Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
User Panel

Posted: 1/21/2001 1:46:54 PM EDT
well guys heres a chance to rack up some post. just start tellin some jokes.

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country
road in her new sports car when something goes
wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily,
she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up
to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the
farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday
night and my car broke down! I don't know what to
do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow
when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here,
but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed
and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two
men standing behind the farmer. She judges them
to be in the early twenties.

"Okay", she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the
woman begins to get a little horny just thinking
about the two boys in the room next to her. So
she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys,
how would you like for me to teach you the ways
of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get
pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She
puts them on the boys, and the three of them go
at it all night long.

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the
front porch, rocking back and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came
by here about forty years ago and showed us the
ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:50:28 PM EDT

Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and
sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at
the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Needless
to say, the woman is appaulled. The man notices
the boyfriend coming back so he returns to his
bar stool.

As the boyfriend sits down, his girlfriend tells
him frantically, "that man at the bar said he
wanted to suck my nipples raw." Well the
boyfriend gets pissed and stands up like he's
getting ready to beat the shit out of this guy.
"Hold on honey, there's more," the girlfriend

"What is it?!" the boyfriend asks.

His girlfriend says, "He also said he wanted to
fill my pussy up with Tequila and sip it out with
a straw." Her boyfriend then sits back down in
his seat.

Angrily, his girlfriend says, "Well aren't you
going to do anything?!?!?!"

Her boyfriend replies, "Honey, I'm not messing
with any man who can drink that much Tequila."

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:51:40 PM EDT

Two very elderly men were having a conversation
about sex:

1st: Yes sir, I did it three times last night
with a 30 year old!

2nd man: You're kidding! I can't even manage to
do it once! What's your secret?

1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole
wheat bread. I'm not kidding!

So the second old man rushed to the store.

Clerk: May I help you?

Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole wheat
bread, please.

Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get
hard before you're done!

Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this
except me?

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:52:33 PM EDT

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a
drink. "Get out" says the bartender. "I don't
serve drunks here".

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to
come back in through the side door. He sits at the
bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink. "I just
told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!".
The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the
side door and, comes back inside through the back

Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for
a drink. The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at
the drunk and yells "I told you, no drunks
allowed, now get out!!!". The drunk looks up at
the bartender and slurs "How many fuckin' bars
do you work at, anyway?"

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:55:05 PM EDT

When the ark's door was closed Noah called a
meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice.
"There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the
wetting of the tip of your penis.

All of you males, take off your dicks and hand
it in with my sons. I will be sitting over there
and write you a receipt. After we see land, you
can get your dicks back.

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his
wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he
said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the
window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked
out the window. "Sorry, no land yet."
"Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on
every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.

"What is the matter with you? You know it will
rain for forty days and nights. Only after the
water had drained will we be able to see land.
But why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look
on his face as he held out a piece of paper.
"I got the donkey's receipt !!!"

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:56:06 PM EDT

The night before a couple were about to be
married, they both were killed in a car
accident. They arrived in Heaven and asked
St. Peter if they could still get married.
The couple were called in to actually see God.

God spoke, 'I will grant you your wish. But not
right now. It may be a few days or a few years,
but I will allow you to be married.'

Five years came and went and the couple were
finally call upon to get married. After one day
of wedding 'bliss', they went back to God to see
if they could get a divorce. They were sure the
marriage would not last.

God spoke, 'It took me five years to finally get
a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much
longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!'

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:56:54 PM EDT

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery,
and passed by a headstone inscribed 'Here lies a
good lawyer and an honest man.'

The little boy read the headstone, looked up at
his mother, and asked 'Mommy, why did they bury
two men there?'

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:57:43 PM EDT
Q: How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS

A: It's the one with bite marks on the cap.

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:58:32 PM EDT
What's a woman and KFC got in common?

Once you've finished with the breasts and thighs
you've only got the greasy bucket to put your
bone in!

