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10/20/2017 1:01:18 AM
9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 9/28/2005 12:40:53 PM EDT
Man. This happened last Saturday, but I don't really have anywhere else to vent than beside a bunch of strangers on the 'net. But here I go.

Background.

My wifes mother is from Poland. She moved here in her early 30's, met her dad, got married, etc etc. Over all they are good people, though a bit old fashioned. Esp. since she still holds lots of old world customs and attitudes as the way things should be. And the way things should be 40 yrs ago, not today.

My wifes dad is pretty quiet, and does real estate. I get along with him ok, but I have nothing really in common with him. He irritates me with simple computer problems, but hey, so does my real dad so I try to help out.

My wifes mom is louder, out spoken, and always right. This clashes with my wife who is loud, out spoken, and rarely wrong. And my wife is much smarter than either parent (good schooling, etc.).

I try to be a good son-in-law. And they treat me like thier son. So they say - and to a degree - so they do. But that is a problem .My wife is 34 and he mom still treats her like she is 16. The get into fights on the phone that result in her crying for 1/2 an hour.

I come from a much more laid back family. I was in middle school the last time that my parent yelled at me. The time I wrecked the car was the last time I felt like I had done wrong to them. I cant fathom them yelling at me now. (though they do have a go at it with my sister, but that is another story).

So - the actual incident - we are driving home from a violen recital. Their idea, but its ok, I enjoyed it, and my wife loves classical music and plays the piano still. On the way home we are talking about a bit of everything. From the Katrina BS to crime. At one point I drop an F Bomb when talking about rapist and people who assault others. It was a mistake. I said I was sorry. And I left it at that.

Not that I am in the habit of cussing in front of my parents, but I have done so since I was 18 and never heard a word from them.

They drop us off at our house, and go home. There is a call 15 min later with her dad fuming - and he rarely gets mad. They say we need to have a talk, and we agree to come over tomarrow.

No really - I dont want to piss anyone off. I dont want to offend anyone. I wasnt cussing AT them, only in their pressence.

Well, we come over the next day. They are angry that I would use such language and disrepsect them. Wow. Come on. It is 2005 guys. I apologized. In the 5-6 years I have known them this has happend once- maybe twice. But really. Who are you to sit me down and scold me for my language?

But I apologized and made ammends, stating that I didn't realize that saying something like that in front of them would cause them to be so offended and disrespected.

Then they also have an issue that I dont always act happy to see them. Well... duh, Im not. I have a tumor in my leg the size of a summer sausage and I dont really feel like having company some days. Other days we just have nothing to talk about, so I distance myself off or disengage. Other times I am pisseed they her mom is all over my wife, making her cry, and now I am supposed to hug them and make nice nice. (her dad doesnt yell at her, but he doesnt do anything to stop it either).

So, thats a great way to make someone "like" you, make a big deal of it and insist that they do. They are a bit over the top and dramatic (well the wife and her mom are) but I am not a loud, huggy person who crys all the time. I am pretty guarded with my emotions, probably to a fault. But cornering me isnt going to make me open up.

To be honest, I could take or leave them. Some times they are enjoyable, other times they arent. They treat my wife like a child, and this is the first taste of it that I have had - and I dont like it. I havent been scolded in over a decade. I am not excusing my actions, but their reactions are a bit over the top.

I also understand manners and what I did was extremely rude. But this is comeing from a woman who wore JEANS to my wifes Graduation from law school.

While her dad flipped at this (and its not like they ABHOR cussing, he used to watch the Sopranos. If he had such an adversion to it, why have HBO) her mom causes the most strife. She rarely praises my wife, the first thing out of her mouth is usually how something isnt right, she always knows what she is talking about and everyone else is an idiot. American and Americans are clods compared to the Poles. etc etc. Not that I have anything against Poland. Ive learned alot about it and I think its a great place with great people. I wonder if my M-I-L left or was kicked out.

To make matter worse, she has no family here but a sister - and they bicker all the time. She has NO friends. NONE. Because at one point or another some one disrespected her or did something to piss her off and she cut them out. She has to be the center of the world it seems.

Anyway - I dont know what I am looking for, other than a place to vent. I will try to just be escpecially polite. I am not really close to them and this little gig didnt want me to get any closer. But I can be polite and maybe things will smooth out.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 12:49:24 PM EDT
Ever seen those corona commercials?




drink

enjoy

repea­t
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 12:49:46 PM EDT
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 12:49:51 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/28/2005 12:54:06 PM EDT by xinflt]
Move 3 states away. That will cut down on a lot of the BS. They may complain about not seeing you more often but when you/they do visit, it should be more cordial.

Easier said than done, but effective.

