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Posted: 9/28/2005 9:18:11 AM EDT
This came up in another thread and was really off topic for the thread it was posted in. I want to keep the ball rolling, please submit your own if you think of something. Here's the original:

Gun shows are where the real action is. There's one this weekend and I can't wait to go. Even if I don't find a deal it's always entertaining. I need to start keeping score. I've got some basics of my scoring system worked out already:

overhearing "This knife has a blood groove" - 5 points
overhearing "M16 was made to wound people" - 20 points
overhearing "the SKS will shoot through schools/mountains/Hillary Clinton's ankles" - 20 points
any sign or sticker reading PRE BAN!!!!! - 50 points
beat up S&W 29 next to a picture of Dirty Harry for $1500 - 20 points
Anarchist Cookbook - 15 points
expired gas mask with opened, expired filters - 20 points
.30-30 lever action with scope "sniper rifle" - 50 points
Chinese ACORG/AYMEPOINT scope knockoff for $39.95 - 30 points - 10 points bonus if mounted on a blackpowder revolver
decent custom 10/22 for $5000 - 50 points
the blowgun guy in the corner shooting balloons with a blowgun ALL DAY LONG - 20 points
actually eating a $5 soybean cheeseburger at the snack stand - 15 points
actually talking to the $5 chinese survival knife guy - 10 points per minute
talking to the $50 chinese switchblade "kit" guy - 20 points - no bonus for buying one, you're just out 50 bucks.
$300 deer antler handle, engine turned blade, laced leather sheath custom knife guy - 20 points - 50 bonus points if his wife does the really bad scrimshaw of wolves and indians on the butt of the knife
450 pound guy dressed like a Marine - 30 points - 200 bonus points if you kick his ass.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:21:41 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/28/2005 9:24:04 AM EDT by LattimerII]


You left out the guy who's always in the back selling swords with dragons on the handles. You know the guy, lecturing some 16 year old kid on how he can use a huge 6 bladed brass knuckle monstrosity for self defense.

I didn't make this up. I really overheard this!

(moved to this new thread also)
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:24:15 AM EDT
beef jerkey guy
the wonder welding sticks that weld aluminum
beanie babies
the black t shirtted/buzz cutted staff of a class III dealer with all post dealer samples
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:27:08 AM EDT
Browsing the jewelry booth....10points......Minus 75points if you buy any.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:27:43 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/28/2005 9:28:53 AM EDT by LattimerII]
Oh yeah, I forgot used VHS and DVD guy. He usually has a revolver or two for sale also. I guess that's how he gets a table.

Going to gunshow and leaving with "Sleepless in Seattle" ....... -50pts
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:28:46 AM EDT

Originally Posted By HarryStone:

any sign or sticker reading PRE BAN!!!!! - 50 points

Customers who fail to realize several classifications of "preban" still exist among imports and that Colt collectors still collect "preban" Green and Blue label Colts - 1,000 POINTS.

Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:29:34 AM EDT
Knife-sharpener guy
Jewelry washing lady
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:30:58 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/28/2005 9:37:09 AM EDT by rebel_rifle]
You also forgot:

Kettle corn

Blow guns

Ninja swords and associated gear

People who have actually bathed in the last 3 days

Tatoo guy

Knife guy with Chicoms finest

Turkey call guy

Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:33:55 AM EDT
What about the guy doing the home-kit re-bluing demo on a piece of crap revolver. Turns it from crap to heirloom in five minutes. Then everyone scatters when he asks who wants to buy.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:34:22 AM EDT
50 points if you ask a guy where the SAW style hooked buttstock on the AR (the only rifle on his whole table) came from and he says "This... Is a special AR-15; it's a rapid fire heavy barrel squad fire suppression gun..." (Sorry, the last part got feint because I walked away)

I'd love to hear from other MI members who saw this strange example of a gun (Birch Run Fun show early last year)... I almost wonder if it was an alphabet agency plant. They wanted big money for it but it wasn't Class III. It was a HBAR with a Beta C-Mag, a bipod and the neato buttstock, which was the only part of it I was interested in...
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:40:52 AM EDT

Originally Posted By LattimerII:
Oh yeah, I forgot used VHS and DVD guy. He usually has a revolver or two for sale also. I guess that's how he gets a table.

