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Posted: 11/11/2005 6:18:39 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/11/2005 6:48:40 AM EDT by TacticalStrat]
Swingset posted this a few months ago and I copied it because it was so good. Here it is again for your enjoyment:



By Swingset

As a stunningly successful man of the world, I am often asked, "swingset, how can I, a nebbish dweeb, hope to score hot babes and find a great lady like you did?"

And, often, my answer is simple and direct. Usually something like "Dream on, dork".

But, today, I'm feeling altruistic and I am going to let the young men of Arfcom in on a few of the lesser known secrets of that crazy species we call womenz. There are many mysteries of the universe, vast unknowable chasms of wonder out there, but the gals are not one of them. They are not like us, but they are not without a purpose or a plan and I happen to know most of it. I have stayed at many a Holiday Inn Express, and I have had my 31 flavors of pie.

So, if you are between the ages of 15 and 25, or mentally so, pay attention and tattoo these pearls on the inside of your thigh. When you have lived a long and failed life of disasterous encounters with the fairer sex, you will want to read back my little laundry list and slap yourself for not taking it to heart.

Item 1: Do not listen to what women have to say about women. They are not privy to the keen powers of self-instropection, nor are they honest when the mirror paints the picture of womanhood in a less-than-flattering light. If women were to be trusted about how they tick, we'd all have it figured out, and women would be happy. Society is afraid of saying what I am, that women have been led to believe they are a noble half of the human race, and more suited to matters of the heart. Fact is, they're just as clueless as you. Next.

Item 2: Women are 95% a product of the relationship (or lack thereof) between they and their fathers. Men are made by their mothers, women by their dads. If daddy beat them, left them, or otherwise was a shitbag, you had better believe they will not have healthy impulses and chaos will follow them throughout their days. This is an absolute, so trust me when I say, if they don't have a healthy relationship with pops, they're not having one with you either, so fucking run. Yes, they're going to be fun in the sackeroo, but trust me....run. That other 5% of their nature comes from lucky genetics, but you're not turning that into anything by yourself. You ain't fixing a broken girl, so just run.

Item 3: To attract women, you need but one thing....to be in charge. Not necessarily of the world or the building you work in, but in charge of your surroundings. You need to be in charge of whatever setting you and the womenz will be in. In any herd of animals, the females obey the alpha. You must be, no matter what the situation, the "guy". You might need to be the funny guy, or the cool guy, or the host, or the entertainer, or even the "taken" one, but you had better be the center of attention that day. To be this thing, you need some confidence, you need your shit in order, and you need some sort of talent that will put you in the alpha spot - no matter if that's at the library or at the night club. Women do not fawn at the slowest, weakest gazelle. They look at what's running out front, and follow. Get your life in order. Women are not laying in the tub right now letting the water hit the pink parts dreaming about a gun nut who's playing Rainbow Six in his mom's basement. You follow? This leads me to item 4.

Item 4: Women, real women, do not want a boy. They want a man, so be one. Don't get dickhead haircuts, tribal tats, spinners for your ghey car, the latest trendy clothes or skin care products. These are the tools of vain boys, and a woman does not want these things from you even if she acts like she does. You may get some dates, you may get laid, you may even get married by being a boy.....but bet your ass that your woman will dream of a man (which is not you).

Item 5: Women, contrary to ARFcom legend, do not want sex that often...especially once the relationship cools off (normalizes). If they do crave the weenie all the time, they are messed up (see item #1). Women do not have testesterone pumping through their organs, and will not crave sex, at least not like you think they do. Get used to it, deal with it, and make your peace with the fact that a normal woman wants sex about 1/10th as much as you. Sadly, the sexaholic women are usually reliving some sort of childhood trauma, and sex gives them control over their neuroses about that past. See, women have sex for very different reasons than we do. They have it to feel sexy, to feel loved, to feel wanted, even to feel in charge....but they don't have that physical drive like us. We, by contrast, have sex to purge the evil venom from our balls, and that's about the extent of it.