Edit: I never had any in-law problems. Both of my wife's parents died before we were married.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 12:54:25 PM EDT
Don't have them over to your house. Set some boundaries, and stick to them.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 12:55:40 PM EDT
Move far away.


Link Posted: 9/28/2005 12:59:39 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Luxan:
Ever seen those corona commercials?

www.wherewasi.com/myimages/Images%20eightythree/Corona%20(1).jpg


drink

enjoy

repea­t




Sorry...nothing to offer here.

But dang! I have a weakness for brunettes, and she's freaking immensely HOT!

Oh yea, that and I can't stand inlaws!
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 1:15:46 PM EDT

As I was reading this, I kept thinking of the sitcom, "Everybody Loves Raymond" Not meaning to make light of the stuation, but your solution is probably to move away. The only other option is to let them know you don't appreciate them disrespecting your family. Explain to them you appreciate their input, they need to allow you to make some mistakes on your own.

I was in a similar situation, I'm quiet also, so when I said something the M-I-L was shcoked and it let up for awhile. Then we move 2000 miles away
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 1:22:41 PM EDT
It is why I live 3000 miles from my mother and my husband has only been out there once in 21 years of marriage. All I can say is I sympathize. My mother is Dutch and sounds like your mother-in-law.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 1:24:11 PM EDT
Maybe direct them to webites such as this one, it may help lighten the mood.


Personally I would say fuck'em......if they can't take a joke.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 1:35:24 PM EDT
Move away or put your foot down and let them know they're not her boss and tell them to fuck off with the controlling aspect.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 2:15:25 PM EDT
You are in your 30's and you let people treat you like this?
Just tell them to grow up and treat you and your wife like adults. (hint: Warn your wife before hand)
BTW: the moving away trick works very well.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 4:01:21 PM EDT
I went thru the same thing with my inlaws. I use the F Bomb more often than any other cuss word there is. Personally I think it is the best word in the English language. Anyway, my mother inlaw is super religious and gets a little "holier than thou" sometimes. Mostly she is pretty cool and we seem to get along, but it has taken 10 or so years for us to understand each other.

So, we were at Thanksgiving dinner, and all of us were discussing the Clintons. Now at the time, my inlaws were SuperDems, and loved Clinton. Well I piped up and said, "Fuck Him and his pig bitch wife". Well it was like I invited Satan to sit down for dinner or something. Holy shit did she freak out on me. So acting like the grown up I am, I took it with a smile on my face, and walked to the door preparing to leave. As I opened the door, I thanked the inlaws for dinner, told the wife I would be back to pick her and our son up when they were ready, and then started screaming "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! as loud as I could. Then closed the door quietly and walked out. Didn't talk to the inlaws for about 3 months after that little episode. Finally the mother inlaw called and asked if we could talk. I said "Fuck yeah we can", and she just started laughing on the phone. Ever since then, we see things eye to eye. Plus, after 10 years of an education by me, both the inlaws are now heavy duty Conservatives. Voted for Bush both times.

So just keep saying fuck around your inlaws, they will get used to it after a while and not even notice in about 3 or 4 months.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 4:08:16 PM EDT

Tell them you are not putting up with any more BS. Tell them "You make my wife cry, I make you cry. Keep fucking with me and the grand kids will be too busy to see you." Someone is the boss in every situation. You need to get it across the MIL who that is and it ain't her. Then move away or your marriage is going to suck.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 4:28:54 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Rustygun:
Tell them you are not putting up with any more BS. Tell them "You make my wife cry, I make you cry. Keep fucking with me and the grand kids will be too busy to see you." Someone is the boss in every situation. You need to get it across the MIL who that is and it ain't her. Then move away or your marriage is going to suck.



Although I myself would not use profanity around my family or in-laws, this is still the best tack to take. Otherwise they control you and you let them make your lives miserable.


I'd still move away though. These people are not going to change, and will eventually drive their daughter against you. It's either that or a Clash of the Titans pretty soon, you vs. them. Hope you are looking forward to it.


My wife's family are German/Scottish, and my German father-in-law, the ex-POW from the WW2 German Luftwaffe, was very salty in speech and manner when he was still alive. I miss having him around. He was a lot of fun. His solution to the world's troublemakers? "Ach, just line zem all up against a vall und shoot zem!"
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 4:31:32 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Rustygun:
Tell them you are not putting up with any more BS. Tell them "You make my wife cry, I make you cry. Keep fucking with me and the grand kids will be too busy to see you." Someone is the boss in every situation. You need to get it across the MIL who that is and it ain't her. Then move away or your marriage is going to suck.




+1



Having a MIL like that is part of the reason for ex-wife #1. The rest of it is because I'm an "Asshole"

Link Posted: 9/28/2005 5:25:02 PM EDT
1) Eastern Europeans are stubborn and opinionated. It's in the culture. I'm of eastern eurotrash decent.

