In Fresno I'm Frank and in Chicago I'm Ernest.
A jewish man gets hit by a car. The ambulance driver asks "Are you comfortable?". The man says "I make a decent living".
The other day I bought a Japanese camera. Everytime I press the button it goes "Crick".
I've with beautiful woman for years and we're deeply in love. But if my wife finds out she'll kill me.
My wife and I always hold hands, if I let go she shops.
My wife has a blackbelt in shopping.
The other day someone stole my credit cards. I haven't reported it though, the theif spends less than my wife.
All my wife does is shop. Once she was sick for a week and 3 stores went under.
I don't spend money though, I came up in a poor family and we lived in a rough neighborhood. Our neighborhood was so rough that my high school news paper had an obituary column.
Growing up was hard for me because I was an ugly kid. My parents used to have to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
My mother wouldn't breast feed me when I was a kid, she said she like me just as a friend.
My father never liked me either. He used to carry around a picture of the kid who came with the wallet.
My upbringing is why I have so many problems with women today. Like the other day my wife told me that her fantasy was to make love in the back of a car. She asked if would drive.
But kids today don't have it like I did. Like my son, last year I bought him a BB gun for christmas, he bought me a sweatshirt with a bullseye on the back.
And my daughter, if you date my daughter it's like dating Federal Express. One drink and it's over night guaranteed.
My daughter she's just like my wife. The other day my wife met me at the door in a sexy nightie. She was comin' home!
My wife likes to talk when she makes love too. The other night she called me from the motel.
I tell ya I don't like my neighborhood though. You see alot of strange things where I live. The other day I saw a guy jogging down the street naked, I said "hey buddy, how come?". He said "because you came home early!"
I tell ya I can't get no respect, no respect at all!