Going to gunshow and leaving with "Sleepless in Seattle" ....... -50pts

That's the funniest thing I've heard all week! The sad thing about it is that I've seen those tables at gun shows. The video covers look like someone has carried them around all day in their pockets.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:44:41 AM EDT
I feel I should add to the list the guys in full BDUs "recruiting" for their militia. I've seen these same redneck honchos more than once. Their shoulder patches usually contain the Confederate flag in some form or another. This may be just a Southern thing, I don't know.

Also, the lady with all the fake silver jewelry. There's always one of those.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:45:16 AM EDT
How about 20 points for an ass-hole on a "Rascal"?
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:47:32 AM EDT
I love the magic weld aluminum stick guy.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:49:58 AM EDT
you forgot the "nazi memorabilia" guy with nazi daggers, medals, hats, helmets, insignia
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:50:51 AM EDT

Originally Posted By SteyrAUG:

Originally Posted By HarryStone:

any sign or sticker reading PRE BAN!!!!! - 50 points

Customers who fail to realize several classifications of "preban" still exist among imports and that Colt collectors still collect "preban" Green and Blue label Colts - 1,000 POINTS.

Doh. I'm not a collector so I wouldn't know that, sorry. +100 points for adding some real information to an otherwise silly thread. I'll make up the points somehow.

Goth kid in Marilyn Manson t-shirt buying throwing stars - 20 points
tracking paint all over the show after stepping on loose paintball - 15 points
buying a pakistani lockback just so you can give it to knife sharpener guy - 30 points
crossbow pistol - 20 points - 50 points with laser sight
AMT Hardballer long slide on top of picture of Arnold - 30 points
water softener table - wtf? - 50 points
photocopied Duncan Long books - 25 points
camo duck gun with nascar "3" sticker on stock - 60 points
holster guy with 700 holsters except the one you need - 20 points
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:56:19 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/28/2005 9:57:22 AM EDT by SouthHoof]
What no points for talking to the reproduction Nazi memorabilia guy or asking the Beanie Baby lady "how much for a dozen of your targets?"

eta: doh! late by six minutes
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 9:57:51 AM EDT
All gun shows are the same.

Shitty prices for shitty firearms/accessories and a whole bunch of non-firearm related shit that no one wants.

I don't go anymore.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:01:03 AM EDT
Wearing a shirt that Say "Brady Campaign" on it to the gun show - 200 points.

Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:01:28 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Punani:
Knife-sharpener guy
Jewelry washing lady

Hey, he fixed the nick in my spyderco. I happen to use his services quite a bit, beats spending an hour sharpening my own blades.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:02:09 AM EDT

Originally Posted By onemangang:
How about 20 points for an ass-hole on a "Rascal"?

Any bonus points for running into more than 1 per aisle?
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:04:39 AM EDT

Originally Posted By HarryStone:
This came up in another thread and was really off topic for the thread it was posted in. I want to keep the ball rolling, please submit your own if you think of something. Here's the original:

450 pound guy dressed like a Marine - 30 points - 200 bonus points if you kick his ass.

Extra 20 points if he was "Force Recon". I've yet to meet one who wasn't.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:06:56 AM EDT

Originally Posted By AssaultRifler:
beef jerkey guy
the wonder welding sticks that weld aluminum
beanie babies
the black t shirtted/buzz cutted staff of a class III dealer with all post dealer samples

Saw that guy at the last show.... along with the sign that says no touchie unless you have police/LE credentials.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:07:01 AM EDT
Man our gun shows up here must suck, I don't see half of what you guys have listed!
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:08:15 AM EDT
How many points for Airsoft table w/ demo range?

