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Posted: 8/28/2015 7:08:11 AM EDT
So I'm sitting here drinking my coffee and thinking about something I was discussing with a friend yesterday, and I'm curious to see how GD feels about this.



Generally when speaking on the topic of "rushing" things in a relationship, it's usually given as reason for a failed relationship or that it will cause the relationship to fail.  It's always been my belief that rushing the "i love you," or rushing moving in together, or etc ultimately means fuck all in the grand scheme of things.  Either that relationship is going to fail or it isn't, and those things might only serve to speed that failure date up but I don't think it causes it.



What do you guys think?
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 7:11:37 AM EDT


Rushing means "Let's lock this down before my crazy comes spilling out! Hurry, I don't have much time!!!"


Link Posted: 8/28/2015 7:11:55 AM EDT
Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:
So I'm sitting here drinking my coffee and thinking about something I was discussing with a friend yesterday, and I'm curious to see how GD feels about this.

Generally when speaking on the topic of "rushing" things in a relationship, it's usually given as reason for a failed relationship or that it will cause the relationship to fail.  It's always been my belief that rushing the "i love you," or rushing moving in together, or etc ultimately means fuck all in the grand scheme of things.  Either that relationship is going to fail or it isn't, and those things might only serve to speed that failure date up but I don't think it causes it.

What do you guys think?
View Quote


I agree.

Link Posted: 8/28/2015 7:13:25 AM EDT
I'd say it depends on the people.

But too much too fast is a real thing.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 7:13:41 AM EDT

Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By Mech2007:






Rushing means "Let's lock this down before my crazy comes spilling out! Hurry, I don't have much time!!!"





View Quote


Yeah, on some level I'd have to agree.  Seems like every chick that I've let rush things ended up being batshit insane.



 
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 7:16:08 AM EDT

Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By c7aea15:


I'd say it depends on the people.



But too much too fast is a real thing.
View Quote


I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.



 
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 7:22:39 AM EDT
Rushing it means someone still has stuff going on that the other doesnt know about.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 7:26:11 AM EDT
"Lets not Rush things"



Most of the time means, "I don't want to have sex with you right now, stop asking"!
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 7:26:46 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By ar154all:
Rushing it means someone still has stuff going on that the other doesnt know about.
View Quote


This right here.  She rushes too quick on ya, bail.  To be fair, I'm sure there are guys out there like that too - or probably more the opposite, quick to bail.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 7:53:09 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:

I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.
 
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Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:
Originally Posted By c7aea15:
I'd say it depends on the people.

But too much too fast is a real thing.

I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.
 


The mutual rush can be problematic too. New relationships are exciting, intoxicating. Taking it slow lets your excitement come down and let's the hormones normalize. You stop being 'on your best behavior'. Then you can better see if you'll be compatible over the longer term, once the new has worn off.

Waiting avoids mistakes made while one or both partners are 'in love with love'.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:01:03 AM EDT
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By BigeasySnow:


The mutual rush can be problematic too. New relationships are exciting, intoxicating. Taking it slow lets your excitement come down and let's the hormones normalize. You stop being 'on your best behavior'. Then you can better see if you'll be compatible over the longer term, once the new has worn off.

Waiting avoids mistakes made while one or both partners are 'in love with love'.
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Originally Posted By BigeasySnow:
Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:
Originally Posted By c7aea15:
I'd say it depends on the people.

But too much too fast is a real thing.

I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.
 


The mutual rush can be problematic too. New relationships are exciting, intoxicating. Taking it slow lets your excitement come down and let's the hormones normalize. You stop being 'on your best behavior'. Then you can better see if you'll be compatible over the longer term, once the new has worn off.

Waiting avoids mistakes made while one or both partners are 'in love with love'.


Well said.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:02:17 AM EDT
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By Mech2007:


Rushing means "Let's lock this down before my crazy comes spilling out! Hurry, I don't have much time!!!"


