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Link Posted: 11/30/2020 10:53:00 PM EST
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Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
No, actually yesterday he gave her a ring and she accepted. Wedding is in June. Got that news in a text.
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Yea, the facetime snuggle call and texting you this seems a little over the top, like she is deliberately trying to hurt you ... I think you need to counter with a facetime snuggle call of your own.  Promise, it will feel awesome.
Link Posted: 11/30/2020 11:18:58 PM EST
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Originally Posted By Eddiep:



Yea, the facetime snuggle call and texting you this seems a little over the top, like she is deliberately trying to hurt you ... I think you need to counter with a facetime snuggle call of your own.  Promise, it will feel awesome.
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Originally Posted By Eddiep:
Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
No, actually yesterday he gave her a ring and she accepted. Wedding is in June. Got that news in a text.



Yea, the facetime snuggle call and texting you this seems a little over the top, like she is deliberately trying to hurt you ... I think you need to counter with a facetime snuggle call of your own.  Promise, it will feel awesome.


Bad advice.

Link Posted: 11/30/2020 11:26:17 PM EST
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Originally Posted By wtfboombrb:

Bad advice.
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Originally Posted By wtfboombrb:
Originally Posted By Eddiep:
Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
No, actually yesterday he gave her a ring and she accepted. Wedding is in June. Got that news in a text.

Yea, the facetime snuggle call and texting you this seems a little over the top, like she is deliberately trying to hurt you ... I think you need to counter with a facetime snuggle call of your own.  Promise, it will feel awesome.

Bad advice.
I agree. At the very least, wait until your kids are grown up and you divorce is finalized before pulling a move like that.
Link Posted: 12/1/2020 5:24:54 AM EST
I have nobody to snuggle with, so there’s that. But yeah, even if I could, I wouldn’t do that.
Link Posted: 12/1/2020 6:25:08 AM EST
Haven't slept right since I don't remember when...the silence at night makes my chest feel tight. I have no real reason to feel this way...it's caused me to lose my job, my relationships are struggling, and life is fucked when you're asleep when the rest of the family is awake and vice versa...the last time I went out I blew up on a very close friend irrationally. Waiting for VA to get me to a therapist I just want to feel normal again
Link Posted: 12/1/2020 6:51:44 AM EST
This might just be a band-aid fix, but have you tried going to sleep with something playing in the background? I usually put on something like a South Park or Rick and Morty DVD when I go to bed. Its something that I've already seen, and am not worried about missing anything, but it also helps drown out a lot of the noise in my own head which makes it easier for me to fall asleep.
Link Posted: 12/1/2020 9:24:51 AM EST
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Originally Posted By Spec-4:
Haven't slept right since I don't remember when...the silence at night makes my chest feel tight. I have no real reason to feel this way...it's caused me to lose my job, my relationships are struggling, and life is fucked when you're asleep when the rest of the family is awake and vice versa...the last time I went out I blew up on a very close friend irrationally. Waiting for VA to get me to a therapist I just want to feel normal again
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As dumb as this sounds, try getting a small box fan and turning it on low when you sleep.  It will take a week or so to get used to, but it will help.

Also, try taking some Melatonin about a half hour before bed.  Again, it will take a week or two to get used to.  Dirt cheap in the vitamin section.

I tried all sorts of meds from my doc and after too many side effects I decided to try the things listed above.  It took a little while, but ended up working out better.
Link Posted: 12/1/2020 11:10:30 AM EST
[Last Edit: 12/1/2020 11:11:12 AM EST by DstryrOfWrlds]
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Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
I have nobody to snuggle with, so there’s that. But yeah, even if I could, I wouldn’t do that.
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I would offer to snuggle with you but Mrs. DoW might have a few objections.

(Here is a virtual snuggle)
Link Posted: 12/1/2020 5:24:23 PM EST
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Originally Posted By DstryrOfWrlds:


I would offer to snuggle with you but Mrs. DoW might have a few objections.

(Here is a virtual snuggle)
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That literally made me laugh out loud
Link Posted: 12/1/2020 5:26:17 PM EST
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Originally Posted By veritas8985:


As dumb as this sounds, try getting a small box fan and turning it on low when you sleep.  It will take a week or so to get used to, but it will help.

Also, try taking some Melatonin about a half hour before bed.  Again, it will take a week or two to get used to.  Dirt cheap in the vitamin section.

I tried all sorts of meds from my doc and after too many side effects I decided to try the things listed above.  It took a little while, but ended up working out better.
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This.  A little white noise is fantastic when your fucking mind won’t shut up.  I don’t care what it is, just something to drown out your own voice in your head.  I know cause mine won’t shut up EVER.
Link Posted: 12/1/2020 5:38:08 PM EST
I love you guys.  If i could wash away all your pain and suffering and make you whole i would.  I was on vacation last week and it was nice, i never even had the urge to drink.  Back to work and it’s already driving me to drink so here i am, pretty tipsy by 5pm just so i can go to sleep tonight with some kind of peace.  Wish i wasn’t stupid and could land a good paying job instead of the shit that I’m dealing with now just so that i can eat and have a roof over my head.
Link Posted: 12/1/2020 5:55:24 PM EST
Originally Posted By Jus228:


This.  A little white noise is fantastic when your fucking mind won’t shut up.  I don’t care what it is, just something to drown out your own voice in your head.  I know cause mine won’t shut up EVER.
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Agree with the white noise.

