Subject: Letter FROM Santa

To Whom it May Concern:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able

to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve.  Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve
only

certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part
of

the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies
so

keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a
few differences between us.  Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys

insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC Cola and a moon pie [or pork rinds] on the fireplace.  And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen .." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The
last

I heard, it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is
Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the  letters and the other
is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated  viewing area.

Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"  and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.

9. And, finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, such
as "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town." This year, however, songs about Bubba Claus will be
played on all the AM radio stations in the South--songs such as Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a
Reindeer."

Merrily Yours,

Santa Claus

Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209