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Posted: 8/10/2007 6:13:10 AM EDT

Someone says: The way to a mans heart is through his stomach.
AFCOMer's response: I always found that through the rib cage with something sharp was faster.


Add your own. I know there are tons.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 6:20:23 AM EDT
[#1]
I always heard it as "The quickest way to a man's heart is with a broadsword."
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 6:22:07 AM EDT
[#2]
"What time is it?"

"Time to buy a watch."
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 6:24:24 AM EDT
[#3]
I don't think you should (fill-in-the-blank here).

It's a good think I don't give a f*@k what you think then, isn't it?
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 6:25:30 AM EDT
[#4]
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 6:29:42 AM EDT
[#5]
In response to people telling you how to do your job:

PG version:  Do I come over to your place of business and knock the burgers off your grill?

NC-17 version: Do I come over to your place of business and knock the dicks out of your mouth?
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 6:34:17 AM EDT
[#6]
There is no "I" in team.

But there is an "M" and an "E".
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 6:54:51 AM EDT
[#7]
So one of the VP's down the hall walks into my office and asks me what my favorite musical movie is, it went like this:
Her: "Hi navvet89, So what's your favorite musical"

Me(without looking up): "Apocalypse Now, Flight of the Valkyrie"

She just laughed and kept on walking.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:05:56 AM EDT
[#8]
U.S. Gov't- Fix it till it's broke!!
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:05:59 AM EDT
[#9]
Hey Maxwell71 what are you doing this weekend?

Minding my own f&ck!n@ business

Well maxwell71 I think that you should do this....

Thats funny..... I dont remember asking you
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:06:36 AM EDT
[#10]

Quoted:
There is no "I" in team.

But there is an "M" and an "E".


...and there ain't no "we" either.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:07:29 AM EDT
[#11]

Quoted:

Quoted:
There is no "I" in team.

But there is an "M" and an "E".


...and there ain't no "we" either.


Noted.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:08:18 AM EDT
[#12]

Quoted:
There is no "I" in team.


But, there's an I in "WIN!"


Quoted:
The early bird gets the worm,


And the early worm gets eaten.  Where's the motivation?
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:08:38 AM EDT
[#13]
My father-in-law is reigning champion of witty retorts.

Some drunk came staggering down the alley a few weeks ago and says, "What the hell kind of dog is that supposed to be?" in reference to my father-in-law's half basset hound/half cocker spaniel mix.

His instant reply was "One that knows how to mind it's own damn business, that's what kind".
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:09:34 AM EDT
[#14]

Quoted:
There is no "I" in team.

But there is an "M" and an "E".


I always say "There is no "i" in "Team" but there is "MEAT"...

...

If at first you do not succeed, keep sucking, until you do (works better when you say it)
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:15:31 AM EDT
[#15]
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:17:53 AM EDT
[#16]
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:19:08 AM EDT
[#17]

Quoted:
Me: I'm sure this won't take more than a minute.

Random person: That's what she said!

Me: You're an idiot.


I wouldn't call it witty, but you do get to the point quickly.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:19:35 AM EDT
[#18]

Quoted:
Me: I'm sure this won't take more than a minute.

Random person: That's what she said!

Me: You're an idiot.


Thats what she really said
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:23:36 AM EDT
[#19]
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:23:57 AM EDT
[#20]
Stupid person: "There is always a light at the end of the tunnel"

Me: "otherwise known as an oncoming train"
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:25:16 AM EDT
[#21]
stupid person "Try seeing it from their point of view"
me-"I've tried nut I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass"
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:36:30 AM EDT
[#22]
Bum: Spare any change?

You: Change comes from within.

Link Posted: 8/10/2007 7:39:19 AM EDT
[#23]
Them:  "Have a good one."

Me:  "I do ma'am, I do."


Them:  "What's up?"

Me:  "Your dick in a gay bar."
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 8:23:11 AM EDT
[#24]

Quoted:
Them:  "Have a good one."

Me:  "I do ma'am, I do."


Them:  "What's up?"

Me:  "Your dick in a gay bar."


Ha!  Simple. Harsh. Great!
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 8:24:54 AM EDT
[#25]
Your MAMMA----->p2
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 8:29:37 AM EDT
[#26]

Quoted:
Bum: Spare any change?

You: Change comes from within.



Or maybe:

You: Do I look like a fucking bank, asswipe?
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 8:29:40 AM EDT
[#27]
Some lady outside of church, "Man is causing global warming."

2IDdoc, "Oh horsecock!"