Item 6: There is nothing a woman can sniff out like desperation. If you have even one tiny cell of creepy in you, she'll smell it all over you like a possum carcus in the sun. One of the lessons of adulthood is FUCKING RELAX. Do it, for all our sakes. Don't chase women, for there is no need. Be a man, be yourself, have a good time and get your life in order, and the women will forever come to you. Believe this fellas.....nothing could be truer. If young swingset would have only known this.... but that's another story and it involves copious masturbation and alot of Boone's Farm.

Item 7: Women, contrary to another urban legend, are shitbags too. They will have you convinced, if you talk to them enough, that they are the masters of reason and emotion. Bullshit, fellas. They are contriving, maniacal masters of chaos and work feverishly against their own happiness sometimes. Nothing will disturb a woman so deeply to her core as true contentment. Some women shudder at the thought of a placid, pleasing life. It's a very rare thing, a woman at peace and comfortable with herself....so when you find one, say "I do" and keep her away from other women. Wanna see proof of this? Work along side alot of women. When one finds happiness, the others go about dismantling hers with ant-like industry. Nothing on earth is quite so destructive as women screwing with a happy one. It's a pretty safe bet that if your lady friends hang out with other girls, they will try (even unwittingly), to fuck you up. Sorry girls, you know this one is true.

Item 8: Get to know your prospective inlaws....even if you have no idea you're going to marry the girl you're banging. If you don't love them like they're your own parents, RUN. Seriously, it's that simple. Run. Look at their relationship - her mother and father's. Look at it hard, because that's you in 25 years....or some variation of it. Your woman will make sure of it, because she's hard wired to.

Item 9: A woman's beauty is her worst enemy, and her only true servant. Be very afraid of a woman who has relied, or counted on her looks to survive or succeed - for when those looks or your attention to them wanes, she will self-destruct before your eyes. You will come home to find her gone, or on top of your best friend. Again, not to drive a point too fine, but stay away from the 10's. A stripper model does not live to enjoy a 50 year wedding anniversary, and she will not change your diapers when you're old. Believe it or not, that stuff really matters. You, like women, are driven by your nature. If you're always attracted to the worst kind of women, it's not their fault bucko. It's yours....so fight your impulses and go with what's smart not what "feels good".

Item 10: Lastly, I leave you with this. It's a difficult lesson to be a man. It's a painful, self-sacrificing labor and part of the human condition to be a man. You must accept that much of your life and your ties to women rely on your honor and your good nature. Sadly, most of us choose our mates based on nothing more than a tiny dab of sexual experience and a lot of ignorance about human nature. The women you meet, fall in love with, screw, and hurt, are all human beings with complex pasts, desires and dreams. Treat each woman, no matter who she is, as if she is your best friend's girl. Give her respect, even if you don't choose to engage her in a meaningful way. Understand that she is a daughter, a sister and someone's baby and if she's not good enough to be kind to, then leave her alone. Your dealings with the chicks will come back to haunt you, and each shitty act will be revisited on you, or your children, or your future women. Trust me here...it really happens. Be a good man, a smart man and an observant man, and women will not be a source of pain in your life. Take my word on it.

PS, I know this will make its way to the ladies forum....because I've divulged trade secrets. And, I predict much of it will be hotly debated by the womenz of ARFcom, whom I love and respect. However, let none of that diminish my wisdom....if they don't acknowledge my genius, then it just proves Item #1. Sorry gals.


Link Posted: 11/11/2005 6:22:45 AM EDT
wow that is classic. I know he didn't come up that all by himself
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 6:25:49 AM EDT

Originally Posted By BeetleBailey:
wow that is classic. I know he didn't come up that all by himself




He's very talented. Check out some of his other posts.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 6:33:28 AM EDT
I violated rules #1, 2, 7, and 8.



