Some of you have worked with me professionally so I'm not going to get into specifics, but I have some "dirty little secrets" that now that I'm unemployed I thought I would share.

I was a division HR director (HR/Executive sourcing) for a fortune 100 company, specifically over the engineering/manufacturing side of a major defense contractor. While these are not universal, and mostly apply to large corporations, it's still good advice.

1: If you are male in an office environment, you have most likely been accused of sexual harassment anonymously. No matter what you did, no matter how you compose yourself, a woman has probably suggested either in person or through email anonymously that you are a rapist/sexual harasser. You probably don't even know you were accused.

Throughout my career, I encountered a STAGGERING amount of false sexual harassment claims. I made it a priority to actually investigate each one, even though the c-levels above me would have preferred I simply take the side of the liar. I'm ashamed to say I had to walk people out that I KNEW didn't do anything. My advice to men in office environments, don't engage females casually at the office, no matter how ridiculous that seems.

People who disregard the first point often fall into a trap that I've seen repeated more times than I can count "*Insert female name* knows I'm playing around, she does it back/she's fun/she told me she doesn't care/everyone jokes around/etc." That is probably the line I get from 90% of people who got walked out for it.

2: Don't date coworkers. Statistically this will end badly. There was even a double homicide in our parking lot over it The majority of "he raped me" claims happened between coworkers who went on dates, as well.

3: If you work on the floor/manufacturing you're less likely to be accused of sexual harassment (maybe due to there being less females, or maybe due to the type of female who generally works in manufacturing,) but keep your mouth shut in front of anyone from "the office." Many walk outs over a floormen making a rude remark when someone from purchasing/accounting/etc went out on the floor and overheard something.

4: If a woman flirts with you, or asks you out on a date and you decline, report it to HR immediately. Start documenting your interactions. Seems silly, I know, but it would have saved a lot of jobs.

5: If you are married, keep your dick in your pants.

6: Homosexuals, you are not immune from the rules governing sexual harassment. I'm not sure why you think you are I cannot tell you how many homosexuals seem to think it's OK since they're homosexuals. And don't try the "I was only joking" line, it isn't going to work.

7: If you are a guy and you even THINK you're going to have a problem with a woman, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Tell HR about it, send emails, and if your state allows it record conversations.

8: I can see your tuckable holster a mile away. I don't give a shit and encourage carrying at work, but if someone who knows what to look for sees it and your company doesn't allow it, that's an awkward situation.

9: This one is sexist, but it's just my anecdotal experience. I will see women being everyone's friend, hanging out in groups, smiling and laughing with everyone... then 15 minutes later they're in my office stabbing everyone in the back. 99% of the time I witnessed this, it came from women. A lot of guys aren't wired this way, and are oblivious to it (I was until I witnessed it,) but it's best to treat everyone you don't personally trust with kid gloves.

Bonus tip: Make good friends with the IT guys at work! I enjoyed surfing Arfcom all day.

ETA: DON'T ADD FEMALE COWORKERS ON FACEBOOK.

Pretty sad, isn't it.

Can I grab them by the pussy?

I got started in executive recruiting. Made a lot of money, had a lot of fun, made a lot of friends. When the HR gig came up, it was steadier hours, less travel, more prestigious. I thought "Absolutely!"

It beat me down. I started hating work, most of the people under me were black women and I was pretty much isolated. Quitting was the best thing in the world

Has it really come to this?

It really depends. I've been in a lot of departments and it was the same story across the board. While nothing is universal, these are just nuggets of wisdom I accrued from witnessing the drama from behind the curtain. If you have a decent HR department, you won't hear about 90% of the BS. But it's there.

Cop for 10yrs
Investigator for 2 in metro area.

I can count on one hand the amount of genuine sexual assaults/rapes I’ve worked or even been involved in for a decade.

Not the same as harassment but it’s uncanny the amount of times the woman is lying in these situations. Especially jilted / ex lovers.