Fuggers in my head never shut the fuck up!

"I am not schizophrenic"
"Yes we are!"
"Shut the fuck up, all of you, I am trying to sleep!"




Originally Posted By Jus228:
I love you guys.  If i could wash away all your pain and suffering and make you whole i would.  I was on vacation last week and it was nice, i never even had the urge to drink.  Back to work and it’s already driving me to drink so here i am, pretty tipsy by 5pm just so i can go to sleep tonight with some kind of peace.  Wish i wasn’t stupid and could land a good paying job instead of the shit that I’m dealing with now just so that i can eat and have a roof over my head.
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Replace the booze with hard exercise.
When you are ready for a drink, force yourself to run first.

Keep this up until all you crave is Gatorade.

Can't help in the job department other than saying the only few times I have ever gotten substantially ahead was by changing jobs/careers/locations.

Keep on truckin'
Link Posted: 12/1/2020 6:42:06 PM EST
Fuggers in my head never shut the fuck up!

"I am not schizophrenic"
"Yes we are!"
"Shut the fuck up, all of you, I am trying to sleep!"
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Wait until you discover they have Multiple Personality Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and are terrible singers, to boot!
Link Posted: 12/1/2020 6:44:53 PM EST
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Originally Posted By Mak_380:


Wait until you discover they have Multiple Personality Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and are terrible singers, to boot!
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Originally Posted By Mak_380:
Fuggers in my head never shut the fuck up!

"I am not schizophrenic"
"Yes we are!"
"Shut the fuck up, all of you, I am trying to sleep!"


Wait until you discover they have Multiple Personality Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and are terrible singers, to boot!


The terrible singers go on for days and days singing the same damn song.
Link Posted: 12/2/2020 8:38:52 PM EST
I’m not an “open” person, I always feel that 87% of everyone wants something from you! It takes me a long time to make friends.
That said, my siblings live in Va, Tenn, and NH. Dad passed away 3 years ago, he was 97. Mom passed away last year 12-31. She was 96.
I’m kind of ambivalent towards my siblings. I love them, but couldn’t care less if I see them again. I was able to buy mom and dad’s house, my mortgage is affordable and I have a good steady job, 33 years same place.
Yeah I’m kinda rambling, I guess I’m just kind of venting, I met a few ARF’rs and some were cool, some were the gray man and a couple..... well I’ll leave it at that.
I guess I just felt like rambling and posting just to blow some pressure.
That time of year and I’m just missing mom, most of the time I don’t think about it, but, yeah, she has a way to sneak in.
Link Posted: 12/2/2020 9:26:04 PM EST
[Last Edit: 12/2/2020 9:26:35 PM EST by wtfboombrb]
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Originally Posted By jarhead13:
I’m not an “open” person, I always feel that 87% of everyone wants something from you! It takes me a long time to make friends.
That said, my siblings live in Va, Tenn, and NH. Dad passed away 3 years ago, he was 97. Mom passed away last year 12-31. She was 96.
I’m kind of ambivalent towards my siblings. I love them, but couldn’t care less if I see them again. I was able to buy mom and dad’s house, my mortgage is affordable and I have a good steady job, 33 years same place.
Yeah I’m kinda rambling, I guess I’m just kind of venting, I met a few ARF’rs and some were cool, some were the gray man and a couple..... well I’ll leave it at that.
I guess I just felt like rambling and posting just to blow some pressure.
That time of year and I’m just missing mom, most of the time I don’t think about it, but, yeah, she has a way to sneak in.
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The holidays are rough for me. I turned down an invitation to a thanksgiving dinner with friends. I'd rather spend the day by myself as opposed to celebrating with other families and afterward coming home to an empty apartment.

That probably sounds odd to those who haven't experienced it, but no longer having a family is something I don't want to be reminded of.
Link Posted: 12/2/2020 10:35:36 PM EST
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Originally Posted By wtfboombrb:


The holidays are rough for me. I turned down an invitation to a thanksgiving dinner with friends. I'd rather spend the day by myself as opposed to celebrating with other families and afterward coming home to an empty apartment.

That probably sounds odd to those who haven't experienced it, but no longer having a family is something I don't want to be reminded of.
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Lol I know what ya mean! I was gonna stay home but my cousin invited me to his place for turkey day. His daughter made everything except for the turkey, his co-worker deep fried one for him. I had a good time. I don’t know what Christmas will be like.
Link Posted: 12/3/2020 1:13:00 AM EST
Link Posted: 12/3/2020 11:53:00 AM EST
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Originally Posted By macro:
32 years (and about 15 hours) ago, Walter Kulkusky put a .22WMR revolver in his mouth, pulled the trigger, and ended his life. No one knew why. We still don't. He was my best friend, but not I, not his family, and not one other friend ever had a clue that he was hurting so bad that suicide was a realistic idea to him. Whatever it was that he perceived was so bad in his life that at the age of 16, that morning he decided that things had gotten so fucked up that his only way out was to put a bullet through the palate of his mouth, through his brain, and out the top of his skull.

Why do I share this story tonight?

