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11/22/2017 10:05:29 PM
Posted: 9/4/2004 7:28:47 PM EST
Husband to wife: I sure would like a little pussy.

Wife to husband: So would I. Mines as big as a hat!

Link Posted: 9/4/2004 7:35:34 PM EST
What's a Jews ultimate delima?





­

B­acon for a penny a pound.
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 7:40:04 PM EST
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella??



For the Drizzle
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 7:43:00 PM EST
How do you practice eating out a fat woman?



­

Suck warm mayonaise through steel wool.

Don't ban me.


- BUCC_Guy
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 7:43:51 PM EST
Sexual true story.

One day I asked this pipefitter if he ever turned down "any"?

He said "hell no. The only thing I ever turned down was a little one armed colored boy and I turned him face down"!
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 7:57:33 PM EST
Christmas Wish
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Mexican Earthquake
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Mexico.

Two million mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and teh government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did th emexicans win no medals in the olympics?

because if they can run swim or jump they're here..

Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:02:04 PM EST
What's 4 miles long and goes 1 mile an hour?

­

<­BR>


Mexican funeral with 1 set of jumper cables.
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:02:08 PM EST
My girlfriend told me she was dumping me because I was a pedophile.

<­BR>
I told her that I didn't realize they learned big words like that in 3rd grade.
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:03:11 PM EST
Why are arabs a lot like a game of pool?

­

<­BR>

The harder you hit them the more english you get.
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:04:16 PM EST
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

­

<­BR>

Nothin­g you already told her twice
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:07:18 PM EST
[Last Edit: 9/4/2004 8:07:36 PM EST by Jeeper21]
A man goes to his doctor and says "I want to know what it is like to be a Polock"

Doctor says: Well, that means we'll have to remove half of your brain.

Man says: I don't care, I want to know what it feels like to be one.

Doctor performs the surgery and after they are done he wakes the man and says: Theres been a problem, we wherent able to remove half of your brain, we were only able to remove a quarter of it......


The man says.....

<­BR>Que?

Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:10:01 PM EST

Originally Posted By Orion_Shall_Rise:

Mexican Earthquake
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Mexico.

Two million mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and teh government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!




That is the best one yet.
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:15:22 PM EST

Originally Posted By Jeeper21:

Originally Posted By Orion_Shall_Rise:

Mexican Earthquake
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Mexico.

Two million mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and teh government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!




That is the best one yet.



That would not even put a dent in number of them over here.
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:19:12 PM EST
Whats the difference between sgtar and a refridgerator?



­

Fridge don't fart when you pull your meat out .
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:21:49 PM EST
[Last Edit: 9/4/2004 8:22:03 PM EST by Jeeper21]

OMG!
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:34:17 PM EST
OK...TRUE STORY.

I'm a 19 yr old E-3 on my way to some TDY training at FT ORD back in '82.

I fly into SanFransico and have a couple of hours lay-over before my connecting flight.

I'm in my class-A's and hungry so I head for the food court to get somethin' to eat.

I get to the counter and order a Pepsi and some Oreo's. While I'm waiting for my order I buy a newspaper.

Order's up and I head for the tables.

The food court is SLAMMED with passengers and I search high-and-low for an empty seat. Finally I spot one and rush to sit down.

As I'm sliding into my spot I notice that the person sitting opposite from me is a Marine Major-General!!!! (Fu*K ME! lol)

Oh well, we're both in the service so, he'll "probably" be "Cool".

I throw all my crap down on the table and start reading the front page of the paper after giving the General a quick "Garry Owen SIR!" (1st CAV' 'till the end!!! lol)

I'm reading whatever the hell is on the front page when I hear this "sound"..........a sound that is distinct in its timbre and was instantly identified by me........."That SOB just opened MY package of cookies!!!!"

I S-L-O-W-L-Y drop my paper and watch as the general withdrawls a cookie from my package and...staring me in the eye the whole time, puts it in his mouth!!!! I retreat behind my paper. A minute later I hear the same sound again and..(After lowering the paper) see him eating ANOTHER of my cookies! (Son-of-a-bitch!)

OK I figure, I've had the misfortune of sitting across from the worlds biggest A'Hole and I just have to deal with it. I pull the paper back up and figure...screw that jerk, if he needs to F*CK with a little Army E-3 to feel like a "Stud" who cares? He can eat all the cookies he wants.

This attitude lasted about 3 min's for me. The more I thought about it the more pissed I got and finally I figured "Screw this dude! I'm not gonna let some Marine treat me like a punk, enlisted or not!"

