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1/25/2018 7:38:29 AM
Posted: 11/2/2002 4:41:40 AM EST
Got this yesterday from my nephew in Okinawa, busy stitching Marines back together. How To Simulate Being A Sailor Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls. Repaint your entire house every month. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack". Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up". Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 a.m. while she reads it to you. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations.) Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats) Set your alarm clock to go off a random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home. Take a two week vacation visiting the red light districts of Europe or the Far East, and call it "world travel". Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty". At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 4:47:43 AM EST
And your point? [:D]
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 5:00:49 AM EST
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 5:01:08 AM EST
[Last Edit: 11/2/2002 5:02:13 AM EST by bulkhead]
You had to remind me about life on the Forrestal. Do you know what the Marine symbol really stands for? Always, always repeat this with a smile. It's a seagull, sitting on a beachball, with an anchor up his ass, waiting for Navy relief. No insult to my Marine friends. Bulkhead
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 5:38:07 AM EST
[smoke] The smoking lamp is lit. good one. Scott
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 5:57:35 AM EST
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 6:43:03 AM EST
I laughed til I cried, mostly because it is all true.
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 5:07:15 PM EST
I've seen this list before but with one more. Something about knocking things off the counter and blaming the wife for not being "secured for sea."
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 5:10:22 PM EST
Blender Technician, First Class, reporting for duty, SIR!
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 5:30:06 PM EST
How do they separate the men from the boys in the Navy? With a crowbar. How do you break a marine's nose? Throw sand on the wall and yell, "Hit the beach!"
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 6:12:56 PM EST
That was life on the U.S.S. Mount Whitney[:)]
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 6:25:32 PM EST
mmmmmmmm sliders mmmmmmmm rollers [:)]
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