Horsecock. Guaranteed to stop any conversation cold in two seconds or less. Offer not valid when speaking to rednecks.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 8:31:28 AM EDT
[#28]

Quoted:
There is no "I" in team.

But there is an "M" and an "E".
"There's no "U" in this team, either, Fuckhead."
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 8:36:39 AM EDT
[#29]
When I used to smoke cigarettes:

Them: Hey, you have an extra smoke?

Me: No dumbass, only 20 come in a pack
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 8:42:42 AM EDT
[#30]
dude at work: "Hey man, I noticed you left early yesterday. Where did you go"


dude who left early: "Why, did your wife have that fresh fucked look when you got home?"


Me:

I did have to physically get between them following that exchange.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:01:25 AM EDT
[#31]

Quoted:

Quoted:
There is no "I" in team.

But there is an "M" and an "E".
"There's no "U" in this team, either, Fuckhead."




I'm gonna use that next time some HR fuckhead starts spouting platitudes.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:03:51 AM EDT
[#32]
Them:  "I think that <insert dumbass subject>."

Me:  "That's what happens when you think without practicing first."
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:22:29 AM EDT
[#33]
I used to have this stupid boss who would use all of the stupid business cliches he could think of.  One time in a meeting (and we had MANY) he said, blah, blah, blah, and our shop is like a ship.  And I am like the captain of that ship.  That will be our new metaphor."

Without thinking i simply said, "well, technically that's a simile."
He was not amused.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:27:39 AM EDT
[#34]

Quoted:
When I used to smoke cigarettes:

Them: Hey, you have an extra smoke?

Me: No dumbass, only 20 come in a pack


You know, I never once doubted for a second that arfcom was home to the only selfish smoker on the face of the earth.

Makes me proud to be a part of this place.  
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:31:18 AM EDT
[#35]
Whomever: "Kiss my ass."

Me: "Looks too much like your face."

SG
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:40:07 AM EDT
[#36]
THEM: See ya later!

ME:  Thanx for the warning!
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:43:12 AM EDT
[#37]
Whenever you I get caught off guard with someones sly remark, or being the butt of a joke, or someone corrects a mistake I just said/made etc, it's easy to put it off by saying:

"Very well played my friend"

or

"touche"

Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:45:18 AM EDT
[#38]

Quoted:

Quoted:
When I used to smoke cigarettes:

Them: Hey, you have an extra smoke?

Me: No dumbass, only 20 come in a pack


You know, I never once doubted for a second that arfcom was home to the only selfish smoker on the face of the earth.

Makes me proud to be a part of this place.  


Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:48:27 AM EDT
[#39]
Probably the most popular firefighter expression ever coined:


Hey, where is _________________ ?

If it was up your ass you would know.
I have said and heard that a million times. Probably every shift I ever worked.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:51:43 AM EDT
[#40]
"I have a stupid question......."

"There are no stupid questions, only inquisitive idiots"
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:57:35 AM EDT
[#41]

Them: But I want __________________________!

Me: It's nice to want things
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:57:39 AM EDT
[#42]
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 9:58:24 AM EDT
[#43]
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 10:05:18 AM EDT
[#44]

Quoted:
Probably the most popular firefighter expression ever coined:

Hey, where is _________________ ?

If it was up your ass you would know.

I have said and heard that a million times. Probably every shift I ever worked.
Holy shit, I thought that only happened at my Dept.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 10:07:43 AM EDT
[#45]


Quoted:
Bum: Spare any change?

You: Change comes from within.




Variation:  "No, but I've got a spare asskicking you can have."
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 10:14:49 AM EDT
[#46]
"Man who goes thru turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"

guess that doesnt really fit here...oh well.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 10:15:53 AM EDT
[#47]

Quoted:
dude at work: "Hey man, I noticed you left early yesterday. Where did you go"


dude who left early: "Why, did your wife have that fresh fucked look when you got home?"


Me:

I did have to physically get between them following that exchange.


Wow
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 10:18:22 AM EDT
[#48]
Them: See you later.

Me: Not if I see you first.
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 10:20:07 AM EDT
[#49]

Quoted:
dude at work: "Hey man, I noticed you left early yesterday. Where did you go"


dude who left early: "Why, did your wife have that fresh fucked look when you got home?"


Me:

I did have to physically get between them following that exchange.


Niiiiiiiice...
Link Posted: 8/10/2007 10:25:31 AM EDT
[#50]

Quoted:
dude at work: "Hey man, I noticed you left early yesterday. Where did you go"


dude who left early: "Why, did your wife have that fresh fucked look when you got home?"


Me:

I did have to physically get between them following that exchange.


damn.
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