So there I was, in my bathroom about to take a piss and I see this huge fucking spider near my feet.

I backed up and went HOLY FUCK ITS A MASSIVE SPIDER! Upon closer looking, it looked like a funnelweb.  For those who dont know, a funnelweb is one of the most deadly spiders in the world.  In the US, you have the recluse spider.  WIth the recluse if you leave the bite you get some nasty wound.  With a funnelweb, if you leave the bite  YOU WILL DIE

Being a human, and therefore smart, I immediately bladed at 45.  I said in a loud and firm voice "YOU WILL NOT BITE MY TOE, YOU WILL NOT LOOK AT MY COCK" and then went and retrieved my human anti spider nuke, a can of insect spray. Stupidly of me, I chose the surface spray, which doesnt kill as fast but lingers longer.  Australian law forbids us from carrying weapons, so I could not immediately use the can of insecticide.  I had to go and unlock our fly spray safe.

I dont mind spiders, but I HATE, absolutely HATE spiders that are perverts.  I could see him looking at me in anticipation for me to drop my pants.

I went back to the bathroom and I sprayed the bastard with a good healthy dose. The bastard then did a ZERG RUSH at me. It chased me about 3metres before I picked up a different can of insect spray, this time the fast killing raping kind.

Like a fool, I thought he was dead.  I coated the bastard with both sprays.  I must have used half a bloody can!  I even went and posted about it on another forum because I thought that was the end of that encounter.  Knowing nobody would believe my story, I went and retrieved my trusty camera.  I went back to the spider and IT WAS NOT THERE!  It was still alive and crawling across the room!

Despite being sprayed by half a can of DEATH, the bastard was still alive!  Perhaps it was some kind of zombie spider!

As I type, a good 25mins after the initial confrontation, it still crawling around


Pics will be posted tomorrow.  Kinda lazy now.  Its night time so I am lazy.

I looked up the spider identification and it appears to be a male funnelweb spider. If it bit me, I would be pretty fucked.

Tomorrow im going around with outdoor surface spray and fucking funnelweb proofing my house.


ETA:  Pics posted

this thread needs fire combined w/ spray can





Speed

Good shoot.



I will look forward to photographic evidence of this scourge and it's demise.

LOL

put on your boots and step on him.

a web shaped like a funnel...

good story, it made me laugh. sounds like you need a boot or a something to smash that thing with.

Pics or GTFO
I can't beleive noone said this yet.

I didn't toast it or stomp it because I needed evidence.  Nobody on the interweb would believe me if I didnt take pics!

That, and my family wouldnt believe me either.  We have lived in this place for a good 18yrs and never seen a funnelweb near the house, only in the garden.

How far away is the garden?

To get into the house, the spider would have needed to cross about 2m of open concrete.  You dont see them often in open areas, mainly in the scrub

Pics coming soon

you need a homemade blow torch, in fact burning the house down is the only way to be sure

Sorry for the crappiness of the pics







The red arrow is pointing to a spur on its legs, identifying it as a funnelweb.  Kinda hard to see in the pics but you can see it IRL

The things coming out of its arse also identify it as a funnelweb.  The large size makes it a funnelweb, not a mouse spider or a trap door spider.

Its body is about 3cm in length.  Legs about 10?cm in diameter



ETA:  I seem to have focused on the floor instead of the spider.  Fail at photography

Holy shit!

Looks like the fucker in ROTK.

He was just waving at you...

Just wondering. Here in the US EVERY single brown colored spider is all of a sudden a Brown Recluse. I was wondering if everyone in Australia attributes every spider to being a Funnel Web.

Not saying you misidentified the beas because you did correctly ID it. Just wondered if people do the same.

We got funnel web spiders in the US but they are entirely different and fairly harmless.

That is a big ass spider!

Stay in the boat.  Just stay in the boat ...

Theres a heap of spiders here.

100% sure its a funnelweb, as explained in my pic post.  There are 2 other spiders that look similar, but the things that are coming out of their arse are alot smaller, and neither have the spurs.

When you grow up in aus, you also are raised to recognise what snakes and spiders are not friendly, and which are OK.

He can't step on the spider. Might scare some children.

Did you- or did you not- utter the phrase "Crikey" at any time during this altercation?

Further, were any beverages spilled?  If they were this would go from being a comedy to a tragedy.

wouldn't it be easier to  just ID which ones are harmless. Seems most snakes you guys have are nasty.

What's a metre?

No, I did say HOLY SHIT!  SHIT A FUCKING BRICK!  FUCK ME DEAD THAT BASTARD IS MASSIVE!

We swear alot here.

No beverages were spilled.  The beverages were sitting on the table




Its more fun to identify whats dangerous

What everyone else in the world uses

Hey fiftyCalibre, just be glad it wasn't one of those camel/desert spiders!!!!!

Aaahhh.. Some furriner thing like Orangina and David Hasselhof.  Got it

Those funnel orb spiders are all over NC/SC

hell no!   "hello spider, nice to meet you, let me introduce you to Mr. Hammer"

Protip: insect spray is no good for killing spiders. The only way it works is if you literally drown them in it.

Get a crushin' stick.

Wha?

In all the years (15) that I passed through and spent time in Australia, not once did anyone warn us about the Funnel Web Spider. It wasn't until later when I read about them, I thought to myself, "Gee...wouldn't THAT have been nice to know!"

banned in Australia.  crushin sticks, and rocks.  And pre ban rocks are scarce.

Australia has every single kind of bite your dick off, suck your blood, dissolve your flesh,  turn you to a  Zombie, make you scream like a 5 year old girl, nightmarish, eat your kids, eat your boogers disgusting insect on earth.  And snakes that eat them for snacks!  GTFO.

A metre is a meter in British English (redundant huh?).  A meter is a unit of length that it a bit longer than our yard (three feet).  Saying that the spider chased him 3 meteres means about 10 feet.

My paintfu is weak

When I lived in Texas I was told that the reason some cowboy boots have pointy toes is you can squish the roaches when they hide in the corners.

Oh No.  Now I have the mental image of Aussies dancing about like some kind of demented "Riverdance" on a stage full of spiders.

it appears that your penis broken.  Might want to have that looked at.

Actually, that is the Coriolis effect at work.

It is a Southern Hemisphere thing.

Holy Shit!

Obligatory posing pic




I realise I am dressed like a retard.  They are pajamas that my auntie gave me.  They look stupid but are so comfortable

Bug spray = no
Lighter + Bug Spray = Yes

KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!

Meh!....a real man, with a flick of the wrist, would have just killed it with his cock and gone about his day.

Next time, put flame in front of the spray can.

Can't..... breathe....  

Remember, I am asian














I would have killed it then deep fried it for a snack

<writes Australia down as place never to go>

Funny story!! (I never understood why people spend 5 minutes spraying something that takes a second to smash )

So you can take pics and post them on ARFCOM as evidence

Ummmm yeah! Australia the land where everything wants to either eat you or envenomate you.....yeah fuck that! Ill stick to bigfoot and volcano's thank you very much!

I'm not getting within smash distance of anything that venomous.  Fuck that shit.  I'd toss a leaky gas can and a lit rag into the bathroom first.