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Posted: 3/26/2009 4:35:15 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/26/2009 6:26:19 AM EDT by FiftyCalibre]
So there I was, in my bathroom about to take a piss and I see this huge fucking spider near my feet.

I backed up and went HOLY FUCK ITS A MASSIVE SPIDER! Upon closer looking, it looked like a funnelweb. For those who dont know, a funnelweb is one of the most deadly spiders in the world. In the US, you have the recluse spider. WIth the recluse if you leave the bite you get some nasty wound. With a funnelweb, if you leave the bite YOU WILL DIE

Being a human, and therefore smart, I immediately bladed at 45. I said in a loud and firm voice "YOU WILL NOT BITE MY TOE, YOU WILL NOT LOOK AT MY COCK" and then went and retrieved my human anti spider nuke, a can of insect spray. Stupidly of me, I chose the surface spray, which doesnt kill as fast but lingers longer. Australian law forbids us from carrying weapons, so I could not immediately use the can of insecticide. I had to go and unlock our fly spray safe.

I dont mind spiders, but I HATE, absolutely HATE spiders that are perverts. I could see him looking at me in anticipation for me to drop my pants.

I went back to the bathroom and I sprayed the bastard with a good healthy dose. The bastard then did a ZERG RUSH at me. It chased me about 3metres before I picked up a different can of insect spray, this time the fast killing raping kind.

Like a fool, I thought he was dead. I coated the bastard with both sprays. I must have used half a bloody can! I even went and posted about it on another forum because I thought that was the end of that encounter. Knowing nobody would believe my story, I went and retrieved my trusty camera. I went back to the spider and IT WAS NOT THERE! It was still alive and crawling across the room!

Despite being sprayed by half a can of DEATH, the bastard was still alive! Perhaps it was some kind of zombie spider!

As I type, a good 25mins after the initial confrontation, it still crawling around


Pics will be posted tomorrow. Kinda lazy now. Its night time so I am lazy.

I looked up the spider identification and it appears to be a male funnelweb spider. If it bit me, I would be pretty fucked.

Tomorrow im going around with outdoor surface spray and fucking funnelweb proofing my house.


ETA: Pics posted
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 4:37:35 AM EDT
this thread needs fire combined w/ spray can





Speed
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 4:37:47 AM EDT
Good shoot.

I will look forward to photographic evidence of this scourge and it's demise.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 4:39:09 AM EDT
LOL
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 4:39:27 AM EDT
put on your boots and step on him.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 4:39:36 AM EDT
a web shaped like a funnel...


Link Posted: 3/26/2009 4:40:25 AM EDT
good story, it made me laugh. sounds like you need a boot or a something to smash that thing with.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 4:41:01 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/26/2009 4:41:41 AM EDT by Dyallo]
Pics or GTFO
I can't beleive noone said this yet.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 4:43:07 AM EDT
I didn't toast it or stomp it because I needed evidence. Nobody on the interweb would believe me if I didnt take pics!

That, and my family wouldnt believe me either. We have lived in this place for a good 18yrs and never seen a funnelweb near the house, only in the garden.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 4:45:14 AM EDT
Originally Posted By FiftyCalibre:
That, and my family wouldnt believe me either. We have lived in this place for a good 18yrs and never seen a funnelweb near the house, only in the garden.



How far away is the garden?
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 4:55:59 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Nasal_Avenger:
Originally Posted By FiftyCalibre:
That, and my family wouldnt believe me either. We have lived in this place for a good 18yrs and never seen a funnelweb near the house, only in the garden.



How far away is the garden?


To get into the house, the spider would have needed to cross about 2m of open concrete. You dont see them often in open areas, mainly in the scrub

Pics coming soon
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 4:59:48 AM EDT
you need a homemade blow torch, in fact burning the house down is the only way to be sure
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:00:55 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/26/2009 5:01:37 AM EDT by FiftyCalibre]
Sorry for the crappiness of the pics







The red arrow is pointing to a spur on its legs, identifying it as a funnelweb. Kinda hard to see in the pics but you can see it IRL

The things coming out of its arse also identify it as a funnelweb. The large size makes it a funnelweb, not a mouse spider or a trap door spider.

Its body is about 3cm in length. Legs about 10?cm in diameter



ETA: I seem to have focused on the floor instead of the spider. Fail at photography
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:01:00 AM EDT
Originally Posted By EightySecond:
a web shaped like a funnel...


http://www.easttennesseewildflowers.com/albums/spiders/Funnel_web_spider10001.jpg


Holy shit!

Looks like the fucker in ROTK.

Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:02:05 AM EDT
He was just waving at you...

Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:03:06 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/26/2009 5:06:30 AM EDT by WildBoar]
Just wondering. Here in the US EVERY single brown colored spider is all of a sudden a Brown Recluse. I was wondering if everyone in Australia attributes every spider to being a Funnel Web.