View Quote



BINGO!!!   Everyone I've knows that's a little "off" (guys and girls) seems like when they meet someone, their main goal is to rush into moving in/getting married ASAP.  9 times out of 10 this is because they are nuts, and they are afraid the other person will see this and bail....so they try to rush stuff and get them locked in.

When you start dating someone, and a week later they are telling you that they "love" you, and two weeks later they are talking about kids, and 3 weeks later they are talking about getting married......time to bail!!!!!
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:04:12 AM EDT
Moving in together should come after marriage. People have their priorities all mixed up these days.

"Trial marriages" don't have a good track record.

Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:11:05 AM EDT

Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Originally Posted By Storm_Tracker:


"Lets not Rush things"



Most of the time means, "I don't want to have sex with you right now, stop asking"! You used way too much chloroform last night.

View Quote


repaired



 
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:19:46 AM EDT
Rushing in a relationship generally does not bode well.
And I don't believe in love at first sight either.
Lust at first sight I very much do.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:21:44 AM EDT

Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:


So I'm sitting here drinking my coffee and thinking about something I was discussing with a friend yesterday, and I'm curious to see how GD feels about this.



Generally when speaking on the topic of "rushing" things in a relationship, it's usually given as reason for a failed relationship or that it will cause the relationship to fail.  It's always been my belief that rushing the "i love you," or rushing moving in together, or etc ultimately means fuck all in the grand scheme of things.  Either that relationship is going to fail or it isn't, and those things might only serve to speed that failure date up but I don't think it causes it.



What do you guys think?
View Quote
Rushing with the right one doesn't hurt.

 



Rushing with the wrong one makes you in deeper when it fails.  So, up to and including divorce, but also living together, buying big ticket stuff together, trying to raise one another's kids, etc.  




If more people admitted they just needed to get laid the world would be a better place, and cops would have less to do with many fewer DV calls.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:22:12 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/28/2015 8:22:59 AM EDT by sixnine]
Rushing isn't what causes the fail. Incompatibility does. If both people were on the same footing emotionally with each other they would be moving forward at the same speed and direction, neither would be dragging the other at a speed or direction the other didn't want to go. It's called unequally yoked, there might even be a biblical reference to it too, it is an analogy for relationships.

Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:23:06 AM EDT

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Originally Posted By sixnine:


Rushing isn't what causes the fail. Incompatibility does. If both people were on the same footing emotionally with each other they would be moving forward at the same speed and direction, neither would be dragging the other at a speed or direction the other didn't want to go. It's called unequally yoked, there might even be a biblical reference to it too, it is an analogy for relationships.



Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile
View Quote


Well said.



 
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:23:50 AM EDT
In my experience you pretty much know right away.

There's sparks right then and there.

If there's not, there probably won't be.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:26:17 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By AlexanderA:
Moving in together should come after marriage. People have their priorities all mixed up these days.

"Trial marriages" don't have a good track record.

View Quote


LOL, no.  Marrying someone without really living with them is putting the cart before the horse.

For me it's friends>dating>live together>marriage.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:29:42 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By verticalgain:


LOL, no.  Marrying someone without really living with them is putting the cart before the horse.

For me it's friends>dating>live together>marriage.
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Originally Posted By verticalgain:
Originally Posted By AlexanderA:
Moving in together should come after marriage. People have their priorities all mixed up these days.

"Trial marriages" don't have a good track record.



LOL, no.  Marrying someone without really living with them is putting the cart before the horse.

For me it's friends>dating>live together>marriage.

I've done it both way and both ended in divorce.

The one where we lived together before marriage lasted 19
and the one where we didn't live together prior lasted 1.

Had we lived together I am relatively certain I would've noticed the
glasses of vomit left in vaious places around the apt.  
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:36:01 AM EDT
Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:
So I'm sitting here drinking my coffee and thinking about something I was discussing with a friend yesterday, and I'm curious to see how GD feels about this.

