Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
No, actually yesterday he gave her a ring and she accepted. Wedding is in June. Got that news in a text.

Originally Posted By Spec-4:
Haven't slept right since I don't remember when...the silence at night makes my chest feel tight. I have no real reason to feel this way...it's caused me to lose my job, my relationships are struggling, and life is fucked when you're asleep when the rest of the family is awake and vice versa...the last time I went out I blew up on a very close friend irrationally. Waiting for VA to get me to a therapist I just want to feel normal again

Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
I have nobody to snuggle with, so there’s that. But yeah, even if I could, I wouldn’t do that.

Originally Posted By DstryrOfWrlds:


I would offer to snuggle with you but Mrs. DoW might have a few objections.

(Here is a virtual snuggle)

Originally Posted By veritas8985:


As dumb as this sounds, try getting a small box fan and turning it on low when you sleep.  It will take a week or so to get used to, but it will help.

Also, try taking some Melatonin about a half hour before bed.  Again, it will take a week or two to get used to.  Dirt cheap in the vitamin section.

I tried all sorts of meds from my doc and after too many side effects I decided to try the things listed above.  It took a little while, but ended up working out better.

Originally Posted By Jus228:


This.  A little white noise is fantastic when your fucking mind won’t shut up.  I don’t care what it is, just something to drown out your own voice in your head.  I know cause mine won’t shut up EVER.

Originally Posted By Jus228:
I love you guys.  If i could wash away all your pain and suffering and make you whole i would.  I was on vacation last week and it was nice, i never even had the urge to drink.  Back to work and it’s already driving me to drink so here i am, pretty tipsy by 5pm just so i can go to sleep tonight with some kind of peace.  Wish i wasn’t stupid and could land a good paying job instead of the shit that I’m dealing with now just so that i can eat and have a roof over my head.

Fuggers in my head never shut the fuck up!

"I am not schizophrenic"
"Yes we are!"
"Shut the fuck up, all of you, I am trying to sleep!"

Originally Posted By jarhead13:
I’m not an “open” person, I always feel that 87% of everyone wants something from you! It takes me a long time to make friends.
That said, my siblings live in Va, Tenn, and NH. Dad passed away 3 years ago, he was 97. Mom passed away last year 12-31. She was 96.
I’m kind of ambivalent towards my siblings. I love them, but couldn’t care less if I see them again. I was able to buy mom and dad’s house, my mortgage is affordable and I have a good steady job, 33 years same place.
Yeah I’m kinda rambling, I guess I’m just kind of venting, I met a few ARF’rs and some were cool, some were the gray man and a couple..... well I’ll leave it at that.
I guess I just felt like rambling and posting just to blow some pressure.
That time of year and I’m just missing mom, most of the time I don’t think about it, but, yeah, she has a way to sneak in.

Originally Posted By wtfboombrb:


The holidays are rough for me. I turned down an invitation to a thanksgiving dinner with friends. I'd rather spend the day by myself as opposed to celebrating with other families and afterward coming home to an empty apartment.

That probably sounds odd to those who haven't experienced it, but no longer having a family is something I don't want to be reminded of.

Originally Posted By macro:
32 years (and about 15 hours) ago, Walter Kulkusky put a .22WMR revolver in his mouth, pulled the trigger, and ended his life. No one knew why. We still don't. He was my best friend, but not I, not his family, and not one other friend ever had a clue that he was hurting so bad that suicide was a realistic idea to him. Whatever it was that he perceived was so bad in his life that at the age of 16, that morning he decided that things had gotten so fucked up that his only way out was to put a bullet through the palate of his mouth, through his brain, and out the top of his skull.

Why do I share this story tonight?

A couple of reasons.

First, they say that time heals all wounds.
Yeah...not really. This all happened over 3 decades ago, and I can still replay every minute of that day in my head like a movie I've seen a thousand times. I can recite the lines, feel the emotions, see his face, and feel the sting when I got the news that the cops found his body slumped over on the ground under a nearby pine tree. You may not think so, but people like you (I suspect maybe a few even love you). They will never get over it if you choose to take this route. If those people mean anything at all, think about that.


Another thought: You are hurting. Bad. You don't see a way out. Maybe (probably) you don't think there even is a way out. Meanwhile, I would bet that many folks who CAN HELP YOU don't even know what you are going through. No matter what you are involved in, HELP IS AVAILABLE. Tell someone what the fuck is going through your mind. It's not weak to ask for help. Frankly, it's fucking stupid and weak not to.