Blah.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 6:36:43 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/11/2005 6:38:28 AM EDT by Dolomite]

Originally Posted By TacticalStrat:
By Swingset
If daddy beat them, left them, or otherwise was a shitbag, you had better believe they will not have healthy impulses and chaos will follow them throughout their days.


But the "Daddy-didn't-love-me"s are like the McDonald's Monopoly game - pull the tab - you're going to win at least a small fries.

And what hits the spot better after a night out slamming beer than an order of fries from Micky D's?
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 6:44:21 AM EDT





Those are truly Words of Wisdom.

Link Posted: 11/11/2005 6:47:41 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Dolomite:

Originally Posted By TacticalStrat:
By Swingset
If daddy beat them, left them, or otherwise was a shitbag, you had better believe they will not have healthy impulses and chaos will follow them throughout their days.


But the "Daddy-didn't-love-me"s are like the McDonald's Monopoly game - pull the tab - you're going to win at least a small fries.

And what hits the spot better after a night out slamming beer than an order of fries from Micky D's?



What's the old saying? You can judge how well you did last night if you're being served breakfast in bed or ordering take out at McD's?

All in good fun ofcourse Dolomite. Pass the fries and the catsup. Patty
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 6:51:48 AM EDT
All hail the wisdom of swingset!
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 6:53:22 AM EDT
This info is worthy of 87 w00ts!
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 6:56:51 AM EDT
Having worked with wimminz and living with them too...these words are absolutely on the mark!

Link Posted: 11/11/2005 7:00:02 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/11/2005 7:00:44 AM EDT by xanadu]
Thanks,

I just sent that to my 22yrold son.

That's about the highest comliment you swingset could receive.

x
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 7:12:46 AM EDT
Words O' Wisdom.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 7:21:21 AM EDT
My inside sources have read this and say it is true. Especially #7.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 7:32:00 AM EDT
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 7:37:03 AM EDT

Originally Posted By BeetleBailey:
wow that is classic. I know he didn't come up that all by himself



i think thats all his. hes definitely one of the better writers here.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 9:26:54 AM EDT
ok, heard there is a contract out on you....watch your six..

very well written, and right on..
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 9:40:11 AM EDT
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 9:42:09 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/11/2005 9:47:06 AM EDT by SteyrAUG]
Bah, I posted "SteyrAUG Helps You Losers Get Laid" over 4 years ago.

That said the above is pretty scholarly work. Almost up there with The Ladder.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 9:43:44 AM EDT
Tag.

With the luck I've been having with women, lately, I bloody well want to read it.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 9:57:28 AM EDT

Originally Posted By SteyrAUG:
Bah, I posted "SteyrAUG Helps You Losers Get Laid" over 4 years ago.

That said the above is pretty scholarly work. Almost up there with The Ladder.



Repost request for "losers get laid" SteyrAUG!


The reviews are starting to come in:

New York Times
"Swingset posts epic manifesto that puts Arfcommers on the edge of their seats"

San Francisco Monitor
"Deleriously charming with bits of tasty morsels to devour your mindset of the opposite sex"

Peoria Bugler
"This dude rawks"

Link Posted: 11/11/2005 9:58:03 AM EDT

Originally Posted By SteyrAUG:
Bah, I posted "SteyrAUG Helps You Losers Get Laid" over 4 years ago.

That said the above is pretty scholarly work. Almost up there with The Ladder.


Indeed I would say it goes hand in hand with the ladder.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 10:07:40 AM EDT
STOP FIGURING US OUT!

<­BR>

Link Posted: 11/11/2005 10:08:04 AM EDT

By God I think we have finally done it.. we have finally figured out women...


Here is to Swingset for the Nobel Prize.

Link Posted: 11/11/2005 10:18:50 AM EDT

Originally Posted By lockedandloaded:

Originally Posted By SteyrAUG:
Bah, I posted "SteyrAUG Helps You Losers Get Laid" over 4 years ago.

That said the above is pretty scholarly work. Almost up there with The Ladder.



