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Posted: 11/13/2002 7:48:31 AM EST
"Why are you harassing me?"
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 7:54:36 AM EST
You will never take me alive copper!
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 8:10:01 AM EST
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 8:11:27 AM EST
that wasn't the gun i shot her with!
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 9:05:37 AM EST
[Last Edit: 11/13/2002 9:06:58 AM EST by llanero]
Cop: "Why are your eyes so red, son?" Hippie motorist: "Cuz I'm allergic to pig."
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 9:12:46 AM EST
"Wasn't me..." "I ain't done nuthin' wrong..." "I know people higher up..." "I got your name and badge number..."
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 9:32:08 AM EST
"Woof woof" Dumb ass was barking at one of our K9s. And yes we have a law against that. Best part was when he was put in the holding cell and was asked, "So what are you in here for?" "I barked at a dog. I barked at a F**king DOG!" Everyone in the tank fell apart laughing at him.
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 9:40:50 AM EST
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 9:51:16 AM EST
"Honnish, ocifer! I *hic* wusshn't drinkin', not atall. *hurp...gurp...blaarrggh!!* [puke] ....oh, crap. Sorry 'boutcha shooz, ocifer. I guesh I got the flu t'night." That pretty much ensures a little road trip! CJ
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 10:01:59 AM EST
"Do you know who the fuck I am????? "
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 10:04:23 AM EST
My (pick one: brother, cousin, uncle, aunt, friend, etc) is a lawyer (or judge). You can't do that. I know your boss and he'll be hearing about this.
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 12:29:38 PM EST
Originally Posted By Luckystiff: "Woof woof" Dumb ass was barking at one of our K9s. And yes we have a law against that. Best part was when he was put in the holding cell and was asked, "So what are you in here for?" "I barked at a dog. I barked at a F**king DOG!" Everyone in the tank fell apart laughing at him.
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Ya'll really do have laws against barking at a dog. Now I've heard of some dumb stuff and that's really dumb.
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 4:39:44 PM EST
No harassing the K-9 units! It's not such a dumb law if you think about it.
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 4:48:19 PM EST
One guy at my store was being 'disorderly', we threatened to call the police: Guy: 'Go ahead, call the police... I ain't afraid of no po-lice... I know all the po-lice, go ahead.. call em F**k the po-lice, F**k em' and so on... 2 plainclothes officers walked in right in the middle of his little fit, and asked 'is there a problem here?'... Quite funny to watch... He didn't go to jail, but he got real polite, shut up, and left...
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 6:02:42 PM EST
"Excuse me ossifer, I'm losht. Can you give meeth some directhuns?" That was an obviously drunk driver pulling up to curb to harass me, a bored walking beat officer at the time. Unbelievably enough, it happened more than once when I was on walking beat. We used to joke that we offered "drive-through" service.
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 6:13:54 PM EST
Ididnotdoitnobodysawmedoitcan'tprovenothing
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 6:39:41 PM EST
Friend of a friend of my wife (at the airport security checkpoint -- long before Texas had CCW): "Would you hold on to my purse? It has a gun in it." Zoink!
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 6:49:31 PM EST
Link Posted: 11/13/2002 7:37:47 PM EST
I was ridding with a friend of mine one night, we were taking a prisoner down the county jail. On the way there he stated that when he got out of jail that he was going to come back, and rape is wife. Let me tell I have never see a car stop so fast and friend get out the car like he did. Let's just say that the rest the ride down to the county jail was very quiet.
Link Posted: 11/14/2002 8:40:31 AM EST
After finding some rock in a dirtbag's pants, "These aint my pants!"
Link Posted: 11/14/2002 9:00:34 AM EST
[Last Edit: 11/14/2002 9:10:10 AM EST by DoubleYouDoubleYou]
Originally Posted By Luckystiff: "Woof woof" Dumb ass was barking at one of our K9s. And yes we have a law against that. Best part was when he was put in the holding cell and was asked, "So what are you in here for?" "I barked at a dog. I barked at a F**king DOG!" Everyone in the tank fell apart laughing at him.
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WoofWoof! Heck Osifer that's my nickname. Real name is Wofse hence "WoofWoof" now your saying if I'm near one of your Pooches and either I or another person addresses me by my nickname...it a free ride to the slam??? Just where are ya?...I better not go there
Link Posted: 11/15/2002 11:10:40 AM EST
My most recent: Me: "so how did he get that knot on his head?" susp: "Ahhhh, uhhhmmmm well, he fell down." me: "Ok, what did he hit his head on when he fell?" susp: "Well....I guess I could have accidentally hit him." me: "With the bat?" susp: "yeah." me: "Why don't you turn around and place your hands behind your back for me." Susp: "Oh man, am I under arrest?" I wanted to say "I guess you could be."