Generally when speaking on the topic of "rushing" things in a relationship, it's usually given as reason for a failed relationship or that it will cause the relationship to fail.  It's always been my belief that rushing the "i love you," or rushing moving in together, or etc ultimately means fuck all in the grand scheme of things.  Either that relationship is going to fail or it isn't, and those things might only serve to speed that failure date up but I don't think it causes it.

What do you guys think?
View Quote


LOL. I was just saying something about this yesterday.
I absolutely believe it can make people "jump the gun" and that it leads to bad decisions.
I don't think you can REALLY get to know someone in 6 or 8 months.  It doesn't mean every relationship where people got married one month after meeting them fails, it just means that they don't know that much about that person until long afterward.

In my own experience I was engaged at about 9 months out.  After my divorce I realized that was one of the reasons I never saw some of the true incompatibilities we had was because I'd not waited long enough.  I think the true colors were always there, but that I just didn't give them time enough for me to truly recognize them as such.  I think people want to be "in love" so much that they rush and ignore potential warning signs of incompatibility, and that they do it because in the beginning some relationships have a high level of chemistry.  What's really bad is when you have chemistry and it has fizzled to the point you realize you're not really that compatible.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:37:30 AM EDT
We were dating 4 years before getting married. I think we did good waiting that long.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:37:47 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By BigeasySnow:


The mutual rush can be problematic too. New relationships are exciting, intoxicating. Taking it slow lets your excitement come down and let's the hormones normalize. You stop being 'on your best behavior'. Then you can better see if you'll be compatible over the longer term, once the new has worn off.

Waiting avoids mistakes made while one or both partners are 'in love with love'.
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Originally Posted By BigeasySnow:
Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:
Originally Posted By c7aea15:
I'd say it depends on the people.

But too much too fast is a real thing.

I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.
 


The mutual rush can be problematic too. New relationships are exciting, intoxicating. Taking it slow lets your excitement come down and let's the hormones normalize. You stop being 'on your best behavior'. Then you can better see if you'll be compatible over the longer term, once the new has worn off.

Waiting avoids mistakes made while one or both partners are 'in love with love'.


This is the same exact phrase I used yesterday in my conversation.  "Letting the new wear off".  
Do we share the same DNA?
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:44:21 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:

I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.
 
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Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:
Originally Posted By c7aea15:
I'd say it depends on the people.

But too much too fast is a real thing.

I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.
 

Yeah, that's where I see it causing a problem. If it's two fools rushing in, a 2 week whirlwind romance can end up being a 75th wedding anniversary decades later sort of love story.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 8:58:24 AM EDT
My parents got engaged 3 months after the first date.  Married 3 months later.  That was 42 years ago and they are still as happy as can be.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:09:46 AM EDT
LOL, no. Marrying someone without really living with them is putting the cart before the horse.

For me it's friends>dating>live together>marriage.
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What happened to traditional morality?!

Living together without benefit of marriage is called "fornication" in the Bible. St .Paul has some choice words to say about what happenes to fornicators:

1 Corinthians

6:9  Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

6:10  Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
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An adequate period of dating should tell you if you're compatible. Successful marriage is based on common attitudes more than anything else. Physical attraction is secondary.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:15:30 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By AlexanderA:
Moving in together should come after marriage. People have their priorities all mixed up these days.

"Trial marriages" don't have a good track record.

View Quote


I'm not saying you are wrong but "regular marriages" don't have a good track record either.  I'd need to see some actual data before I bought the argument that shacking up before marriage resulted in worse outcomes.

Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:27:13 AM EDT
I spent the night on our first date and never left.  That was October of 1989.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:28:48 AM EDT
GD relationship advice is best advice.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:29:43 AM EDT

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Originally Posted By Naamah:





Yeah, that's where I see it causing a problem. If it's two fools rushing in, a 2 week whirlwind romance can end up being a 75th wedding anniversary decades later sort of love story.
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Originally Posted By Naamah:



Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:


Originally Posted By c7aea15:

I'd say it depends on the people.



