I need some cheering up, ladies. Post your best joke.
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks,
"What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies.
"Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!"
Better yesterday; worse today . My blood pressure is getting out of control. Guess I should see a doctor about it. I thought it was temporary but it is fluctuating too much; it's probably just stress but having it 126/111 along with lightheadedness and nose bleeds is not good.
The boss was in a quandary; he had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Susan or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Susan came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Susan, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Susan replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
ETA: Get better soon!
OK, not a joke, but hubby recently got this from another dog lover:
Note from your Dog
I've got 10 human pet peeves to talk about:
1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all
2. Yelling at me for barking...I'm a friggin DOG, you idiot!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Whose walk is this, anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose, Stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now ya know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home!
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoo freaken Hooo! What a proud moment for the "top of the food chain."
7. Taking me to the vet for the 'big snip,' then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing, yet.
9. Dog sweaters. HELLLOOOO!!!!!??? Haven't ya noticed the FUR???
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Face it, we both know the truth: you're jealous.
lol priceless and I know I definitely do number 6 to my dog all the time!
Hmm, I'll make an attempt.
A bear, a lion and a chicken are talking.
"When I roar" said the bear, "the forest rumbles."
The lion sniffed.
"When I roar, the jungle trembles," he said.
"Oh." Said the chicken.
The lion and bear looked at her, thinking about dinner.
The chicken smiled a small, knowing smile, and said
"When I cough, the whole world sh*ts itself."
Hope you're feeling better soon.
ETA - love the other jokes!!
A hooker walks into H&R Block to get help filling out her income tax return.
As the CPA looks over the form, he notices "hooker" on the line marked for "occupation".
The CPA tells the hooker she can't put down "hooker" on the line since it's an illegal profession.
The hooker thinks for a minute and tells the CPA to put down "prostitute".
The CPA tells her he can't since "prostitute" is still an illegal profession.
The hooker thinks for a few minutes and finally tells the CPA to put down "chicken rancher".
The CPA looks at the hooker and asks why she came up with "chicken rancher".
The hooker replies, "Well, last year, I raised over 10,000 cocks."
ETA: 2 min 9 seconds too slow, how did I miss that?
Nah, that was a really odd, off the wall joke. Took me a second read before it sunk in.
Reporter: "Mr President, what is your opinion on Rowe vs Wade?"
Pres W: "I really don't care how those people get out of New Orleans, as long as they go."
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts! her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching, thinks this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Those are great! Ogre_4070 I hope you feel better soon!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
.At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were."
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
One of my friends wives obviously sent these to me by mistake, but I'm sure you ladies will enjoy them.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
~A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.
" The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled d! own the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3 x 2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.
Are you sure it was "by mistake"?
Two ladies were having lunch together and discussing the merits of Cosmetic Surgery.
The first lady says, ”I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job done.”
The second lady says, ”Oh that’s nothing! I’m thinking of having my arsehole bleached!”
To which the first lady replies, “Wow………I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde ……”
hehe I'm not blonde and I didn't get it for a second there either ...
Oh on the blonde topic I got a really cute/funny shirt the other day, on sale too hehe. It says "I had a nightmare I was a blonde" and I'm wearing one now that says "Brunette is the new blonde" they are both pretty funny and figured you gals might get a chuckle out of it. Cute shirts
Story to decipher....a pal told me "all the lil girls in HS kiss the mirror to 'leave their sign' So he and the janitor gather up the 'persons of intrest" and explain its difficult cleaning lipstick off the mirrors.SO their all gathered in the ladies room and they display the cleaning methoed :::::) the janitor showed them 2 save water he uses toilet water to clean everything saving on school cost, Including the mirrors.ROTFLMAO He'd heard the tactic used before before ny other the town principals.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
A = Almost Boobs...
B = Barely there.
C = Can't Complain!
D = Dang!
DD = Double dang!
E = Enormous!
F = Fake.
G = Get a Reduction.
H = Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
That reminds me of this joke:
A man walked into the lingerie department of a major department store and shyly approached one of the staff. “Excuse me,” he said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”
“What type of bra?” asked the saleswoman.
“Type?” asked the man. “You mean there is more than one type of bra?”
“Of course!” exclaimed the saleswoman. “Look around.” And she pointed to a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
“But actually,” she continued, “there are really only four types to choose from.”
Relieved, the man enquired about the four types.
The saleswoman explained: “There are Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian and Anglican types.”
Befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleswoman replied: “It is quite simple, really. The Catholic type supports the masses; the Methodist type lifts the fallen; the Presbyterian type keeps them upright and straight; and the Anglican type makes mountains out of molehills.”
Down in Houston.
My friend's son was getting married. My friend offered to let the bride wear his (deceased) wife's wedding band. Since it was a family heirloom, he wanted it appraised for insurance reasons.
Having a lady friend who was an expert jewler, he asked her to appraise it for him. She responded that her fee would be a lunch at a very nice local restaurant.
So, after lunch and coffee, he took out the ring in a nice velvet case, and handed it to his friend for an appraisal. She took out her jewler's loupe, studied the diamond for a couple of minutes, put it back in it's velvet case, and handed it back to my friend. They rose to leave... and overheard at the next table, "Geez! I've heard that these Texas women were tough, but that takes the cake!"
It has been determined, the most used sexual position
for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead...
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it.
I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only
get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going
to stay until your attitude changes."
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in
women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough. Now women will
no longer be able to complain that men are staring at their breasts
without listening to them.
A priest and a nun are on safari in the Sahara, when they get separated from the group. While searching for the group, the camel dies, and they run out of water shortly after that. While they're sitting there awaiting for death to finally come, the following conversation popped up.
Nun: Father it looks as if we're going to die. I have never seen a man naked before, and I would like to see a naked man before I die.
Father: Well as it appears that we're going to die I could grant your request
at that point the father disrobed and the nun saw the father's penis
Nun: Father, what is that between you legs?
Father: Well sister, this is my staff of life. I can create life with this.
Nun: Well fuck this camel in the ass and get us out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's not the way I thought that one was going to turn out.........
Here is one of my favorite nun jokes (oldie but goodie):
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
old dirty jokes......
What's red and white with seven little dents in it?
Snow White's cherry!
Two nuns walk into a bar..............
Woulda thought the first woulda noticed it
It is a little known fact that Eve was created before Adam.
She was wandering around the Garden of Eden wondering at everything... all the animals, insects, and even plants has 2 sexes... but she was alone, and also, had 3 breasts.
One day she asks God, "Why do I have three breasts? I have only 2 arms and cannot hold three children to nurse them."
"Hmmmm," said God, "I'll take care of that." A mighty thunderclap sounded and Eve's middle breast fell off.
She picked it up and said, "What shall I do with this useless boob?"
"Give it to me," said God, and with another thunderclap......
God created Man.
Nun jokes were my stock and trade growing up.......
My mom and three uncles were inmates in a Catholic school.
The middle brother, especially, prided himself on giving the penguins hell.
Ironically, however, I didn't get my favorite nun joke from my uncle. <scratches_head />
A woman was in a coma for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough, there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened - telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined ... no pulse, no heartbeat. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure... maybe she choked."
ETA: Doh! Accidentally hijacked my husband's username. Sorry, honey!
Three Womminz were at the OB-GYN one afternoon, talking about their pregnancies while waiting for their appointent with the doctor.
Redhead: "I was on top when we concieved so we're having a baby boy!"
Brunette: "Hmm... That must mean I'm going to have a little girl as we did it missionary style..?"
Hearing this, the blonde started to cry her eyes out. The other women came to her aid and asked her what was wrong. Between sobs the blonde said: "I going to have a PUPPY!!!"
Sister Mary woke up on her 76th birthday and started to complain of a "feminine" itch, so she went to a doctor. The doctor examined her, and told Sister Mary, "I'm sorry to tell you but you have crabs." Sister Mary responded that that was impossible as she was still a virgin. She went for a second opinon, and explained what the first doctor told her. Well he examined her, and told her "Sister Mary I have good news! You don't have crabs. I know what your problem is, your cherry is rotten, you have fruit flies!"
Two leprechauns knock on the door of a convent.
A nun answers the door and says “Can I help you?”
One leprechaun says “Excuse me, do you have any dwarf nuns?”
The Nun says “Why no we don’t”
Leprechaun turns to his buddy and says, “See I knew you screwed a penguin!”
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions
said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference --
pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master,"
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little
ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both
on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go
of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst
would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with
Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
Still in shock,
Not a joke, but I heard this today and snarfed...
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't
we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it's worked for over 200 years and, we're not using it anymore."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
YOU DON'T!!! There's a perfectly good clock over the stove...
What do Iraqi women and Hockey players have in common?
They shower every third period.
Why did God give wimminz 10% more brains than cows?
So you could play with their tits and not have them shit on the floor!
Gotta tag this!