My name is Steve. I’m a lawyer. I’m a lawyer in Las Vegas Nevada, and I have a Federal Contract. A Federal Contract means that I get paid by the government to defend folks charged with a crime against the United States of America. In Nevada, that means I sometimes defend mobsters, more often illegal aliens. Even more often, illegal aliens doing something further illegal, in addition to being here without papers. They aren’t from here, and they have some pretty strange customs back home, that violate the laws here. Sometimes they just get drunk and do something stupid. You see the crime statistics, but they don’t tell you the story, there is always something more to it. There’s a human side. Sometimes, an inhuman side. Sometimes both. You get a contract by being lawyer, doing criminal law and applying for it. To get this federal contract, I had to get security clearance every 5 years that seemed more like a visit to the proctocologist. The money is all right though.
My secretary shouted out from the front of the office that I had a new client on the phone. Wanted to talk to me. I don’t know how they get my number so fast, most of the time they call me before I even have a file from the authorities. This one I had seen the file the day before. Kidnapping, Abduction, whatever the hell they call it now, bottom line was he took somebody somewhere without them wanting to go. These things always have a story that was way more complicated than the prosecutor would bother to look into. I figured I might as well talk to the guy and get a clue what he thought of the thing. Better than having to drive all the way out to the holding facility at Groom Lake just to watch him cry. Kills a whole day.
“Hello, good morning Mr. Sark, what can I do for you?”
“No I can’t get you released, they think you are a flight risk”
“Yes I know they have your ship impounded, but they always have to consider that you might be able to get friends to pick you up”
“Charges? Well in addition to being in the country without papers, you are charged with one count of kidnapping, and that is aggravated by the victim’s being pregnant, and one count of Sexual Intercourse with a Minor over the age of 15”.
“Yes, the police report indicates it was consentual, but she was still under the age of 18”.
“Watch your language Mr. Sarek, I don’t have to keep talking to you if you continue to use that tone”.
“Well, one common defense in these cases if there isn’t a large age difference between the parties, for instance, since she is 17 and if you were 18 or 19, then that drops the crime to misdemeanor. I can’t use that defense since you told the cops you were 207”.
“Yes I know you had been drinking”.
“No, Amanda says right in the police report that she loves you very much, and it was totally consentual, she just did not want to go to Voolcan”.
“I know she is carrying your baby, but you still can’t force her to go back to your country with you…sorry, Planet”
“I’m sure the doctors here can handle it just fine, we have plenty of bi-racial children here”.
“Well, that’s true, they are of the same species”
“Well, I’m not a doctor, but in any case, that doesn’t justify you going on a bender, and coming back her to pick her up in your spaceship, after making her car stop running in the middle of the desert.”
“They may be the best obstetricians in the known universe, but they don’t get to probe pregnant women in New Mexico without a New Mexico medical license”.
“New Mexico Board of Medical Examiners”
“I don’t know about their cases, I don’t represent them”.
“No, the court has given you specific instruction to not contact your co-defendants”.
“You aren’t allowed to speak to her either, she’s the victim”.
“I don’t know”
“Well, she told the police she didn’t want to go because she wants to finish her school here”.
“The Vulcan Science Academy may well be the best school in the quadrant, but that is just your opinion. Her course may not even be offered there”.
“She told you what she was studying?”
“And you say you know for a fact they teach it there”
“Better than at Roswell Community College”
“No, I think you misunderstood her, she said cosmetology, not cosmology”
“Yes you told me you had been drinking.”
“Well, so far so good on that score, even though you ran the spaceship into the power lines, they haven’t charged you DUI”.
“It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t a car, any motor vehicle, including aircraft counts”.
“It doesn’t have a motor”.
“I’ll look a the statute again, but as I say you weren’t charged”.
“They don’t want to use the blood test in court because they say it was green”.
“Right, it’s usually red here”.
“It works for us, so we don’t complain”.
“So you say she won’t testify against you?”
“That’s good, how can you be so sure”.
“Vulcan mind meld”
“Mr. Sarek, when was the last time you were drinking?”
“In custody for three weeks now?”
“Joined AAA? The Auto Club?”
“Oh, alcoholic aliens anonymous”.
“Special program there at the Groom Lake holding facility you say. Ok”.
“Well listen, that would be good for your case if she doesn’t testify, but you know they can subpoena her and force her to show up at your trial”.
“Yes, if she says something different than what she told the police that night, then they can impeach her on the witness stand with her earlier statements”.
“No, they generally can’t subpoena witness that have left the country”
“Yes I would think that would be even less likely”.
“Ok then, I’ll talk to you soon, I’ll try to come see you next week”.
Geez these Alien Abduction cases. Hate ‘em.
You people have no sense of humor.
"It works for us..."
Yep, I'm a Trekkie and I got it.
Reminds me of when I was taking two classes, astronomy and astrophysics, in college, and the dumb chicks would ask me what my sign was.
Um, dude... That's because it wasn't real funny.
It is funny, but it would be like inside jokes. you have to know the background on Sarak.
Watch Star Trek 4.
That was good! Thanks!
Had to testify at this guys Captain's Mast long ago. When the Skipper asked this dingbat if he had anything to say he wiped out his wallet and said beam me up, Scotty. The skipper was NOT amused. I think he'd have got off with a fine until that. Bye-bye stripe.
ETA: Very amusing story. What was the outcome?
Note the title - any Star Trek fan worth their salt would find this very humorous (at least the old Original Star Trek fans, not the pussified new Star Trek).