But too much too fast is a real thing.


I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.

 


Yeah, that's where I see it causing a problem. If it's two fools rushing in, a 2 week whirlwind romance can end up being a 75th wedding anniversary decades later sort of love story.




 
My parents just had their 40th anniversary. They got married 2 weeks after they met face to face. Corresponded through mail for a little before then while Dad was in Germany and Mom and in Florida.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:30:37 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By woodsie:


I'm not saying you are wrong but "regular marriages" don't have a good track record either.  I'd need to see some actual data before I bought the argument that shacking up before marriage resulted in worse outcomes.

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Originally Posted By woodsie:
Originally Posted By AlexanderA:
Moving in together should come after marriage. People have their priorities all mixed up these days.

"Trial marriages" don't have a good track record.



I'm not saying you are wrong but "regular marriages" don't have a good track record either.  I'd need to see some actual data before I bought the argument that shacking up before marriage resulted in worse outcomes.



I'll say he's wrong.

If anything it would point to more flaws in a relationship that can be dealt with before marriage or not, and part ways.

Fuck whatever a book tells you. Do what you think is right and makes you and your partner happy.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:31:10 AM EDT

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Originally Posted By BigeasySnow:
The mutual rush can be problematic too. New relationships are exciting, intoxicating. Taking it slow lets your excitement come down and let's the hormones normalize. You stop being 'on your best behavior'. Then you can better see if you'll be compatible over the longer term, once the new has worn off.



Waiting avoids mistakes made while one or both partners are 'in love with love'.
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Originally Posted By BigeasySnow:



Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:


Originally Posted By c7aea15:

I'd say it depends on the people.



But too much too fast is a real thing.


I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.

 




The mutual rush can be problematic too. New relationships are exciting, intoxicating. Taking it slow lets your excitement come down and let's the hormones normalize. You stop being 'on your best behavior'. Then you can better see if you'll be compatible over the longer term, once the new has worn off.



Waiting avoids mistakes made while one or both partners are 'in love with love'.
I married my wife of eight years after three days. You know when you know

 
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:33:32 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By klinc:

  My parents just had their 40th anniversary. They got married 2 weeks after they met face to face. Corresponded through mail for a little before then while Dad was in Germany and Mom and in Florida.
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Originally Posted By klinc:
Originally Posted By Naamah:
Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:
Originally Posted By c7aea15:
I'd say it depends on the people.

But too much too fast is a real thing.

I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.
 

Yeah, that's where I see it causing a problem. If it's two fools rushing in, a 2 week whirlwind romance can end up being a 75th wedding anniversary decades later sort of love story.

  My parents just had their 40th anniversary. They got married 2 weeks after they met face to face. Corresponded through mail for a little before then while Dad was in Germany and Mom and in Florida.


Of course there will always be some great stories like that but generally I think it's a poor choice to get married after only 2 weeks. But then again I don't see anything wrong with living with someone before marriage either.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:35:19 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By MuRDoC:
I married my wife of eight years after three days. You know when you know  
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Originally Posted By MuRDoC:
Originally Posted By BigeasySnow:
Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:
Originally Posted By c7aea15:
I'd say it depends on the people.

But too much too fast is a real thing.

I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.
 


The mutual rush can be problematic too. New relationships are exciting, intoxicating. Taking it slow lets your excitement come down and let's the hormones normalize. You stop being 'on your best behavior'. Then you can better see if you'll be compatible over the longer term, once the new has worn off.

Waiting avoids mistakes made while one or both partners are 'in love with love'.
I married my wife of eight years after three days. You know when you know  



Honest question, why the rush? Even if you knew she was the one what's wrong with not being married for a while?
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:40:53 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By c7aea15:


I'll say he's wrong.

If anything it would point to more flaws in a relationship that can be dealt with before marriage or not, and part ways.