So....Next time he ate one of my cookies I reached over and pulled a cookie out of the pack and ate it while looking at him. He looked like he wanted to pull the chair he was sitting on out of its mount and cave my head in with it! (What an A-HOLE!!!)

I thought, GEE, you're a General officer and you want to F*CK with some little E-3 in the middle of an airport to feel like a "Big-Guy". Well, FU SIR! lol

So, for about 10 min's we went back and forth. He ate a cookie and then I ate a cookie (I HAD to stand-up for the Army after all!). A coule of times I thought he was gonna deck me (You KNOW when someone's at that point).

At some point there was an announcement over the loud-speaker and the General got up and gathered his stuff together. On his way past me he "Fed" me some serious elbow and I remember thinking "Well you stupid jerk!, here some little kid (ME!) failed to fawn all over you 'cuase you had the stars and you hit him in the chin with your arm....A-Hole!

About 10min's LATER my FLIGHT GETS CALLED AND I START PICKING-UP my stuff.

I pick-up my paper and soda and notice that there....underneath my paper is MY package of Oreo cookies! LOL! No SHIT! Un-opened! LOL!

I like to think I'm the subject of some pretty good stories lol!

"Did I ever tell you guys about the little balsy Army kid that ate my cookies!?" LOL!!!
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:45:18 PM EST
[Last Edit: 9/4/2004 8:49:39 PM EST by DK-Prof]

Originally Posted By Treadhead:
OK...TRUE STORY.

...






... there's an almost identical story (takes place in a train station, not an airport - but otherwise is the same) in a Douglas Adams book written quite a while ago ... it was in "So long and thanks for all the fish" book published in 1984.

You should sue that guy for stealing your story!


Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:56:51 PM EST
"THE BLACK PANTIES"

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: "What's with this, a black condom?" He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 8:59:33 PM EST

Originally Posted By BUCC_Guy:
How do you practice eating out a fat woman?
Suck warm mayonaise through steel wool.
Don't ban me.


- BUCC_Guy



ohh dude that was so fucking nasty, I'm not gonna sleep well tonight
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 9:06:45 PM EST

Originally Posted By Mmanwitgun:

Originally Posted By BUCC_Guy:
How do you practice eating out a fat woman?
Suck warm mayonaise through steel wool.
Don't ban me.


- BUCC_Guy



ohh dude that was so fucking nasty, I'm not gonna sleep well tonight



My friend vomited in a pizza joint over it.

I save it for such special occasions.

- BG
Link Posted: 9/4/2004 9:24:07 PM EST
hurm... and here I thought the best "fat woman" joke was...

flip through the folds until you smell shit then go back one......

I am gonna have to remember yours..... pretty dam good....
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 12:00:57 AM EST
Ok, I'm ashamed to admit I dont get the fat chick, steel wool, warm mayonaise thing. Or maybe this is a good thing...

Can anyone explain it, perhaps?
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 12:21:36 AM EST

Originally Posted By Jeeper21:
Ok, I'm ashamed to admit I dont get the fat chick, steel wool, warm mayonaise thing. Or maybe this is a good thing...

Can anyone explain it, perhaps?




Well... it is kinda hard to explain... uhh... you ever been "downtown"?

- BG

Link Posted: 9/5/2004 12:25:27 AM EST

Originally Posted By BUCC_Guy:


Well... it is kinda hard to explain... uhh... you ever been "downtown"?

- BG




You mean eating pink taco? Why, yes, yes I have.
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 12:45:20 AM EST

Originally Posted By Oregon-AR:
hurm... and here I thought the best "fat woman" joke was...

flip through the folds until you smell shit then go back one......

I am gonna have to remember yours..... pretty dam good....



Or rolling her in flour and aiming for the wet spot
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 1:36:35 AM EST
A Father comes home from work and finds his wife waiting for him in the driveway .
He knows this can’t be a good thing so he asks ....

What’s wrong Honey ?

She Replies .. I just found out Your 14 year old Son had sex with his teacher !

The Father says .. Don’t worry I know how to handle this , and he goes in the house to
talk to the Son . He finds the Boy and says .. Son , your Mother tells me you had sex with your teacher . He goes on to explain that sex is a natural thing that happens between two people that have romantic feelings for each other , and that while there is nothing wrong with it when your old enough . He knows that the Son is too young , and that when it does happen it should be with someone closer to his own age . Then the Father says he knows this is true because when he was in school he too had sex with his teacher , and can understand how it can happen .

The son agrees that it was a mistake and that he will never do it again . Then he says .. Dad can I ask you one question ??

The Father says sure Son , you can ask me anything .