How many points for wooden rubberband gun table w/demo range?
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:10:02 AM EDT
Don't forget the lady selling the scuff-repair stuff for eyeglasses. She hijacks your sunglasses for a "Free" cleaning and then holds them hostage while she rubs parafin wax dyed with food coloring onto the lenses and spends 5 minutes wiping it off until she badgers you into buying a jar of that shit for $2.00 (by that time you'd pay $2 just to get your glasses back.)

BAD RELOADS! Don't forget the jerk who tries to deduct his Dillon reloading equipment on his income taxes by making Frankenstein kaBOOM ammo in plain white boxes and selling it at gunshows.

What about the BATFE table?
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:12:37 AM EDT
How many points for "accidentally" tripping and knocking over the Hot Sauce guy's display?

Did anyone mention the guy who had eight tables of stuff displayed, but none of it is for sale?
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:13:52 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/28/2005 11:42:49 AM EDT by akethan]
The Hell Fire trigger guy with the hot chicks using it.

The fat ass that wastes dealer's time having him field strip a rifle he has no intention of buying.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:15:47 AM EDT

Originally Posted By HarryStone:
any sign or sticker reading PRE BAN!!!!! - 50 points

Hey, some of us live behind enemy lines, so the words mean quite a lot to some of us!

Oh, and you forgot the swiss army knife guy selling used Swiss Army knives for the same price as new ones.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:19:54 AM EDT
+1,000,000 for going "Darth Vader" on an asshat, and having the entire episode witnessed by another ARFCOM member!
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:25:10 AM EDT
there's always the guys that will ''throw in'' the little wooden dowel piece ''stand'' if you are ''looking to get into'' one of the guns there.

gun shows here are like the perfect cross section of society......same with the lines at any local dairy queen.

the armpits of our nation can be found at your local ''armory'' gun show! (i love when they throw that in the title.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:27:29 AM EDT
I've only been to a handful of gun shows but here in Florida (pinellas county / tampa area) I must say I think I've seen _EVERYTHING_ listed here, except the goths here actually buy firearms, not just chinese stars hinking.gif

I guess I can consider myself privilaged?

Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:30:39 AM EDT
How about the "corn stove" guy?! Doesn't have any at the show for sale- special order only. And he is usually there in the summer; corn stove a blazin'. Really pisses off the beef jerky guy and knife sharpener that are next to him.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:31:25 AM EDT
How about points for actually buying somethig from the "anything in this bucket for a dollar" junk box, extra points for being able to identify it.

Points for the people wearing cammies and speaking different languages huddled in a group in the middle of the aisle.

Points for the people walking around with some walmart special slung over their shoulder with a piece of paper taped to their shirt with an exorbitant price tag.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:37:22 AM EDT
last couple of shows the truck bedliner guys showed up too, Rhino linings, tool boxes, that type of stuff.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:39:43 AM EDT
Then there is the completely torn/worn out/sweat soaked/fubar Used Police Equipment Guy.

Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:43:39 AM EDT
Oooh, what about the One Single Cute Girl, Likely Brought In To Increase Sales? 15 points for her.

25 points if she's surrounded by trench coat wearing, shaved headed pimply faced guys with freshly purchased Dragonuv type stocks for their SKS' under their arms.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:44:29 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/28/2005 10:44:54 AM EDT by HardShell]
$99 trigger-guard-laser-sight/$199 hand-powered-night-vision-monocular guy...

C'mere and watch this here video!
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:45:33 AM EDT
How many points for the guy wearing a full Vietnam era army uniform with all the correct SF patches and green beret, problem being that he can't be older than 25 lol
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:48:03 AM EDT
A new one for me at the last show - A guy with a sign explaining that it was a conspiracy crime to try and not pay sales tax.

Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:51:01 AM EDT
How much for…

The gunshow whore? How much if she is with her Biker/Cowboy boyfriend?

The crazy Mil. Surp. guy that has more of a museum of worthless Mil. gear.

The old dude trying to hand out the anti .gov material (no matter who is running the .gov)

The gangsters that just finished the blunt asking every dealer if ‘dat is da Gat’

The guy with NDF Glock mags for $55 each.

