HARDFIRE! Are the Paranoids Coming to Get Us?

Dave Burge
Welcome to Iowahawk HARDFIRE! I'm your host Dave Burge. In today's edition of HARDFIRE!: Americans running terrified in the streets, wearing respirator masks, openly complaining about taxes –– coincidence, or deadly harbinger of a new age of national schizophrenic paranoia? Joining me to find answers are actress-activist Janeane Garofalo, spokesvirus for the Latino immigrant disease community Porco Influenza, and White House transportation czar Air Force One. Put on your asbestos groin cup and let's play HARDFIRE!

Theme Music
Dicka dicka doo, dicka dicka doo! POW POW POW! Shrrrrrredddd!

Dave Burge
In the 1970 Black Sabbath monster hit Paranoid, Ozzie Osborne sang "finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind. People think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time." Heavy metal classic or Nostradamus-like prophecy for 2009 America? Air Force One! It's Go Time on Iowahawk HARDFIRE!

Air Force One
Well Dave, I'm going to have to say both. There's no denying that Tony Iommi's chunky lead and Geezer Butler's thundering bass set a lasting standard for headbanging power trios. But there's also no denying there's something very unsettling about today's body politic. Just the other day I decided to drop into lower Manhattan for a surprise low altitude fly-by photo op. I was expecting friendly smiles and waves, but instead that crowd in Battery Park started scurrying around like a herd of caribou underneath Sarah Palin's helicopter. I mean, what's up with that?

Dave Burge
Psychologists say some New Yorkers may still have lingering memories of 9-11.

Air Force One
9-1-what?

Dave Burge
Nevermind. How are you coping with the trauma of that painful incident?

Air Force One
Well Dave, I have to say my self-esteem took a hit. It made me realize that Jumbo Jet-Americans still face an uphill battle against paranoid transportational profiling. I'm a government professional, but I can't fly down the street without people crossing to the other side and avoiding eye contact. And just try hailing a cab when you're a 747.

Dave Burge
The old 'jumbo jet in a dark alley' stereotype?

Air Force One
Mmhm. As a result, I had to cancel another fly-by of the Pentagon, and a secret powdered sugar drop on Los Angeles. What has happened to this country?

Porco Influenza
Hey, ese, you think you got it bad? Just try being an undocumented swine virus.

Dave Burge
Porko Influenza! It's your turn in the crosshairs of HARDFIRE! Your immigrant group has been in the news a lot recently. Do you see the same growing trend in American paranoia?

Porco Influenza
Are you kidding me? Everywhere you go these days, people are wearing those stupid Japanese breathing masks, trying to ban the virus community from their respiratory neighborhoods. We came to this country only seeking a better life for ourselves and our little mutant strains. Instead, many end up living in the shadows, slow-cooked and covered in hickory smoked barbecue sauce.

Dave Burge
Have you gotten any assistance from the government?

Porco Influenza
At best, the administration has had a mixed record on immigrant virus issues. I'm happy that they've resisted efforts to close down the border, but just this morning Vice President Biden launched into a paranoid fear campaign against the viral community.

Air Force One
Now hold on, Porco, you know the Vice President has a habit of misspeaking. I'm sure he did not mean what he said. You know as well as I do that the administration has been at the forefront of immigrant virus rights. In fact I personally helped airlift billions of your fellow germs out of Mexico just last week.

Dave Burge
Janeane Garafalo! You're an expert on infectious diseases. What say you?

Janeane Garofalo
Obviously we all need do what we can to help the struggling virus community, like supporting the virus sanctuary movement. I personally sponsor over twenty separate homeless germ shelters.

Dave Burge
You mean your cold sores?

Janeane Garofalo
Yes. But there's only so much we in the aging hipster skank community can accomplish with amateur body piercings and soap boycotts. We really need to attack the root cause of the American paranoia, which is Fox News.

Dave Burge
Wait a minute, don't you take a paycheck from Fox for '24'?

Janeane Garofalo
Yes, but I only use it to support the unsterilized local tattoo parlor movement.

Porco Influenza
You actually paid for those? They look like they were done by a drunk high school kid with a Bic pen. Are they supposed to be ironic?

Janeane Garofalo
uhhh... man, I don't even know anymore.

Dave Burge
It's time to get back on topic on HARDFIRE! Okay Garofalo, you said Fox was behind the resurgence of populist paranoia. Elaborate!

Janeane Garofalo
Just look at all the paranoid teabagger Nuremburg parties. Do you really think those were spontaneous? Here's how it works. Skull and Bones calls Cheney. Cheney calls Rove. Rove calls O'Reilly. The next thing you know there's a zombie army of Klansman goosestepping all over the town square of East Bumfuck, Idaho, looking for tax cuts and lynching trees.

Dave Burge
Are you saying they're all racist? Even the little kids and old ladies?

Janeane Garofalo
What other possible explanation could there be for opposing Obama? Look, if the white hood fits, wear it. Actually those little kids and old ladies are the probably the worst. Those kids are already hopelessly brainwashed by Fox. You'd be surprised at how many times a day children run from me in terror. And don't let the sweater vests and Wal-Mart applique jeans fool you, those midwestern nazi grandmas are one snap away from blowing up their mobility scooters in front of a federal building.

Dave Burge
It certainly looks like Eric Hofer is still right about the paranoid style in American politics. But what can Americans do to protect themselves from the impending attacks by the paranoiacs?

Janeane Garofalo
As a first step, the FBI needs to intensify monitoring of these extremist groups in case they try to blow up Planned Parenthood clinics or fluorodate our water supply. Ultimately though we have to begin regulating the flow of talk radio and Fox propaganda through the Fairness Doctrine, VCHIP, and selective waterboarding of Fox's blonde anchor sluts.  

Air Force One
I have to agree with Janeane here Dave, that's why I ban Fox reporters from my cabin.

Porco Influenza
Hey, what's that vial in your Hello Kitty messenger bag, Garofalo –– is that a penecillin prescription??

Janeane Garofalo
Uhh... no! You've got it all wrong! It's actually for uhh, a friend! Really!

Porco Influenza
Genocide! Genocide!

Dave Burge
I'm sorry that's all the time we have today. Until next time, this is your host Dave Burge reminding you - don't get burned in the HARDFIRE!

Theme Music
Dicka dicka doo, dicka dicka doo! POW POW POW! Shrrrrrredddd!