2) Your mother in law owns your balls. A dress down from F.I.L. is a bit whacked out but have no doubt your M.I.L. made him do it because she owns his ball too. Take your balls back & tell F.I.L. to grow a pair.

3) You must lay down the ground rules in no uncertain terms.

4) The second you start to lay down the ground rules M.I.L will interupt. At that point it is incumbant upon you to say [loud commanding voice] "Shut the FUCK UP while I'm talking or you will never have any contact from us again" Lay down the law with a take it or leave it attitude.

It is critical to have your wife's support with this. She needs to keep her mother at a distance so SHE can become an adult.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 5:43:03 PM EDT
From "Swingset's guide to a happy marriage"


- Your family is important, but if you put it before your marriage you're a damn fool. Part of being married is MAKING a family, even if it's just you and your wife. If you unwittingly play one family against another, say by bitching about your wife to your family, guess which family falls apart? The one that costs you half your money. Don't be afraid to tell your mom, or your sister, or your siblings to butt out of your marriage. You're not a kid anymore, it's your life and sometimes that means building some defenses.



Wifey should read this.

If she can't establish a boundary with her parents where their relationship adversely affects yours, then you have a problem with your wife....not her parents.

You are both grown ups, act like it and do not tolerate negative interference....even from family.

My inlaws are good people, but they know by our action where they are not permitted to tread...and that goes for my parents too.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 5:46:58 PM EDT

Originally Posted By swingset:
From "Swingset's guide to a happy marriage"


- Your family is important, but if you put it before your marriage you're a damn fool. Part of being married is MAKING a family, even if it's just you and your wife. If you unwittingly play one family against another, say by bitching about your wife to your family, guess which family falls apart? The one that costs you half your money. Don't be afraid to tell your mom, or your sister, or your siblings to butt out of your marriage. You're not a kid anymore, it's your life and sometimes that means building some defenses.



Wifey should read this.

If she can't establish a boundary with her parents where their relationship adversely affects yours, then you have a problem with your wife....not her parents.

You are both grown ups, act like it and do not tolerate negative interference....even from family.

My inlaws are good people, but they know by our action where they are not permitted to tread...and that goes for my parents too.



Yep is your wife’s job to support you and reign in her parents when they butt in… if she is not willing you have a hopeless battle on your hands.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 6:19:24 PM EDT
I have told my mother in law to get the hell out my house several times. At times it seems to be the only way to get along with her. The best part is when I'm about ready to put my #12 up my MIL's ass my wife is holding the door open.

Link Posted: 9/28/2005 6:27:37 PM EDT
There is only one way to deal with this:

1) Talk to your wife. Make sure you and her have got your stuff together, and are in agreement.
2) Agree to support each other no matter what.
3) Call up father in law. Set boundaries.
4) Set expectations for their behavior.
5) Tell them you will terminate any coversation that does not respect your families' boundaries.
6) Enforce it (leave at Christmas if you have to.) You will have to enforce it about twice (when they test you).
7) Enjoy your new life.

This is what I did and it worked.
Link Posted: 9/28/2005 6:49:20 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/28/2005 7:19:33 PM EDT by jimtash9]
I'm Greek and I can relate a little to what you're going through. First off, I'm pretty sure that her parents don't approve of you as a husband for her and it's not because you are a bad person, but only because you're not Polish and they use this disappoval of you to get at her. You don't understand their customs and traditions or their language and they can't communicate with you. That's the most important. Second, immigrants usually don't have a very high opinions of Americans in general and don't want their children marrying them. You must always remember this as they will use the smallest thing like vulgar language in front of them (and rightly so because it's viewed as being disrepectful) as an excuse to put down their daughter for marrying you (and I reason to believe that's why she cries after speaking to her mother). Third, in most of old Europe children and especially women are very close to their parents and usually live with them or very close by even after they are married. Old School European parents still provide for their children even after they are married, so let them and don't take it as an insult. In return, you are expected to be there for them even if it's something mundane, but you need to do it. DON'T EVER DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM THEM AGAIN BECAUSE THIS JUST SUPPORTS THEIR OPINION THAT YOU ARE NOT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THEIR DAUGHTER. They don't forget their children just because they are married off and this applies especially to women. Be more inviting of them, talk to them and try to understand them. Plus it won't hurt you to take an interest in their customs and language and apply yourself a little to it. Do it or otherwise your wife will cry everytime she speaks with her mother and I guarantee that.

BTW, I'm not married but every American I've dated has been met with this same disapproval as you are currently experiencing. No American will ever satisfy them, no matter who she is but you are already married and they have no choice but to accept you even if it's halfway. Try to make it easier for them by doing the above written words and hopefully it'll get better. Remember, when you married her you also married them and that's no bullshit.
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