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VA, USA
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Fred's Night Out
During a night out, Fred has a bit too much to drink,
and throws up on himself.
Knowing that Fred's wife will kill him if she knows
he's been drinking enough to be sick, the barman
decides to help him out, "Just put a twenty in your
jacket pocket. When your wife sees you, say that you
were passing a pub when someone stumbled out and threw
up on you, then gave you the money to pay for the dry-
cleaning."
Fred thinks this is a pretty good idea, so he takes a
twenty from his wallet, puts it in his jacket pocket
and, giving his thanks to the barman, leaves the pub.
He arrives home, hangs up his jacket and is immediately
confronted by his wife. Careful not to slur, he tells
his story. His wife checks the jacket, and pulls out
two twenty dollar bills.
"Hold on," she says. "There are two twenties in here."
"Yeah," agrees Fred. "He pissed in my pants too."
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VA, USA
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Posted: 6/28/2002 7:31:06 AM EDT
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start
heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come
up to the first bull and his sign stated, "This bull
mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her
husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you
could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated,
"This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns
to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last
year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from
this one also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said,
"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's
mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times
last year. That is ONCE A DAY! You could really learn
from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire
if it was 365 times with the same cow."
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CO, USA
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Posted: 6/28/2002 7:38:47 AM EDT
Stop your kill'in me.[:D]
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Posted: 6/28/2002 7:45:18 AM EDT
LMAO! Those were good!
Here's one for ya,
A farmer pays twice as much for a bull that was advertised as an excellent stud. However, after he puts him to pasture, he won't mate with any of his cows and the neighbors are all making fun of him for paying so much for the bull.
So he goes to vet and tells him the problem. The vet goes in the back and mixes up some male hormone pills and ads some flavoring to it.
He then tells the farmer to go back and the bull one of the three pills. If within the next few days, if he isn't mating to give him the other two.
Well, the farmer goes back and decides to just go ahead and give the bull twp pills right off the bat. The next morning the bull has mated with all his cows and broke through the fence and is in the process of mating with all his neighbors cows.
His neighbor comes running up and asks him, "What did you give that bull!?"
"I don't know put it tasted like peppermint!"
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Posted: 6/28/2002 7:45:29 AM EDT
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.
As they came back drunk, right before dawn, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with so she took
off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second, not finding anything either, thought: "I'm not getting rid of
my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the
phone and one says to the other: " We have to be on the lookout; it seems that these two were up to no good last night; my wife came home without her panties."
The other one responded: "You're lucky; mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read:
"We will never forget you."
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Posted: 6/28/2002 7:49:44 AM EDT
A little boy and a little girl are playing together when the little girl asks if the boy wants to take his clothes off and play doctor.
The boy says "No, that's old-fashioned. Take your gum out - I want to play President."
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Posted: 6/28/2002 8:18:48 AM EDT
This good ol' boy goes to the pharmacy and says, "I would like one of them there condoms with the pesticide on it."
The pharmacist replies, "Oh, you must mean spermicide."
"Nope, I want a condom with pesticide," answers the boy.
"Sir, pesticide is used to kill insects. I think you mean spermicide, which is used to keep your wife from getting pregnant," says the pharmacist.
"No, I want pesticide. My wife has had a bug up her ass for weeks now and I aim to kill it."
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CO, USA
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Posted: 6/28/2002 8:52:39 AM EDT
A chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her =
husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firs time and you flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want."
"What you want?"
"I wanna numma 69", she replies.
He looks at her very puzzled and says,"You wanna beef with broccolli?
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Posted: 6/28/2002 8:59:57 AM EDT
ROFLMAO!!!!!
These are great.
I really like the same cow one[;)].
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WI, USA
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Posted: 6/28/2002 9:30:43 AM EDT
This one might get me banned..
Q) How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A) She has to chew before she can swallow.
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