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Posted: 1/2/2003 2:21:02 PM EDT
Just got off the phone with the soon to be ex wife. I think she is on drugs, nuts, or both. We have agreed to a division of property in principle, but haven't signed yet. She did file on me on the 30th. Now, I don't feel it's the right thing, but whatever, I gotta use my head too, so I hired the lawyer I had consulted with, just to watch my back and do up a division of property agreement that will fly in court the first time. Him and the Sheriff recommended changing the locks so she can't remove any property without it being accounted for or pull any funny stuff, and also not meeting with her unless there are impartial witnesses.
Well, I wanted to start taking down all the home decorations and stuff, and packing them up, and redecorating the house, it really hurts to look at the house the way it is right now (as it was when she left). Now, I don't want to cause trouble, or be a jerk, I just want everything to go smoothly, get her her stuff, get me my stuff, and get out of this with my rights and dignity intact. Her oldest sister (the one with sense) was going to come out and help pack this stuff up (I am bad with glass!) and put it in the spare bedroom or the garage. The ex called me on it and wants to know why. I tell her that I can't stand looking at it anymore, if I am being forced to move on then it's time to do it, and looking at all her crap isn't helping. So she says she wants to come out on Saturday WITH HER BOYFRIEND AND HIS BROTHER and get her stuff instead, or I should leave it up. !!!!! I told her Saturday was no good because I was going to be gone, and I had changed the locks. HOLY SHTF! I am the most controlling, self righteous asshole that ever walked the earth....oh yeah, she wishes I was dead too! She hopes I get in a car wreck on the way to work. Hangs up on me. So I call her and leave voice mail....1. There is a trust issue with her lying to me and sneaking around, not trying to throw stuff around, just the facts ma'am. Changing the locks is just protection for me at the advice of the Sheriff AND the lawyer, I don't want to keep her stuff. 2. Why should I leave this stuff up? Please, explain to me how it is fair that she can leave me for another guy and file for divorce, be happy, but when I want to pack her crap away to help myself move on, that's wrong? Oh man, second call. It's her crap and she WILL get it, when SHE wants, it's her house and she shouldn't be locked out of it, yadda yadda. She takes issue that I don't trust her, then tries to equate me spending time with my friends rather than deal with her "silent treatment" crap as equal to her abandoning the marriage for another guy. I tried to calm her down......my only goal here is to ensure everything is done by the book and there are no legal hangups. "Yeah right..you are the most controlling asshole that ever walked the earth. What you care about is coming out of this looking like you are the good guy. I am sorry I ever met you!". So I call the lawyer, and ask how to handle it. Lawyer says to give her whatever she wants if we are in agreement, if I want to take the safe course, make a list of what she takes, and have her sign off on it. So I call her and leave the message. She calls me back again to tell me that she is coming to get her shit when I am away at work, even if she has to break a window, and she is taking everything, and she ain't signing anything for her own shit. I just told her that I am taking advice from people that know more about it than I do, I just want everything to go by the book and be done right so there are no hang ups and it gets through court. "I don't give a shit about the court!" she says. "And I want Uncle XXXX to get his $10,000 back!" (down payment on the house he gave us, the house is worth less than the mortgage balance so it ain't happening). I told her if that's how she wants to play it, we'll sell the house and be jointly responsible for making up the difference between the proceeds and the mortgage balance....that was the end of that part of the discussion. She calls me every name in the book again, says that she is in the right for doing something about "having to take my shit" (?) I just told her maybe she should have tried the right thing and made an effort for our marriage first. She says "whatever, I am done talking to you, have a shitty day". I told her "look, I do not want to be in conflict over this mess" Another "Whatever, you're an asshole". I just told her goodbye and hung up. Sorry guys, I just had to rant. This is going to get ugly, I just know it. This really sucks. I have to figure out how to defuse this, protect myself, and keep everything on the up and up. AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! |
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You should advise the sheriff that she's threatened to break into your house while you're away, at work.
You're doing the right thing. She seems to be a non-negotiable person. Continue to build your case. Keep your head clear and cool. Good job handling this the way you have, BTW. |
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I know very little about divorces, but I wish you the best of luck in keeping your belongings, the house, and your sanity.
