it ends up placing a lot of stress on them and causing hurt feelings and long term strife IN the family.

Even though she may be a bitch and everyone will tell him to dump her, what if he does not? What if they get back together and then have kids?

Link Posted: 9/7/2005 7:54:04 AM EDT

Originally Posted By rebel_rifle:
And that is when you have to say, "Sorry, you need to talk to someone else who is a professional, some who is not connected, someone who can be objective."



An attorney
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 4:03:28 PM EDT

Originally Posted By rebel_rifle:

Originally Posted By Lon_Moer:

Wrong. The brother came to him for help/advice, now he's involved.





And that is when you have to say, "Sorry, you need to talk to someone else who is a professional, some who is not connected, someone who can be objective."

Having family members be marriage counselors is a recipe for disaster. Almost every time it ends up placing a lot of stress on them and causing hurt feelings and long term strife IN the family.

Even though she may be a bitch and everyone will tell him to dump her, what if he does not? What if they get back together and then have kids?




Thanks for the replies. On a side note, I would like to say that they are in counseling right now. However, the counselor, seems to be in it for the long term. As in, she plans to continue to be thier counselor for years to come. My brother as well as myself believe that if the solution takes years to come, the problem is unfixable. I always thought of counseling as a way of mediation to get the feelings out on the table and come up with a solution. I don't think that it will take years to get all the feelings out there and come up with either a dissolution or a resolution.

As far as it being none of my business, I think it is all of my business. My brother came to me! He is my flesh and blood and I will help him whenever he asks me to. I understand that residency is a trying time, and that you are hearing only one side of the story, but when it comes down to the core problem, the parties in a marriage are unhappy and my brother will not be satisfied untill the girl he was dating for the previous 2 years comes back.

Before he got married, he voiced concerns over her lack of will power and drive. Two years into marriage, all of his worst fears have come to fruition. As it stands, there is no pre-nup, no kids, but there are some assets. My advice was to figure out what is going to happen FAST. If he is unhappy now, I can only imagine what a drain on his soul she will be twenty years from now. Since he isn't making any money now, the divorce will be less painful than if he does it later. I just wish that there was a better alternative.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 4:14:22 PM EDT
Have him start getting some of those pamplets on going to africa to be a docotor for the poor.


He should leave them in his pant pockets once in awhile for her to find.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 4:17:04 PM EDT
Your brother should have had a weight clause in a prenup. IMHO it is false advertising when women put on a bunch of weight after getting married...I have seen it happen so many times it isn't funny...
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 4:22:15 PM EDT
get a divorce before he starts to make good money. it is much cheaper this way. it also sounds like your brother is a jerk so i think he will have the same problems the next time around.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 4:22:50 PM EDT

Originally Posted By QShok:
Is there such a thing as post-nuptial agreements?

Shok



NO

Sewer_Urchin,

Aggressive marriage counseling. I agree with the posters above that there are likely two sides to this story. BTW, dental school is significantly more difficult to get into. She's very intelligent so tell him to tread lightly.

Oh, tell him to get the guns out of the house until this gets sorted out.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 4:30:27 PM EDT
If he bails out now, it will have been a relatively inexpensive lesson for him.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 4:45:28 PM EDT
pre-nups

I'll certainly be getting one, I don't understand why some people think it's inappropriate to talk about money with the woman you'll be trust for the rest of your life, hehe.


Link Posted: 9/7/2005 4:53:26 PM EDT
It will only get worse
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 4:56:25 PM EDT
Eject, Eject, Eject

If she is or was in dental school she should realize how much stress residency is on him. This crap about "not paying enough attention" etc will not fly, he should know she is smarter than that. She needs to meet him half way on everything. If she isn't or she isn't voicing her conerns she is acting immature.

Don't marry people that are not adults. Period. Some people never grow into adults.

Divorce now. If she wants to get back together etc, prenup time.

+1 on the career change idea
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 5:03:47 PM EDT

Originally Posted By squeezecockerp7m8:
Your brother should have had a weight clause in a prenup. IMHO it is false advertising when women put on a bunch of weight after getting married...I have seen it happen so many times it isn't funny...



BAD BAD BAD BAD advice, horrible advice.


I just got married in May 0f 05 and my wife and I have a pre nup. From my research and talking to my attorney adding a "weight clause" to a pre nup is a sure fire way to have you come across as a devicve and shallow person. It may even help to get the prenup thrown out of court.

My attorneys opinion was that in no way should the prenup look shallow or appear to encourage divorce. He said that would be a sure fire way to get a prenup nullified.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 5:27:35 PM EDT
y=xt^2

y=total cost

x=constant of pain

t=time in years



The longer he wastes with this fruitloop, the more it is going to cost him. Exponentially so.
He better go talk to a lawyer so he understands the ramifications of remaining with this Hag for ANY longer.
Link Posted: 9/7/2005 7:14:05 PM EDT
Sewer_Urchin: If you only wrote the very first paragraph of your post, I could have guessed the rest easily. Live and learn. Like I always say, women are bitches. The sooner you realize this, the better off you will be.

Did they go to the same school? There are many women who go to school to be lawyers and doctors, merely to find guys who are going to school for the very same thing. Once they get married to them, they drop out of school and live the easy life.

And do you know why this keeps happening? Because most guys are complete f-ing retarded dumbasses. I guarantee you 110% if your brother posted here with the exact scenario *before* they got married and we told him "don't do it man!" he would still have done it. Now he's fucked. Good luck to him.
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