A couple weeks back myself and two friends were enjoying the view in one of Portland's many strip clubs.  In this swanky club the bath room is attended.  The bathroom attendant, a guy, turn on the water, squirts soap in your hand, give you a towel, and had an array of products from gum to hairspray available for use. So I go in to use the pisser and over hear the bathroom attendant interviewing with a security guy for a job "up front" as a security guy (mall ninja in a tux).  The interview concluded with the security guy promising the attendant "a shot at it".  The attendant promised he "would not let him down".  Very dramatic.

I come back out and recount the story to my friends.  We talk about life as a strip club mall ninja.  Would we ever get tired of the view?  We talk about security in general.  We pay the tab and leave for the evening.

Two days later one guy calls me up and asks if I remember our mall ninja conversation.  He says his uncle is in the business and needs three guys for a security job at a local restaurant/bar that's having a blow out sinco de mayo (sp?) party.  Both of my friends mentioned above have agreed to do it so the deal is hanging on me.  It's the three of us or nothing.  The friend who is putting this together is a former sheriff, the other is an accomplished martial artist and a hell of a soccer player.  Currently we all hold professional degrees and 8-5 jobs.  I feel soft as a Twinkie compared to my days in the Army.  What the hell, I am in.

We arrive at the job a week later.  Leader mall ninja security guy is cool.  The other ninjas are ego maniacs or look like they came from the retired ninja home.  What the hell have I gotten in too?  Friday night is uneventful.  There sure was a lot of nice looking womenz running around though.  The whole time I am thinking about all the mall ninja posts here on AR15.com.  I feel like going up to some hot chick and saying "Hey babe, wana watch me rip someone’s head off?"  I keep smiling to my self because I can't believe I have become a mall ninja in a bar and I cant get the pee pee line out of my head.

Then comes Saturday night.  Holly shit.  From 11pm to 1am it was non stop drunk fights.  I mean pushing, slapping, grabassing drunkenness, not skilled fist fighting by any stretch.  And guys, let me tell you something, WOMEN started most of them.  Drunk, shit talking women would get these guys all whipped up and ready to fight.  We threw a bunch of people out.  At 12:45 we had gotten most of the drunk offenders out side.  Then the parking lot erupted.  Seven mall ninjas on about 15 drunks.  Mayhem.  The fight, with punches and all, was on.  My friend the former sheriff ninja, 6'6" good old boy, ended up taking on this HUGE 5'10", drunk body builder.  I really thought it was going to get ugly.  You know, I don't want to say it, but former sheriff ninja flipped out and put the body builder in a pre head ripping off choke hold.  Down he went, end of the fight.  Former sheriff ninja had subdued him.  Then the cops shoed up and restored order.  I can not believe the restraint the police showed as some of the drunks lipped off to them as much as they did to us.

[edit for spelling...]
Continued...

continued...

I learned a lot about fighting drunk people that night.  They are good for one quick move, then that's it.  They don't plan ahead.  They can't think fast.  It's pathetic.  

Now I have walked in the shoes of a mall ninja.  I have sense retired from the security business.  Putting my self in harms way for $9 per hour is simply not logical.  Especially in this day and age.  I can now mock mall ninjas openly, as I have walked among them.  I can tell you some security truly live up to the wannabe bad ass stereo type.  

[spelling damn it!]

One drunk guy, one gun, one cartridge, one bullet, one dead Mark.

You're crazy.[shock]

Great story!  Makes me want to never, ever try it.  [;)]

Hehe, congratulations, get some pictures and I'll talk Gecko45 into putting you on the MallNinja.com Roster.

Were the guitars wailing in the background?[:D]

Edit: I just crapped my pants!![whacko]

which strip club? starz? I swear, Portland has more strip clubs than anywhere in the country, (at least 200)

I love ninjas with all of my body (including my pee pee).    

medcop

You know, you would think it would get old.  But I still crack up when ever someone quotes the ninja page!

Strip Club: The Dolphin II  Yes, Portland seem to be the strip club capitol of the world.  In fact a local (non strip) bar, Dante's, even has sex worker appreciation night.  That can get interesting too.  Oh my god the eye candy...

I don't think I am hall of fame material yet.  Two nights and I am out of the business for good!  And I did not even rip anyone’s head off.  I did crap my pants though.

Haha I can imagine.  Sounds like a good time was had by all!