The Son thinks for a second and asks .. Dad … When you had sex with your teacher . How long did it take for your ass to stop hurting !!
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 1:54:40 AM EST
Little Red Indian boy ask's his dad one day, "How do we Indian's get our names?"
Father says, " when you're born, I go outside the tepee and name you after the first thing I see"
"How do you mean?" say's the son.
"Well", the father say's, "when your first brother was born, I looked outside and the first thing I saw was a sitting bull, so I named him Sttting Bull.
When your second brother was born, I looked outside and saw a running bear,so I named him Running Bear.
And when your third brother was born, I looked outside and saw a lone wolf, so that's how he got his name."
"Oh", said the little boy.
"Anyway", said the father, "Why do you ask, Two Dog's Fucking?"
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 2:15:33 AM EST
[Last Edit: 9/5/2004 2:15:55 AM EST by basketcase]
This guy lived in the city and he had and uncle that lived in the country , so the guy thought he would go visit his uncle. So the guy drives out there to stay for a night and when he gets there his uncle had lunch ready , his uncle hands him a plate and the guy look at it and said hey uncle are you sure these plates are clean they have some sort of filmy substance on them. His uncle says their as clean as cool water can get them , so the guy says well ok then and they eat .

Later that night his uncle made dinner and they sat down to eat and the guy saw that same filmy stuff on the plate , and said are you sure these are clean and his uncle said again their clean as cool water can get them. So they got done eating and went to bed. That morning the guy got up and got his stuff to head back home , he said good bye to his uncle and got in his car and was going to back out but he saw there was a dog in his way. He yelled uncle come get this dog its in the way , so his uncle calls the dog...

<­BR>He yelled COOL WATER get over here!!!
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 2:25:18 AM EST
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 6:24:31 AM EST

Originally Posted By chrome1:
A Father comes home from work and finds his wife waiting for him in the driveway .
He knows this can’t be a good thing so he asks ....

What’s wrong Honey ?

She Replies .. I just found out Your 14 year old Son had sex with his teacher !

The Father says .. Don’t worry I know how to handle this , and he goes in the house to
talk to the Son . He finds the Boy and says .. Son , your Mother tells me you had sex with your teacher . He goes on to explain that sex is a natural thing that happens between two people that have romantic feelings for each other , and that while there is nothing wrong with it when your old enough . He knows that the Son is too young , and that when it does happen it should be with someone closer to his own age . Then the Father says he knows this is true because when he was in school he too had sex with his teacher , and can understand how it can happen .

The son agrees that it was a mistake and that he will never do it again . Then he says .. Dad can I ask you one question ??

The Father says sure Son , you can ask me anything .

The Son thinks for a second and asks .. Dad … When you had sex with your teacher . How long did it take for your ass to stop hurting !!




Ouch !!
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 7:07:05 AM EST
What's the 1st thing a woman does after she gets out of the battered womans shelter??

­


The goddamn dishes if she knows what's good for her.
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 7:25:04 AM EST

Originally Posted By DK-Prof:

Originally Posted By Treadhead:
OK...TRUE STORY.

...






... there's an almost identical story (takes place in a train station, not an airport - but otherwise is the same) in a Douglas Adams book written quite a while ago ... it was in "So long and thanks for all the fish" book published in 1984.

You should sue that guy for stealing your story!

LOL! I think that things older than half the people here but it's a goody



Link Posted: 9/5/2004 7:31:50 AM EST
Laura marries Jeff at age 18 and has six kids with him, then Jeff died. A year later she met Bill and got married to him, and had 10 kids before he died. A few months later she met Matt and had another six kids with him bfore he died. Finally Laura died of old age, and at the funeral, the priest remarked that they were finally together. Puzzled one of her kids asked the priest which father he meant. The priest replied, "I MEANT HER DAMN LEGS!!!!!!"
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 7:35:29 AM EST
I dont have any good one but I got to tag this.
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 8:14:09 AM EST
Tread, I was in Fort Ord from '85-'88!

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other, you drive, i'll shoot.
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 2:42:30 PM EST
The New Priest
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest
suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand... and try saying things like "yes, I see," and "yes, go on," and " I understand."
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.


The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit...what happened next?"
Link Posted: 9/5/2004 2:59:06 PM EST
Long joke short:

An Arab diplomat walks up to Pres. Bush and asks "Pres. Bush... I have just seen a TV show called "Star Trek" and I noticed that there is an Asian, and African, and a White man.... why is there no Arab man?"


Pres. Bush smiles and says "Well, sir, that is because Star Trek takes place in the future."


- BG
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