A couple of reasons.

First, they say that time heals all wounds.
Yeah...not really. This all happened over 3 decades ago, and I can still replay every minute of that day in my head like a movie I've seen a thousand times. I can recite the lines, feel the emotions, see his face, and feel the sting when I got the news that the cops found his body slumped over on the ground under a nearby pine tree. You may not think so, but people like you (I suspect maybe a few even love you). They will never get over it if you choose to take this route. If those people mean anything at all, think about that.


Another thought: You are hurting. Bad. You don't see a way out. Maybe (probably) you don't think there even is a way out. Meanwhile, I would bet that many folks who CAN HELP YOU don't even know what you are going through. No matter what you are involved in, HELP IS AVAILABLE. Tell someone what the fuck is going through your mind. It's not weak to ask for help. Frankly, it's fucking stupid and weak not to.

I don't see the world through rose colored lenses. I haven't in about 32 years. The world has the capacity to be a cruel, evil, fucked up place. There is a lot of darkness in this life. I've experienced it...it's real. That said...play the game to win. You can't win if you quit the game.

You can call me a boomer (I'm not) but the older I get, the more I value life, and the more I see how shortsighted I was in my younger years. I can't count how many times I felt I was stuck in some insurmountable dilemma, with no way out. I've seen it all: substance abuse, crippling debt, broken families, on the run from people...I've been around some pretty destitute folks, and let's be honest...I was the company I kept.

There was ALWAYS A WAY OUT.


Look, I don't know what you are going through, and I won't pretend to. I'm not you, and you aren't me. I'll never say, "I know how you feel", because that is bullshit. Only you know what is happening between your ears. That said, I know for a fact that whatever you are involved in can be resolved without you cashing your chips out tonight. I know that from experience, and I promise you that it is truth.

Bottom line, tell someone what is going on. You might be surprised not only how much someone else might care, but how resourceful they can be in helping you resolve whatever your trouble is. Got no one? Send me a PM or an email. Yeah, I'm a total stranger. So what? I can assure you that I give a shit, and maybe that's enough. There is nothing you are involved in that can't be dealt with.

Walter never even got the opportunity to see the world through adult eyes. He had no perspective. He chose a path that led him down a one-way, dead-end street. Somewhere...on the other side...he remains at the end of that street...alone...forever.

Don't be Walter.



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Been a while since I checked in on this thread. Don’t post often, but am glad we have some consistent beacons who are quick to offer advice and support.


@Marco

This was a very impactful post that I’m sure will speak to those going through difficult times and considering a “final” solution.

You’re acknowledgment of the impacts felt by folks around someone who takes their own life reminded me of this monologue from The Blacklist.

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Always thought it was a pretty profound analogy.

Link Posted: 12/6/2020 5:58:23 AM EST
Thanks for sharing Macro’s post.

My birthday is this week.

Last year we went out, a great evening. Wonderful meal, danced, went for a chilly walk by the river downtown, went by the park to see the Christmas lights. I dropped off some food at my unit at the hospital, joked with my co-workers since I was ‘all dressed up’.  Wife took a picture of me at the restaurant, posted it on Facebook of me smiling, holding up a whiskey, captioned ‘love my handsome hubby, my favorite nurse’.

I was happy. All the struggle had been worth it. I was working my dream job and things were finally getting better.

The next two weeks we both worked our butts off, hardly saw each other as I was on an opposite schedule from her.

Christmas Eve we were both off, spent it with the kids, roaring fire, Alton Brown egg nog, and went to bed in matching Christmas pajamas. She left me the next morning and my world shattered.

I’m working on my birthday this year, coming home to an empty house (the kids will be with her).

I can’t believe it will be a year. A year of gut wrenching sadness, of struggling every day. There were two days this year when I didn’t cry at some point. Two days. The first two days of my new nursing job. They were great, wonderful. I was elated. Loved the job, the co-workers I was orienting with were awesome, and my bosses were just amazing, supportive and really welcomed me. I left work on that second day, on cloud nine, and called my wife on the way to pick up my kids, just excited to share how great my new job was, how optimistic I felt for the first time in months. I got off the phone, pulled into the highway, and I saw my eyes in the rear view mirror...and I thought “you don’t even have someone to share your great day with, all you could do was call her.”

I don’t know how to describe how much that hit me. It sounds wimpy abs childish, but it made me feel old and ugly and small and most of all just ALONE.
Link Posted: 12/6/2020 3:48:37 PM EST
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Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Thanks for sharing Macro’s post.

My birthday is this week.

Last year we went out, a great evening. Wonderful meal, danced, went for a chilly walk by the river downtown, went by the park to see the Christmas lights. I dropped off some food at my unit at the hospital, joked with my co-workers since I was ‘all dressed up’.  Wife took a picture of me at the restaurant, posted it on Facebook of me smiling, holding up a whiskey, captioned ‘love my handsome hubby, my favorite nurse’.

I was happy. All the struggle had been worth it. I was working my dream job and things were finally getting better.

The next two weeks we both worked our butts off, hardly saw each other as I was on an opposite schedule from her.

Christmas Eve we were both off, spent it with the kids, roaring fire, Alton Brown egg nog, and went to bed in matching Christmas pajamas. She left me the next morning and my world shattered.