Repost request for "losers get laid" SteyrAUG!


The reviews are starting to come in:


San Francisco Monitor
"Deleriously charming with bits of tasty morsels to devour your mindset of the opposite sex"




That was the SAN FRANCISCO Monitor? Is there any opposite sex going on there period?
And dead nuts on.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 10:22:24 AM EDT

Originally Posted By lockedandloaded:

Originally Posted By SteyrAUG:
Bah, I posted "SteyrAUG Helps You Losers Get Laid" over 4 years ago.

That said the above is pretty scholarly work. Almost up there with The Ladder.



Repost request for "losers get laid" SteyrAUG!





Was a series of about six posts now all lost to the pre archieves.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 10:23:17 AM EDT

Originally Posted By GabbasaurusRex:
STOP FIGURING US OUT!




You know you like it like that.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 10:29:47 AM EDT
Nicely done Swingset, and for you youngsters, heed what you read.

Cavu
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 10:30:37 AM EDT


All hail swingset!
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 10:33:15 AM EDT
Okay, so for the slowest among us, someone please explain why it is that women always seem to gravitate toward the dregs of society, while those of us who value honor and treat them well are left holding the bag.

Or have I simply run across all the wrong women?
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 10:36:13 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Zaphod:
Okay, so for the slowest among us, someone please explain why it is that women always seem to gravitate toward the dregs of society, while those of us who value honor and treat them well are left holding the bag.

Or have I simply run across all the wrong women?


See the part about being in charge. Generally, the dregs are assholes; however, assholes at least act like they're in charge. Nice guys are often wishy-washy.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 10:37:18 AM EDT
Best. Post. Ever.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 10:59:19 AM EDT
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 11:10:27 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/11/2005 11:11:38 AM EDT by BeetleBailey]


I edited some of the language and forwarded this to my wife for a rebuttal.
Here is her reply:




I'm torn like an old sweater on this letter of advice from your pal Swingset. I do agree with most of the items. For example...

Item 2 is true about men and women

Item 3...every woman wants a man to be in charge...no one wants a totally dependent partner. It's a turn offf.

Item 4...who wants a pansy?! I want a man who can fix my car and still look nice for dinner

I LOVE ITEM 5....Thank you Swingset!!! EXPLAIN THIS TO ALL MEN PLEASE! (for the good of all women). We are not sex machines; we are not wired like you! Would you want us to be wired like a man?!

Item 6...true dat

Item 7...not all women are like this, just the majority

Item 8...we're living proof that we're not going to be like our parents. That's all I have to say on the matter

I love item 9.

Item 10...this man really has it going on. He did forget to add that women love intelligent men. We need someone that we can be friends with, have fun with, and have a great conversation with.



I don't like that he tells men to "run". If men run at the first sign of trouble, then they don't deserve to be with a woman in the first place.

Link Posted: 11/11/2005 11:11:08 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Zaphod:
Okay, so for the slowest among us, someone please explain why it is that women always seem to gravitate toward the dregs of society, while those of us who value honor and treat them well are left holding the bag.

Or have I simply run across all the wrong women?



#2, 3, 6, 7 & 9.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 11:13:40 AM EDT

Originally Posted By dport:

Originally Posted By Zaphod:
Okay, so for the slowest among us, someone please explain why it is that women always seem to gravitate toward the dregs of society, while those of us who value honor and treat them well are left holding the bag.

Or have I simply run across all the wrong women?


See the part about being in charge. Generally, the dregs are assholes; however, assholes at least act like they're in charge. Nice guys are often wishy-washy.