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Quoted: You should advise the sheriff that she's threatened to break into your house while you're away, at work. You're doing the right thing. She seems to be a non-negotiable person. Continue to build your case. Keep your head clear and cool. Good job handling this the way you have, BTW. View Quote Thanks 82nd. I just learned that until the initial hearing, although I have the right to change the locks since she abandoned the household, she also has the right to have access. So I have gotten conflicting advice. My main concern is I don't know who else she will bring to the house, and I don't trust her or anybody she has been hanging with lately. |
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Quoted: So she says she wants to come out on Saturday WITH HER BOYFRIEND AND HIS BROTHER and get her stuff instead, or I should leave it up. !!!!! View Quote Don't let this happen, I did and things that were not supposed to leave magically disappeared and I had no proof that it even existed. Talk to your lawyer about finding someone impartial to witness and write down what is being taken! Quoted: Oh man, second call. I tried to calm her down......my only goal here is to ensure everything is done by the book and there are no legal hangups. "Yeah right..you are the most controlling asshole that ever walked the earth. What you care about is coming out of this looking like you are the good guy. I am sorry I ever met you!". View Quote Her trying to justify her actions, Women are basically insane! If you give her alot of room, then you don't care about her! If you are attentive to what she is doing then, you're a controlling manipulative A**hole. Quoted: Sorry guys, I just had to rant. This is going to get ugly, I just know it. This really sucks. I have to figure out how to defuse this, protect myself, and keep everything on the up and up. AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! View Quote Go ahead and rant all you want! Lot of guy's have walked this road and many will have suggestion's on how to protect yourself. |
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Bigfoot...at this point losing the sanity is what I fear the most!!
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Yep, she sounds like she's missing a wing-nut allright.
It's been beaten to death on this and other gun boards, but you might also want to consider putting your firearms in someone else's safekeeping until the paperwork finalizes. Seems like the first step in all too many divorces these days is trying to hit the other party with a restraining order. If she beats you to the punch, you could temporarily lose your guns. |
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Ski, thanks to the oodles of other instances of ths that have been posted right here, I got rid of the guns at the first sign of trouble, back during the summer...before I even had a handle on exactly what was happening.
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1. Call the police, make a report, get in writing that she threatened to break into your house while you were at work.
2. I would advise her that in no way and in no circumstances can she bring her boyfriend to your house to help her move. |
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The Kill,
Having been through a divorce, I hate to tell you this, but you have got to throw out your emotional attachment to her and get hard edged about everything. Stay business-like and focused. Get EVERYTHING in writing and negotiate for every piece of property! I didn't. When I was separated from her, she hocked almost all of my firearms. By the time I found out they were all sold by the pawn shops! Do NOT give up anything you don't HAVE to! |
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Just got off the phone with 2nd shift patrol supervisor at the Sheriff's office. Nothing they can do, since she has a legal right to access all marital property until the hearing. Shit. I may as well change the locks back so she don't have to break a window and hope her asshole boyfriend doesn't steal anything while I am at work.
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Quoted: Bigfoot...at this point losing the sanity is what I fear the most!! View Quote Women will make you do that sometimes, if not all the time. |
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TheKill,
Can you take some time off work to be there when she gets her stuff? She might try to do some damage just to be spiteful, in which case it will be hell's end when you'd get compensated for it. Try to be there when she is there, regardless of her bitchin. Also, I know you've heard this before but damn, it sounds like you will be better off without her. Hang in there and feel free to vent here anytime you need to. CMOS |
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Thanks, I almost forgot why I'm not married.
Good luck bro, I bet you haven't even seen half of what that harpie is capable of. oh, and if she brings the boyfriend over....Put on John Lenneon's Imagine(can substitute w/ Marvin Gayes' what's going on?) and clean your guns. dont wear anything but boxers and bunny slippers. Tell the boy friend to take good care of her because it took you a long time to teach her all that. |
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Quoted: Ski, thanks to the oodles of other instances of ths that have been posted right here, I got rid of the guns at the first sign of trouble, back during the summer...before I even had a handle on exactly what was happening. View Quote Interesting.....that was my 666th post. Talk about a coincidence.... |
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Is there a way you can set up a video system to see if she or her b/f enter your home and take or damage items? If so, I would set it up right away. Also, is it legal to take any of your own items to a different location? Or wouldn't that work?