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:59:09 PM EDT

Possible Titles for Monica Lewinsky's Next Book:

Deep Inside The Oral Office

What Really Goes Down In The White House

Secret Services to the President

Going Down and Moving Up

How I Blew It In Washington

Me and My Big Mouth

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:00:27 PM EDT
Guy walks into a bar, says, "does anybody own
a six foot penguin?" Everybody goes no. He says,
"Oh my god, I just hit a Nun!"
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:01:34 PM EDT

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day,
and they both go before St. Peter to find out if
they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that
day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some
particular reason why she should go to heaven,
so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these.
They're the most perfect ones God ever created,
and I'm proud to own them.

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the
same question.

She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a
bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up,
and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that
all about? I show you two of God's own creations,
she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in
and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal
flush beats a pair any day."

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:02:42 PM EDT

From 15 to 20, women are like Africa - Part
virgin and part explored.

From 21 to 35, women are like Asia- Hot and

From 35 to 45, they are like the United States -
Fully explored and free with their resources.

From 45 to 55, they are like Europe - Exhausted,
but still interesting in places.

From 55 on, they are like Australia - Everybody
knows it's down there , but nobody cares very

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:03:22 PM EDT

Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off
the hinges and put it to the side every night
when he goes to sleep?

Because he's afraid someone would look through
the keyhole if he left it up

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:04:05 PM EDT

What do you call a smart blonde??

An oxymoron.

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:06:15 PM EDT

President Clinton was being entertained by an
African leader. They'd spent the day discussing
what the country had received from the Russians
before the new government kicked them out.

"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway,
and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and
play Russian roulette."

President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's not
a very friendly game." The African leader smiled.
"That's why we developed African roulette. If you
want to have good relations with our country,
you'll have to play. I'II show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six
magnificently built, nude women were ushered in.
"You can choose any one of those women to give you
oral sex," he told Clinton.

"Unreal," Clinton said, "But it doesn't seem much
like Russian roulette."

"Trust me!" he said. "One of them is a cannibal."

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:07:34 PM EDT

A guy goes to hell and the devil says to
him, "You see before you three doors
which lead to three separate rooms. You
must choose to go through just one and
you will spend the rest of eternity in
that room." Worried that he will choose
the wrong door, the man persuades Satan
to let him have a little peek behind
each door before making his final
decision. Behind the first door, everyone
is standing on their heads on a wooden
floor. Behind the second door everyone
is standing on their heads on a stone
floor. Behind the third door everyone is
standing in a room with manure up to
their ankles and drinking coffee. He
decided to choose the third. He tells
the devil his choice and is ushered
inside. A few moments later the devil
opens the door and shouts, "OK, coffee
break's over, back on your heads."

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:10:07 PM EDT

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a
drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if
he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three
in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar
for three darts.

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart.
A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on
wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two
more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand,
he lets go with the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won. The
bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle
from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the
drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders
more drinks, then announces he would like to try
the dart game again. To the total amazement and
wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores
three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and
a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give,
and he asks the drunk " Say, what did you win the
last time?"

And the drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on
a hard roll!"

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:11:32 PM EDT

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each
morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he
looked into his garden and saw that the hen had
laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, 'In my family we normaly solve
disputes by the following actions: I kick you in
the groin and time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in the groin and time
how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets
up quicker wins the egg.'

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,
he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his
nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually
the Englishman stood up and said, 'Now it's my
turn to kick you.'

The Scotsman said, 'Keep the damn egg.'

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:12:36 PM EDT

Two deaf people get married. During the first
week of marriage, they find that they are unable
to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off
the lights because they can't see each other
using sign language. After several nights of
fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs,
"Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one
time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over
and squeeze my right breast one time. "The
husband thinks this is a great idea and signs
back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to
have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis
one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and pull on my penis......fifty times."

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:13:43 PM EDT

There are five men flying on a plane. The pilot,
the president of the United States, Jessie
Jackson, the Pope, and a 12 year old kid. The
pilot warns the passengers that they have little
gas left. The pilot grabs one of the four
parachutes. The President says that he has to
lead the country. So, he grabs the second bag.
Jessie Jackson says that he has to lead the black
people and grabs the third bag. The Pope tells
the kid that he's had a long life and that the
kid should go because he has a long life ahead of
him. The kid says that there are still two
parachutes left. The Pope, in astonishment, asks
how. The 12 year old kid says that Jesse Jackson
took his backpack.