Link Posted: 11/16/2002 12:42:49 PM EST
For all the non-LEO's in here let me explain this. Yes. If you stick your face up to the window of a Police/Sheriff ect. K-9 car and start barking at the dog so that he goes into a fit you will, in most states, go to jail. It is not that hard to figure out and makes since. This is one of those good laws. It will only apply to the dumb asses of the world so only dumb asses have something to worry about. Loosen up the foil hat it is cutting off your circulation.
Link Posted: 11/21/2002 1:14:04 AM EST
No sir, occifer. You wont find a drop of blood in my alcohol system. or, You can't arrest me!
Link Posted: 11/21/2002 2:42:17 AM EST
I knew an officer who was doing a transport from one county jail to another halfway across the state. Along the way, the prisoner in the back seat was getting loud and boisterous...thratening to do things to the officer's family. The officer (no names to protect those involved) slammed on the brakes sending the prick in the back seat face first into the wire screen between the front and back seat. He hit it hard! Prick" WTF was that for? I'm gonna sue you for assault...yadda, yadda, yadda" Officer, "There was a rabbit in the road, I didn't want to hit it" Nothing ever became of that incident, and the rest of the ride was uneventful. The big joke now is, they call that "procedure" a screen test.
Link Posted: 11/21/2002 7:13:09 AM EST
I'm elected constable in my Voting precinct and i work at juvenile facility with delinquent youth. So tough young street dude decides he will try to scare me with his street prowess and act and says: "Yo, you tried to arrest me on da' street i'd cap your ass!" I said, looking straight into his eyes matter of factly "you wouldn't have time!" His friends are watching this, so not to lose face he says"Ya, right Watchoo gonna do?" I matter of factly stated "By the time i saw you going for a pocket or your waist band, I would have two through your heart and lungs and one in your head,and you wouldn't know it was happening till the lights went out!" His reply "Yeah right!" in a nervous tone. So i explained to him that "I shoot a lot, not like most of your city officers that fire maybe a couple times a year!" He says "so!" Well to make a long story short, I shoot every week, and participate in IDPA, IPSC type matches,so decided to do an "educational video" for the young lads! I set up 5 B-27 targets, had a friend video taping what i was doing. I drew put two in the chest of the first fake perp and one in the head and hit the other four fatally at least once from seven yards with no missses in 7 seconds! I also took the targets to work and had them count the holes! The Kid says,"the Glock he carries only holds fourrteen rounds, there are 14 holes, thats no misses!!!!!!" After they were all done gulping their throats back down into their necks, i explained> "There are thousands of cops who can do that and thousands of cops who can't, do you amature crooks want to take the chance you run into one that can?, It would be really effective gang control if you and your buddies do!"[kill] Never heard those type of statements again!
Link Posted: 11/21/2002 7:30:52 AM EST
[Last Edit: 11/21/2002 7:32:07 AM EST by u-baddog]
W VA Trooper: Sir have you been drinking ? Bonehead: A couple of beers W VA Trooper: Sir I am going to have to ask you to step out of the car. Bonehead: I'm not playing your fucking games either take me in or let me go ! [shock] After the bonehead was cuffed and stuffed trooper returns to boneheads car and asked the other to occupant. W VA Trooper: Your buddy was an asshole, any of you guys want to join him. Ive got room for more. [:D]
Link Posted: 11/21/2002 7:37:02 AM EST
Originally Posted By Stoney-Point: The big joke now is, they call that "procedure" a screen test.
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That procedure you are refering to (screen test) has been around since the '70's. Not new at all. Sorry. Funny, yet it doesn't fly anymore with department brass. It's very old and is slipping into "urban legend" now.
Link Posted: 11/21/2002 11:24:09 PM EST
I swear all the homeless here must go to seminars, because I hear almost the exact things word for word, and it changes about every month or so. Currently it's: "You cannot arrest me, I don't recognise your constitutional authority!" Of course there is the old standby, "My sister/brother/etc is a lawyer!" (In this town that may very well be true) Flat out the fastest way for a free ride this side of threats against the officer's family. As already posted, you'd be amazed how many folks are wearing someone elses pants.