Fuck whatever a book tells you. Do what you think is right and makes you and your partner happy.
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Originally Posted By c7aea15:
Originally Posted By woodsie:
Originally Posted By AlexanderA:
Moving in together should come after marriage. People have their priorities all mixed up these days.

"Trial marriages" don't have a good track record.



I'm not saying you are wrong but "regular marriages" don't have a good track record either.  I'd need to see some actual data before I bought the argument that shacking up before marriage resulted in worse outcomes.



I'll say he's wrong.

If anything it would point to more flaws in a relationship that can be dealt with before marriage or not, and part ways.

Fuck whatever a book tells you. Do what you think is right and makes you and your partner happy.

true say
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:43:16 AM EDT
I think a huge problem in America is the importance of physical relationship too early.  When you are trying to get laid, you really don't look at the big picture of how stupid being married to that person really is.  Once you are getting laid, you are no longer objective.  Eventually you get past that and see the person for who they are and get tired of their shit.  Long term would be looking for the life partner, then binding it with crazy sex latter.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:43:31 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/28/2015 9:46:46 AM EDT by MaxTheRabbit]
as to the OP:

certain affectations and idiosyncrasies can be extremely off-putting at first even though they may be resolved or made completely tolerable in the long run

being thrust too quickly into cohabitation can overwhelm someone to the point of causing a knee-jerk rejection of the other person based on these things

an acclimation period is prudent
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:47:40 AM EDT
Patience is a virtue, and rushed choices are often bad choices.

This makes me think of a guy I knew many years ago.  We were about 23 and I remember being at his house and he said word for word "I'm in the sexual prime of my life and not getting any.  The next thing that I get a chance with I'm nailing."  Well that next chance turned into his first ex-wife and ten miles of bad road.

be careful out there!
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:49:37 AM EDT
Infatuation phase- designed to ensure baby is made before we realize how crazy or annoying the other person actually is.

Has ensured the species survival over millennia.

If we relied on only successful 75yr relationships to propagate, our species would be extinct long ago...
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:50:47 AM EDT
You need to go fuck someone else for a few, then come back to this very thread.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:53:39 AM EDT
My sort of ex-gf and I rushed into the deep end after a couple weeks. We were both in the throes of divorce/immediate-post divorce period. That was insane.

We have a good relationship, not a great one. Now, after 30 months, we have such familiarity and "history", it's tempting to dive in and get married.

That would be a huge mistake. There are just too many holes in the relationship to elevate it to a permanent level.

There's NEVER any reason to rush.

TC
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:56:43 AM EDT

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Originally Posted By c7aea15:
Honest question, why the rush? Even if you knew she was the one what's wrong with not being married for a while?
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Originally Posted By c7aea15:



Originally Posted By MuRDoC:


Originally Posted By BigeasySnow:


Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:


Originally Posted By c7aea15:

I'd say it depends on the people.



But too much too fast is a real thing.


I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.

 




The mutual rush can be problematic too. New relationships are exciting, intoxicating. Taking it slow lets your excitement come down and let's the hormones normalize. You stop being 'on your best behavior'. Then you can better see if you'll be compatible over the longer term, once the new has worn off.



Waiting avoids mistakes made while one or both partners are 'in love with love'.
I married my wife of eight years after three days. You know when you know  






Honest question, why the rush? Even if you knew she was the one what's wrong with not being married for a while?
It's what we wanted. The only regret we have is that we didn't know each other sooner so we could have been married sooner. We both knew the minute we met and didn't want to waste time.

 
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 9:59:24 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/28/2015 10:06:19 AM EDT by buck19delta]
Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:
So I'm sitting here drinking my coffee and thinking about something I was discussing with a friend yesterday, and I'm curious to see how GD feels about this.

Generally when speaking on the topic of "rushing" things in a relationship, it's usually given as reason for a failed relationship or that it will cause the relationship to fail.  It's always been my belief that rushing the "i love you," or rushing moving in together, or etc ultimately means fuck all in the grand scheme of things.  Either that relationship is going to fail or it isn't, and those things might only serve to speed that failure date up but I don't think it causes it.