I’m working on my birthday this year, coming home to an empty house (the kids will be with her).

I can’t believe it will be a year. A year of gut wrenching sadness, of struggling every day. There were two days this year when I didn’t cry at some point. Two days. The first two days of my new nursing job. They were great, wonderful. I was elated. Loved the job, the co-workers I was orienting with were awesome, and my bosses were just amazing, supportive and really welcomed me. I left work on that second day, on cloud nine, and called my wife on the way to pick up my kids, just excited to share how great my new job was, how optimistic I felt for the first time in months. I got off the phone, pulled into the highway, and I saw my eyes in the rear view mirror...and I thought “you don’t even have someone to share your great day with, all you could do was call her.”

I don’t know how to describe how much that hit me. It sounds wimpy abs childish, but it made me feel old and ugly and small and most of all just ALONE.
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Don't start a new relationship only because you feel alone. You have to work on yourself first.
Link Posted: 12/7/2020 4:00:30 AM EST
I honestly don't recommend anyone start any kind of new relationship when temporarily still broken with ANY female.  I'd get a cat or a dog first, if ya can't, go to an animal adoption place and volunteer so you can be in the kitten or puppy room to help socialize them( if they allow this with covid).  Animals can pick up on your feelings and don't judge or have Facebook accounts.
Link Posted: 12/7/2020 4:56:31 PM EST
Agreed.  You have to be happy with your own company before you try to bring a woman into the picture.  I’m not even there yet and I’ve been divorced 2 years and counting.
Link Posted: 12/7/2020 6:37:35 PM EST
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Originally Posted By Jus228:
Agreed.  You have to be happy with your own company before you try to bring a woman into the picture.  I’m not even there yet and I’ve been divorced 2 years and counting.
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Good job! You'll know when you're ready, as long as you don't lose focus in the face of temptation.
Link Posted: 12/7/2020 6:45:43 PM EST
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Originally Posted By CheckYourself:


Been a while since I checked in on this thread. Don't post often, but am glad we have some consistent beacons who are quick to offer advice and support.


@Marco

This was a very impactful post that I'm sure will speak to those going through difficult times and considering a "final" solution.

You're acknowledgment of the impacts felt by folks around someone who takes their own life reminded me of this monologue from The Blacklist.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urZxLdrwcbQ

Always thought it was a pretty profound analogy.

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very profound, and having been one of those people, why I could never make that choice no matter my own personal pain.

Link Posted: 12/9/2020 1:49:54 PM EST
I'm in a dark, dark, dark place.
Link Posted: 12/9/2020 1:55:56 PM EST
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Originally Posted By Sparky:
I'm in a dark, dark, dark place.
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Hey Sparky, What's up? I know you don't know me and I never visited this thread before but here we are.  Want to talk?
Link Posted: 12/9/2020 3:24:13 PM EST
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Originally Posted By Gingerbreadman:
This might just be a band-aid fix, but have you tried going to sleep with something playing in the background? I usually put on something like a South Park or Rick and Morty DVD when I go to bed. Its something that I've already seen, and am not worried about missing anything, but it also helps drown out a lot of the noise in my own head which makes it easier for me to fall asleep.
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I use digitized airplane propeller white noise.
Link Posted: 12/9/2020 3:58:04 PM EST
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Originally Posted By Bullseye100:


Hey Sparky, What's up? I know you don't know me and I never visited this thread before but here we are.  Want to talk?
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Originally Posted By Bullseye100:
Originally Posted By Sparky:
I'm in a dark, dark, dark place.


Hey Sparky, What's up? I know you don't know me and I never visited this thread before but here we are.  Want to talk?


Nevermind
Link Posted: 12/9/2020 6:27:21 PM EST
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Originally Posted By Sparky:


Nevermind
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Originally Posted By Sparky:
Originally Posted By Bullseye100:
Originally Posted By Sparky:
I'm in a dark, dark, dark place.


Hey Sparky, What's up? I know you don't know me and I never visited this thread before but here we are.  Want to talk?


Nevermind


Bro I know your story pretty well. Hit me up if you need something.
Link Posted: 12/9/2020 7:25:05 PM EST
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Originally Posted By denverdan:


Bro I know your story pretty well. Hit me up if you need something.
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Originally Posted By denverdan:
Originally Posted By Sparky:
Originally Posted By Bullseye100:
Originally Posted By Sparky:
I'm in a dark, dark, dark place.


Hey Sparky, What's up? I know you don't know me and I never visited this thread before but here we are.  Want to talk?


Nevermind


Bro I know your story pretty well. Hit me up if you need something.



It's way more than anything I have shared here and I'm tired.
Link Posted: 12/9/2020 7:54:54 PM EST
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Originally Posted By Sparky:



It's way more than anything I have shared here and I'm tired.
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Originally Posted By Sparky:
Originally Posted By denverdan:
Originally Posted By Sparky:
Originally Posted By Bullseye100:
Originally Posted By Sparky:
I'm in a dark, dark, dark place.


Hey Sparky, What's up? I know you don't know me and I never visited this thread before but here we are.  Want to talk?


Nevermind


Bro I know your story pretty well. Hit me up if you need something.



It's way more than anything I have shared here and I'm tired.