Link Posted: 11/21/2002 11:36:25 PM EST
To LEO's: how do you do it? How do you manage the patience to walk into a situation with stupid, dirty, smelly people and manage to sort things out? I was in college for a good while, and I hung out with a good bunch, but occasionaly I'd be somewhere and see something that the police had to clean up. A riot (WSU, 1998), a couple of attempted rapes, some robberies by my fat dope-dealing Mexican neighbor, stupid-ass drunk ass, puking, falling down partiers. I couldnt do it- the realy bad ones I'd double tap the guy in the head instead of even touching him. The rest of the calls- I couldnt handle the dirt and slime. I wouldnt touch some of the folks you guys cuff and pat down, with a ten meter cattle prod. There are some parts of being a cop I'd really find interesting, investigations, driving the car (oh how I wish I was a highway patrol guy some nights) being able to draw my weapon in potentialy bad situations without having to fear one of you guys showing up and throwing me in the back of the car for a few hours until things got sorted out (hey, its happened). I'm a bit of an adrenaline junkey sometimes so I'd probably enjoy learning to handle a high-speed chase in one of those crusiers, as well as SWAT training and the CQB stuff...but the routine, the sleazy, the sorry, the sad....thats why I went into the Guard and learned how to crew a tank instead. Thanks guys- my grandfather and every other LEO in this country, past, present, and future are larger than life to me. Keep up the good work.
Link Posted: 11/22/2002 9:55:16 AM EST
[Last Edit: 11/22/2002 9:55:56 AM EST by jsinz]
Originally Posted By Hk45USP:
Originally Posted By Stoney-Point: The big joke now is, they call that "procedure" a screen test.
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That procedure you are refering to (screen test) has been around since the '70's. Not new at all. Sorry. Funny, yet it doesn't fly anymore with department brass. It's very old and is slipping into "urban legend" now.
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Uh, no its not.
Link Posted: 11/22/2002 7:40:45 PM EST
"I did it" usually gets them a room at the Gray Bar Hotel
Link Posted: 11/24/2002 4:39:42 PM EST
Originally Posted By RebelGray: To LEO's: how do you do it? How do you manage the patience to walk into a situation with stupid, dirty, smelly people and manage to sort things out?
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Lots of patience and dilligence
Link Posted: 11/27/2002 6:19:10 AM EST
Idiot: DO you know who I am? I want your badge number! Me: Badge number? You watch too much TV. Let me give you a business card.
Link Posted: 11/29/2002 9:40:10 AM EST
Back in the day when I was working for a very small dept. this happened as I stepped out the front door in full uniform. Doper: "Hey, you look pretty cool" Me: "Must be the uniform" Doper: "Want to buy some pot? I've got a bunch" Me: "Sure, I'll buy all you have." So he leads me across the street to his house, and invites me in. His girlfriend was sober enough to realize I was a cop and tried to stash the Kilo of pot that they and the 10 other friends were enjoying. Up until I left due to a disablity, that idiot was still screaming "Intrapment"
Link Posted: 11/29/2002 9:52:36 PM EST
ME... You got ID? BG... Nope I asked another if he had any pot in the car and he said "yeah, do you want me to give it to you?" I told him sure and he gave it to me..... after he was cuffed, stuffed and mirandized, he told me where his crack was... duh!!!!
Link Posted: 11/30/2002 11:12:44 AM EST
"Two beers." Everyone who tells me they only had two beers is drunk off his/her ass and goes. Hell I have arrested about 10 people over my career that were driving shit faced and when they get out of the car they have pissed all over themselves. Then they stand there and tell me "two beers". I have been royally drunk in my time but I have never pissed all over myself.
Link Posted: 11/30/2002 2:28:07 PM EST
Originally Posted By underdog_m4: Idiot: DO you know who I am? I want your badge number! Me: Badge number? You watch too much TV. Let me give you a business card.
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CLASSIC!
Link Posted: 12/1/2002 10:09:48 AM EST
The reason they always say "Two Beers" is they can only remember their first and last.
Link Posted: 12/1/2002 3:21:51 PM EST
Link Posted: 12/1/2002 7:46:32 PM EST
Originally Posted By Stoney-Point: I knew an officer who was doing a transport from one county jail to another halfway across the state. Along the way, the prisoner in the back seat was getting loud and boisterous...thratening to do things to the officer's family. The officer (no names to protect those involved) slammed on the brakes sending the prick in the back seat face first into the wire screen between the front and back seat. He hit it hard! Prick" WTF was that for? I'm gonna sue you for assault...yadda, yadda, yadda" Officer, "There was a rabbit in the road, I didn't want to hit it" Nothing ever became of that incident, and the rest of the ride was uneventful. The big joke now is, they call that "procedure" a screen test.
