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Posted: 5/14/2001 1:22:05 AM EDT
I've never wanted to become grown up. Never ever. I've always wanted to be a kid. I have taken on responsibility but I've never had to deal with death. Especially someone close to me... family I actually knew. I would take care of my business, and be a kid after that. I'm 22 right now. In 16 days I turn 23. 23... sounds... grown up. I can't look at high school girls anymore... when the fuck did this happen? Sure.. I can drink... buy firearms... etc.. But I never felt grown up. I always stayed a kid because everyone would still be there. My grand parents, my parents, uncles, aunts etc.. they would always be there. Always. Death happened, but only on TV, happened down my street, happened to the lady at the quick stop that said my band played really loud when we would take a break from playing in my garage band and run to the store for food and drink. She was killed by a mass murderer in my town, he hit 3 stores and a tow truck driver killing everyone in there. Down the street where I lived. Garage band? Shit.. High School... Death happened to other people, happened on TV and such. Today the sweetest man to have ever lived passed away. My Grandfather Joe Roacha. He was more of a father to me than my own father. I got my job at IBM and needed a new car that would last the commute. Well I needed money for a down payment. Up and gave me $1000. I didn't ask for it, just gave it to me. When I tried to pay him back since I thought it was a loan he got pissed at me. I haven't spoken to my wife beater, cheater piece of shit father in 6 years. But here was my grandpa that talked to me, wished me luck, gave me money. He was always so happy. Had a smile, fun guy. Everyone loved him. Had tons of friends. "Oh Joe? what a great guy!" People like this don't die. No they do not... What a fuckin child I am. I am American because of my grandpa. In 1957 he brought his family of 3 from Portugal to America. My mom was 2, I went to the same high school as she did. My Aunt was 3 years after my mom, then later my uncle Joey Jr. My grandpa got a job milking cows on a dairy. Worked his damn ass off for his family. Learned fluent English without an accent very fast. Always a hard worker. Worked hard so his family didn't have to. I told him all this in his final hours... This morning I was woken up by my mom. She came over crying her eyes out and told me my grandpa had 24 to 48 hours. I find it very hard to show any of my emotions. Especially ones that hurt this much. It was hard... but I held his hand and told him I was proud he was my grandpa and that I hope I grow up to be just like him. I want to be a man like my grandpa was. Someone people love and respect. I saw him a week before. He was in his bed, sitting up. He looked sick... very sick.. he grabbed my hand and smiled at me. We talked awhile.. he drank a milk shake. I stayed around the house today... thinking my grandpa was ok.. just last week he looked alright. I go over later today..
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 1:22:47 AM EDT
I watched him gasping for air. Girgling.. he looked lifeless. His eyes would open and close. He fought it for as long as he could. Someone that was so full of life was like this. NO... no this is not my grandpa... fuck you.. you're all playing a fucking sick joke. That's not him. No.. just the medicine, he will clear up. I couldn't hold it anymore.. I had to face it. He was leaving us... Why can't I be a kid? Why can't I go on and everyone will be there the next day? I never saw my grandma.. I didn't know her. She divorced and married a guy my so called father didn't like so he kept me away from her. My mom had to sneak me to see my dying grandma. I was too little to know what was going on... During his last hours it was nice that a priest came over. I am not religious. I was raised catholic, but let go. My Grandpa was very catholic. And ya know... one of the reason I hate religions was because they try to force it on you. You will burn in hell this and that... I always loved how my grandpa would hint to me. I would ask what he did that day... it was a Sunday.. he would say "went to morning mass." I would say cool... he would smile and go "ya know it would hurt you to go once and awhile.." I'd say "yeah yeah..." Wish they could all be like that. It was nice when the priest came over. Just kinda made everything feel easy... I calmed down.. felt peaceful because that is what my grandpa believed. He went peaceful... surrounded by family and friends. It hurt to look at him when he was gasping and his eyes were rolling everywhere... his mouth open... After he passed... he looked at peace. It was quiet. No machines. He was rested and in no more pain. I feel sad. I feel like not a kid anymore.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 1:27:05 AM EDT
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 1:33:20 AM EDT
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 1:36:07 AM EDT
Sounds like you've grown up a lot, but we can always be kids at heart.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 1:40:06 AM EDT
Frank, my sincere condolences. I too miss some of my elders that I grew up with. But now the torch is being passed to the next generation of people. So make your grandpa proud.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 1:42:12 AM EDT