What do you guys think?
View Quote



from my personal experience....among that experience,  ( two failed marrages)  rushing relationships is the biggest problem with most relationships.

1. having sex too soon..... from my experience, women are emotional, and men are physical. it takes a lot longer for a man to get " attached" emotionally to a woman, than a woman to a man..... this is why a woman is supposed to make a man " work for it".... because then, hopefully by the time hes jumped thru hoops, and learned all about her, to get to the sex... hes attached to her..... anything iv had sex on the first date or two, the relationship was basically over, and all about sex. sex is fun.... but if your a woman, looking for a commitment, dont be giving up the sex, until you feel like the guys hooked.

2. getting to know people..... i mean REALLY getting to know people, know them, their friends, and all of their family.. way before you EVER ask them to marry you. all that family bullshit will become your bullshit when your married... if he or she has a druggie brother, who steals from the family, and they have a soft spot for them... prepare for your shit to get stolen, or your spouse to be bailing that loser out of jail for the rest of your life... these are all things you need to know about before marrage.

. i married both my first wives, after dating them for 4-6 months.... i later realized if i had simply dayed them, or lived with them.... for a couple of years.. i would have NEVER married them.... not due to becoming emotionally attached... but because their bullshit would have popped out, and id have been done with them. it takes fucking YEARS, before you really get to know someone..... many people intentionally hide shit, and act differently on purpose, ( on their best behavior) until they have that wedding ring... then BOOM, the real person shows up, and its often not pretty.

iv been dating my current gf for several years, and iv known her for about 7.... so iv seen her in her other relationships... seen how she treats people, seen how she reacts to people treating her certain ways....... we still have things we have to work thru occasionally, due to miscommunication.... but its really, really great being with her..... im about to ask her to marry me soon......



personally..... i think there should be a MANDATORY waiting period to getting married.. ... after you buy your license, you have 12 months before you can get married. if they did this, 80% of the people getting married would NOT get married in the first place, IMHO....( think of all the bullshit that could avoid, divorces, child support, fighting in court over your kids, and all the trama, and bullshit failed marrages cause....... if your REALLY in love, that year wont make a bit of difference.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 10:02:32 AM EDT

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Originally Posted By AA717driver:

There's NEVER any reason to rush.

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Haha, sure there is, it's called love. I'm not taking about lust, some people can't understand the difference. It's unfortunate that some will never experience it. If there is doubt, it's not the right person for you and your just trying to fit with the wrong person for the sake of not being alone.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 10:08:26 AM EDT
My Ex Girlfriend tried to rush me into "settling down" with her.  As in, sell my house to be closer to her.  I told her that it simply wasn't going to happen.  Bam, she Fent.  I now have weekends free and bought a Scorpion Evo  S3 as a break up present.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 10:10:59 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/28/2015 10:13:04 AM EDT by Bunn19]
I dated my ex wife for two years at the end of college and for two more years after college, and was engaged for 1 year to the day.

We still divorced 5 years after being married. We didn't live together though before being married.  She changed a lot after we got married, but there were plenty of warning signs, that I brushed aside or just figured I'd deal with because I loved her, that popped up while we were dating.

Moving forward the way I look at it is that if you are seriously into someone and think that they are the one and you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, what does waiting an extra year or so to date to make sure hurt?  It's not like they are going anywhere if they are truly the one. If they aren't willing to wait a reasonable amount of time (I don't suggest dragging a girl along for 5 years or so of dating after college), then they probably aren't the one.

I've struggled with how to know in my post marriage dating experiences.  It does seem like girls start to get really clingy after around 9 mos to a year of dating. I want to get married again, but I don't want to relive the nightmare that was the last couple of years of my previous marriage...