I don't see the world through rose colored lenses. I haven't in about 32 years. The world has the capacity to be a cruel, evil, fucked up place. There is a lot of darkness in this life. I've experienced it...it's real. That said...play the game to win. You can't win if you quit the game.

You can call me a boomer (I'm not) but the older I get, the more I value life, and the more I see how shortsighted I was in my younger years. I can't count how many times I felt I was stuck in some insurmountable dilemma, with no way out. I've seen it all: substance abuse, crippling debt, broken families, on the run from people...I've been around some pretty destitute folks, and let's be honest...I was the company I kept.

There was ALWAYS A WAY OUT.


Look, I don't know what you are going through, and I won't pretend to. I'm not you, and you aren't me. I'll never say, "I know how you feel", because that is bullshit. Only you know what is happening between your ears. That said, I know for a fact that whatever you are involved in can be resolved without you cashing your chips out tonight. I know that from experience, and I promise you that it is truth.

Bottom line, tell someone what is going on. You might be surprised not only how much someone else might care, but how resourceful they can be in helping you resolve whatever your trouble is. Got no one? Send me a PM or an email. Yeah, I'm a total stranger. So what? I can assure you that I give a shit, and maybe that's enough. There is nothing you are involved in that can't be dealt with.

Walter never even got the opportunity to see the world through adult eyes. He had no perspective. He chose a path that led him down a one-way, dead-end street. Somewhere...on the other side...he remains at the end of that street...alone...forever.

Don't be Walter.

Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Thanks for sharing Macro’s post.

My birthday is this week.

Last year we went out, a great evening. Wonderful meal, danced, went for a chilly walk by the river downtown, went by the park to see the Christmas lights. I dropped off some food at my unit at the hospital, joked with my co-workers since I was ‘all dressed up’.  Wife took a picture of me at the restaurant, posted it on Facebook of me smiling, holding up a whiskey, captioned ‘love my handsome hubby, my favorite nurse’.

I was happy. All the struggle had been worth it. I was working my dream job and things were finally getting better.

The next two weeks we both worked our butts off, hardly saw each other as I was on an opposite schedule from her.

Christmas Eve we were both off, spent it with the kids, roaring fire, Alton Brown egg nog, and went to bed in matching Christmas pajamas. She left me the next morning and my world shattered.

I’m working on my birthday this year, coming home to an empty house (the kids will be with her).

I can’t believe it will be a year. A year of gut wrenching sadness, of struggling every day. There were two days this year when I didn’t cry at some point. Two days. The first two days of my new nursing job. They were great, wonderful. I was elated. Loved the job, the co-workers I was orienting with were awesome, and my bosses were just amazing, supportive and really welcomed me. I left work on that second day, on cloud nine, and called my wife on the way to pick up my kids, just excited to share how great my new job was, how optimistic I felt for the first time in months. I got off the phone, pulled into the highway, and I saw my eyes in the rear view mirror...and I thought “you don’t even have someone to share your great day with, all you could do was call her.”

I don’t know how to describe how much that hit me. It sounds wimpy abs childish, but it made me feel old and ugly and small and most of all just ALONE.

Originally Posted By Jus228:
Agreed.  You have to be happy with your own company before you try to bring a woman into the picture.  I’m not even there yet and I’ve been divorced 2 years and counting.

Originally Posted By CheckYourself:


Been a while since I checked in on this thread. Don't post often, but am glad we have some consistent beacons who are quick to offer advice and support.


@Marco

This was a very impactful post that I'm sure will speak to those going through difficult times and considering a "final" solution.

You're acknowledgment of the impacts felt by folks around someone who takes their own life reminded me of this monologue from The Blacklist.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urZxLdrwcbQ

Always thought it was a pretty profound analogy.

Originally Posted By Sparky:
I'm in a dark, dark, dark place.

Originally Posted By Gingerbreadman:
This might just be a band-aid fix, but have you tried going to sleep with something playing in the background? I usually put on something like a South Park or Rick and Morty DVD when I go to bed. Its something that I've already seen, and am not worried about missing anything, but it also helps drown out a lot of the noise in my own head which makes it easier for me to fall asleep.