Just trying to help. -Marksman |
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If you have one, I'd get a video camera and make a tape of any and all belongings, both in and outside the house. If you don't have a camera, try and borrow one from a friend, or see if you can rent one locally.
I'd also try and get video of the condition that the house is in, just in case it gets damaged when she breaks in. |
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I don't claim to have any experience in divorces, but it sounds like it might be helpful to record as many of your conversations with her as possible.
The locks/access thing sounds tricky. I think I'd say "If you want your stuff, be at the house at xxx. That's final." If she gets in while you are gone, I'd bet that a few extra things will be missing or damaged, and you'll probably never get any compensation for that. On the other hand, she'll probably have trouble getting anything done about not being allowed into the house while you aren't there. She sounds like a real psycho. I say don't even try to argue with her - you couldn't possibly win, and you'll both just get angrier. Plus, it probably looks better if any recorded conversations get replayed if you are calm and reasonable and she is yelling, screaming, and wishing you were dead. It sounds like the only good thing about this is there aren't any kids. |
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What does your lawyer say about her taking property from the house without documenting it?
Do you have a garage? If she wants here stuff then up and put it in there. Let her know where to find her stuff, lock the house, and don't be present when she and her boyfriend come over. All it takes is one comment, one raised voice, one mis-statement and they will claim you were angry, drunk, and threatening them. It will be their word against yours. I'm not sure why you are even talking directly with her. Why not have her communicate with you through your lawyer? If you don't want to do that, by the way she is reacting you should definately be recording the conversations. Don't call her, don't leave voice mail, don't email her. If you have to get in touch with her have your lawyer do it. While I didn't go through a divorce when I was in college I went through a bad breakup and had a University restraining order put on me because she flipped out. A week later she was fine with me but refused to tell the college because it would make it look like she over reacted. |
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Letting her and her friends enter your house to decide what they want to take sounds like a bad idea. Here's another way to do it:
Rent a storage unit for a week, move all her stuff into it, leave a second key with the attendant, and then let your soon-to-be-ex know where she can go to pick it up. That keeps her and her fellow fruitcakes out of your home, and also allows *YOU* to have first pick as to what goes and what stays. |
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I'd make damn sure I got my "good" stuff out of the house and safely locked away - at a friends, in my truck, in a storage unit - whatever.
You're likely to lose guns, televisions, photographs ... stuff that the boyfriend wants or your soon to be ex- wants destroyed. You are at war ... and all is fair. Just remember that women are 100% emotional and completely 0% logical. Get the lawyers to rein her in and control her reactions. You'll learn more about her in the next months then you ever did in your marriage. I hope that there's no children in the middle of this. |
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I just want to say good luck in all of this.
Now while I won't get into asking if this is the first time she's ever been this unstable before or after the marriage bla bla bla. I will say you need to get your most valuable stuff out of the house and narrow down your belonging as much as possible and group them together in a room. Take a picture of everything grouped together and individual items if need be. DO NOT stay at the house when they arrive, like said, they can say pretty much say anything and it would be their word against yours. Also, the recording of the conversations thought is an AWESOME idea if the situation is unfolding exactly the way you describe. Having something like that recorded would be GREAT ammo in situations where it's your word against hers. Once again good luck. |
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You may want to get a alarm system. Have it monitored. It may also be a good idea to add
a couple of smoke dectetors and a wireless panic button. She is not thinking right and if she does anything dumb it will pay for its self. Your peace of mind may be worth the cost. |
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Go rent some storage space and take EVERYTHING you care about there and don't tell her about it. When she and the bf arrive to ransack the place all she will find is her own stuff and any damage they do to the house will be documentable and she will be liable for. my .02
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Quoted: Just got off the phone with 2nd shift patrol supervisor at the Sheriff's office. Nothing they can do, since she has a legal right to access all marital property until the hearing. Shit. I may as well change the locks back so she don't have to break a window and hope her asshole boyfriend doesn't steal anything while I am at work. View Quote If this is the case, then you need to get a restraining order. Furthermore, it sounds like you guys aren't communicating. You need to stop talking to her. Have your attorney write her a letter stating all communication must go through him, and be in writing. If she no longer resides in the home, it seems to me if she breaks in while you are gone, it's unlawful.... |
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Hmmm....