I work in IT, what are these "women coworkers" you speak of?

Are you independently rich and famous?

And I presume you were working criminal cases, where people might suffer a consequence from lying. In a corporate atmosphere, there's no risk to throwing out the accusations at anyone you don't like.

Pretty much.

I have been on the receiving end of what he talks about. A woman made something up about me and I almost got fired despite it being he-said-she-said.
The woman's word carries more weight than a man's. If you are a white male and she is a minority, than God help you because no one else will.

HR used to not exist. It was Personnel and they didn't do jack shit except
1. Give you an application, clip board and a pen
2. Call you to set up interview
3. Call you to tell you yes or no.
4. Give you your employee ID badge
5. Give you your Blue Cross physician directory/insurance stuff
6. Take your badge when you quit.

Somehow the fuckers are now in charge of everything.

If I wasn't in my office, I was hanging out in the server room with the IT guys. Played lots of cards/games of Risk over the years

There is nearly no risk for a corporation to fire you over the claims, but there's considerable risk to NOT fire you. Women know this.

Bingo. Its the inconvenient and unpopular truth that gets squashed when people ask about stats.

I have been following 1 and 2 since I started supervising women in 1995. Never had to follow any of the others and never had to be told to follow 1 and 2. It seemed like common sense.

EXACTLY! My department reported those stats every month, and 90% of them were BS (woman recanted, proven liar, etc.) Yet each one counted all the same.

My wife is a Senior Technology Recruiter.  She is really good at it and loves her job.  She had worked HR jobs in the past and it was horrible.  At least once a week she would be in tears walking through the door.

HR sucks the life out of you.  Congrats for bailing out.

Call sign "cans" checks out.

What can straight white males do to increase the likelihood of getting hired at large companies?

When i worked low end jobs I saw a lot of grab ass, especially restaurants, hell i literally have grabbed them by the pussy. Some work envirnoments get really carried away. All the office jobs I've had, it would be extremely awkward if anyone tried anything like that. But i guess call centers and shit like that probably get this.

I was bailed out, really haha

I was always on thin ice because it's a pretty liberal place. I shitcanned the minority pride events (in my division, company wide they still could attend.) They gave me an anti-gun speech to read after Sandy Hook, and I took out all the anti-gun shit and just said "Pray for the families." That was the first time I was warned. Then after the Charlotteville riot, I refused to read a pro-antifa (basically,) speech and that was the last straw, I was told people accused me of being a white nationalist over it. I refused to meet with the higher ups and get lectured about it so I pretty much walked.

eta: A janitor and I got a formal warning for taking a box of Hillary pamphlets the union dropped off and throwing them in the dumpster

Thanks for the PSA.   Corporate America Sucks.    I would encourage young people to seek out good paying Government or large corporation Union jobs.    Its not foolproof but it provides some protection against the worst of the abuses.

Our VP of Human Resources changed his title to VP of People and today I got an email saying we hired a Senior VP of Training who has expertise in "Emotional Intelligence" testing.

Every time I find myself thinking "Gee, this company isn't so bad. Maybe I won't take early retirement." something like this happens and I go back to counting the days.

I once had a girl get groped on a day the groper didn’t work and in a place there was a camera. Neither the groper or the gropee were in the area when the grope happened. Despite Facebook photos showing the groper being out of state when the grope happened, an investigation still had to be completed.

One time a homosexual filed unemployment, he was fired and it was discrimination. I got the claim letter from the government while the MF was clocked in and working.

Be gay. I'm not joking.

Other than that? You're fucked. There is no merit based employment it seems.

I was warned about a chick I worked with. She showed a guy a picture of her tits. When he asked her out, she reported it to HR. It made her “uncomfortable.” He was fired.

Bitch wasn’t worth getting fired over. (Fatty.)

Restaurants are the worst. I had a huge cow chasing me around when I was pearl diving. Waiters and dishwashers are degenerates.

