and some folks say the Weekly world news is useless!
Incredible New Study Proves...
GALS WHO GO TOPLESS LIVE LONGER
By Mark Miller
AN EXCITING breakthrough in aging has just been discovered -- women who go topless live longer!
"According to our research, women can add 10, 20, up to 30 years to their lives, depending on how frequently and for what duration of time they uncover their breasts," states Dr. Andrew Mansfield, director of BRIA -- the Breast Research Institute of America. "And the more they display them out in public, the longer they live."
Dr. Mansfield's groundbreaking study, "Aging Dynamics of the Semi-Nude Contemporary Female," appears in the current issue of North American Journal of Clothing-Optional Metrics.
"The results are frankly astounding," says Eleanor Zeitzer, founder of the International Institute of Aging Studies. "And as a result, we've amended our company's dress code to allow female employees to work topless. Almost all of them have taken advantage of this new freedom, and as an additional positive result, absenteeism of male employees is down to zero." High-school student Peter Strokemeir, 17, looks forward to the survey's results motivating more women to go topless. "I spend an average of two hours a day looking through my binoculars and telescope trying to catch women undressing in their apartment windows.
"If more of them would start walking around with their gajoombas on display, I wouldn't have to spend all that time on research."
Obviously in agreement with the study's findings is 109-year-old Jennie McDibble, a lifelong nudist. "I've never covered up my ta-tas," admits McDibble. "That would be like keeping 'em in prison. America's the land of the free -- so why shouldn't my fun bags be free, too!?"
As to why the female life span becomes extended as a result of a woman's going topless, Dr. Mansfield has a theory: "The positive attention topless women get from men is psychologically such a lift that it affects various physical systems within the body positively as well -- not to mention that going topless often leads to sex, which we all know is life-enhancing in many ways."
The survey also revealed advantages to going topless even beyond the benefits of longevity. According to 24-year-old Amy Rantelle, "Since I've started going topless in public more frequently, I've gotten tons of job offers, a great new boyfriend, free restaurant meals, invitations to appear in magazines and on TV -- for great pay, and I've gotten out of five speeding tickets! Plus, it's just plain fun watching people's reactions when they notice my melons on display!" Dr. Mansfield's next study will chart the longevity factors of men who go bottomless. "My wife offered to help with that survey."