Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!"
It must be raining out today.
Another bar joke:
MacDougal hobbles into the bar on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"Me god! Wha happened ta ye?" the bartender asked.
"I got in a tiff with O'Riley."
"O'Riley? Why, he's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. "He musta had somethin in his hand."
"That he did," McDougal said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't ye have anythin in yer hand, lad?"
"Aye, that I did--Mrs. O'Riley's left tit." MacDougal said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
A Baptist minister was seated next to a Navy Master Chief on a flight to
Memphis, Tenn. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Navy Master Chief asked for a scotch and soda, which was brought and
placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would
like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than
let liquor touch my lips."
The Navy Master Chief then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender notices that the pirate has a ship rudder wheel attached to his pants. For a while he tried to ignore it, but he can't contain his curiousity for long. He finally asks the pirate, "Why do you have a ship rudder wheel attached to your pants? Doesn't it bother you?"
The pirate responds, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
A pirate walks into the health insurance office. The agent begins asking him questions. First, the agent notices that the pirate has a hook on his wrist, a peg leg and a patch over his eye. The agent asks, "So, how did you lose your hand?"
"Arrr, we took over a ship, and I engaged in hand-tah-hand combat with the capt'n, and he takes a swipe and cuts me hand clean off, just before I run him troo."
"Wow, what a story. So, how did you lose your leg?"
"Arrr, that be a story. We were engaged in a close cannon battle, and a cannonball comes in and takes me leg clean off!"
"Wow. OK, one more question, what happened to your eye?"
"Well, I was lookin' up at the sky to figure the time a day, and a gull flies by and poops right in me eye!"
"It pooped in your eye? How did that cause you to lose it?"
"Arrr, well, ya see . . . t'was the first day I got me new hook."
Two Arabic men move to the US with their families and settle
into a prominent suburban neighborhood. The both make a bet
with each other to see who is the most Westernized in one
year from their arrival to the US.
A year later, they run into each other on the street. The
first one says "I picked up some Starbucks this morning on
my way to work. Dropped off my clothes at the cleaners and
got a movie at Blockbuster. My wife is picking up the kids
from soccer practice in her SUV and tonight we are having
McDonalds hamburgers while watching baseball on TV".
The second man looks at the first and says "Fuck You Raghead".
A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going
home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the
boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his
very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of
his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How
would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came
and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."
The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."
"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.
"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"
"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, ‘You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.’
Janet responded, ‘Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's ‘politically correct’ for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.’
Hillary asked, ‘Well,... how do you deal with the problem?’
‘Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.’
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolled over and asked, ‘Janet, is that you?’
Cleancut walks into a bar and orders ten shots of tequila.
The bartender pours the drinks, and Cleancut knocks them all back.
"Wow," says the bartender. "Celebrating something?"
"You betcha," says Cleancut. "Had me my first blowjob just a while ago!"
The bartender smiles and says "Well, in that case, let me pour you one more drink, on the house."
"Naw," Cleancut responds....
"After ten shots of tequila, I don't think one more shot will make the taste go away."
Very nice collection thus far.
OK, so this Irishman walks out of a bar, and . . .
. . . hey, it could happen.
A British man, a Japanese man and an American man were walking through the jungles of Africa when they suddenly found themselves surrounded by savages.
The three men were brought to the village, where the leader told them that for treaspassing on their land they would be put to death. He then explained that they could choose the manner in which they would die.
The British man requested a pistol. He pointed it at his head, screamed "God Save the Queen!" and blew his brains out. The savages proceeded to skin him and stretch his skin over a canoe frame.
The Japanese man requested a sword. He screamed, "Hajime!" and committed hari-kari. The savages then skinned him and stretched his skin over another canoe frame.
The American requested a knife. He took the knife, slashed himself up and down all around his body and yelled, "HERE'S YOUR F@$KIN' CANOE!"
An Asian guy takes his money to the currency exchange
to change dollars to his local currency so that he can send
He goes back the next week to do the same thing but notices that
he is given less foreign money for the same number of dollars.
On the third week, he goes to the place and is given even
less foreign money for his dollars.
This irritates him to no end so he says “Hey, I give you same
amount of dollars each time but you give me less and less Chinese
money. Why you do this?”
The lady behind the window just rolled her eyes and said “Fluctuations”,
to which the Asian guy angrily replies “Oh yeah? Well fluck you Americans too!!!”
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss
I not come work today, I really sick.
I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt.
I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel like this I go to
my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything
better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I
do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.
You got nice house."
A guy stands up in a bar,
"All lawyers are assholes!" he yells.
"I resent that!" says a voice in the back.
"Are you a lawyer?" the first guy asks.
"No," says the guy in back. "I'm an asshole!"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give
wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways
going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best
thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war
determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw
to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change
clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Oh yeah, well two married OH ions were arguing, and one says to the other, "Why do you have to be so negative?
Two cows walk into a bar. One says "Guess what happened to me today??? I was artificially inseminated!"
The second cow responds "Oh no...I don't believe you...are you serious?"
The second replies "I certainly am....no bull!"
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite
blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you
call for me?"
The man replies "No. What do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads
him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly
pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man
lumbers out of the steam room toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart,
it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him
around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by
the smiling, naked receptionist.
"May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once
a month but I fart 15 times a day I'm outta here!"
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!", "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for one day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking boat?
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around the
penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the
weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the
shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we
try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our
little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow!" she said wide eyed "Your penis has grown 12 inches ??"
"No" he replied, "But it did turn black."
A guy walks into a pet shop. The owner welcomes him to his establishment and begins explaining to the customer where he can find the various animals he sells. The guy kindly tells the owner he's just checking things out... looking for something that his girlfriend might like. The owner obliges him and allows the man to peruse.
As the guy walks down the bird isle he see a large cage with a parrot perched on a swing. He walks to closer hoping he might hear the parrot speak. When he gets a few feet from the parrot's cage the parrot says, "Hey... you."
The guy looks around, sees nobody near him but still responds, "Me?"
The parrot says, "Yeah you."
The guy replies with a smile, "Yes?"
"Fuck you." says the parrot.
The man, shocked by the parrot's foulness, runs to the front of the store and tells the owner the parrot in the back just said "fuck you". The owner apologizes profusely and explains to the man how that particular parrot has been a problem for him and swore it would not happen again. Infuriated, he then marches to the back of his store, opens the cage, grabs the bird, and begins shaking it, and squeezing it, and flicking its beak all the while yelling at the bird to stop insulting customers or he'd kill the bird without batting an eye.
The guy leaves. Being the only pet shop for miles he returns the next day, intent on finding a cute and fluffy gift for his girlfriend in hopes of getting a little more action. He enters with a smile and the owner notices him immediately and promises he will not have the same problem again. The man nods and continues walking toward the back of the store.
As he approaches the parrot's cage again he hears, "Hey... hey you."
The man knows the parrot is talking to him this time and replies, "Yeah what?"
"You know what."
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American
engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and
a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is
three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farmer. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof!
With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can
come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the
Genie's eye, ! there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more
about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high,
500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in
or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer said, "Fill it with water."