My offer still stands amigo.
Link Posted: 12/9/2020 9:50:59 PM EST
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Originally Posted By Sparky:



It's way more than anything I have shared here and I'm tired.
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Originally Posted By Sparky:
Originally Posted By denverdan:
Originally Posted By Sparky:
Originally Posted By Bullseye100:
Originally Posted By Sparky:
I'm in a dark, dark, dark place.


Hey Sparky, What's up? I know you don't know me and I never visited this thread before but here we are.  Want to talk?


Nevermind


Bro I know your story pretty well. Hit me up if you need something.



It's way more than anything I have shared here and I'm tired.


@Sparky

Give it some serious thought. Denverdan already knows some of your story, so he's the natural choice. Stepping out of your comfort zone is most often a good thing.
Link Posted: 12/13/2020 7:17:31 AM EST
[Last Edit: 12/13/2020 11:25:33 AM EST by Emeoba69]
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Originally Posted By Spec-4:
Haven't slept right since I don't remember when...the silence at night makes my chest feel tight. I have no real reason to feel this way...it's caused me to lose my job, my relationships are struggling, and life is fucked when you're asleep when the rest of the family is awake and vice versa...the last time I went out I blew up on a very close friend irrationally. Waiting for VA to get me to a therapist I just want to feel normal again
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A number one with a gun is taking a hard look at your caffeine consumption. My doctor refused to recommend me to a sleep study or prescribe a damn thing until I had weaned myself off of it completely. I was drinking 4-5 cups, and often a Monster, up until 4:30 in the afternoon. He pointed out with the half life of it is and what a typical cup of coffee had, believe me mine were much heavier pours, and did the math for me. I had the equivalent of 2.5-3 cups of coffee in my system during sleeping hours. Weaning off of it was one of the harder things Ive done and ultimately I didnt get to zero cups but at a certain level the sleep I was getting was a lot more beneficial to my daytime energy. Quality sleep at a minimum  and less waking up with caffeine helping drive the insomnia anxiety.

Dont know what youve tried yet but sitting in your bed staring into blackness after you wake up does not help at all. It is just you and your head. Also do that long enough and your body starts conforming to the norm of sitting in your bed awake. Ive come a long way with my insomnia. Started out leaving my room and going to the couch to read. Reading helped take my focus off of the dread of not sleeping and the swirling thoughts of what hell tomorrow is going to be. At first is was just to teach my body to get back to sleep. Eventually I go to the couch and put on a tv show ive seen a million times, so I didnt become engaged in the story, and it lulled me to sleep. It also helped me learn that you dont have to have perfect sleep hygiene to get good rest. Something that I used to beat myself up about. A big thing to do during this is the thought challenging cbt exercises. My mind would spin out and feel utterly hopeless, it would never end, Id never get better, tomorrow is going to be hell. Stopping myself, thinking, it cannot be completely hopeless I sleep like a baby on weekend nights or last Tuesday or when I was young. It is entirely possible to do because it happened before. I repeated it in my head for months. I still do just to remind myself. Eventually as I progressed Id have a bad sleep night but wouldnt be drained and irritable all day. It became a mental epiphany that even bad sleep wasnt a death sentence the next day mood wise. The positivity started to snow ball.

I was desperate and depressed over it, when outside stressors got bad, suicidal ideation would become normal day to day. Ive been improving for a year or so now. My clinician also weaned me off the prozac for other side effects and so far it has yielded even more positive results with my sleep and mood. With each week over the past few months it's gotten better and better. My mood is better than anytime I can remember in my life. I work customer service and have hated my job entirely, this year our business has gone insane with huge volume due to covid. Im more content with myself and my life even with 3x the stressors in the past.

It is possible to manange. You can do it.
Link Posted: 12/16/2020 5:58:49 PM EST
For background noise while you are sleeping, this is the best I have been able to find.



Link Posted: 12/22/2020 7:28:48 PM EST
[Last Edit: 12/22/2020 10:23:23 PM EST by CarmelBytheSea]
Link Posted: 12/22/2020 8:07:44 PM EST
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Originally Posted By CarmelBytheSea:
........
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@CarmelBytheSea

What's up my man?
Link Posted: 12/23/2020 11:55:22 AM EST
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Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Thanks for sharing Macro's post.

My birthday is this week.

Last year we went out, a great evening. Wonderful meal, danced, went for a chilly walk by the river downtown, went by the park to see the Christmas lights. I dropped off some food at my unit at the hospital, joked with my co-workers since I was 'all dressed up'.  Wife took a picture of me at the restaurant, posted it on Facebook of me smiling, holding up a whiskey, captioned 'love my handsome hubby, my favorite nurse'.

I was happy. All the struggle had been worth it. I was working my dream job and things were finally getting better.

The next two weeks we both worked our butts off, hardly saw each other as I was on an opposite schedule from her.

Christmas Eve we were both off, spent it with the kids, roaring fire, Alton Brown egg nog, and went to bed in matching Christmas pajamas. She left me the next morning and my world shattered.

I'm working on my birthday this year, coming home to an empty house (the kids will be with her).