Sorry for your loss.... Sounds like he was a great man. I also lost my grandfather when I was your age and felt a lot of the same things you are feeling now. It doesn't get any easier as you grow older. You just have to make everyday count by being yourself and making everyday count because life is far to short not to. It's hard right now but years will go bye and you will think about the great man your Grandfather was and smile and remember the times that you had together. I think of the times I had with a number of family members and friends I have lost over the years and try duplicating the same types of experiences with new people giving them those same fond memories that I have so that when I'm gone people will think of me, too. Hang in there...I think pretty much everyone has a part of them that still wants to be a kid, I know I do.. John
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 1:46:12 AM EDT
My condolences. Be thankful you were given so much when you were a kid. Many people never have what you did. You can honor your grandfather by giving some of the same things to your children and grandchildren.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 1:48:02 AM EDT
I want to say something but don't know exactly what to say. I had like feelings for my grandfather. He was a good man who took care of his family. He worked many jobs during the depression so his children could lead better lives. My mom has her masters was a school teacher, now an administrator. Aunts and Uncles with various degrees - Law, Computer Science, etc - successful and living well because of his efforts. He was someone I looked up to. My example. While I got along well with my father, he didn't want to be a family man, didn't want the kids and the responsibility.... wanted to "date" once again.....Thats what he told my mother. Despite the distance, as he was in Nebraske and we were in California, he was always available if his advice or help was needed. When he was able, he would travel if necessary. All I can say is strive to be as good of a man as he was. At one time, I felt like a kid just like you. You are more of a man than you think you are, sometimes it just hard to realize that.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 7:12:06 AM EDT
Frank, Very touching and emotional story. By the way you tell it says it all about your feelings for this great man. Wouldn't life be great if there were more people like this who cared for their family members. Hold up your head and be proud you had a man like him to learn from and know. Very sorry for your loss. Dennis.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 7:24:00 AM EDT
Frank, my condolences. I wish you and your family the best. Hang in there.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 7:31:45 AM EDT
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 7:47:10 AM EDT
Frank, I too faced the same situation with my grandfather this past october, he passed on at the age of 92. He was every bit the grandfather as you describe in your post, always loving and lending a helping hand (even when I did not deserve it!) My grandfather had many friends, some that I only met for the first time at his funeral service. Everyone told me that their lives were little bit better just by having him as a friend. This is a loss that will never be replaced in my lifetime.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 7:47:28 AM EDT
Thank you for sharing that with us. I am over twice as old as you and I can say it does not get easier with age. I lost my mother and father within 14 months of each other beginning 2 years ago. The pain will eventually go away but the since of loss apparently never will. I have seen a number of people die, as I have been a police officer longer than you have been alive (26 years this month). It is a strange thing to see. You, and your family, do have my deepest sympathy. Unfortunatly I know all to well what you are going through. May God be with you and give you peace. Bruce Allen.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 7:55:06 AM EDT
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 7:56:52 AM EDT
I am sorry for your loss... Words seem painfully inadequate. [:(]
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 8:14:59 AM EDT
My regrets at your loss. Your fond memories are a poor substitue for the man, but they are good memories none the less. They'll live forever with you in honor of the bond you shared with him. Ross
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 8:27:39 AM EDT
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 9:44:46 AM EDT
Frank, So very sorry. I lost mine a year and a half ago. The important thing is you DID get the opportunity to tell him how you feel. I was also raised by my Grandfather, the coolest thing I was ever able to do is invite him to stay at my home on the holidays and feed him a meal for a change.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 10:14:33 AM EDT
Frank, I hate to hear that. You are very lucky that you and he were able to have a great relationship and you will have those memories to look back on. Also, it is really great that you had the chance to tell him that in the end. God Bless you and your family during this.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 10:17:25 AM EDT
Thank you all so very much. I guess I'm pissed off right now. We marvel at our technology, yet it seems everyone dies of cancer, everything causes cancer. Why the fuck can we put a man on the moon, build a god damn space station, have computers faster than god and make shampoo and conditioner all in one bottle and not cure something everyone seems to get. It's just stupid...
