No, I did NOT write this... I swiped it from somewhere else on the Web like all good surfers do...
Evil Overlord Instructions:
Being an Evil Overlord seems, potentially, to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours.
However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end.
I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear bulletproof visors; not face-concealing bullet permeable ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. They will also be lined with razor blades and inhabited by rabid weasels.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"
I'll say, "No." and shoot him. Twice. In the head.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. If she doesn't put out, she dies. Beautiful princesses are a dime a dozen these days.
Evil Overlords have NO time for frigidity in their women.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". Alternately, the "Self destruct" will cause whoever activates it to... you guessed it, Destruct.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
After interogation, they will be killed immediately.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I won't waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident.
I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. What is the point in being an Evil Overlord if you can't set an example?
15. I will make it clear to all that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average 5 year-old child. Any flaws in my plan will be corrected before implementation. Five year olds also work cheap, and can come up with some pretty evil stuff.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. They will be rigourously schooled in codes, and carry suicide pills which they damned well better use if compromised.
Failure to adhere to these tenets will incur my wrath.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. He is simply entitled to DIE,
preferrably in great pain.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.
If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. It will also go off if tampered with.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." After all, if there was something I still needed to know, I would not tip my hand regarding my intentions towards their mortality. Starting a sentence with "But" is bad grammar anyway.
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. Then, I will kill them, so as to keep my plans secret.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp my power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected plot developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated, and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. We will also use lots of Kevlar or whatever the armor du jour happens to be. No prissy British super agent with a .32 caliber PPK is going to dispatch MY guys with ease.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way, even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless, we can still pose a threat, cause terror, death and destruction. All troops will be issued extra ammo, and taught how to change magazines in their weapons. Any trooper throwing his weapon ineffectively at any threat will be thrown after it.
My troops will not be overrun by savages armed with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
(After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone out there who is just as attractive that is not desperate to kill me. I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. Especially if all of the prisoners are male...
34. I will never rely on a biological specimen, mutated or otherwise, that may ultimately turn on me, or be found to be easily vanquished by the application of common household chemicals.
35. I will reload and reholster my weapon immediately after each use. It will not be left on the desk, the table, or anywhere else that I do not have immediate access to it at all times.
36. All of my guard dogs will be female, thereby unaffected by the old "bitch in heat" diversion ploy.
37. Anyone entering my organization will be vetted, interogated, and otherwise confirmed as evil. We will gladly accept laterals from the IRS.
38. All of my troops will be instructed in proper use of weapon sights. Any trooper shooting from the hip, or going "Rambo" will be shot by the Sargeant in charge.
39. My attack ships will be equipped with safety devices to keep them from instantaneously plummeting from the sky if the pilot becomes disabled. They may even be programmed to crash a target of opportunity in such an event.
40. If the Hero do gooder comes under my power as a captive due to some excrementally stupid move on his/her part, I will not place them in some ridiculously easily escapable situation alledgedly intended to cause their demise.
Instead, I will shoot him. Twice, in the head, with an obscenely large caliber weapon.
If a little overkill is good, a lot is better.
Good luck in your efforts to take over the world. I hope that these instructions help.
(In before the cries of DUPE!)
I think the dupe is past the statute of limitations, since it's been a few years since I've seen this.
... although the one I have saved has 100 rules
Bush / cheney stole the other 60 rules and are using them to run their fascist neocon empire!
Yeah, I know there's a longer one out there. This one was at my fingertips from a saved link from a LONG time ago.
Sorry - wasn't meant as a dig at you
When is ryoko coming back to your avatar already?
dupe but it has been at least a mon th or so and i find this list really funny
the last one had 225 on it though
So what are the other 60? I mean if your going to do it, might as well get it right. Unless you only plan on having a small evil empire, like say a your Homeowners association or the neighborhood cime watch group. Knowledge is power.
list of 100:
You forgot some.....
( yes, I shamelessly plagerized these off of the net)
Somewhat related: 152 rules for being an Evil Overlord:
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artefact, which is the source of my power, will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object that is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-off that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralise my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery, which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All-important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organisation to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cellblock, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters that work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organisation. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?” I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast, which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact that can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBook’s.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!” I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in less than 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits, which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with public ally available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticising each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance; I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
101. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
102. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
104. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organisation, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
105. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
106. If my supreme command centre comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defences from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
107. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
108. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character that has given up his/her life through self-sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
109. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
110. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
111. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
112. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralised by relatively inconspicuous talisman.
113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
114. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
115. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
116. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
117. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
118. If I have equipment that performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
119. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
120. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
121. If I come into possession of an artefact that can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
122. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
123. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
124. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter, who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son, who works in the same field, but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
125. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof death-trap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantagepoint or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
126. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily, spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
127. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
128. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
129. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
130. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
132. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. Its regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
134. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
135. My doomsday machine will have a highly advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
136. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
137. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there is any valid military expenditure that could use the extra budget.
138. The passageways to and within my domain will be well lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
139. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
140. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
141. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
142. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
143. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honour.
144. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
145. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
146. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be they will be immediately vaporised instead of brought in for salvage.
147. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
148. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
149. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
150. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
151. If I make a zombie out of one of the heroes, rather than killing him, I will not put him in a position where he will make ANY contact with his friends, lest he remember them and turn against me, or they learn how to free all my zombies by freeing him.
152. If I corrupt any of the heroes and turn them to the "Dark Side," I will not tell them to prove their loyalty by killing their former friends or family members.
My evil plans are coming together nicely.
Ye Gods! You're obsessed with her, aren't you?
Ok... I'll put her back up after I close on my new house and "officially" change my location. That should be on (knock on wood) Feb 13th.
Remind me if I forget.
There are three hundred rules, they're copyright of Peter Anspack (or however you spell his last name), I posted this a month or so ago, this is older than jokes about McDonald's coffee and lawsuits, and I'm ARFCOM's original evil overlord.
I mean, I posted exacting details for keeping your harem of mistresses and concubines under control while dealing with political intrigue, assassinations, and conquering Europe.
Here are my OWN:
RULES FOR ORDINARY AMERICANS WHO HAPPEN TO GET INVOLVED.
When confronted by the crazed bad guy and his henchmen, don’t timorously draw a small pistol and hold it at arm's length while shaking like a leaf.
He’ll laughingly snatch it out of your hand and proceed to humiliate you.
Pull out your .45 and shoot him GOOD.
It’ll wipe that insolent leer off his face, and will give his friends know you mean BUSINESS.
When the Evil Overlord takes an interest in you and your family, figure his henchmen will be kicking your door down soon.
First, call the police.
They absolutely LIVE for catching bad guys doing this sort of thing.
Second, be a big spender.
Invest a hundred bucks in a used 12 gauge pump shotgun.
When the Overlord’s thugs kick in your door, meet the first man (or monster) through the door with a load of 00 buckshot.
It’ll certainly give the others pause, and allow time for the police to show up.
Then sit back and enjoy the floor show as the police use nightsticks, blackjacks, sap gloves, and pepper spray to subdue the bad guys.
If you attend a meeting and the room is oddly lighted, murky, and appears to have haze-limiting visibility like every monster movie you‘ve ever seen, inquire as to WHY they can’t afford adequate lighting and ventilation.
If their answer is "It adds atmosphere", LEAVE.
If you learn the Evil Overlord OR the Hero is interested in you, take a vacation. Go to Vegas until things are resolved.
99% of the time, you won’t want to be involved in their silly plots.
When you see cars involved in a high-speed chase, pull over to the curb.
Your insurance costs enough already.
If you hear strange sounds from your basement/garage/attic,
A. Call the police.
B. Get the hundred dollar shotgun and USE IT.
If you’re contacted by a sinister person or organization asking you to do something for a large sum of money, just say “no thanks”.
First you likely won’t survive, and second you’ll never collect after the Hero gets to them anyway.
If you’re threatened by the Evil Overlord, Satan, or some itinerant monster, remind them that this IS the USA.
We have a Second Amendment, and things like they propose to do are against the law.
They DO NOT want the Feds after them, nor do they want to meet the hundred dollar shotgun.
When faced by one of these numerous troublemakers, don’t cringe, don’t hide, don’t cower, don't back down, don't back water, don't back up, and DON’T BEG.
Shoot first, shoot last, shoot fast, shoot straight, shoot often, shoot them up, shoot them down, and above all else, shoot them GOOD.
When faced by a monster, inquire as to his qualifications. If he (it) is a high-class monster, you can deal appropriately with him.
If he’s a poseur, tell him to use the servant’s entrance. You’re under no obligation to waste your time with some second-rater.
If the Evil Overlord insists on making trouble for you, remind him that in doing so, he’s just hung a target on his OWN back.
If the Evil Overlord’s Beautiful But Evil Daughter makes a move on you, refuse her.
Beautiful but evil women don’t find ordinary men attractive, and she wants something from you.
If she brazenly offers sex, remember, you stood up in a church full of your friends and relatives and took an oath to your loving wife.
It ain’t worth it.
Evil Overlords, Demons, Satin's Spawn, Bog Creatures, Mass Murderers, Alien Killing Machines, and the Godfather look like the Bobbsey Twins compared to a wife that's been cheated on.
If you hear the roar of over-stressed, powerful car engines, the scream of sirens, and a crash in your front yard, get the hundred dollar shotgun ready.
You’ll be needing it shortly.
When threatened by the Evil Overlord, his henchmen or whatever monster is the monster dejour, calmly inform them that this is a Right To Carry State.
When they realize you’re armed, their eyes (however many they have) will get very big, and they’ll leave you alone.
When things do get serious, don’t hesitate.
Pump a couple of bullets into the ol’ boiler room.
You’ll be amazed how quickly the stressful situation is resolved.
Also the word quickly gets out through the Evil Overlord Network and the Monster’s Union so you’ll be left alone next time.
If you see someone being pushed into a large black car, it isn’t a drunk being assisted home; it’s a kidnapping.
Use your cell phone and call the police.
That’s why you bought it.
If being pursued by bad guys, take no notice.