She wants you dead. She wants to bring her new boyfriend and his buddies over. AND YOU DONT HAVE A FRICKEN RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST HER YET? |
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RECORD ANY FURTHER CONVERSATIONS WITH HER!!!!!
Install either a Doberman, Rottweiller and/or an alarm system. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" |
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I don't know about Wisconsin, but in GA it is legal to tape a phone conversation provided one of the parties on the phone is aware of the taping. That means you. Leave another voice mail, prferably one about locking the house and you don't want her boyfriend over, then when she calls and gives you a giant ration of shit, tape it. Then take the tape, hopefully with her threatening violence towards you or vandalism to the house, and play it for a magistrate with a deputy presnt. Have a restraining order put out on her. Strike first and strike hard and never let her get the first blow in. This is not a game for wimps, get in there and take her out or she will take you out. Sorry things are so bad. Good luck.
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Quoted: Now, I don't want to cause trouble, or be a jerk, I just want everything to go smoothly, get her her stuff, get me my stuff, and get out of this with my rights and dignity intact. View Quote My Aunt just married a guy who just finished a divorce. She's a Senior Nurse Admin or something and he's a doctor that does some lecture circuit. Long story short, his wife was admitted to the psych ward for quite some time or in a coma or something and he thought about divorcing her to be able to move on with his life but he didn't have the heart to do it. She finally got better and what's the first thing she does? Get's the nastiest, greediest bitch of a divorce lawyer and rakes him over the coals. He wanted to be "nice" too. These days, men are in the minority when it comes to 'rights' in the courtroom for divorce. We get brutally beaten repeatedly because "she's used to a certain standard of living." But then tell a woman you support her and you get crap about equal rights and she's her own person....ugh. Godspeed to you. I wish you the best of luck. |
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get a restraining order,didn't you say that her and her boyfriend threated bodily harm.
your word against theirs,figure that the magistrate would be willing to at least prevent something that possible could happen. |
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I don't really have a way to tape the phone conversations.
If I shut down comms and refer her to my lawyer for everything, that will inflame the situation even more and drag it out I am sure, plus cost me more money, which I am short on. If I put in for a restraining order, that blows everything up too. Since my plan A is reconciliation and fixing the issues on both sides, and that isn't going to happen, I am firmly encamped on plan B, which is get things over with as rationally, smoothly, cheaply, and quickly as possible. That means give her what she wants, and that is still what I am doing, so she has NO reason to be angry....she is getting everything she wants from her boyfriend and from me! All I am doing is reasonable measures to protect my own interests. She knows this, she has this thing where she resents me to no end, because, as she says "you always have to frigging win". She is a loser, I am a winner, she knows it, she hates it. Either way and no matter what happens, I am getting screwed like never before. [BD] I will recover, but I am NEVER going to forget this. The possibility of her trying to kill me doesn't bother me too much. She will fail. |
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Iwould move my stuff or anything that I wanted to retain possession of off the premises right away then let her come get anything else she wants. If she wants stuff that you want to keep well then theres something that will have to be negotiated for and in that case it is better if you keep it. Forget being nice --its ok to try and be civil but nice--no, she's divorcing you wait till the alimony demands start. I have watched to many of my friends get run over by steamrollers and lose everything they ever had by trying to get through a divorce the same way you are with dignity and civility and quite frankly it does not work. Its unfortunate but you will have to fight her for every little thing. I dont wish what you are going through on anybody it sucks no matter how you slice it, best of luck to you.
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Quoted: I don't really have a way to tape the phone conversations. View Quote Radio Shack sells two versions of contraptions that hook into most any desktop recorder. One works for a single phone, the other can be activated from any phone in the house. Very simple to hookup. Everything you need can be had for less than $50. Forgot, there's a third option. Little suction cup thingy that sticks to the back of the phone and plugs into the desktop recorder. Cost's like $5 bucks or so. |
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I agree with most here.