Not saying you misidentified the beas because you did correctly ID it. Just wondered if people do the same.

We got funnel web spiders in the US but they are entirely different and fairly harmless.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:04:24 AM EDT
Originally Posted By EightySecond:
a web shaped like a funnel...


http://www.easttennesseewildflowers.com/albums/spiders/Funnel_web_spider10001.jpg


That is a big ass spider!
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:05:24 AM EDT
Stay in the boat. Just stay in the boat ...
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:06:04 AM EDT
Originally Posted By WildBoar:
Just wondering. Here in the US EVERY single brown colored spider is all of a sudden a Brown Recluse. I was wondering if everyone in Australia attributes every spider to being a Funnel Web.

Not saying you misidentified the beast. Just wondered if people do the same.


Theres a heap of spiders here.

100% sure its a funnelweb, as explained in my pic post. There are 2 other spiders that look similar, but the things that are coming out of their arse are alot smaller, and neither have the spurs.

When you grow up in aus, you also are raised to recognise what snakes and spiders are not friendly, and which are OK.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:07:16 AM EDT
He can't step on the spider. Might scare some children.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:07:34 AM EDT
Did you- or did you not- utter the phrase "Crikey" at any time during this altercation?

Further, were any beverages spilled? If they were this would go from being a comedy to a tragedy.

Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:07:47 AM EDT
Originally Posted By FiftyCalibre:

When you grow up in aus, you also are raised to recognize what snakes and spiders are not friendly, and which are OK.


wouldn't it be easier to just ID which ones are harmless. Seems most snakes you guys have are nasty.

Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:11:45 AM EDT
What's a metre?

Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:13:05 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Cheesebeast:
Did you- or did you not- utter the phrase "Crikey" at any time during this altercation?

Further, were any beverages spilled? If they were this would go from being a comedy to a tragedy.



No, I did say HOLY SHIT! SHIT A FUCKING BRICK! FUCK ME DEAD THAT BASTARD IS MASSIVE!

We swear alot here.

No beverages were spilled. The beverages were sitting on the table




Its more fun to identify whats dangerous

Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:13:50 AM EDT
Originally Posted By WinstonSmith:
What's a metre?



What everyone else in the world uses
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:17:19 AM EDT
Hey fiftyCalibre, just be glad it wasn't one of those camel/desert spiders!!!!!
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:17:32 AM EDT
Originally Posted By FiftyCalibre:
Originally Posted By WinstonSmith:
What's a metre?



What everyone else in the world uses


Aaahhh.. Some furriner thing like Orangina and David Hasselhof. Got it
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:20:07 AM EDT
Those funnel orb spiders are all over NC/SC
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:21:17 AM EDT
hell no! "hello spider, nice to meet you, let me introduce you to Mr. Hammer"
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:21:59 AM EDT
Protip: insect spray is no good for killing spiders. The only way it works is if you literally drown them in it.

Get a crushin' stick.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:23:28 AM EDT
Originally Posted By FiftyCalibre:
So there I was, in my bathroom about to take a piss and I see this huge fucking spider near my feet.

I backed up and went HOLY FUCK ITS A MASSIVE SPIDER! Upon closer looking, it looked like a funnelweb. For those who dont know, a funnelweb is one of the most deadly spiders in the world. In the US, you have the recluse spider. WIth the recluse if you leave the bite you get some nasty wound. With a funnelweb, if you leave the bite YOU WILL DIE

Being a human, and therefore smart, I immediately bladed at 45. I said in a loud and firm voice "YOU WILL NOT BITE MY TOE, YOU WILL NOT LOOK AT MY COCK" and then went and retrieved my human anti spider nuke, a can of insect spray. Stupidly of me, I chose the surface spray, which doesnt kill as fast but lingers longer. Australian law forbids us from carrying weapons, so I could not immediately use the can of insecticide. I had to go and unlock our fly spray safe.

I dont mind spiders, but I HATE, absolutely HATE spiders that are perverts. I could see him looking at me in anticipation for me to drop my pants.

I went back to the bathroom and I sprayed the bastard with a good healthy dose. The bastard then did a ZERG RUSH at me. It chased me about 3metres before I picked up a different can of insect spray, this time the fast killing raping kind.

Like a fool, I thought he was dead. I coated the bastard with both sprays. I must have used half a bloody can! I even went and posted about it on another forum because I thought that was the end of that encounter. Knowing nobody would believe my story, I went and retrieved my trusty camera. I went back to the spider and IT WAS NOT THERE! It was still alive and crawling across the room!

Despite being sprayed by half a can of DEATH, the bastard was still alive! Perhaps it was some kind of zombie spider!

