Anyone got any funny and/or dirty limericks?
There once was a man from Nantucket
His cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin,
as he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it
Little Miss Muffet went to the cubbard to find her poor doggie a bone,
When she bent over, Rover took over because he had a bone of his own.
There was once a woman named Dot
Who lived of semen and snot
When she got tired of these,
She ate the green cheese,
That she scraped from the sides of her twat.
this thread has potential to rock
i might see a poem about a glock
but morons will come
and fuck up the fun
so i say IN BEFORE THE LOCK
There once was a man named Dave,
who found a dead whore in his cave,
she was missing a tit and smelled like shit,
but look at the money he saved.
There once was a man from Peru,
who fell asleep in his canoe,
while dreaming of Venus and playing with his penis,
he woke up all covered with goo.
That first one reminds me of a friend of mine who used to be a necrophiliac...until the rotten cunt split on him.
There once was a hooker named Sue
who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"They pay to get in.
They can pay to get out of there too!"
There once was a guy named Sweeny
Who's girl was a terrible meany
The hatch on her snatch
had a catch that would latch
and could only be fucked by Houdini
I once new a man who liked Glocks
He said they were tougher than rocks
He tried to shoot lead
It kaboomed by his head
And now he lives in a pine box
There once was a man named Crocket
He got his dick caught in a socket
His wife was a bitch, she threw the switch
And crocket went off like a rocket.
There once was a man from Bel Air
He was screwing his girl on the stair
The banister broke, so he doubled his stroke
and finished her off in mid-air
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
The cube of its weight times his mothers plus eight
is his phone number, give him a call.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Stroking the bust of his madam
He laughed out with mirth, for he knew that on Earth
There were only two boobs, and he had them.
I am going to waste brain cells trying to remember these.
There was an old man from Racene
who invented a fucking machine
concave or convex
it would fuck either sex
but, oh, what a bitch to clean
There was an old lady named Alice
who used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina
in west indo-china
and her anus in Buckingham palace
"Ginger," he said. "You're a tight one."
"But nevertheless, you are quite fun."
She replied, "Bless my soul."
"You're in the wrong hole."
"There's plenty of room in the right one."
Oldies, but goodies:
Here I sit, broken hearted; Tried to shit, but only farted.
Went outside, and took a chance; tried to fart but shit my pants!
Came back in, pride in tatters; Brand now boxers filled with splatters.
And now the end to my tragic caper: I'm all out of toilet paper!
And, of course:
The once was a man from Ohio
Who hadn't been laid for a while,
He went to a hooker
A hell of a looker...
And got off his nut with a smile.
There once was a gal from the valley,
A football fanatic named Sally.
T'was always her dream
to suck off the team,
So we helped her along with her tally.
There once was a girl named Lil
Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil
There once was a woman named Dot
Who inserted a fly in her twat
When you played with her fuzz , that fucker would buzz
Till you glued it's wing shut with a shot .
And in honor of the fatass sentator himself:
T'was once a Senator from Mass,
who sought out a strange piece of ass.
He lucked out and found it,
But fucked up and drowned it.
And the voters still give him a pass.
There once was a lady from Wheeling
Who boasted no sexual feeling
Until a man named Boris
Touched that poor girl's clitoris
And they scraped her off of the ceiling.
There was a young women from Wheeling.
She had a particular feeling.
She layed on her back.
Spread open her crack.
And pissed all over the ceiling.
This is about a guy that I used to work with...
There once was a man named Rick
Who had to remove some hair quick
So with a bottle of Nair
He removed all the hair
From his ass on around to his dick.
Hurray! Hurray! It's the first of May
Outdoor fucking starts today
Alas, soon the summer months will pass
Then we'll get some indoor ass.
An american indian sat on a rock
a rifle in one hand
the other is cock
no two finer weapons had he ever saw
he used one for the white man
and one for the squaw
There once was a man named Sweeny
who poured gin upon his weeny
to appear more couth
he added vermouth,
and gave his girl a martini
There was an old woman from leith
Who would circumcise men with her teeth
It wasn`t for fame,
or love of the game
but to get at the cheese underneath.
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
doing her bag of blow
Along came a spider
who sat down beside her
and asked"what in the bag,BITCH"?
There was a young man from Madras,
whose balls were made out of brass,
when jangled together,
they played "Stormy Weather",
and lightning shot out of his ass.
There was an old man named McGee,
came in late & drunk was he.
He wound up the hall clock,
with the head of his cock.
And buggered his wife with the key.
There was a man from Ghent
Who had a penis so long it bent
It was so much trouble
That he kept it double
And instead of coming he went.
I always heard that one as bowl.
There once was a maid from Madras
Who had a magnificient ass
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
Little Willie feeling bright
Bought a stick of dynamite
Curiosity seldom pays
It rained Willie for seven days.
Willie fell down the elevator.
Wasn't found till six days later.
Then the neighbors sniffed, "Gee whiz!
What a spoiled child Willie is."
Little Willie, full of glee
put radium in Grandma's tea.
Now he thinks it's quite a lark
to see her shining in the dark.
I'm laughing so hard, I think I broke a kidney.
There once was a girl named Ann Heiser,
who said, no man could surprise her,
but a fellow named Pabst, put his Schlitz in her pants
and now she is sadder BUT WEISER!
ayy yi yi yii
your mother swims after troop ships
so sing me another verse worse than the other verse and waltze me around by my willie
There once was a girl from Hoboken
who claimed her cherry was broken
by riding her bike
on a cobble stone pike
but it was really broken from poken
ayy yi yi yiiii
your sisters in love with a carrot
so sing me another verse worse than the other verse and waltz me around by my willie
there once was a man from Boston
who had a little red austin
he had room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost them
ayyy yi yi yiii
your father fills cream donuts
so sing me another verse worse than the other vers and
waltz me around by my willie
There once was a young lady named Nellie,
she and her boyfriend were joined belly-to-belly,
because in their haste, they used library paste,
instead of petroleum jelly.