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We call it "Waffleface" And my input: "I only had two beers, thir. I thwear."
Link Posted: 12/2/2002 7:55:14 AM EST
Said by one charged with Possesion w. intent to Distribute..... "I wasn't gonna distribute, it was just for me but it's not mine!"
Link Posted: 12/2/2002 7:21:04 PM EST
"I hate cops" "I have alot of weed in my backpack" "I wasnt fvcking chickens" -all things actually said to me recently at work.
Link Posted: 12/3/2002 10:18:02 AM EST
[Last Edit: 12/3/2002 10:19:49 AM EST by Callahan44m]
Q. (After reading Implied Consent Advisory to suspect)"will you submit to a blood test?" A. "Could I have a little more time to think on it, like 'til morning? I really don't think I can make a decision like that in my condition."
Link Posted: 12/6/2002 5:05:58 PM EST
[Last Edit: 12/6/2002 5:18:54 PM EST by Callahan44m]
And, just as good: (Being on temporary assignment in a "contract" community) Suspect(As he stumbles to your car) "Before you go any further with this, maybe you should talk to X or Y about this(2 Community Deputies)" Me: "Nah, I've done this enough I know exactly what to do." later Me: "Blow into the tube please." Suspect "Hell no, I know I'll never pass that."
Link Posted: 12/8/2002 9:16:37 AM EST
I pay your salary!
Link Posted: 12/8/2002 12:40:21 PM EST
[Last Edit: 12/8/2002 12:40:32 PM EST by FALShootist]
"you can't tell me what to do".
Link Posted: 12/16/2002 5:29:20 AM EST
I have a friend who, during his wild and wooly days got jacked by a cop.The cop said something like," Your eyes are bloodshot son, you been drinking?" My friend replied,"Your eyes are glazed officer ,you been eating donuts?" He took a ride.Was a good comeback though. Brutal honesty has always been good for me."Ya got anything on ya man?" "Yeah, I got some weed in my pocket" Uhhhh, okay.Job security I guess. My personal favs that get you a ride are: Do you know who I am? Yeah,didn't you sell me a couch last week? Ya'll must have a quota. Yep, 3 more tickets and my wife gets a new toaster oven. And my personal most hated line (usually by drunks): Look , I'm not trying to be a jerk (D@#$head ,whatever) THEN DON'T!!! You're not even a REAL cop. That's right ,the fake kind.As a matter of fact,this is a fake ticket,a fake patrol car, and if you don't show up for court,they'll issue a fake warrant.(I work for a university) And as far as the "screen test" goes, you have to look out for all the cats ,dogs ,racoons, and possums huh? Wouldn't want PETA on our butts would we?
Link Posted: 12/16/2002 5:32:23 AM EST
Originally Posted By Glock31: I pay your salary!
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My usual response is:Could I get a raise? I read this one in Reader's Digest and have been dying to use it: I'll have your job!!! Sir, you wouldn't want my job.The pay is low,the hours are long,and you meet the nastiest people.
Link Posted: 12/16/2002 12:06:51 PM EST
I was an ER Tech at a Level 1 trauma center on the far west side of Chicago (Loyola UMC in Maywood), and we got a TON o' drunks - most were in the company of the police. Invariably the answer to "How much have you had to drink tonight?" was "A couple of beers."...except once. A guy came in with a huge abscess on his back that needed draining. I was getting things set-up and the nurse who was filling out the chart asked "Do you drink alcohol, sir?". His reply, "Not during the week 'cuz I gots a job, but on the weekend I drinks all my fill." We almost passed out from laughing. We did recover and tell him he was our favorite patient as he was the only one who told us the truth. Oh, another classic "get a ride" line: "Why aren't you out catching [b]real[/b] criminals instead of hassling me?!"
Link Posted: 12/23/2002 9:55:09 PM EST
Originally Posted By Luckystiff: "Woof woof" Dumb ass was barking at one of our K9s. And yes we have a law against that. Best part was when he was put in the holding cell and was asked, "So what are you in here for?" "I barked at a dog. I barked at a F**king DOG!" Everyone in the tank fell apart laughing at him.
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Now, that is priceless..... BTW, is it jsut against the law for humans to bark at your K9s, or do dogs get charged too? Scott
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