The Glock guy doing “$35.00 Trigger jobs”
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:51:46 AM EDT
How many points would I get for bringing an Iranian friend of mine complete with turban and Quran to whisper in my ear while I help him choose a rifle? It'd almost be worth the $12 just to see the reaction.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:52:49 AM EDT
Nascar booth guy.

UN Conspiracy booth guy.

Although my favorite (really) is the tables with tons of pistols lined up, all cabled together that you can fondle without getting hassled.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:55:53 AM EDT

Originally Posted By SPTiger:

Also, the lady with all the fake silver jewelry. There's always one of those.


silver is like 6 bills an OZ.
There is fake silver????
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:56:41 AM EDT

Originally Posted By HarryStone:
camo duck gun with nascar "3" sticker on stock - 60 points

Thats damn funny!!
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 10:59:59 AM EDT

Originally Posted By BluDragon:
Nascar booth guy.

UN Conspiracy booth guy.

Although my favorite (really) is the tables with tons of pistols lined up, all cabled together that you can fondle without getting hassled.

Yep, that table is good. I like to look at all of the guns he has laid out. Did you see him at the Costa Mesa show?
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 11:11:55 AM EDT
I get all the others but whats up with the blood grooves part? I dont get this. is someone telling someone else that I knife has blood grooves when in fact it doesnt? 'Blood grooves' is a term given to cuts along the flat of a knife or sword blade to strengthen the blade and possibly lessen weight. Kinda like fluting on barrels. Blood sometimes has a tendancy to flow into these grooves when someone or somthing is stabbed (as long as the blade is held right) but the grooves dont exist for blood flow but to strengthen the blade and possibly lessen weight.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 11:21:58 AM EDT
I guess im just lucky. The gun show I go to regularly isnt all that bad. Yeah there are a few oddball tables but for the most part its guns,guns,guns. And the prices arent bad at all. No one tries to scam anyone saying that the ban isnt dead and in fact at the first show after the ban they had up signs and were handing out fliers so that shoppers would know what was available with the sunset and what wasnt. I have seen a lot of good deals at this show and a minimum amount of BS. as an added plus, a grumpy old Class 3 dealer that used to yell at people who touched his post samples finally broke down and practically begs people to come over and touch his stuff. He has short barrel AR's uzi's (the full auto kind) and submachine guns of many different types including a P90 and an hkmp5SD.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 11:23:40 AM EDT
Rubber band gun booth
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 11:26:08 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/28/2005 11:30:03 AM EDT by niceguymr]
What about the guy that sells 'soft' cases for everything imaginable? I'll admit I've bought a few things from him before. He'll always lower the price just by asking.

And the guy that sells those bump-fire trigger systems...

And the 'ammo can' guy...

And the guy that sells those 'pager' holsters...

Oh, and how many times do you get asked if you have a CCW (You know... that way they know if you'll be taking the gun home today or not)?
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 11:29:00 AM EDT
Swindle's Guide to Gunshow Character's:

Steve: Steve specializes in t-shirts that say things like "from my
cold, dead hands", "bomb squad: if you see me running you'd better
catch up", and "I shot terrorists in Iraq and all I got was this lousy
t-shirt". He also has a massive amount of over-priced beef jerky for
sale at his table. Steve is usually too distracted taking people's
money to be rude, polite, or even notice you unless you're handing
money to him while walking off with a t-shirt or package of jerky.

Clyde: Clyde has used guns with more rust than finish and if you look
closely you might be able to see rifling in the barrel. These guns are
priced $200 over what the guns cost when they were brand new and in
decent condition. Clyde will be personally and deeply insulted if you
offer anything less than what the price tag says, even though he
hasn't made a single sale at the last three shows because his
merchandise is worthless crap.

Billy: Billy is thirteen years old and at his first gun show with his
dad. He's the one with the baseball cap and the bugged out eyes
constantly exclaiming "WHOA, COOL! WOW! AWESOME!" Billy will one day
have a firearms collection the size of a national guard armory to go
along with his position as chairman of the NRA.