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 10:58:15 AM EDT
Frank, Hope this won't be take the wrong way. I am glad that any suffering your Grandfather had is over. A man like you described deserves to die peacefully in his bed when he is ready to go--someone like him has earned a release from any suffering. I am sorry you lost a good friend as well as your Grandfather. That is exactly what happened. You Eulogized him well. Keep his memory alive. When you have kids and grandkids of your own, keep his memory alive to them and be like he was. You have seen the bad and the good in relatives--if you don't know it yet, you will just how hard it is to be the good kind. Your Grandfather was a good man. It hurts all of us when we lose one--some of us it hurts more than others, but all of us feel it. AFARR
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 11:31:35 AM EDT
Godspeed Frank.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 11:35:35 AM EDT
Frank, my deepest sympathies to you and your family.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 1:31:37 PM EDT
Bad deal. If it isn't the heart it's cancer. Hey, at least you got the chance to know him and spend good time together. You will always have those memories and years later when you look back on those days he was alive you'll smile and remember what a good guy he was. That's the best any of us can hope for. My grandfather died when I was very young (that's the problem when you wait too long to have kids). All I know about him is that he was a mean, cheap, wife beating POS and no one liked him. It's amazing my mother came out so sweet having such a jerk for a father. On my father's side, grandpa was a POS as well. Abandoned the family and left them nothing when mt dad was 5. My grandmother had to put my dad in an orphanage for 6 years while she worked. Last time I heard my grandfather was shacked up with a Filipina slut in south-central LA. I never met him and we don't speak of him. What a POS. Anyway, take solace in the fact you grandpa was a good man. You're a lucky guy.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 1:41:17 PM EDT
All of us are dealt different hands....We ALLhave to play what we are dealt... I ONLY ever had my Grandmothers, I never had a Grandpa. I know what kind of man they HAD to be from the legacy, But I NEVER got to meet them, admire them, cherish them. While pain makes a mans heart be cold and bitter, always be grateful for the gift you were given. Cherish that he too was NOT a POS, like so MANY others. Remember him always, and stand tall. As he became a giant to you, a hero and a god among men, take that aura and carry it. Carry his charachter and pass it on.... Most of all be grateful for what you had....it WAS a blessing some NEVER had...
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 2:00:58 PM EDT
My condolences. I lost an uncle who was like a father to me last October. It was every bit as hard on me as loosing my mother was and like you I hadn't talked to my father for 8 years when he died. My uncle was the one that took me hunting and shooting when I was little. The pain eases with time but you never forget and you will see things all the time that remind you of him but you will think of him in a good way and that seems to help after a while.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 2:08:38 PM EDT
Sorry Frank, I lost a grandpa, too. Nobody can make me forget about him. Take care, and if you need anything let me know. Ice
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 2:15:15 PM EDT
My sincerest condolences Frank. My Father's Father passed when I was younger, and I didn't get to say goodbye. One of my few regrets in this life is that he didn't get to know the man I've become, or the woman who is the love of my life. I know that right now, loss is great, but as time goes by, the pain of loosing him will be replaced by your memories of the man he was, and how he shaped your life.
Link Posted: 5/14/2001 2:25:52 PM EDT
I can't look at high school girls anymore...
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yea you can.. just stay away from the middle school girls (boys?? whatever you prefure.. i'm not here to judge..that much..) on a more serious note: I'm sorry for your loss Frank, really, I am...
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