I can't believe it will be a year. A year of gut wrenching sadness, of struggling every day. There were two days this year when I didn't cry at some point. Two days. The first two days of my new nursing job. They were great, wonderful. I was elated. Loved the job, the co-workers I was orienting with were awesome, and my bosses were just amazing, supportive and really welcomed me. I left work on that second day, on cloud nine, and called my wife on the way to pick up my kids, just excited to share how great my new job was, how optimistic I felt for the first time in months. I got off the phone, pulled into the highway, and I saw my eyes in the rear view mirror...and I thought "you don't even have someone to share your great day with, all you could do was call her."

I don't know how to describe how much that hit me. It sounds wimpy abs childish, but it made me feel old and ugly and small and most of all just ALONE.
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You still reach out to your wife, maybe out of reflex. Even after the horrible things she's done.

You need to focus on that, not what used to be. I had a bad break up once (not really as bad as yours, I don't think) and for months I was all heartbroken and strung along trying to remain "friends". She was a pathological liar and was telling more lies, it doesn't matter about what.

The point is, you can't always remain friends with an ex, that shouldn't really be a goal. I started focusing on the bad stuff I had been overlooking. On how much further along i would be if we had never met. It made me see that the person I was involved with, that I thought I loved didn't exist.

I quit keeping in touch. It was like a switch had been flipped and I was able to move on with my life. I focused on my parents who were alive at the time. On saving for a house. On hobbies.

I know you have to keep in touch because of the kids but you are still acting like she's your wife. Your first instinct is to reach out to your "wife".

She's an asshole. Be glad she's gone. You seem to have found a new job with coworkers you like  so that's a good first step.

Get a hobby, quit contacting her family. Quit thinking about the ex.

I just got a solar generator. It's all premade. But you can make some nice systems yourself and there are lots of resources out there. That might be a good hobby for you. It's useful, doesn't take up an unreasonable amount of space, and you have to learn different things about it, which would give your mind something to do besides think of the witch. That would be an interesting thing to do with the kids as well.

You should substitute "witch" for ex-wife in your mind and here when referring to her.
Link Posted: 12/23/2020 7:03:03 PM EST
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Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Thanks for sharing Macro’s post.

My birthday is this week.

Last year we went out, a great evening. Wonderful meal, danced, went for a chilly walk by the river downtown, went by the park to see the Christmas lights. I dropped off some food at my unit at the hospital, joked with my co-workers since I was ‘all dressed up’.  Wife took a picture of me at the restaurant, posted it on Facebook of me smiling, holding up a whiskey, captioned ‘love my handsome hubby, my favorite nurse’.

I was happy. All the struggle had been worth it. I was working my dream job and things were finally getting better.

The next two weeks we both worked our butts off, hardly saw each other as I was on an opposite schedule from her.

Christmas Eve we were both off, spent it with the kids, roaring fire, Alton Brown egg nog, and went to bed in matching Christmas pajamas. She left me the next morning and my world shattered.

I’m working on my birthday this year, coming home to an empty house (the kids will be with her).

I can’t believe it will be a year. A year of gut wrenching sadness, of struggling every day. There were two days this year when I didn’t cry at some point. Two days. The first two days of my new nursing job. They were great, wonderful. I was elated. Loved the job, the co-workers I was orienting with were awesome, and my bosses were just amazing, supportive and really welcomed me. I left work on that second day, on cloud nine, and called my wife on the way to pick up my kids, just excited to share how great my new job was, how optimistic I felt for the first time in months. I got off the phone, pulled into the highway, and I saw my eyes in the rear view mirror...and I thought “you don’t even have someone to share your great day with, all you could do was call her.”

I don’t know how to describe how much that hit me. It sounds wimpy abs childish, but it made me feel old and ugly and small and most of all just ALONE.
View Quote


I've been through some of what you're going through.  Cheating wife, Borderline Personality Disorder.  

A couple of things...

One, congratulations, you've made it through a year.  Everything up to this point has been a year of "Firsts".  First holiday, first birthday, etc.  And you've made it through!  
From this point on, everything is somewhat easier because you've already shown yourself you're capable of going through it.  After this, you know you can handle it.  

Second (and the tougher part), you cannot let your self-value be defined by another person.  You are your own person; not an accessory or ornamentation of someone else.  
What I mean is this.  Do not define yourself by who you're with or what you have.  Define yourself by Who You Are.  And if you don't like some parts of who you are, pick one and change it.  
Are you a good father?  Are you a hard worker?  Are you loyal and trustworthy?  You get to decide those things, no one else.  

Stop using your ex-wife as a measuring stick of your happiness or sadness, your self-worth, your success or failure.  She is not you.  She is not your responsibility, not any longer.  
You aren't responsible for her happiness or sadness any more than she is responsible for yours.  

Think of it this way.  You've been psychologically ripped open.  You're torn and bleeding.  The wound is deep and raw.  
You have to heal yourself.  You have to give yourself time to heal.  To become whole and strong once again.  
Recognize that about yourself.  Accept it.  Know that it takes time, but know that time is the great healer.
And the good news is, you've made it through a year.  You know you can do it.  

I can promise you this.  When you come out on the other side, you're gonna be totally amazed at how strong you are as a person.  
Shit that would've knocked you back on your heels in the past is gonna feel like a stiff breeze.  You'll know how to lean in and keep moving forward.  

