Posted: 4/20/2001 5:55:28 PM EDT
I didn't write it, just passing it on.
Subject: Life savers
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
The children began to say:
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them
for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well!" he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father"
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,
"Everybody, spit them out, THEY'RE ASSHOLES!"
You need to tell better jokes if you want to be a full member....
Hey paspecops! I used to be a member on the old board. After getting busted to buck private, I spend most of my time here lurking. Besides, I am generally not creative enough to develop good jokes. I just pass along other's work.
ummm...anyone got a good joke?
A West Point LT and a Drill Sergeant walk into the latrine at the same time. They both walk up to the urinals at the same time and they both start to piss at the same time. They finish at the same time and turn and walk for the urinals at the same time but the LT walks to the sinks as the Drill Sergeant heads for the door...
The LT says: :Excuse me Drill Sergeant but when I was at West Point, they taught us to wash our hands after we use the latrine." He says matter-of-factly...
As the Drill Sergeant exits he replies with: "Outstanding Sir. In Drill Sergeant School they taught us not to piss on our F*cking hands!
Or some instructions for gonna be boy friends for a daughter of a, uumm friendly father
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other
issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My fathers a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"
"And what is the moral of the story?", asked the teacher.
"Dont put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now Lucy"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. Ant the moral to this story is, dont count your chickens until they are hatched."
"That was a fine story,Lucy. Now Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldnt break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of ammo, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher." What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Dont fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
Just one more::
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. ONe day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they had sex all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awaking around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling", replied the man, "I cant lie to you. I have been having an affair with my secretary and we have been having sex all afternoon. I felll asleep and didnt wake up until eight o clock."
The wife glanced down at hhis shoes and said,
"YOU LYING BASTARD!! YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING GOLF!"