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Posted: 12/21/2005 8:48:54 PM EDT
GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Hiram, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped.

This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.

One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs.

"I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape. On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it.

The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Eric The(FromAnE-mail)Hun
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 4:40:20 AM EDT
A request that I 'btt' this thread has been received.

Eric The(Accomodating)Hun
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 4:43:47 AM EDT
Why couldn't this have been posted last evening before I went to the ER for tape and paper cuts after wrestling with both for two hours!
This needs to be reposted every December!
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 4:43:51 AM EDT
Very good ETH.
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 4:45:32 AM EDT
Gas powered, five horsepower!

You care if I share that elsewhere (With credit due of course)?
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 4:50:41 AM EDT
Very good, ETH... Merry Christmas, too. I'd wrap it for you, but this is the internet.
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 4:54:00 AM EDT

Originally Posted By EricTheHun:
GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."






Link Posted: 12/24/2005 5:01:10 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/24/2005 5:01:47 AM EDT by POW-MIAneverforget]
Now i know i'm not the only one who wraps gifts with enough paper to protect the Shuttle upon re-entry. Mne always look like giant spitballs covered in Duct tape!
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 5:09:09 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 5:13:26 AM EDT

Originally Posted By POW-MIAneverforget:
Mine always look like giant spitballs covered in Duct tape!



Uh... What's wrong with that?


Good one, ETH!!


Merry Christmas, all!!
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 5:16:01 AM EDT
Excellent

Link Posted: 12/24/2005 5:35:28 AM EDT
http://www.hintsandthings.co.uk/spareroom/giftwrap.htm
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 5:48:29 AM EDT
Did Dave Barry write that? Sounds like him. Funny stuff.

(I still want my gift wrapped, LS.)
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 6:28:23 AM EDT
And no, guys, tying the carry handles of the Wal*Mart sack in a knot does NOT qualify as "wrapping and a bow."
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 6:31:08 AM EDT
Buy small gifts, like sparkley shit. Easy to wrap.

Link Posted: 12/24/2005 6:39:18 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 6:54:00 AM EDT
This year, my gf informed me that Reynolds Heavy Duty aluminum foil and duct tape were NOT acceptable forms of gift wrap. I countered with "it's shiny and looks nice" and "you can make hats with the foil if you don't like the gift".

Alas, I was defeated, and went to the gas station last night, bought their wrapping paper, with the tensile strength of a wet tissue, and re-wrapped all the crap I bought her.....
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 6:57:09 AM EDT
I am almost all out of old jep's charts. I will have to use regular paper in the next year or so.
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 7:11:04 AM EDT
My wife won't let me wrap gifts in the comics section anymore. When I was growing up, that was an extra treat. You had funnies to read after you opened your present.

I think I'll wrap her gifts in the classifieds this year.
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 7:35:25 AM EDT
My presents look alot like hastily prepared explosive devices designed to make it through the airport unnoticed. I just cant get the hang of the wrapping game.
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 7:50:49 AM EDT
bump
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 8:19:21 AM EDT
Oh crap.

Eric, do I have to hand over my man card so you can tear a corner off because of this?

Is the man card like a "Totin' chip?"

-White Horse
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 8:36:57 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 8:45:31 AM EDT
First topic that made me laugh out loud in weeks... instigating family members to scream "What the hell is so funny?"


Wonderful.



- BG
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 9:04:45 AM EDT
We presently have 2 big green garbage bags under our tree. Both presents from wife to me
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 9:15:18 AM EDT
SFT

(So fricking tagged)

Disconnector
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 9:15:28 AM EDT

Originally Posted By photokirk:
My wife won't let me wrap gifts in the comics section anymore. When I was growing up, that was an extra treat. You had funnies to read after you opened your present.

I think I'll wrap her gifts in the classifieds this year.



Comics make the best wrapping paper. Tell your wife I said so!
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 9:22:46 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Makarov_Mami:
And no, guys, tying the carry handles of the Wal*Mart sack in a knot does NOT qualify as "wrapping and a bow."



you just no fun
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 9:27:54 AM EDT


My wife hides the wrapping paper from me - just in case!
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 10:59:19 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Makarov_Mami:
And no, guys, tying the carry handles of the Wal*Mart sack in a knot does NOT qualify as "wrapping and a bow."




Your avatar made me think of something....



...next time I give a 'special' woman a gift it's going to be wrapped with a pair of fishnet thigh-highs and a garter belt.



Link Posted: 12/24/2005 11:03:12 AM EDT

Originally Posted By photokirk:
My wife won't let me wrap gifts in the comics section anymore. When I was growing up, that was an extra treat. You had funnies to read after you opened your present.

I think I'll wrap her gifts in the classifieds this year.



Oh shit!



Just for giggles you should've paid for a classified ad that said

WANTED:
New wife. Will trade 1 40
for 2 20s. Old wife comes
with power talking, ice cold feet,
and all leather interior.
Call Kirk (505)555-5555

Then wrap her gift in that page and circle the ad.



Maybe stuff like that has something to do with my pending divorce??



Naaaaaahhh!
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 11:14:41 AM EDT
Excellent post ETH, the spitballl looking Christmas gifts are the best I've ever managed!
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 11:38:48 AM EDT
Duct tape baby . All the way .
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 11:42:30 AM EDT
i am the only woman i know who hates wrapping gifts--i am horrible at it

however, i LOVE gift bags



gift wrapping and love of shoes must be on the same gene or something--im not big on either
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 12:03:05 PM EDT

Link Posted: 12/24/2005 12:07:27 PM EDT
In my younger days, I would often wait until the victim's actual birthday, and after a similarly sized gift had been unwrapped, would nab the discarded paper, wrap my gift, and quietly return, placing gift next to lucky recipient.

Newspaper makes good wrapping paper, but the most important gift-wrapping invention ever is the gift bag. No tape or skills required. Just drop in gift, wad up some paper and stuff it in the bag to cover up gift. Done. No more not buying a gift because it is shaped funny and impossible to wrap.
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 12:11:29 PM EDT
WTF .... Am I the only guy here that can wrap presents ?

It isn't that friggin hard . In fact it's a motor skill that
involves geometry and spatial recognition . These skills
are supposed to be stronger in the male brain .

The whole time my children were growing up . I did the
majority of the gift wrapping . As they got older it became
a Christmas ritual for my daughter to point out who wrapped
which gift . To the chagrin of my Ex

Maybe I'm just anal retentive , but it just aint right
if the corners aren’t square and the pattern on the paper
doesn't match up at the seams . Or how to fold the paper
so it covers odd shaped objects smoothly .
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 12:18:44 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/24/2005 12:20:01 PM EDT by Kodiak-AK]
In all honesty my gift exchange partner can attest to how bad I wrap presents when i don't have duct tape , but I tried damn it .
Link Posted: 12/24/2005 12:20:54 PM EDT

Originally Posted By chrome1:
WTF .... Am I the only guy here that can wrap presents ?

It isn't that friggin hard . In fact it's a motor skill that
involves geometry and spatial recognition . These skills
are supposed to be stronger in the male brain .

The whole time my children were growing up . I did the
majority of the gift wrapping . As they got older it became
a Christmas ritual for my daughter to point out who wrapped
which gift . To the chagrin of my Ex

Maybe I'm just anal retentive , but it just aint right
if the corners aren’t square and the pattern on the paper
doesn't match up at the seams . Or how to fold the paper
so it covers odd shaped objects smoothly .




Time to turn in your mancard?????

J/K
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