Finally, last piece of advice.  Two crippled people can't lean on each other for support.  It doesn't work.  
Avoid ALL other relationships with people that are also "wounded".  Become mentally healthy and whole first, then look/take that next step forward.  

There's an organization called DivorceCare.  I'd encourage you to see if there's classes in your area.  
It's amazing how much you'll learn about yourself and what you're going though.
Link Posted: 12/23/2020 9:56:09 PM EST
I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up,
           And have not let my enemies rejoice over me.
           LORD my God,
           I cried to You for help, and You healed me.

           LORD, You have brought up my soul from Sheol;
           You have kept me alive, that I would not go down to the pit.

      Sing praise to the LORD, you His godly ones,
           And give thanks to His holy name.

      For His anger is but for a moment,
           His favor is for a lifetime;
           Weeping may last for the night,
           But a shout of joy comes in the morning.

      Now as for me, I said in my prosperity,
           “I will never be moved.”

      O LORD, by Your favor You have made my mountain to stand strong;
           You hid Your face, I was dismayed.

      To You, O LORD, I called,
           And to the Lord I made supplication:

      “What profit is there in my blood, if I go down to the pit?
           Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your faithfulness?

       “Hear, O LORD, and be gracious to me;
           O LORD, be my helper.”

       You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
           You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,

       That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.
           O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
Link Posted: 12/24/2020 9:13:58 AM EST
Trying to hold myself together today. Tomorrow, Christmas Day, is the day she walked out.

I’m dropping the kids off on my way into work tonight, they’re with her for the next week.

My fourteen year old no longer has anything to do with her moth her, she refuses to see or talk to her and lives with me full time. It’s a blessing in some ways, I want drink if she’s in the house and as much as I’ve entertained the idea of walking out into the snow, laying down under a tree and closing my eyes, I’d never do that with my daughter here.

I thought today hurt but it feels like tomorrow is going to suck more than anything I’ve ever dealt with. Long, long drive home in the morning. Ex asked that I stop by to watch the kids open their presents, they want their dad with them at Christmas. Don’t know how to say no without being an asshole to them. The guy who fucks her is gonna be there.
Link Posted: 12/24/2020 10:12:37 AM EST
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Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Trying to hold myself together today. Tomorrow, Christmas Day, is the day she walked out.

I’m dropping the kids off on my way into work tonight, they’re with her for the next week.

My fourteen year old no longer has anything to do with her moth her, she refuses to see or talk to her and lives with me full time. It’s a blessing in some ways, I want drink if she’s in the house and as much as I’ve entertained the idea of walking out into the snow, laying down under a tree and closing my eyes, I’d never do that with my daughter here.

I thought today hurt but it feels like tomorrow is going to suck more than anything I’ve ever dealt with. Long, long drive home in the morning. Ex asked that I stop by to watch the kids open their presents, they want their dad with them at Christmas. Don’t know how to say no without being an asshole to them. The guy who fucks her is gonna be there.
View Quote


Don't let your ex make you out the bad guy if you don't want to play the part of cuckold with her new stud. The kids understand that SHE created this awkward situation out of selfishness and broken vows and now wants to have her cake and eat it too to ease her conscience.

Enjoy the time with your daughter, cook up a nice meal, bake some cookies, lend an ear and give advice if she is having angst, watch a funny holiday movie, go to church if you are a believer, create new traditions with her to to replace the old ones. Keep busy as you adjust to your new reality and stay off the sauce if you can't stop at one. I'll say a prayer for you.
Link Posted: 12/24/2020 12:58:14 PM EST
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Originally Posted By Repairman_Jack:


I've been through some of what you're going through.  Cheating wife, Borderline Personality Disorder.  

A couple of things...

One, congratulations, you've made it through a year.  Everything up to this point has been a year of "Firsts".  First holiday, first birthday, etc.  And you've made it through!  
From this point on, everything is somewhat easier because you've already shown yourself you're capable of going through it.  After this, you know you can handle it.  

Second (and the tougher part), you cannot let your self-value be defined by another person.  You are your own person; not an accessory or ornamentation of someone else.  
What I mean is this.  Do not define yourself by who you're with or what you have.  Define yourself by Who You Are.  And if you don't like some parts of who you are, pick one and change it.  
Are you a good father?  Are you a hard worker?  Are you loyal and trustworthy?  You get to decide those things, no one else.  

Stop using your ex-wife as a measuring stick of your happiness or sadness, your self-worth, your success or failure.  She is not you.  She is not your responsibility, not any longer.  
You aren't responsible for her happiness or sadness any more than she is responsible for yours.  

Think of it this way.  You've been psychologically ripped open.  You're torn and bleeding.  The wound is deep and raw.  
You have to heal yourself.  You have to give yourself time to heal.  To become whole and strong once again.  
Recognize that about yourself.  Accept it.  Know that it takes time, but know that time is the great healer.
And the good news is, you've made it through a year.  You know you can do it.  

I can promise you this.  When you come out on the other side, you're gonna be totally amazed at how strong you are as a person.  
Shit that would've knocked you back on your heels in the past is gonna feel like a stiff breeze.  You'll know how to lean in and keep moving forward.  

