My apologies if you've already seen these, but I just got emailed this yesterday. Better late than never...
It is with deep regret, hesitation, and contrition that I, The President of the United States of America, offer apology to the Chinese nation and its peoples.
I apologize for the heinous act performed by our large, sluggish, propeller driven, airplane when it got in the way of your highly maneuverable, supersonic, technologically superior, jet aircraft.
Furthermore, I sincerely regret the fact that by flying in international airspace, we afforded your "highly competent" pilot the opportunity to fly his aircraft into our own, causing him to spiral to his death into the ocean.
We regret the choice made by said pilot when he used deficient judgment in electing to attempt aerial intimidation upon our slower moving, unarmed, surveillance vehicle. This situation brings to mind a similar episode when I was in grade school and my face got in the way of the school yard bully's fist. He broke a bone in his hand and I felt as compelled to apologize for that incident as I do for this one.
Let me summarize by stating that it is our sincere hope that you accept this "heart felt" and "sincere" apology for the actions committed by your pilot. We are sorry that we got in the way. We are sorry that we were forced to leave international airspace and land in Chinese territory.
We are sorry that you were forced to provide food and housing for our military personnel. Most of all, we are sorry that you have, in your possession, some of our most technologically advanced surveillance equipment on the planet. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive us. I hope that soon you will be compelled to release our men and our property.
Because I really don't want to have to apologize again when we have to kick your butt.
George W. Bush
President of the United States
To: Premier Dung
From: President Bush
The United States is truly sorry that your nation is not capable of training your pilots to fly without striking other aircraft. We are also sorry that your people lack the honor to respect the international laws governing collision avoidance between aircraft when flying in international airspace.
We further regret that you cannot be trusted to respect the integrity of sovereign aircraft forced at gun point to land on your soil after your inept pilot forced a collision. We truly regret the state of incompetence demonstrated by the People's Dictatorship of China.
That being said, you are holding our servicemen hostage, illegally. You are holding our aircraft, illegally. I am sorry to inform you that all your Ambassadors, aides, businessmen, and students currently residing in the United States will have their visas revoked at midnight tonight.
I am also sorry to inform you that all Chinese assets in the United States are frozen. I am sorry to inform Beanie Baby collectors that all imports from the PDC will be halted. All foreign aid monies to the PDC and all IMF etc funds are cancelled.
I am not sorry to announce, however, that sales of advanced technology military equipment to the Republic of Taiwan will be accelerated. Nor am I sorry to announce that two additional carrier battle groups will be assigned to patrol the waters off the coasts of the PDC. You also lost the Black Beret Contract.
I'm sure I