1. Restraining Order 2. Get your stuff out of there. Have a friend hold it all. 3. Know the extent of the law in which you can defend yourself. God Bless Please let us know what happens. |
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Thanks for the concerns, advice, well wishes, and prayers guys. I thought some of you might be wondering what came of this, so here is an update. She didn't show up Saturday (I was home). I figured since she has off of work on Tuesdays, she would come while I was at work overnight Monday night, and she did. I had videotaped the household Sunday night and changed the locks back so she could get in and left her a message to that effect. Judging by the footprints and tire tracks it was her, two male helpers, a truck, and her car. I had taken my computer, my 20ga, and my SPR upper I built over the summer along with me to work, and put hasps/padlocks on the garage and shed because she has no property there.
She took the grandfather clock, oak entertainment center, TV, the bed, her dresser, the kitchen table and chairs, and the spare bed and dresser from upstairs, along with her lamps and collectables, clothes, window treatments, etc. She left the collectable clock I gave her for our anniversary in June sitting on my desk. Tell me that's not a hint LOL. I can now date her infidelity back at least that far. But she took what we had agreed to, left me the microwave, dishes, the sofa and recliner, the desk, the surround sound system, all of which she had said she would leave before the big phone argument. I have to give her credit, she didn't trash the place, and she didn't mess with my stuff. If things degenerate into a court battle, it's going to center on her claiming that I was never faithful to her when I was on the road with the band, but the truth is, in the last 6 years, she was the only one I was ever with! Even after we agreed to split, I had a chance to "hit it" with a new girl and I just couldn't bring myself to do it, for many reasons. I told her up front about this incident the next time we talked, and that is what gave her the big guilt attack. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out why. I am printing these threads, and then deleting them. I will update if there is any radical change or when this is all over with. Thanks again! |
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My ex kept taking stuff out of MY house bit my bit until I finally told her there was going to be TROUBLE if she kept it up. We were already divorced, property settlement signed, it was a done deal.
You might want to change the locks so that the only time she can get in is when you are there. |
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Dude. Make sure she didn't leave ANYTHING behind.
(ie: recording devices / poisoned food / etc) Stay safe and good luck. |
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Quoted: and people wonder why i am still single.. View Quote Yup, and most wondering are my divorced friends. |
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Even after we agreed to split, I had a chance to "hit it" with a new girl and I just couldn't bring myself to do it, for many reasons. View Quote I now don't feel so stupid. I encountered the same situation between my then-wife filing for divorce and it being final. Even though I knew it was over, I still couldn't bring myself to break the commitment I'd made when I got married. Dumb, I know. But damnit I took making that commitment seriously (more than my ex did, obviously). |
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Quoted: Dumb, I know. But damnit I took making that commitment seriously (more than my ex did, obviously). View Quote That actually says a LOT about your character. I for one am glad that there are still honorable men like you out there. |
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Assuming you play the drums by your avatar on the right, that's always a great way to vent frustrations. I know, I've been doing it for a decade. Playing anything from Lars Ulrich up to and including Neil Peart has gotten me through some tough times. Stay cool. You'll be a better man when you're done with the lesser woman.
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Best of luck. I didn't see this post untill after I received your IM. Sounds like you're handling the situation very well. I would say after ALL her stuff is gone, change the locks again. Now that her new BF has eyed the place, he may want to come back and help himself. I know it sucks now, but in the long run, you'll be much better off. Surround yourself with your shooting pals, and family. This too will pass............
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I seriously feel for you. I was in pretty much the exact same situation (cheating bitch left for some little twirp). I couldn't even picture my self with another woman for quite some time.