Originally Posted By Spec-4:
Haven't slept right since I don't remember when...the silence at night makes my chest feel tight. I have no real reason to feel this way...it's caused me to lose my job, my relationships are struggling, and life is fucked when you're asleep when the rest of the family is awake and vice versa...the last time I went out I blew up on a very close friend irrationally. Waiting for VA to get me to a therapist I just want to feel normal again

Originally Posted By CarmelBytheSea:
........

Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Thanks for sharing Macro's post.

My birthday is this week.

Last year we went out, a great evening. Wonderful meal, danced, went for a chilly walk by the river downtown, went by the park to see the Christmas lights. I dropped off some food at my unit at the hospital, joked with my co-workers since I was 'all dressed up'.  Wife took a picture of me at the restaurant, posted it on Facebook of me smiling, holding up a whiskey, captioned 'love my handsome hubby, my favorite nurse'.

I was happy. All the struggle had been worth it. I was working my dream job and things were finally getting better.

The next two weeks we both worked our butts off, hardly saw each other as I was on an opposite schedule from her.

Christmas Eve we were both off, spent it with the kids, roaring fire, Alton Brown egg nog, and went to bed in matching Christmas pajamas. She left me the next morning and my world shattered.

I'm working on my birthday this year, coming home to an empty house (the kids will be with her).

I can't believe it will be a year. A year of gut wrenching sadness, of struggling every day. There were two days this year when I didn't cry at some point. Two days. The first two days of my new nursing job. They were great, wonderful. I was elated. Loved the job, the co-workers I was orienting with were awesome, and my bosses were just amazing, supportive and really welcomed me. I left work on that second day, on cloud nine, and called my wife on the way to pick up my kids, just excited to share how great my new job was, how optimistic I felt for the first time in months. I got off the phone, pulled into the highway, and I saw my eyes in the rear view mirror...and I thought "you don't even have someone to share your great day with, all you could do was call her."

I don't know how to describe how much that hit me. It sounds wimpy abs childish, but it made me feel old and ugly and small and most of all just ALONE.

Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Thanks for sharing Macro’s post.

My birthday is this week.

Last year we went out, a great evening. Wonderful meal, danced, went for a chilly walk by the river downtown, went by the park to see the Christmas lights. I dropped off some food at my unit at the hospital, joked with my co-workers since I was ‘all dressed up’.  Wife took a picture of me at the restaurant, posted it on Facebook of me smiling, holding up a whiskey, captioned ‘love my handsome hubby, my favorite nurse’.

I was happy. All the struggle had been worth it. I was working my dream job and things were finally getting better.

The next two weeks we both worked our butts off, hardly saw each other as I was on an opposite schedule from her.

Christmas Eve we were both off, spent it with the kids, roaring fire, Alton Brown egg nog, and went to bed in matching Christmas pajamas. She left me the next morning and my world shattered.

I’m working on my birthday this year, coming home to an empty house (the kids will be with her).

I can’t believe it will be a year. A year of gut wrenching sadness, of struggling every day. There were two days this year when I didn’t cry at some point. Two days. The first two days of my new nursing job. They were great, wonderful. I was elated. Loved the job, the co-workers I was orienting with were awesome, and my bosses were just amazing, supportive and really welcomed me. I left work on that second day, on cloud nine, and called my wife on the way to pick up my kids, just excited to share how great my new job was, how optimistic I felt for the first time in months. I got off the phone, pulled into the highway, and I saw my eyes in the rear view mirror...and I thought “you don’t even have someone to share your great day with, all you could do was call her.”

I don’t know how to describe how much that hit me. It sounds wimpy abs childish, but it made me feel old and ugly and small and most of all just ALONE.

Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Trying to hold myself together today. Tomorrow, Christmas Day, is the day she walked out.

I’m dropping the kids off on my way into work tonight, they’re with her for the next week.

My fourteen year old no longer has anything to do with her moth her, she refuses to see or talk to her and lives with me full time. It’s a blessing in some ways, I want drink if she’s in the house and as much as I’ve entertained the idea of walking out into the snow, laying down under a tree and closing my eyes, I’d never do that with my daughter here.

I thought today hurt but it feels like tomorrow is going to suck more than anything I’ve ever dealt with. Long, long drive home in the morning. Ex asked that I stop by to watch the kids open their presents, they want their dad with them at Christmas. Don’t know how to say no without being an asshole to them. The guy who fucks her is gonna be there.

Originally Posted By Repairman_Jack:


I've been through some of what you're going through.  Cheating wife, Borderline Personality Disorder.  