Finally, last piece of advice.  Two crippled people can't lean on each other for support.  It doesn't work.  
Avoid ALL other relationships with people that are also "wounded".  Become mentally healthy and whole first, then look/take that next step forward.  

There's an organization called DivorceCare.  I'd encourage you to see if there's classes in your area.  
It's amazing how much you'll learn about yourself and what you're going though.
View Quote


This is incredibly insightful.
Link Posted: 12/24/2020 3:53:04 PM EST
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Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Trying to hold myself together today. Tomorrow, Christmas Day, is the day she walked out.

I’m dropping the kids off on my way into work tonight, they’re with her for the next week.

My fourteen year old no longer has anything to do with her moth her, she refuses to see or talk to her and lives with me full time. It’s a blessing in some ways, I want drink if she’s in the house and as much as I’ve entertained the idea of walking out into the snow, laying down under a tree and closing my eyes, I’d never do that with my daughter here.

I thought today hurt but it feels like tomorrow is going to suck more than anything I’ve ever dealt with. Long, long drive home in the morning. Ex asked that I stop by to watch the kids open their presents, they want their dad with them at Christmas. Don’t know how to say no without being an asshole to them. The guy who fucks her is gonna be there.
View Quote


Just calmly say, "thank you, no." Explain it to your kids in private.
Link Posted: 12/24/2020 11:08:53 PM EST
I'm not going to see my family on Christmas for the first time in 4 decades.  I'm good with that, I'll get to spend time with mom later.

Im here if anyone is having issues with the holidays PM me.  I'll be up for another hour or so.
Link Posted: 12/24/2020 11:38:49 PM EST
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Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Trying to hold myself together today. Tomorrow, Christmas Day, is the day she walked out.

I'm dropping the kids off on my way into work tonight, they're with her for the next week.

My fourteen year old no longer has anything to do with her moth her, she refuses to see or talk to her and lives with me full time. It's a blessing in some ways, I want drink if she's in the house and as much as I've entertained the idea of walking out into the snow, laying down under a tree and closing my eyes, I'd never do that with my daughter here.

I thought today hurt but it feels like tomorrow is going to suck more than anything I've ever dealt with. Long, long drive home in the morning. Ex asked that I stop by to watch the kids open their presents, they want their dad with them at Christmas. Don't know how to say no without being an asshole to them. The guy who fucks her is gonna be there.
View Quote

She's jerking your chain. She doesn't want you to see the kids open their presents, she wants you to see your kids happy in a family without you.

Didn't you have the kids until she played some time trade game with you? And you acquiesced? Or was that a different holiday. Or all holidays.

Your 14 yo seems to be on the right track.
Link Posted: 12/25/2020 12:07:22 AM EST
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Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Trying to hold myself together today. Tomorrow, Christmas Day, is the day she walked out.

I’m dropping the kids off on my way into work tonight, they’re with her for the next week.

My fourteen year old no longer has anything to do with her moth her, she refuses to see or talk to her and lives with me full time. It’s a blessing in some ways, I want drink if she’s in the house and as much as I’ve entertained the idea of walking out into the snow, laying down under a tree and closing my eyes, I’d never do that with my daughter here.

I thought today hurt but it feels like tomorrow is going to suck more than anything I’ve ever dealt with. Long, long drive home in the morning. Ex asked that I stop by to watch the kids open their presents, they want their dad with them at Christmas. Don’t know how to say no without being an asshole to them. The guy who fucks her is gonna be there.
View Quote

I have felt your pain, many of us have... now reach down between your legs. Do you feel something? Those are your balls.
Tell her fuck no! Make your own holiday traditions without her. move on with your life. You don’t have to hate her but realize she is not the woman you believed she was. Treat her with indifference, it is a business relationship now. Do what is best for your business and move on with your life create new memories with your kids that doesn’t involve her. Quit letting her control you.
Link Posted: 12/25/2020 6:31:31 PM EST
I stopped over on my way home from work. Drank a cup of coffee, watched the kiddos open their  presents. Didn’t fight, didn’t argue, just sat and loved on my children and let them enjoy Christmas.

Didn’t discuss the divorce. Didn’t make small talk. Focused on my children. When they were done opening gifts, I hugged them, ex and I briefly discussed what time to pick them up on Wednesday, and I left. She gave me one gift, a bottle of Glenmorangie 12.

On my way in to work now.

Link Posted: 12/26/2020 12:10:42 PM EST
[Last Edit: 12/26/2020 12:11:03 PM EST by doty_soty]
I’m so glad I found this thread. It’s consoling to see how many of us have been to that dark place. I’m there now. I hurt. Sometimes it’s an overwhelming panic attack, sometimes it’s an empty numbness. Please, just keep me in your thoughts. You’re in mine.
Link Posted: 12/28/2020 5:40:24 PM EST
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Originally Posted By doty_soty:
I’m so glad I found this thread. It’s consoling to see how many of us have been to that dark place. I’m there now. I hurt. Sometimes it’s an overwhelming panic attack, sometimes it’s an empty numbness. Please, just keep me in your thoughts. You’re in mine.
View Quote


You’re definitely not alone.  (Unfortunately) hang in there.  Tomorrow is a brand new day.  Keep fighting.  It’s all any of us can do.  Wish I could take my own advice.  But I’m a miserable bastard.
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