I could use a good joke. Clean please.
Ok, I have 2 my son relayed to me a few years back:
1. A guy runs into a bar....."ouch"
2. Two guys run into a bar...you would have thought the second guy would have seen it....
Why do women like circumcised men? Because they can't resist 10% off.
An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."
"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."
At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
Two antennas get married.
The wedding wasn't much to see.
But the reception was great!
Thank you very much, I'm here next week.
Two psychics meet on the street.
One says, "You're fine how am I?"
Ok -- A blind person walks into a store and starts SWINGING the seeing-eye dog around and around by it's leash....
A salesgirl runs up and says: " Can I help you?"
The blind person: " No thanks -- I'm just looking around!"
Two cannibals were eating a clown, one says th the other "Does this tase funny to you?"
The cannibal family sat doown to dinner and junior says, "Mom, I don't like my sister!".
Mom says,"So eat the potatoes."
Try the borscht!
What does a old women have in between her boobs that a young girl dosen't... A belly button!!!
"Nothings Better than eating Pie,and flossing you teeth at the same time"
---My bus driver---
Jesus is walking down a dirt road and sees a group gathered at the edge of the next town. Then he notices they are pelting a woman with rocks. He figures out the situation and calls out:
"Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone!"
Everybody looks around, then a rock comes sailing over the crowd 'whap!', hits the woman.
Thanks guys! These are great!
What has four legs and one arm?
A Rottweiler !!
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the
judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:
40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
Hugh frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Mods told me not to post any more naked pictures of myself.
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Feb. 27, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoid ing The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other
Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Ok so how long have you been talking to my wife?
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the kitchen freezer for 20 minutes.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a drastic change when parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
There was a man who worked for the Post Office... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses .One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds,he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later,another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. It must have been those thieving fuckers at the Post Office.
A little Jewish kid was having difficulty in math class at school. His Mom goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, we've tried everything, we've talked to his teacher, we hired a tutor...nothing works." The Rabbi considers this and says, "Send him to Catholic school. Those nuns really get the job done." Mom is not sure about this, but she's desperate and signs him up.
Kid comes home at the end of the first day of school. He says nothing as he marches up to his bedroom, sits at his desk and starts on his homework. Same thing happens every day--he spends 3-4 hours doing his homework in silence.
End of the semester and he brings home his first report card: straight A's--math included. Mom turns to him and says, "This is great! Wonderful! A miracle! How did you do it?"
"Well Ma, let me tell you," he begins. "When I walked in the first day and saw that guy nailed to the big plus sign, I KNEW they were serious about math!"
feel free to IM
Businees man is out of town on a trip.
Goes into teh bar across from the Hilton...
Sits down and beckons the bartender, CRAP, he thinks, this is a gay bar...
Bartender - " Yes... ...... well i cant give you a drink until you tell me the name of your "Willie"
Guy on your left , he named his Timex- takes a lickin' and keeps on ticken'
Guy on your right, he named his Chevy -- Like a Rock
So until you gimmie a name , I cant serve you, I'll be back in a minute
Business mans ponders for a few ** Bling** I got it, "Bartender! Bring me a beer!, I got your name!"
Business man "Secret" now gimmie me damned beer!
Bartender-- "Secret? , WTF? ...
Business man "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!" Gimmie my beer!
What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A Manila folder!
Why did God create whiskey?
So the Irish wouldn't rule the world!
An american tourist in Venezuela engaged a native in a discussion about the country's recreational activities. "What's Venezuela's number one sport?", she asked.
"It is bullfighting, senorita", the caraqueno replied.
"Ugh, that's so revolting!"
"No, no--that is our number two sport."
What do tornadoes and divorces have in common in Arkansas?
Someone's losing a trailer.
What were Joan of Arc's last words?
"If you knew what you were doing, you wouldn't NEED lighter fluid!"
A devout man who lived in a flood plain was awakened by a Sherrif's deputy one morning telling him that the levee had failed and the man needed to evacuate.
"No, no--I am a christian man and I know the Lord will save me", he replied.
The flood waters surrounded the man's home and Volunteer Fire and Rescue came by in a boat to evacuate him.
"No, no--I have faith that the Lord will save me."
Once the flood waters reached the man's roof, a National Guard helicopter came by to pluck him away to safety.
"No, no--I have faith that the Lord will save me."
So the dude drowns and is whisked up to Heaven by angels.
Before Saint Peter can greet the newly arrived, the man storms past him and tromps directly to the Throne in which God is seated.
"Lord, I have a bone to pick with you!"
"What is it my son?"
"I trusted you, man! You were supposed to keep me from harm and save me from the flood!"
"What do you want from me? I sent you the sherrif, a boat, a helicopter...."