Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
Member Login
Site Notices
9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 6/28/2001 10:05:02 AM EDT
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth; so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay." replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kind of slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you're either a politician, an attorney, or possibly upper management. "
Link Posted: 6/28/2001 10:11:21 AM EDT
Sweet
Link Posted: 6/28/2001 10:25:22 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/28/2001 4:53:54 PM EDT by ARChoo]
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his bunker wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Boudreaux down at the Fred's Lounge in Mamou. I'm callin' to told you we officially declarin' war on you!" "Well, Boudreaux," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Rat now," said Boudreaux, (hesitating) "there is me, my cousin T-Nom, my nex door neighbor T-Boy, and the whole bunch from the bar. That makes us eight!" Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Kee-ough!" said Boudreaux. "I gots to call you back later!" Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We got us some war equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux?" Saddam asked. "Well, we got us two combines, a dozer, and a farm tractor." Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke." "Poo-yie!" said Boudreaux. "I gots to get back to you later." Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, da war still be on! We got ourselves some airborne! We've took T-Cat's utra-light glider an we put us a shotgun in the cockpit, and Nonk got outs of jail today and he is gonna join our army too!" Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Ah-yie-yie!", screams Boudreaux, "I gots ta call you back later." Sure enough, Boudreaux calls again the next day. "Bon jour, Sad-damn! I gots to toll you we is callin' off dis war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Boudreaux, "we all had a long talk at the bar an Shariff Wayne Morgan says no way he's gonna feed two million prisoners."
Link Posted: 6/28/2001 10:45:06 AM EDT
Originally Posted By ARChoo: Saddam Hussein was sitting in his bunker wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Boudreaux down at the Fred's Lounge in Mamou. I'm callin' to told you we officially declarin' war on you!" "Well, Boudreaux," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Rat now," said Boudreaux, (hesitating) "there is me, my cousin T-Nom, my nex door neighbor T-Boy, and the whole bunch from the bar. That makes us eight!" Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Kee-ough!" said Tros. "I gots to call you back later!" Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We got us some war equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux?" Saddam asked. "Well, we got us two combines, a dozer, and a farm tractor." Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke." "Poo-yie!" said Tros. "I gots to get back to you later." Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, da war still be on! We got ourselves some airborne! We've took T-Cat's utra-light glider an we put us a shotgun in the cockpit, and Nonk got outs of jail today and he is gonna join our army too!" Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Ah-yie-yie!", screams Boudreaux, "I gots ta call you back later." Sure enough, Boudreaux calls again the next day. "Bon jour, Sad-damn! I gots to toll you we is callin' off dis war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Trosclair, "we all had a long talk at the bar an Shariff Wayne Morgan says no way he's gonna feed two million prisoners."
View Quote
lolololol!!!!!
Link Posted: 6/28/2001 4:57:41 PM EDT
BTT.. too damn funny
Link Posted: 6/28/2001 5:03:40 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/28/2001 6:16:30 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/28/2001 6:38:02 PM EDT
[img]http://www.theaskguys.com/%7Epics/gold.gif[/img]
Link Posted: 6/28/2001 7:11:38 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/28/2001 7:19:10 PM EDT
A cop pulls over a man for speeding. The cop askes to see his drivers licence. The man say "I don't have one, they took it away after my last DUI" The cop askes to see the registration. The drivers says "It's not my car, I stole it, but I think I saw some papers in the glovebox when I put my gun in there" The cop say "you have a gun in the car!!!" The driver says "sure. I used it to kill the lady I took the car from. Her body is in the trunk" The cop calls for backup. The supervisor get there and asks the driver for some ID. The driver hands him his drivers licence. The supervisor askes for the registration. The driver reaches into the glovebox, no gun, hands him the registration. The supervisor is puzzled. He askes to look in the trunk. the driver pops the trunk. No body. The supervisor says "sir I dont understand, my officer told me you had no licence, a stolen car, a gun that you killed the owner of the car with, and her body in the trunk, whats going on? The driver says "I suppose that lying son of a bitch said I was speeding too?"
Link Posted: 6/28/2001 7:22:20 PM EDT
Man, some of these jokes are a little long winded. Also, anybody got something funny?
Link Posted: 6/28/2001 8:10:39 PM EDT
This ones a little old, and I'm not current on the beer slogans, but here goes: A lawyer, judge, and policeman are sitting around a campfire drinking beer. The lawyer drinks down his Bud, throws the can into the fire and says "this Buds for you". The judge drinks his Miller Lite, tosses the can and says "It's it, and that's that". The policeman polishes off his Old Milwaukee, tosses the can, pulls out his gun, shoots the lawyer and the judge, and says "It doesn't get any better than this."
Link Posted: 6/29/2001 5:17:25 PM EDT
Two atoms were walking along. One said "I think I lost an electron!" The second one says, "Are you sure?" First one "I'm positive." Nyuk, nyuk. Norm
Link Posted: 6/29/2001 5:29:56 PM EDT
This family from Maine was visiting Quebec when they saw some kittens for sale. The children begged and begged, and the parents broke down and bought all three kittens. "What are their names?" the kids asked. "We named them Un, Deux, and Trois. We're very unimaginitive." So the American family took their French Canadian kitties home with them. They lived by a lake and let the kitties play on the frozen surface. But as spring drew closer, the parents told their kids not to let the kittens play on the lake. "The ice is rotten and they could drown!" Unfortunately, the kids ignored their parents' orders, and one warm spring day while the kittens frolicked, the ice broke, and Un, Deux, Trois cats sank.
Link Posted: 6/29/2001 5:47:01 PM EDT
A gentleman goes to a chinese optomatrist, he tells the guy you have catarack, the man say's no I have a Lincon
Link Posted: 6/29/2001 5:51:54 PM EDT
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results. Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up. We have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab,the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible news." Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?" Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimers disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which one is your wife's test results." Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over? Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once. Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
Link Posted: 6/29/2001 5:53:42 PM EDT
Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that, since Hell is full, Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. He will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell. Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!" The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile parts in a large pool of dirty water. Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so," The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically. "Very well," says the Devil. "Monica, you can leave now!"
Link Posted: 6/29/2001 5:56:59 PM EDT
Some interesting little-known facts for you to peruse when you have time... Subject: facts If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig...How'd they figure this out, and why?) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home...maybe at work? Still can't get over that pig thing) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times if intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? Did taxpayers pay for this research??) Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, ask them?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?) A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...)(Well, at least pigs get a break there..) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez, that's almost as bad as catfish) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.) After reading all these, all I can say is...........Lucky Pigs.
Link Posted: 6/29/2001 6:09:07 PM EDT
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F*CK OFF!", the dog ate him!"
Link Posted: 6/29/2001 6:43:10 PM EDT
A heart specialist doctor died and at his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge heart. When the priest finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened,the coffin rolled inside,and the heart closed. Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked:"Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "Whats so funny about that" "I'am a gynecologist."
Link Posted: 6/29/2001 7:05:31 PM EDT
Q: What is a dislexic, agnostic, insomniac? A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Link Posted: 6/29/2001 7:23:10 PM EDT
A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows." "We went to look for them, and while I was rooting round I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made a very big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
Link Posted: 6/29/2001 7:24:45 PM EDT
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, " Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far about three hundred gallons... but a lot of folks are still siphoning".
Link Posted: 6/29/2001 7:29:56 PM EDT
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head."
Top Top