A couple of things...

One, congratulations, you've made it through a year.  Everything up to this point has been a year of "Firsts".  First holiday, first birthday, etc.  And you've made it through!  
From this point on, everything is somewhat easier because you've already shown yourself you're capable of going through it.  After this, you know you can handle it.  

Second (and the tougher part), you cannot let your self-value be defined by another person.  You are your own person; not an accessory or ornamentation of someone else.  
What I mean is this.  Do not define yourself by who you're with or what you have.  Define yourself by Who You Are.  And if you don't like some parts of who you are, pick one and change it.  
Are you a good father?  Are you a hard worker?  Are you loyal and trustworthy?  You get to decide those things, no one else.  

Stop using your ex-wife as a measuring stick of your happiness or sadness, your self-worth, your success or failure.  She is not you.  She is not your responsibility, not any longer.  
You aren't responsible for her happiness or sadness any more than she is responsible for yours.  

Think of it this way.  You've been psychologically ripped open.  You're torn and bleeding.  The wound is deep and raw.  
You have to heal yourself.  You have to give yourself time to heal.  To become whole and strong once again.  
Recognize that about yourself.  Accept it.  Know that it takes time, but know that time is the great healer.
And the good news is, you've made it through a year.  You know you can do it.  

I can promise you this.  When you come out on the other side, you're gonna be totally amazed at how strong you are as a person.  
Shit that would've knocked you back on your heels in the past is gonna feel like a stiff breeze.  You'll know how to lean in and keep moving forward.  

Finally, last piece of advice.  Two crippled people can't lean on each other for support.  It doesn't work.  
Avoid ALL other relationships with people that are also "wounded".  Become mentally healthy and whole first, then look/take that next step forward.  

There's an organization called DivorceCare.  I'd encourage you to see if there's classes in your area.  
It's amazing how much you'll learn about yourself and what you're going though.

Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Trying to hold myself together today. Tomorrow, Christmas Day, is the day she walked out.

I’m dropping the kids off on my way into work tonight, they’re with her for the next week.

My fourteen year old no longer has anything to do with her moth her, she refuses to see or talk to her and lives with me full time. It’s a blessing in some ways, I want drink if she’s in the house and as much as I’ve entertained the idea of walking out into the snow, laying down under a tree and closing my eyes, I’d never do that with my daughter here.

I thought today hurt but it feels like tomorrow is going to suck more than anything I’ve ever dealt with. Long, long drive home in the morning. Ex asked that I stop by to watch the kids open their presents, they want their dad with them at Christmas. Don’t know how to say no without being an asshole to them. The guy who fucks her is gonna be there.

Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Trying to hold myself together today. Tomorrow, Christmas Day, is the day she walked out.

I'm dropping the kids off on my way into work tonight, they're with her for the next week.

My fourteen year old no longer has anything to do with her moth her, she refuses to see or talk to her and lives with me full time. It's a blessing in some ways, I want drink if she's in the house and as much as I've entertained the idea of walking out into the snow, laying down under a tree and closing my eyes, I'd never do that with my daughter here.

I thought today hurt but it feels like tomorrow is going to suck more than anything I've ever dealt with. Long, long drive home in the morning. Ex asked that I stop by to watch the kids open their presents, they want their dad with them at Christmas. Don't know how to say no without being an asshole to them. The guy who fucks her is gonna be there.

Originally Posted By RevolverRO:
Trying to hold myself together today. Tomorrow, Christmas Day, is the day she walked out.

I’m dropping the kids off on my way into work tonight, they’re with her for the next week.

My fourteen year old no longer has anything to do with her moth her, she refuses to see or talk to her and lives with me full time. It’s a blessing in some ways, I want drink if she’s in the house and as much as I’ve entertained the idea of walking out into the snow, laying down under a tree and closing my eyes, I’d never do that with my daughter here.

I thought today hurt but it feels like tomorrow is going to suck more than anything I’ve ever dealt with. Long, long drive home in the morning. Ex asked that I stop by to watch the kids open their presents, they want their dad with them at Christmas. Don’t know how to say no without being an asshole to them. The guy who fucks her is gonna be there.

Originally Posted By doty_soty:
I’m so glad I found this thread. It’s consoling to see how many of us have been to that dark place. I’m there now. I hurt. Sometimes it’s an overwhelming panic attack, sometimes it’s an empty numbness. Please, just keep me in your thoughts. You’re in mine.