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Posted: 8/4/2009 7:38:30 AM EST
[Last Edit: 8/4/2009 7:38:47 AM EST by tall_texan_65]
Ah, yes. As we get older we all begin to think more about Heaven, Hell, and the Hereafter. That is, you walk into a room, look around and ask "For heaven's sake, what the hell did I come here after?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Link Posted: 8/4/2009 8:02:25 AM EST
A woman was in the labor room cussing and swearing at the husband saing: Oh god it hurts, its all your fault, it hurts, you did this to me!!

At which he replies" Hey; I wanted to stick it in your ass; but you said that would hurt too much...."
Link Posted: 8/4/2009 3:04:44 PM EST
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
Link Posted: 8/4/2009 3:19:21 PM EST
Jimmy Carter, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton were on the Titanic after it hit the iceberg. Knowing that there weren't enough lifeboats, Carter said "Women and children first!" Obama said "White people's greed leaves a world in need, Fuck them!" Clinton said "Do we have enough time?"
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