Bubba: Bubba is a tactical mall-ninja commando in mismatched camoflage
from three different countries and patches, rank insignia, and
reproduction medals from every branch of the military and a few that
don't exist. He will try to corner you and tell you a story about the
time he was flying F-22's in 'nam for the USMC SEAL team and then
served as a space shuttle door gunner for a top secret mission to
Afghanistan. If asked for proof of his exploits, all of his records
are either classified or burned down with the building shortly after
he retired at the age 29. Alternatively, he'll ask what gun you're
buying and proceed to go into a long story about why that gun is a
piece of crap and how his .223 caliber rifle that he may have bought
from Clyde can blow a deer in half from a mile away with his
special-made custom bullets that he makes in his basement. Bubba does
not take the hint when you ignore him and will only leave when he
finds someone else to latch onto and talk their ears off.

Rick: Rick is an awesome dealer whose table has three of everything
you could ever want and they're all at a fair price. Unfortunately,
you won't find Rick until after you've bought the same thing for twice
what he's asking at another table.

Thelma: Thelma is a little old woman who may have been alive when
Lincoln was president. She will be carrying an older firearm that
belonged to her recently departed husband that she wants to sell
because she has no use for it and no idea of its actual value. This
firearm will likely be worth enough to buy a decent car with and she
will try selling it to the nearest dealer to the door, usually Clyde.
Clyde will offer $50 while barely concealing his cackling delight at
finding such a sucker, while a dozen show attendees will run at Thelma
screaming "NONONONONONONO!" and trying to stop her before she
completes the transaction. Most of them will be honest and either
inform her as to the actual value of the gun or direct her to a dealer
that will give her more money for it.

Mike: Mike is an elderly man wearing a vest with VFW pins all over it.
His table specializes in collectible coins and reproduction Nazi
memoribilia for WWII collectors. He's an honest dealer but he's also
stone deaf and has no idea what you're trying to buy.

Dave: Dave doesn't actually sell guns and hates Mike with a passion.
He sells army surplus camo, police holsters, pepper spray, combat
boots, kevlar flak jackets from the 70's, and American WWII
memoribilia. He hates Mike because Mike actually sells off his
merchandise while Dave's only gets man-handled by potential customers
and then dropped back on the table.

Louis: Louis specializes in American-made handguns. Despite the high
price tag, you can always get a good deal from Louis because
everything is negotiable and he's a good guy. Unfortunately, Louis is
in the convention center restroom with explosive diarhea, creating a
stench that is almost but not quite enough to make attendees buy
surplus gas masks from Dave before entering. Louis' wife Susie is
running the table in his absence. Susie has absolutely zero interest
in guns, the convention, or the customers. Susie will not negotiate
prices and could care less whether or not you buy anything from the

Lorretta: Lorretta makes more money than any other vendor at the show.
This defies rational logic since her table is covered almost
exclusively with Beanie Babies, home crafts, and copies of Better
Homes and Gardens from the mid-1980's. At a gun show. On the plus
side, she does sell excellent peanut brittle and pecan chewies.

George: George sells older shotguns and bolt-action rifles. He
displays open contempt for anyone who buys a so-called "assault
weapon" or a handgun that was made after the 1940's and will glare at
you if you so much as dare mention that just possibly the Second
Amendment wasn't intended exclusively for deer and duck hunters. More
than likely he will loudly declare that "the only reason to own one of
those things is to kill people!" Then he'll cuss at you and tell you
to get away from his booth if you ask if that's why the police own so

Burt: Burt sells "assault" rifles, semi-automatic handguns, and class
III weaponry almost exclusively. He also has a stand of books and
magazines such as the Army Field Manual FM21-76: Survival, Soldier of
Fortune, How To Build a Nuclear Bunker, and Unintended Consequences.
Unlike many of the people wandering the show clad in camo, Burt
actually knows what he's talking about and can tell you the exact
manufacturer, factory, and the day it was built of any gun you mention
or show him, entirely by memory, and give you a detailed history of
that particular model of firearm that would impress the historian at
the Smithsonian's armory section. People tend to think of Burt as
being psychotically paranoid, especially about the government, but you
have to admit he's making more and more sense as time goes on. Most of
Burt's customers either scare you or make you envious.