I knew it was bad but damn

I've broken so many of your rules and still come out ok/not fired.

Good stuff.. Yes you have to that careful/ paranoid if you work with women.

I find it interesting you say document everything... I do that via journaling, mostly my social interactions for therapy. So this would include mostly interactions with coworkers. So when I had a problem at my previous job, I filed a complaint immediately. I shared some of my journal entries and named witnesses (at the time they backed me up). It all backfired on me, HR or my manager didn't back me and only viewed me a liability. I was retaliated on by my manager and was terminated not long after. I easily won my unemployment case and they tried to fight it; my journals and documenting helped get benefits, not protect my job.

EDIT:
This was a large employer, one the largest in the industry... But management is not educated, my department manager never completed college. The HR Director, according to her LinkedIn needed a little over 10 years to complete a bachelors.

I'm there to work, it ain't social hour. I know some people work only because it's a mechanism to make friends, but thats not how I roll. I don't talk to people about personal stuff much, especially our internal customer. All business all the time. Everything I do other than pee/crap is on camera, so good luck with your claims, anonymous. Once HR brings up the vid are they are going to see is me conducting business as rapidly as possible and immediate exfil. A wanna-be false accuser would literally have to chase me...and can't enter my office by policy.

I’ve noticed similar behavior is treated differently depending on gender, race and orientation.

A minority lesbian can get away with pretty much anything.

Some might say it's due to the rise of women in the workplace. Someone I know investigated lots of incidents for a major US corporation and determined that ~90% of incidents were related to women in the workplace. That company has changed their standard model to promoting mostly women into upper management and I think it's partly due to lower risk of them being accused of sexual harassment.  It's extremely prevalent, and it's a no win situation for the company. No win other than get rid of as many men as possible.

And now this trend is rapidly spreading into the political sphere. The use of weaponized sexual  harassment claims to subvert democracy. Ie sexual terrorism.

Never leave the basement!

I've had the worst experiences of my life in this job, walking out innocent people, but if I didn't walk them out the other bitches would have demanded a security escort and embarrassed the fuck out of them. I tell them to put me down as a reference but it always made me feel terrible.

Just wonder, did you officially fire them or did you give them the option of resigning (so they can get another job easier)?

Yeah that's an ominous sign. Someone making big money was brought on board and it wasn't to make friends.

I don't trust anyone with a Vagina, I've witnessed the "we're all cool" back stab anyone females in the military. This includes the white knights that are trying to get laid.

It depends. I would fight tooth and nail if I knew it was fake, but I'd usually tell them "If I fail, you won't have the option to resign."

That being said, they gave future jobs my cell number and I lie and claim they were still working here usually, or whatever we worked out. I tried to not leave them high and dry. I always left feeling miserable.

I generally follow your rules already.

What bothers me is when HR -should- know better. When every time a particular woman gets a bad review she accuses her boss and/or mentor of sexual harassment... look, even if you believed her the first time, the third time should probably be a clue.

Lots of frequent fliers when it comes to sexual harassment complaints.

And I agree, HR should. HR has earned a terrible reputation.

ETA: I would have been catapulted from the roof if I said "Hey you lying bitch, stop lying about sexual harassment." I can best describe working in HR as trying to win a fencing match with your hands tied behind your back. I was fighting c-levels, I was fighting the people under me. No one cares about merit, and no one cares what is fair.

Uh oh, did you get the boot?

This.
Another benefit is that 99% of the people at work know neither jack nor shit about what we do. Just keep all the plates spinning and you’re golden. Mostly.

There was nearly never an official complaint about IT workers, other than smell. Luckily I never had to do it, but several generalists had to talk to IT workers about BO

Oh, you're serious?

Do you have to deal with the company's Chief Diversity Officer?

I don't know if you're joking or not, but we did in fact have a CDO, and there was a diversity representative in my division. I nearly never dealt wit her in an HR capacity, and luckily the position didn't exist when I was recruiting.