Link Posted: 8/28/2015 10:11:35 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By buck19delta:
2. getting to know people..... i mean REALLY getting to know people, know them, their friends, and all of their family.. way before you EVER ask them to marry you. all that family bullshit will become your bullshit when your married... if he or she has a druggie brother, who steals from the family, and they have a soft spot for them... prepare for your shit to get stolen, or your spouse to be bailing that loser out of jail for the rest of your life... these are all things you need to know about before marrage.

. i married both my first wives, after dating them for 4-6 months.... i later realized if i had simply dayed them, or lived with them.... for a couple of years.. i would have NEVER married them.... not due to becoming emotionally attached... but because their bullshit would have popped out, and id have been done with them. it takes fucking YEARS, before you really get to know someone..... many people intentionally hide shit, and act differently on purpose, ( on their best behavior) until they have that wedding ring... then BOOM, the real person shows up, and its often not pretty.
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if it takes you years to see through a facade like that, then they either drastically outclass you intellectually or you're just not paying attention
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 10:38:58 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By mousehunter:
I think a huge problem in America is the importance of physical relationship too early.  When you are trying to get laid, you really don't look at the big picture of how stupid being married to that person really is.  Once you are getting laid, you are no longer objective.  Eventually you get past that and see the person for who they are and get tired of their shit.  Long term would be looking for the life partner, then binding it with crazy sex latter.
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True story in my case.  Absolutely.  And if there is a next time, I'll do things very, very differently.

Link Posted: 8/28/2015 10:50:28 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By AlexanderA:
Moving in together should come after marriage. People have their priorities all mixed up these days.

"Trial marriages" don't have a good track record.

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I'm really glad that I did move in with my GF.  We've lived together for two months and it's been great.  Minor quibbles here and there but it's been great.
Link Posted: 8/28/2015 11:01:49 AM EDT
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Originally Posted By BigeasySnow:


The mutual rush can be problematic too. New relationships are exciting, intoxicating. Taking it slow lets your excitement come down and let's the hormones normalize. You stop being 'on your best behavior'. Then you can better see if you'll be compatible over the longer term, once the new has worn off.

Waiting avoids mistakes made while one or both partners are 'in love with love'.
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Originally Posted By BigeasySnow:
Originally Posted By johnny_dot_exe:
Originally Posted By c7aea15:
I'd say it depends on the people.

But too much too fast is a real thing.

I was mainly referring to the mutual rush, but only one half doing it can probably be a cause of failure if the other wasn't ready or didn't have enough test-drive time.
 


The mutual rush can be problematic too. New relationships are exciting, intoxicating. Taking it slow lets your excitement come down and let's the hormones normalize. You stop being 'on your best behavior'. Then you can better see if you'll be compatible over the longer term, once the new has worn off.

Waiting avoids mistakes made while one or both partners are 'in love with love'.



Gal I am with right now went for the gusto on the third date...

I was actually kinda shocked.   1st date I managed to grab onto her hand during the movie and we simply held hands through the movie.   After the first date I walked her to her car and gave her a giant hug with a quick peck on the forehead.     2nd date I went for the kiss while hanging out after the movie.   Walked her to her car for another kiss.

Third date though I cooked dinner for when she came over.   It was on in so many ways.   I think we both cleared a lot of cobwebs.

I like her a ton and I am trying not to rush.   I do find myself trying to not go too fast.    We have been talking since about April.   Dating since late July.    Met her mom/brother last weekend.    Probably introducing her to my parents during a weekend trip on Labor Day.

But I have never been so completely comfortable with a woman in terms of just relaxing and feeling a kind of balance.   Still trying to remind myself that we are getting to actually know each other.    I am not a conventionally religious person but the idea and dangers  of lust are not lost on me.   I also wonder if it is a woman hormones thing.   The little minx is 41 to me being 37.    Supposedly older women get all horned up which right now is okay with me...

I managed to say something horribly stupid the other day and piss her off.   She forgave me and we are still "on".   Guess this may actually move beyond dating at some point after meeting my parents.
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