Heard this one today... may be old but here goes.
How are Michael Jackson and a grocery sack similar?
They are both made of plastic and are hazardous to small children...
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately,
one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.
A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"
They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.
They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30,
and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.
Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next
week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning.
Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband,
who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to
the left, golf left-handed."
One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"
She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."
SALE! - at Michael Jackson's house!
boy pants - half off !
How many DUers does it take to tile a bathroom floor?
Only two, if you slice them thin enough...
A guy and his wife are watching tv. A special about the watusisu tribe comes on. They explain that as a rite of passage each watusisu male ties a small rock to the end of his penis with a small lenght of rope. When the male reaches 18 years of age his penis measures 18 inches. The guys wife looks at him and suggests that he should try it. He has no objections so they go find him a medium sized rock. A couple weeks go by and the woman realizes that she hasnt had any marital interactions with her husband for a while. She calls him at work and asks him how its coming along.
He says "Well it looks like we're halfway there."
She says "You mean, its 9 inches long now?" with great excitement.
He says "No, but its black".
Micheal Jackson is on a cruise liner that is going down. Jackson, the Captain and the 1st Mate are on deck getting ready to get in a lifeboat. Half of the people are still below deck, especially alot of kids. The Captain says, "get your ass in the life boat, we don't have much time." The 1st mate says, "But what about the kids?"
The Captain replies "Fuck the kids, get in the lifeboat"
Jackson replies with a grin on his face "Damn We have time?"
why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
because there are twenty of them!
Whats the diff between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon,
And Michael Jackson fucks little boys in the ass
Q: What's "black-white" and purple?
A: Michael Jackson's dick after a slumber party with a bunch of 6 year olds
Q: What is the most difficult thing to get out of little boys underwear?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup!
Q: Why is Michael Jackson addicted to pain killers?
A: To stop him from going OW! OW! OW!
Q: What's the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson?
A: Well, one's an artificial piece of trash that can harm little children,
and the other is used to hold groceries.
Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!
Different degrees of blondeness
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief She takes the gun and puts it to her head The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house Ransacked and burglarized. She
telephoned the police at once and The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
The squirrel from hell
Many of you know that I am an avid motorcyclist and have been riding both personally and as a cop for more years than my children have been breathing.
But have I ever told you the story of The Squirrel of Death?
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!
Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it - it was that close.
I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet.
He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home.
No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.
TORQUE. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in... well... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of... so to speak.
Picture a new scene.
You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.
I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back).
I really would have.
Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing.
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves.
And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
A little kid stands before the judge as the decision of which parent the boy will live with after the divorce is made.
Judge says, "Little boy, we're going to send you to live with your mother."
The little boy cries, "No your honor, please, please. My mother beats me!"
Judge says, "Ok, we'll send you to live with your father then."
The little boy cries, "No your honor, please, please. My father beats me too!"
The Judge asks, "Well, who do you want to live with?"
The little boy says, "The Miami Dolphins, sir."
The judge asks, "Why the Miami Dolphins?"
The little boy says, "Because the Miami Dolphins don't beat anyone!"
Why does Michael Jackson have a boys underwear wrapped around his arm?
It's a patch, he's trying to quit.
You're BAD. But that's funny as shit......
JOU HAVE YUST RECEIVED A MEXICAN BIRUS!!!!!
SINCE WE NOT SO TECHNOLOGICALLY ADBANCED IN MEXICO,
DIS IS A
PLEASE DELETE ALL THE FILES ON JOUR HARD DRIVE
JOURSELF AND SEND
E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.
TAN JOU POR YELPING ME.
JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODIRGUEZ GARCIA PORTILLO
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded
Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the
Battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt
once in a while too
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise &semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex &anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What Do You Call Kids Born In Whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts
South Brooklyn Tony
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on South Brooklyn Tony.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then South Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which South Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
South Brooklyn Tony ON MATH
South Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
South Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH
South Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY! says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, South Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
South Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
South Brooklyn Tony, thinks fo r a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on South Brooklyn Tony.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
South Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER
South Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
South Brooklyn Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
South Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business