1 thing:

element of danger

every woman wants it, and most guys who value honor and treat women well simply don't project it.

now, i don't necessarily mean physical danger. what i'm talking about is more akin to mystery, and is directly correlated to 'being in charge'. it is the spice of intrigue that gets a woman's mind working and blood moving.

women say that they like to feel safe, but if they don't also feel a bit of danger, they'll find it elsewhere.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 11:18:12 AM EDT
for some reason that post makes me want to drink beer and chase tail
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 11:22:18 AM EDT

Originally Posted By BeetleBailey:

I edited some of the language and forwarded this to my wife for a rebuttal.
Here is her reply:



Item 1: Do not listen to what women have to say about women. They are not privy to the keen powers of self-instropection, nor are they honest when the mirror paints the picture of womanhood in a less-than-flattering light. If women were to be trusted about how they tick, we'd all have it figured out, and women would be happy. Society is afraid of saying what I am, that women have been led to believe they are a noble half of the human race, and more suited to matters of the heart. Fact is, they're just as clueless as you. Next.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 12:11:48 PM EDT
A classic
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 12:13:32 PM EDT
Awesome post! Better start running and hiding now, you know what happened to the "100 MPG carb guy" right?
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 12:54:01 PM EDT

Originally Posted By dport:

Originally Posted By Zaphod:
Okay, so for the slowest among us, someone please explain why it is that women always seem to gravitate toward the dregs of society, while those of us who value honor and treat them well are left holding the bag.

Or have I simply run across all the wrong women?


See the part about being in charge. Generally, the dregs are assholes; however, assholes at least act like they're in charge. Nice guys are often wishy-washy.



That's funny. The former Trillian apparently got turned off by my being in charge.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 2:47:59 PM EDT

Originally Posted By DVDTracker:
I'm saving this for my nephew when he turns 18.




18?

Dude, early is the win.

Try like 15.
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 6:46:11 PM EDT

Originally Posted By SteyrAUG:

Originally Posted By BeetleBailey:

I edited some of the language and forwarded this to my wife for a rebuttal.
Here is her reply:



Item 1: Do not listen to what women have to say about women. They are not privy to the keen powers of self-instropection, nor are they honest when the mirror paints the picture of womanhood in a less-than-flattering light. If women were to be trusted about how they tick, we'd all have it figured out, and women would be happy. Society is afraid of saying what I am, that women have been led to believe they are a noble half of the human race, and more suited to matters of the heart. Fact is, they're just as clueless as you. Next.



First B_B What your wife wrote was very good and very mature for her age. Bravo

SteyrAUG do you really believe that horse pukey you just wrote? I think everyone who is trying to generalize women [or men] are setting themselves up for big time failures. I am confident that I know as much about myself [possibly more] as say you do about yourself. How can womanhood in general be painted in a less than flattering light? For Goodness sakes? How and the heck can womanhood generally be unflattering? Its individuals that make women look bad, just as trolls in the men gender make men look bad. For every bad woman there's at least one bad man.

Why on earth would anyone as intelligent as you degrade women by such rubbish? I love being a woman. I enjoy soft clothes, scented perfumes. I enjoy wearing matching bras/panties, I loved giving birth to my children and nursing them and caring for them. Watching them grow [until teenagers] and succeed. I enjoy cooking, sewing, dancing, knitting, reading. Most typical stereo typical woman things, I enjoy. What is wrong with that?

Patty
PS I also enjoy shooting my M16
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 7:07:03 PM EDT
tagged for later
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 7:09:34 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 7:19:49 PM EDT
that deserves a big...


AMEN
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 7:21:57 PM EDT
Oh, instant classic. I just broke all rules for my last relationship....Damn us men and our superior logic! Oh well, all hail Swingset!
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 7:29:42 PM EDT
Where's the part about they want to be pissed on??? I'm sorry I couldn't stop myself... I'm confusing two different posts..???? Please forgive me... Must be the beer talking....???????
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 8:27:02 PM EDT
tagged
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 8:33:33 PM EDT
Sounds pretty good...

I tend to agree with it, on the most part. I also think women look at a relationship as a challenge, where men look at a relationship as completion of a challenge (the "hunt").
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 11:16:29 PM EDT
tagaroo
Link Posted: 11/11/2005 11:25:55 PM EDT
See sigline.
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