Hank: Hank sells knives, swords, spears, crossbows, chainmail, and
other archaic items. He makes nearly as much money as Lorretta,
despite the fact that most of his merchandise is over-price stainless
steel crap you can find at pawn shops and flea markets for a third the

Tom: Tom is wandering the convention grounds desperately looking for a
very specific firearm. Unfortunately for Tom, he passes about ten
vendors selling the exact item he's looking for without noticing and
finally finds one for sale at Clyde's table. He goes home and ends up
hating his purchase and sells it for less than half of what he paid
for it. Six months later, he finds the gun he's looking for that
doesn't look and perform as if it were run over by an armored column
and goes home with tears of joy.

Ryan: Ryan has to sneak his new, hideously expensive super awesome gun
into the house because if his wife finds out he bought yet another gun
instead of making a car payment she'll kill him. Thus, he manages to
look simultaneously ecstatic about his purchase and sickeningly
nervous as he walks out into the parking lot.

Omar: Omar is an enthuisiastic target shooter who is thinking of
getting his first "assault" rifle as a fun purchase. Unfortunately, he
immigrated from Iran ten years ago and half the show attendees keep
looking at him funny and wondering how quickly they could get the
zip-ties off of their guns and have them in working order if they had
to. The glares intensify as he makes his purchase and nervously heads
out the door with it.

Jose: Jose is a member of the local street gang/drug cartel down town.
He can't buy firearms because of his prior six felonies, so he has his
latest girlfriend come with him and buy "herself" whichever gun he
points out. This will invariably be a cheap-as-dirt and
as-reliable-as-the-French-army pistol like a Tec-9 or Lorsen.
Whichever dealer Jose's "baby mama" tries buying the gun from will
skepticly raise his eyebrow at her and tell her to come back when she
isn't dating a dipshit with pantyhose on his head.

Michelle: Michelle is obsessed with "assault" weapons and eager to add
to her growing collection. Each vendor she meets tells her that
whichever gun she tries buying isn't what she wants and then
patronizes "the little lady" by selecting a tamer, more
politically-correct firearm and telling her that that's exactly what
she needs. Many then proceed to hit on her, despite the fact that she
brought her boyfriend along to carry heavy things.

John: John learned everything he knows about guns from television and
despite believing everything Feinstein, Boxer, and the DNC say about
firearms and the people that own them has decided to get one of his
own. After staring in bewilderment at an incredible array of firearms
that he never imagined in his wildest dreams, he finally finds one
that looks both cool and still politically-correct and pays more than
it's worth. He ends up being thrown out of the show for
muzzle-sweeping half the attendees and trying to load it on the spot.

Jerome: Jerome is a media hitman out to sensationalize guns, violence,
and rednecks. Vendors look at him suspiciously while he takes pictures
and asks oddly-phrased questions while his buddy with the tape
recorder stands nearby pretending to look at guns. Jerome will later
go home and either misquote everyone or quote them out of context
while declaring that guns should be banned. He will later receive a
literary award for writing such an excellent, balanced, and fair

Oswald: Oswald is a typical FBI/ATF agent. Cleverly, he approaches
vendors and openly invites them to engage in illegal activity. Because
they're too stupid to recognize entrapment when they see it and
they're all criminals anyway. Oswald will avoid keeping an eye on
Omar, Jose, or the black guy with the gold teeth and tattoos who just
got a Tec-9 and smells suspiciously of marijuana. That would be racial
profiling. Oswald will later randomly follow one of the vendors or
attendees home and have them arrested for suspected gun trafficing,
confiscate their firearms and any other personal possessions of value,
and harrass them for the next two years in order to meet quota.

Jake: Jake is an asshole vendor who goes out of his way to piss off
potential customers and rip them off. Jake is too stupid to realize
when to back off and completely fails to understand that if you knock
a guys cigar out of his mouth and assault him he WILL go Darth Vader
on your ass.