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:16:22 PM EDT

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to
each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The
Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if
he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer
just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game
is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if
I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.".

Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries
to get to sleep. The Programmer, now some what
agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer
you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer,
I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he
sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he
agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first
question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into
his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands
it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's
turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled
look. He takes out his laptop computer and
searches all of his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the net and
the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
e-mail to his co-workers - all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and
hands him $50.

The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away
to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more
than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and
asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his
wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away
to get back to sleep.

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:19:09 PM EDT
A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub
and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating
on the top of their mugs.

The Brit says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?"
and quietly removes the fly from his brew.

The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks
the fly away with a finger.

The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and
says, "Alright ya wee bastard. Spit it out.
Now!" ("Spit it out ya wee bastard!")

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:20:23 PM EDT

What do you call a brunette standing between two

An interpreter.

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:22:10 PM EDT

There was this little boy that lived in the
country.  One day he walked through a farmers
yard with duct tape under his arm, and the farmer
asked, "Where you going boy?"

The little boy answered, "I am going to catch me
a duck."

The farmer said, "You know, you can't catch a
duck with duck tape."

The little boy continued to walk on, and a little
later the boy came back through with 2 ducks
under his arm.  The farmer just looked at him in

The same boy came back through the same farmers
yard the next day with chicken wire under his arm
and the farmer asked, "What are you doing now

The boy replied, "I am gonna catch me a chicken".

The farmer said, "You can't catch a chicken with
chicken wire!"

The little boy continued on his way, and a little
later the boy came back with a chicken under his
arm and the farmer just stood in awe.

The same boy came through the same farmers yard
the next day with a bunch of pussy willows under
his arm the farmer said, "I am not gonna ask.  I
know what your going after, and I'm going with

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:23:08 PM EDT

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone

W.C. Fields

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:24:34 PM EDT
Did you hear about the accident at the army base?

A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 3:30:23 PM EDT
A tourist goes to Vegas. First night he wins $500. So he goes out and finds a hooker.
"I'd like a blow job", he says.
The hooker says, "$200."
"$200 for a blow job?! Thats outrageous!"
The hooker sys, "You see that BMW in the parking lot? I own that car, because I've got the best blow job in Vegas."
So he pays, and he is not disappointed.

Second night he wins $1,000. So he runs out and finds the same hooker.
"Tonight I'd like it Greek."
"That'll be $500. You see that condominium over there? I own that condo because I've got the finest ass in Vegas."
So he pays, and he's not disappointed.

Third night he wins $5,000. So he goes and finds the same hooker.
"Tonight, I think I'll just have me a little pussy."
"You see that shopping center over there?"
"Don't tell me you own that too??!!"
And the hooker says, "No, but I would... [size=4][b]if I had a [u][red]pussy[/u][/red]!"[/b][/size=4]
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 3:31:12 PM EDT
Just cracking yourself up aint ya?[shotgun]
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 3:44:56 PM EDT
Just cracking yourself up aint ya?[shotgun]
View Quote

Well, it appears to be open season for smut these days, and it is one of my favorites...[:)]
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 6:03:09 PM EDT
keep em comming  
that was a good one bigdb1 hehe

Link Posted: 1/21/2001 9:56:07 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/22/2001 9:14:54 PM EDT
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next
door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the
backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of

He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping
for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new
neighbor's house, he knocked and waited.

The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful
your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I
would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and
stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few
moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my
wife's breasts."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, the twin objects of desire hanging
free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face
against them in total ecstasy.

This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

Link Posted: 1/22/2001 10:07:30 PM EDT
You're locked in a room with a lawyer and a rattle snake. You have a handgun with 2 bullets, what do you shoot first?

You shoot the lawyer twice.
Close Join Our Mail List to Stay Up To Date! Win a FREE Membership!

Sign up for the ARFCOM weekly newsletter and be entered to win a free ARFCOM membership. One new winner* is announced every week!

You will receive an email every Friday morning featuring the latest chatter from the hottest topics, breaking news surrounding legislation, as well as exclusive deals only available to ARFCOM email subscribers.

By signing up you agree to our User Agreement. *Must have a registered ARFCOM account to win.
Top Top