As I type, a good 25mins after the initial confrontation, it still crawling around


Pics will be posted tomorrow. Kinda lazy now. Its night time so I am lazy.

I looked up the spider identification and it appears to be a male funnelweb spider. If it bit me, I would be pretty fucked.

Tomorrow im going around with outdoor surface spray and fucking funnelweb proofing my house.


Wha?

Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:26:39 AM EDT
In all the years (15) that I passed through and spent time in Australia, not once did anyone warn us about the Funnel Web Spider. It wasn't until later when I read about them, I thought to myself, "Gee...wouldn't THAT have been nice to know!"
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:26:52 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Lancair:
Protip: insect spray is no good for killing spiders. The only way it works is if you literally drown them in it.

Get a crushin' stick.


banned in Australia. crushin sticks, and rocks. And pre ban rocks are scarce.

Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:29:51 AM EDT
Australia has every single kind of bite your dick off, suck your blood, dissolve your flesh, turn you to a Zombie, make you scream like a 5 year old girl, nightmarish, eat your kids, eat your boogers disgusting insect on earth. And snakes that eat them for snacks! GTFO.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:32:26 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/26/2009 5:32:56 AM EDT by ArimoDave]
Originally Posted By WinstonSmith:
What's a metre?




A metre is a meter in British English (redundant huh?). A meter is a unit of length that it a bit longer than our yard (three feet). Saying that the spider chased him 3 meteres means about 10 feet.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:32:31 AM EDT


My paintfu is weak
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:32:45 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Lancair:
Protip: insect spray is no good for killing spiders. The only way it works is if you literally drown them in it.

Get a crushin' stick.


When I lived in Texas I was told that the reason some cowboy boots have pointy toes is you can squish the roaches when they hide in the corners.

Oh No. Now I have the mental image of Aussies dancing about like some kind of demented "Riverdance" on a stage full of spiders.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:37:47 AM EDT
Originally Posted By FiftyCalibre:
http://i42.tinypic.com/9ulo9z.jpg

My paintfu is weak


it appears that your penis broken. Might want to have that looked at.

Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:41:35 AM EDT
Originally Posted By rob78:
Originally Posted By FiftyCalibre:
http://i42.tinypic.com/9ulo9z.jpg

My paintfu is weak


it appears that your penis broken. Might want to have that looked at.



Actually, that is the Coriolis effect at work.

It is a Southern Hemisphere thing.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:44:19 AM EDT
Originally Posted By FiftyCalibre:
http://i42.tinypic.com/9ulo9z.jpg

My paintfu is weak




Holy Shit!
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:48:21 AM EDT
Obligatory posing pic




I realise I am dressed like a retard. They are pajamas that my auntie gave me. They look stupid but are so comfortable
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:49:18 AM EDT
Bug spray = no
Lighter + Bug Spray = Yes

KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:49:22 AM EDT
Meh!....a real man, with a flick of the wrist, would have just killed it with his cock and gone about his day.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:50:37 AM EDT
Next time, put flame in front of the spray can.
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:50:40 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Cheesebeast:
Originally Posted By rob78:
Originally Posted By FiftyCalibre:
http://i42.tinypic.com/9ulo9z.jpg

My paintfu is weak


it appears that your penis broken. Might want to have that looked at.



Actually, that is the Coriolis effect at work.

It is a Southern Hemisphere thing.


Can't..... breathe....
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:52:20 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Harvster:
Meh!....a real man, with a flick of the wrist, would have just killed it with his cock and gone about his day.


Remember, I am asian














I would have killed it then deep fried it for a snack
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 5:54:08 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Cheesebeast:
Originally Posted By rob78:
Originally Posted By FiftyCalibre:
http://i42.tinypic.com/9ulo9z.jpg

My paintfu is weak


it appears that your penis is broken. Might want to have that looked at.



Actually, that is the Coriolis effect at work.

It is a Southern Hemisphere thing.



<writes Australia down as place never to go>





Link Posted: 3/26/2009 6:02:22 AM EDT
Funny story!! (I never understood why people spend 5 minutes spraying something that takes a second to smash )
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 6:07:29 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Ghost013:
Funny story!! (I never understood why people spend 5 minutes spraying something that takes a second to smash )


So you can take pics and post them on ARFCOM as evidence
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 6:13:53 AM EDT
Ummmm yeah! Australia the land where everything wants to either eat you or envenomate you.....yeah fuck that! Ill stick to bigfoot and volcano's thank you very much!
Link Posted: 3/26/2009 6:15:16 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Ghost013:
Funny story!! (I never understood why people spend 5 minutes spraying something that takes a second to smash )


I'm not getting within smash distance of anything that venomous. Fuck that shit. I'd toss a leaky gas can and a lit rag into the bathroom first.
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