Let them drive at insane speeds, run stop lights, and in general act like it’s a demolition derby in Alabama.
The police will see, and quickly pull the bad guys over.
It’s only in the movies that wild car chases range throughout an entire downtown area without a cop in sight.
If being held in the back seat of a large black car, and the police pull them over, yell “GUN”.
This will get the police’s attention, and you’ll have a front row seat as two tough street cops shoot the shit out of the bad guys.
If a member of your family is kidnapped by the Evil Overlord, call the FBI.
They are extremely effective in dealing with kidnappers, and the EO will shortly find himself doing forever and two days in Fort Leavenworth Kansas under the Lindbergh Statute.
If you find yourself in possession of a strange artifact that glows with an unearthly light, call the EPA.
They’ll know what to do with it.
If you find yourself in possession of an artifact that the Evil Overlord and every other unsavory character in town is asking about, put it in your safety deposit box.
Get the hundred dollar shotgun ready.
Evil Overlords ARE lords.
However, as an American, you are as good as any Evil Overlord, emperor, king, sultan, potentate, president, El Supremo, or Galactic Conqueror who ever lived.
We don’t back water to any royal riffraff.
The hundred dollar shotgun works just as well on them as on any common bog creature.
When shooting monsters or bad guys, and the shots seem to have no effect, aim between their eyes. (However many they happen to have).
Godzilla on crack will go down like the Titanic, with a slug between the peepers.
Never trifle with Evil Overlords, Satan, monsters, or assorted bad guys.
These people are on your dime.
You are under no obligation to waste your time with their silly murder attempts, kidnappings, hunts for the Object of Ultimate Earth Shattering Power, or sales pitches.
If they become too persistent, there’s always the hundred dollar shotgun.
Some monsters are not overly affected by standard lead buckshot.
For these special occasions, dump the lead shot out, drop in a stack of real silver dimes, and top off with some nice minced garlic.
THAT’LL get their attention.
Don’t waste time listening to the Hero’s Sidekick’s jokes. You’ve heard them all before.
If the Hero’s Sidekick or True Love demand your help in rescuing the Hero from another of his incompetent cliff-hanging encounters with the Evil Overlord, suggest a call to 911.
They have an interesting unit called a SWAT team.
They are very adept at handling these kinds of things, and that’s why we pay taxes.
If the Evil Overlord threatens to use his vast fortune to ruin you, inquire as to his tax status.
He’ll turn white as a sheet and beg you to forget the whole thing.
Even Evil Overlords DO NOT want to mess with the IRS.
THOSE people are MEAN.
If you’re worried about assorted bad guys or monsters creeping around your home, buy a small dog.
You don’t need a Rottweiler on steroids; an 8-pound Pomeranian will make enough noise to wake Sleeping Beauty after a weekend drunk with the 7 dwarfs.
Also, a small dog isn’t fooled by any BS like pretending to be nice, or illusions that make the Evil Overlord look like your grand mother.
Dogs are totally honest and can’t be fooled.
They see straight through that crap and let you know right quick something ain’t kosher.
When the dog says something’s wrong, LISTEN.
Get the hundred dollar shotgun.
While the 8 pound Pomeranian savages their ankles, USE the shotgun.
Give the Pomeranian a nice treat.
If you come across some odd looking object with an mysterious hole in one end, use a little common sense, don’t shove your face in it, walk away.
Go about you’re business, and check the local news for a day or so.
Likely you’ll be hearing all about it on the 6:00 Report, instead of leading on the 6:00 Report.
IF you find yourself being harassed by one of those insufferable, snooty vampires, show him the hundred dollar shotgun and the garlic-soaked shells.
Inquire as to his life (death?) insurance.
He’ll take the hint and leave.
If you’re being protected by the police and they suddenly stop answering you, DON’T go looking for them to be sure they’re OK.
Get out the hundred dollar shotgun and prepare to repel boarders.
When taking a shower, keep a fresh bar of “Soap on a Rope” in the tube.
That way when the crazed murder rips the shower curtains open, you can beat the dog shit out of him by using the soap as a flail weapon.
If you’re under threat, and your phone suddenly stops working in the middle of the night, it ISN’T because you didn’t pay the bill.
Break out the hundred dollar shotgun.
If the mysterious and slightly sinister CEO of the company you work for suddenly calls you into his plush executive suite and offers you fabulous wealth if you’ll “help him” with something, it’s time to take your 401K and seek employment elsewhere.
If it’s such a good deal, why didn’t he offer it to his brother in law Morris?
Home been invaded by ghosts, Wandering Lost Souls, Demons, or other assorted netherworld beings?
Forget the exorcist and those incompetent louts at Ghost Busters Inc.
Simply invite your buddies over for whatever game is in season.
Serve lots of beer, kielbasa, ham and beans, pickled eggs, and hot sauce.
Trust me, THIS will drive any and all ethereal beings right out the door, along with all roaches and mice, not to mention removing a significant amount of paint from the bathroom walls.
NOTE: Be sure to clean up the mess and thoroughly ventilate the house before the wife gets home.
Women have NO sense of humor about these things, and sometimes prefer the netherworld beings.