Tommy: Tommy is your stereotypical black gangbanger. He calls every
handgun either a Glock or a gat, refers to magazines as clips, and
makes loud hooting sounds to get the vendor's attention and ask "how
much fo' da the glock-fotey?" He eventually walks out with a Tec-9 and
proceeds to frighten nearly everyone in the parking lot when he and
his fifteen homies climb into a rusted-out Caddy with spinners and
peel out while the sound system pumps out more bass than a heavy metal

William: William is not your stereotypical black gangbanger. He's
black, but well-dressed and makes a higher income than most of the
people attending the show. He has never fired a gun in his life and
does not own any ammunition. His only reason for being at the show is
to complete his collection of Browning Hi-Powers that he keeps in
glass display cases at home. William receives more dirty looks and
suspicious glances than Tommy.

Gunny: Gunny is older than dirt but well-preserved. He walks with a
slight limp, cusses at the drop of a hat, and speaks more loudly than
necessary. Gunny is intent on finding a USGI M1 Garand and an M-14
clone and will gladly let you know that the M-16 is a jam-o-matic
popgun and that the U.S. should never have used it to replace the M-14
as the main battle rifle.

Charles: Charles is English. This is his first time at a gun show that
he decided to visit just to see what they're like. Despite his fears,
prejudices, and pre-conceived notions, Charles actually finds himself
enjoying the convention and becoming fascinated with the broad variety
of weaponry on display. Then Bubba spots him.

Erney: Erney is a uniformed police officer supposedly providing
security for the convention. In practice, however, he spends most of
his time fondling other people's guns at the door or hitting on
Michelle while her boyfriend is standing right there. Erney is
oblivious to anything Jose or Tommy say or do.

Carl: Carl is an elderly man who couldn't weigh 90 pounds soaking wet.
Despite this, he is asking each vendor about a massively heavy,
large-caliber firearm and seems disappointed that no one at the
convention is selling such hand-held artillery. Burt has five of them
on display, but Carl is too nervous to approach his booth. He pauses
in the middle of conversations and seems confused for a moment before
starting over again with the same questions. Eventually he wanders
home and falls asleep watching reruns of Matlock.

Joe: Joe is not a licensed dealer, but somehow he always end up with a
bunch of guns in his arms that he walks around the aisles with trying
to convince attendees to buy for more than they're worth. The vendors
don't like Joe but say nothing as more often than not he ends up
getting cornered by Bubba for most of the convention and is therefore
kept out of their hair.

Willie: Willie is the stereotypical redneck who fondles each and every
gun at the table before picking one, inevitably some sort of
man-portable cannon. Willie, while sighting down the barrel at the
ceiling, will make an offhand comment about how he really shouldn't
buy the gun because he might get pissed and shoot his neighbor. This
will result in the dealer quietly setting the gun back on the table
and telling him to have a nice day. Willie, oblivious, moves on to the
next table and does it all over again.

Smitty: Smitty specializes in BB guns, paintball guns, and airsoft
that try to look like the real thing. Smitty has BB-firing MAC-10's
$399 TODAY ONLY" and camo fatigues that might conceivably be able to
blend in with something if you were trying to hide in a crate of
bananas. Smitty's battery-operated full-auto airsoft AK-47 costs more
than the real thing.

Ray: Ray is like Bubba, except ten years younger, slightly less
overweight, and hangs out at Smitty's table for nearly the whole
convention. Like Bubba, he makes up bullshit as he goes, but his
fantasies consist almost entirely of the time he single-handedly slew
the evil Iron Commandos from Chicago single-handedly while the rest of
his squad cowered in fear behind him. Later, both the female members
of the squad joined him for a three-way makeout session to properly
thank him for saving them all from being hit with yellow plastic

Sarah: Sarah is everything a man could ever want in a woman and knows
it. Using the power of her body, she entices each and every male
passing the booth to stop for a look- and maybe take their eyes off
her low-cut blouse long enough to hand her money for something,
anything, that she happens to be selling. Sarah will rebuff every
attempt to get her phone number while still remaining seductive. Erney
will have to forcibly remove Ray from the booth twice.