I can tell you from experience that you are doing the right thing by not allowing your self to sink to her level, even though it is no doubt very tempting at times. you will be better off this way. unfortunately the pain never really goes away but it does subside some and even better yet it grow farther and farther from your mind until it becomes a thing of the past which is where you will preffer to keep it. it does get better and it will stop hurting after a while. just the fact that you are so upset about this alone shows that you are an honorable person which is a rare quality that will become increasingly proud of, even though it feel like it has gotten you no where at the moment. for me this is the time when I go in to survival 101. focus on small goals and victories in your life, and do anything you can to improve your situation. do anything you can to narrow your focus and keep your mind off of it (especially at night which seems to be the time which your emotions take over the most). now is the time to be a little selfish. take care of your self first. rebuild you mental image and self esteem which are usually the first casualtie in this kinda conflict. all though I'm not here to blow sunshine up your ass because that not what you wanna hear, I can tell you that it is true when they say "what doesn't kill you makes you a stronger person". you will recover and it will make you stronger in the long run. I personally wear a necklace that she gave me when we were dating as kinda of a battle scar. it reminds me of one of the most turbulant and traumatic events in my life and the fact that I made it through it. almost like a purple heart. and last of all it really is true, the best revenge is living well (or atleast in her case). she will eventually realize that leaving you was the biggest mistake that she has ever made (but not anytime soon). although she might never admit it, you will be able to tell. around this point is when the game get fun. see I have recently been forced to into a possition where I have to work in close proximity to her. I can see it in here eyes how much she regretts her dicission to give up the one person who genuinly cared about her and the realization that she fucked up her only chance at ever having the life she truly wanted. in closing I promise that it will get better, but you will have to give it time. I also promise that anytime that you need to talk about what ever it is you feel like talking about the people here will always be willing to listen. you can even send me and e-mail if you would like. but don't forget that were here if you need us. good luck my friend. |
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Put a match to the whole lot of it. I do not believe there is a law against burning your own stuff. As long as you don't try to turn it into insurance I do not believe there is a crime.
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Quoted: Assuming you play the drums by your avatar on the right, that's always a great way to vent frustrations. You'll be a better man when you're done with the lesser woman. View Quote Alright, a fellow drummer! When I play, I am not thinking about anything but the music, it shuts everything else out. It's my first love and it's great! That said, I haven't played in a couple of months. Our singer rolled his car and broke his leg in three places, he is in rehab right now, our bass player is really sick too. He had acute pancreatitis a couple years ago and once in awhile when he gets the flu or whatever, it just knocks him out. I have a couple possible gigs in the meantime, one with a punk band fronted by a really cool chick names Binky, and a college rock cover band that I would sing lead or play drums 50/50 switching with the current drummer/singer. Things are stabilizing enough now that I am itching to get back on stage. |
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Quoted: Put a match to the whole lot of it. I do not believe there is a law against burning your own stuff. As long as you don't try to turn it into insurance I do not believe there is a crime. View Quote I do have a "chuck the whole damn thing in the trash and start over" option....but it's to throw my stuff in a storage unit, call her and tell her to come get the house it's hers, good luck paying for it, and "Go Army". |
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Did she threaten to kill you? Or maybe have you killed? Are you intimidated now that she's "coming over with her bf and brother" and she wants you dead?
Connect the dots and call the police again. Get a preemptive restraining order for both threatened physical violence on her part and her BF. Sometimes "by the book" need a little creativity IF YOU'RE A MAN in this day and age. The laws are there to protect her, not you. Think preemptive. |
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Quoted: I don't really have a way to tape the phone conversations. View Quote Man, sorry to hear about your rotten luck. I hope everything turns out alright for you. You can get something from Radio Shack that will record phone conversations for probably around $25 or so. Alternatively, if you have a police scanner, even a cheapie, and a cordless phone, you can turn into the cordless phone on you scanner and put a tape recorder next to it. Unless you have one of those 900 MHz phones, which are much pricier than most. Good luck. -Nick Viejo. |
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Been there, DONE THAT, along with a BUNCH of us on this board!
We're there with ya, it's going to GET BETTER. I locked my ex- out of the house back in '97 after confronting her about what I estimated to be her 5th boyfriend. I've since remarried, and my life now [b][u]completely[/b][/u] makes up for everything I had to go through back then. My wife occasionally talks with my ex- about the kids (I have custody of my two daughters), and the ex- was bawling to her about how she is so lonely now, how she made such a mistake, etc. And she was just as psychotic back then as your wife is now. The way I see it, "they" will be "rewarded" for what they do, so move forward as they move deeper into their hole. Do what you think is right and even though she'll mess with you here and there, you'll WIN in the end. Chris |
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Women can be such bitches, what more can I say man... they exist to suck the life out of us, some more than others.
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