Wallace: Wallace sells every magazine to every gun known to man.
Unfortunately, Wallace seems to think the ban is still in place if the
$40 AK 30-rnd magazines with the 30% finish and dents are any
indication. Most of his NIB stock is from USA or similar low-quality
companies and the used magazines cost nearly as much the guns they go

Henry: Henry goes to every convention and recognizes each of the
regular attendees. He will inevitably bump into one of these regulars
in the middle of the aisle and stop to loudly catch up on the events
that occurred within the last week, blocking all passage down the
aisle. If asked to please step out of the way, Henry will sway a few
inches to one side or the other while keeping his feet planted and
without slowing down his animated conversation with whatever poor soul
he has cornered this time.

Cletus: Cletus is the size of a Volkswagen and the same general shape.
Despite the fact that he is wide enough to single-handedly block
traffic on any aisle he occupies, he always seems to have a
thirty-foot radius of clear space around him. Likely this is because
he smells like cheese formed in the socks of a French soldier in the
trenches of WWI. Any vendors selling gas masks will coincidentally
demonstrate them for Cletus and leave them on until he ponderously
makes his way to the next table. Cletus never seems to buy anything
but asks a lot of questions.

Rufus: Rufus is an escapee from an anime or sci-fi convention, usually
in costume. He knows absolutely nothing about guns and is willing to
share that complete lack of information with anyone patient enough to
listen to his filibusters. He inevitably ends up swapping bogus
stories about guns with Ray and Bubba before spending fifteen minutes
working up the courage to approach Sarah's booth and buy a
cool-looking stainless steel dagger the size of a cat or small dog.

Sgtar15: Sarge is getting up there in years and quite possibly insane,
but everyone at the convention loves him. He makes his way around the
convention with a cardboard box labeled "Sgtar15 Productions" and full
of vintage G.I. Joes he finds at various tables. A lovable character,
he manages to creep out many of the gun show attendees nonetheless.
The only gun related item he will buy is a brick of .22lr ammo
"because of my bad back".

Greg: Greg knows little about guns but knows what he likes. What he
likes is the biggest fricking caliber they can put in a gun without
killing the person firing it. Greg absolutely loves his BFG revolver
in .45-70 and his Barret M82A1 that he fires from the shoulder. Greg
can sometimes be seen wearing a sling on his arm and trying to sell a
carbine chambered for .577 Tyrranosaurus.

Jason: Jason is a class III fanatic. Grenade launchers, mortar, RPG's,
machine guns, he's into it. Unfortunately for Jason, the only class
III dealer at the convention is an asshole who won't let you even
touch a single thing on his table, even non-firearms, unless you work
for a police or government agency. Jason dislikes being glared by the
class III dealer until he leaves the table and goes home to bitch
about it on the internet.

Enrique: Enrique does not speak english. He speaks some form of
spanish that remains incomprehensible even to those who took a course
in college. Enrique becomes angry if you ask him to speak english or
say you don't understand spanish and acts as if he doesn't know what a
4473 is if you hand him one. Enrique suddenly has to leave the
convention when Steve walks past wearing an INS t-shirt.

Daric: Daric is a college student out to buy his first evil black
rifle. Unfortunately, Daric is on a budget and has decided to build
his own AR-15 from parts since that will be more affordable. Those
Hesse lower receivers look nice and would go great with that Vulcan
upper receiver he saw at the gun store last week. Daric will later
discover his folly in purchasing firearms from shady third-party

Winston: Winston sells AR-15's but will glare at anyone who asks if he
has lower or upper receivers in stock and loudly tell them that no, he
does NOT sell receivers and never will because everyone who buys a
lower or upper receiver is a criminal building an illegal gun and the
AWB prevents dealers from selling them anyway. Argument with Winston
is futile, as is informing him that the ban ended. Winston has an
ongoing feud with the two dealers selling AR-15 receivers on either
side of him.
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